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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome (((((bubbylou!))))

You can post and read in the investigative forum after you have reached 50 approved posts.

These 50 posts have to be of substance, no one word replies to just up your posting numbers.

Your husband should be giving your his user name and passwords for all of his accounts in order to help build your trust in him.

There are keyloggers out there you can download or buy and install. Those programs are useful for your peace of mind if nothing else.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, my FWW tried that "it was ONLY chatting/talking/online/not real life" crap on me too. Bullshit.

Of course, I haven't heard that particular line since I found out about her making out with OW in REAL time. I pointed that out to her one of the times she insisted that her cybersex A with OM would have "never" become physical. Uh-huh, like sucking face with OW wasn't physical? The thing that kept her and OM from fucking in real time was the 2000 miles between them.

God, don't even listen to that horseshit about it "not being real" or "just chatting." The amount of time and energy taken away from their spouse and family are REAL.

As I recall, the wedding vows include the words "forsaking all others." That means ALL others, whether they are at work, next door, or on a computer.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
aincali
New Member
Member # 16091
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my group. Hi everyone. I'm pretty new to SI about a week now.

I caught my WH on fitness-singles.com on 7/27/07. WH claimed he created it but never went on it really and never messaged anyone etc. I joined SI and asked advice from members on how they handled it. The consensus was that most WS's are on more than one site and more and more of you said AFF was one of them. So I looked and guess what I found...
On 9/7/07 I discovered his profile on AFF. I was in complete denial it was him for a day & a half. Finally that Sunday I admitted to myself it was him. I created a paid account (had to to see the information) and decided to try to bait him by sending him an email from the account I created. He hadn't logged on within a month and still hadn't logged on after my discovery. He wanted to have sex & I couldn't take putting up a ruse anymore.
I confronted him on 9/12/07. He was in absolute complete denial. I am so glad I read the healing library ahead of time. He was gaslighting like it was nobody else's business. Some of his claims are:
Someone is out to 'get' us.
I created the profile to sabotage our marriage.
His alcoholic upstairs neighbor created it to get back at him.
Etc, etc.

He called AFF(in front of his sister) to complain someone is using his photo on a profile. AFF took down the profile. I called to confirm and they did (at 1st I thought it was hime) because abuse was insinuated. They won't release any information because my WH is not claiming the profile is his.
9/13/07 he is still in denial and I told him I don't believe him.

UHG. This hurts so much. I want us to work, but I know he has to be 100% honest for us to move forward. I hope it gets better.

[This message edited by aincali at 3:56 PM, September 13th (Thursday)]


Me 43, WH 44, married almost 2 years (together almost 4) , 2 children (1 ours)

Posts: 48 | Registered: Sep 2007
bubbylou
♀ Member
Member # 15999
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((aincali)))

I'm so sorry you are here, but I'm glad you found us, if that makes sense.

I've been trying to investigate and see if WH has been on any sites like that, but just filling out the registration forms is enough to make me want to Even though I'm just on there to try and look for him, it still feels so wrong, ya know? (Maybe that's b/c a spouse is not supposed to have to check up on their other half by seeing if they have an ad on adult sites!) I haven't found anything yet, but I just feel in the pit of my stomach that there must be more than he's telling me. That whole "only admit what she has evidence of" thing. Ugh.

The thing is, he's accused me of cheating online before, b/c I happen to belong to several different message boards and I don't frequent them when he's home. (Therefore, he thinks I have something to hide I guess.) But he knows all my passwords to those boards and he knows darn well that the vast majority of the ppl on my boards are women. Sometimes I wonder if he's projecting.

Ugh Ugh Ugh


BS - Me
WS - Him
Dday #1: 7/20/2002
Dday #2: 8/29/2007

Posts: 154 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Southwest
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like he is projecting, since it's likely that he liked having time alone to do his online cheating.

Sad to say, that's how I did it.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, September 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crossbow, perfectly stated!
Thanks.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. I know I haven't posted here in a while. H and I are pretty much R'ed, however, we still haven't completely healed from his A's. I realize is going to take at least a year to fully heal from this. The problem we're really going through is that he can't get over how I got pregnant so soon after having our daughter. I know it takes 2 to make a baby but the thing is, he told me to take the pill and I was so confident that the depo shot wouldn't wear off since I was still under the effect for 5 months. It wore off and that's how I ended uo being pregnant with my twins. The pattern that led to his cheating also had to do with me withdrawing emotionally because he wouldn't stop jumping on me. My FIL is also really upset because he's helping H financially. He warned us not to allow this to happen and he can't let go either. Me being pregnant with twins was just the icing on the cake. Make no mistake about it, he loves his grandchildren, he just thinks we were irresponsible. In retrospect, my H and my FIL had a right to be upset, I just wish H would finally let it go, since I have already acknowledged that fact. Last night H and I had a long talk. We had to be honest with ourselves. When our daughter was born, it was wonderful, however, we both regret not giving each other enough time to bond as newly weds. I was very immature at the time and I thought having a baby would increase the joy in our marriage. It brought joy but it weakened the marriage as well. With just our daughter, things were actually pretty good, sometimes even better than when we were newly weds, but when I was pregnant again, that just drove a wrench on our plans and things really went downhill. Mind you, the pattern that led to him cheating began 3 months before I was pregnant again and that just sped it up! After that, our relationship was thrown into the backburner for a while. Thankfully, H has taken responsibility for his actions and he's still working on solving his sex addiction. We're reading this book called "Every Heart Restored". It's written for couples, especially those that are dealing with sex addictions. It's very eye opening. Our issues with the kids are due to the fact that we're both very tired because the twins are still not sleeping through the night. Hopefully things will get better by then...


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
Please_B_Hope
New Member
Member # 16238
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

myspace has been the enemy in my marriage. my WH reconnected with his ex-girlfriend. it has caused too many fights and sleepless nights. but he sees nothing wrong with it.


wedding date: 8/18/06
d-day: 5/3/06
long distance relationship since: 6/05

Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Cincinnati, OH
samgie
Member
Member # 16010
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone tell me if my WH is an SA. His brief history: EA 5 years ago, Prostitutes for the last year, asked me to join a swingers club last year (i said no way!!), strip clubs. Heavy flirting in his place of work.
He admits to all of the above. He also admitted that having orgasms "with no strings attached" allowed him to blow off stress that his life was emmiting.
How do I broach this subject with him and do you think he is SA?
Please need help on the last leg of my marriage!!!

Posts: 134 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: ft. lauderdale
daydreamer419
New Member
Member # 16636
Concerned  Posted: 1:50 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't quite know how to begin... So I guess I'll start from the beginning. As horrible as this may sound, I've never completely trusted my husband (we call this situation "painting with the Josh brush" in reference to my ex-fiancÚ, who had trouble keeping it in his pants)... We had our second child 2 months ago, after which I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, which they believe dates back to just a few weeks after my son was born in April of 2006, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (I had a severe complication delivering the placenta that nearly cost me my life). In September of 2006, I did something I'm hugely ashamed of- after a huge fight, in which my husband called me a horrible wife, horrible mother, etc, I asked for a divorce. Rather than try to fix what was wrong, I was more than ready to take the easy way out. I had suspected (and been told I was wrong) that I had PPD at this point, and didn't even realize that I had said what I had when it happened. Fast forward to December- my husband and I decide to pack our things and move to Maine, nearly 3000 miles from his family because of the way they are treating us due to my second pregnancy... We moved at the end of January 2007, and he began making accounts on websites like AFF, true.com, and social.redlightcenter.com. He claims that AFF and true.com were only to "look" to see what was around here- and he was unemployed (as was I- we were living with my parents), so he was always with me and our son. I had no idea about the social.redlightcenter.com account until mid-September... On September 18, 2007, I woke up at 2am on the couch (where I had fallen asleep with our daughter), and something on his computer screen was flashing.... It was an IM with another woman, in which he's telling her that he loves her, and wishes that they had a place where they could be alone together.... I woke him up, and we fought for nearly 9 hours. He agreed to stop speaking with her, and things were almost fine for the next week... Until I loaded his computer in safe mode to read his logged chat files, to make sure that he really had stopped talking to her. He hadn't... and had in fact started calling her "Mrs. ____" and talking about how I didn't realize that he couldn't wait to divorce me to move to Hawaii and marry her. Fast forward again to October 5th (the day after my birthday)... I turn his monitor on and type in his password to his computer, and find yet another conversation with her, from the previous night, in which he's telling her "I love you, I need you, I want you... I can't wait to be with you" and saying that "he has to get in bed with the bitch he's married to, since it's her birthday." We had decided the night before that we were going to have a temporary separation to give me time to start my therapy and medication for the PPD, because the Zoloft hadn't started working yet, and the mood swings and crashes were driving both of us insane.

I really don't know why I made an account here... I just really need someone to talk to who knows what I'm going through and can help me make sense of it all. He's not ever been the type of man who cheats, but he developed this EA with another woman 3 weeks after I nearly died to give him a beautiful little girl... And I just can't figure it out. Now he says he's trying to decide what he wants to do, but that he still loves me. I'm so confused.

Me: 22 years old
Him: 21 years old
Married for 2.5 years
2 children: 1 boy (18 months), 1 girl (2 months)


BS (Me): 22
WS: 21
Children: 1 boy (18mo.) and 1 girl (2mo.)- the lights of my life.
Working on R... May we succeed.

"Where there is great love, there are always miracles." Willa Cather


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Maine
SummerLyn
♀ Member
Member # 7489
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((daydreamer))))

Welcome. I'm so sorry you have a need to be here but I'm so glad you found us. You will find so much support here.

My heart went out to you when I read your story. Of course you are feeling confused. You have been through so much and now you've discovered you've been betrayed by someone you love and trusted.

If you haven't already take some time to read the articles in The Healing Library (yellow box at left). It is a wonderful starting place.

If I might make a suggestion, too...please consider posting in JFO or General as well and give others a chance to welcome you and offer their support. You are not alone, Sweetie. We are here for you.


I'd always thought that when I hit rock bottom, there'd be nowhere to go but up. Now I know running around in circles here is also an option.

Posts: 4852 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Doing time on Pine Tree Lane
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, October 19th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen~ my WH was "only making conversation" when I caught him online asking...'Where are you located'?

Summa~ that bisexual interest...hmmmm...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm, well most of my legitimate online friendships eventually get around to talking about where we live- just like I've done with my friends (female only!) here at SI. It is something that will eventually come up.

However, when that question is in the context of other inappropriate talk, you know why it's being asked, usually.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Frustrated  Posted: 6:30 AM, October 26th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone recommend a good keylogger? I found out FWH/WH? belongs to married dating sites but he's telling me it's from last year and I think he's lying. I want to install a keylogger but don't know which one. It's extremely important it's undetectable because he's pretty knowledgable about computers and i don't need him finding out about it. He also has spyware detectors on his computer. How do I get around those?


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
seabreeze2005
♂ Member
Member # 16403
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, October 26th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto INCHOATE.

My xGF's concerns with me all originated from online stuff. If there's interest in the WBF perspective, I'm happy to share.


46, WBF

Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: NH Seacoast
seabreeze2005
♂ Member
Member # 16403
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, October 26th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto INCHOATE.

My xGF's concerns with me all originated from online stuff. If there's interest in the WBF perspective, I'm happy to share.


46, WBF

Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: NH Seacoast
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, November 5th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I figured out WHY I'm so disgusted at WH for going to the dating websites. He had an EA/PA 10yrs ago and it nearly destroyed me and our M. He says it's the worst thing he's ever been through, is extremely remorseful, and will "never go down that road again". Married dating sites are icky in general, but I think I'm mostly disturbed that WH finds that exciting. You would think since he's been "down that road" and if it truly disgusted him as much as he says it did, how could he POSSIBLY find the idea exciting??????


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
Matt@Cand
♂ New Member
Member # 16575
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, November 5th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to be honest. I briefly read through the threads here. So I don't know if something like this was already posted or not. My wife ocontacted an ex-boyfriend and for about two months IMed him through pleasuring himself. We don't own a webcam, but he does. The last time she watched him on the camera do this. I feel like crap, but keep telling myself it's not that big of a deal compared to what others have gone through. There was never any physical touch between them. And she says now that she thought it was safe at the time and is ashamed.
I just can't seem not to be really upset by all of it. To the point I think about leaving her. Even though I really don't want to.
The thing is, I don't think she really got to know this guy through conversations and stuff. I think she envisioned who he was while she was typing or text messaging him these things. She also sent photos (nude) of herself to him.
I guess I thought I'd share. Thanks for lisening.


BS, Me 32
WS, Wife 31
DDay 8/18/2007 (2 more after that)
DDay#2 10/17/2007 (Graphic Details)

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: california
racheal09
♀ New Member
Member # 17008
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently (like yesterday) found out my WH is having an online affair. I was clearing the history off our computer and checking what sites our kids had been going to and found several adult sites. i clicked on a few of them just to find out if anyone had actually gone into them. You never know with child preditors these days. I found one that he had forgot to sign out on. The profile matched him perfectly. I found what email he had been using and some how managed to break the password. I don't know if he was wanting to get caught or what!!! I found several OW email address one dating back over a year. I have not spoke with him about this yet. I am not sure how. I feel that he will turn it around on me like I don't trust him. I tried to log into his email today but the password is changed and I can't figure it out. HELP!!! Where do I go from here for those of you that have been through this.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Iowa
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, November 15th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Rachael09))))

Welcome to our little corner of the net.

Be prepared to have your husband deny deny deny! The usual protest is "I was just curious! It doesn't mean anything! It's not like I was really going to DO anything..."

Keep posting ... we are here to help!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
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