My WH used to say (in the beginning) that he was just wondering *where* they LIVED (WHY??!)...that he was 'just curious' & 'just making conversation'.
Oh, yeah, right!
Once, when we were seperated 1800 miles during our M for an entire year, I caught him actually trying to find a JOB close by Dayton, OH which would entail him staying at a Holiday Inn ALL WEEK.
Of course, he also had found out that the cute young blonde "secretary" online also *lived* there in Dayton.
Know what was so funny-tragic about all of this?!
"She" was really ME posting a FAKE profile with a FAKE photo!
Dumb ass! UGGGG
I've been through the gammot of emotions the last several days. We are committed to reconciling. Both of us! I installed Safe Eyes on the computer, at his request.
Here's my question of the day. I have some questions for him that I do not want to ask him for fear of the answer. The answers to the ones I already asked were appalling and I don't know if I can handle any more. I want to ask if he saw a picture of her and if he was attracted to her physically (I, of course, want him to say no, so if he says yes I'll be devastated). he also mentioned that SHE had done cybersex in another relationship...so there's the other question...but I don't want to ask it, either.
My emotions keep going everywhere...back and forth, back and forth. One minute I'm hopeful, especially since he is repentant, and the next I'm so angry and hurt.
Married 18 yrs
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8
Its been almost 2 years and I'm not ready to listen/read all his filthy "loving" "hottt" chat logs...but, one day I'll know its time-- & I will.
However, my gut already *knows*...
These are all still things she denies, she is a great role player and has done theatre work in the past. It's almost as if the boudnaries between real life and characters are blurred for her and emotion no longer comes into anymore, that they're not something real. She's angry with me for downloading the transcript of the Skype messages, says she feels violated but within the same breath says it's no big deal and not what i think! I sent her a transcript by email straight after we fell out last week, where she admits to him when she got the pictures of him(one face, one bulging crotch ). Unfortunately she didn't pick that up until the second anniversary of her mums death, so once again I'm the evil vindictive one, not her and her lies. I regret that she received it then , but why should I be the only one hurting right now whilst she still contacts him through SMS!
I'm convinced that our marriage is over, after the lies can I ever feel anything for this woman, but bizarrely I still love her and feel that just maybe she's sick and needs help, that it would be wrong to desert her at this time. Then I return to bitterness and think no, she may see my failings to deliver some of what she wanted from our marriage as good reason, but they do not excuse what she has done, it was her choice to embark on the OEA and those things she wanted are further away than ever.She just pissed with me because I caught her, so its every reason why her actions are right and that's all she see's.Despite the lies she's also told me that he's talked of moving over to the UK to be with her,and then told me she knwo nothing about him(age/image). She is truly lost in a sea of lies, and I see nothing but separation on the horizon(we've not been married a year so D is not possible until Aug at the earliest)
I've said elsewhere it would be easier to cope with if I'd found her in bed with OM.That you can do this to a partner whilst they're in the same room, secretly telling someone how much you miss being with them when the real partner is getting on with real life behind you. It's sickening, and in the last month I've been through a lot, like everybody who finds their way here unfortunately, we are all suffering. Firstly denial that it had happend at all. Hurt as I read the details and hours they spent on line together, Self loathing as I looked for that which I must have done wrong to cause this. Acceptance that this was real and she has no remorse("Can't be an affair we haven't had sex!" she told me amongst the lies). and finally realisation that our marriage is over, and I'm mourning the loss of that now. She isn't back from work until the end of February and I'm honouring the commitments to look after her house until then but once she's back I'm giving her the keys and wishing her well. She's accussed me of holding her back, that she's had her life on hold whilst I sorted a new job then we could move. Well she started her A at the same time I got the new job, and I'm glad we didn't buy another house(our home!)with this lying POS. She can now move in with mr wonderful OM and once the reality of dirty washing and shopping hits home again she'll be off again I'm sure.
Sorry I've turned this into a rant again, I drift between being positive and tolerant to pure hate. Again I'm these are common feelings amongst the betrayed, none of us deserve to be here feeling like we do.We just have to be strong, and weather the emotional storms, we will all get through them with the support of others here, and those true close and friends.
"To love is to suffer" - Terry Pratchett(in Mort)
My H has a long history of porn sites, aol chat and married dating sites. And for many years I never delved into how deep he was into it. I still don't understand myself about how I minmized what was happening, but I guess I didn't want to truly deal. I had 2 little girls when this started and I didn't want to face what I've been facing now that 'some' is out in the open. The 'some' is enough for anyone with self respect to leave for....I'm planning to D now, thank God.
One thing I wanted to share with you is after years of suspicion and ignoring and H gaslighting all the way, I had an A. And when the words guilt or remorse are mentioned from H about me having an A, I feel none. It was the way I chose to feel wanted. So sad to say that, but it's true.
My H chose a computer over me (and our girls) for so many years. But since he is a passive/aggresive it was all done eerily innocently. I can't explain what I mean by that. Only someone who lives with a cyber scumbag can know the frightening slow insanity you live in.
Even after learning of my A, even after being caught multiple times, he still continued online...AFF, aol, IMs, match.com, more porn than you can imagine, TEN private emails/IM accounts. And everybody who knows us thinks he's so meek and so in love with me.
I believe now that being married to and trying to R with a cyber addict is useless. I pity him only now. I cannot wait to be free of this.
Feel free to PM me if you'd like to share. It's hard for my friends and family to understand what this has been like.
Married - since 20 yrs old
"Surviving is important....Thriving is elegant"
You're not an idiot -- just an optimist like me! It's hard when you're wired to want to believe the best in someone no matter what evidence we're handed to the contrary.
Sounds like the writing is on the wall (or in the text message!!) and now it's up to you to determine whether you want to continue to live like this or create a life for yourself in which you're not always wondering if/when/how/where. It's certainly not too much to expect a partner who treats us with dignity and respect -- and doesn't retreat into meaningless sex the minute the going gets a bit tough with us.
Hang in there...and take care of yourself.
Life truly sucks.
Thinking about how brazenly she did this with me in the house(even on Xmas day through messaging) sickens me now. It was out of hand she'd always spent a lot of time with online communities since we met and I never felt this compromised our relationship, but WoW changed that as she became addicted. I wish I'd being more forthright about this when I felt it was too much, but she enjoyed the game and I didn't want to stop her doing things she liked, but ultimately it is going to cost me the one I love the most. and that really hurts, I damned either way.If i'd stopped her she would have resented me for being controlling, and by letting her play, she found an online partner. Life sucks!
My partner has just recently come out of a RL affair ... although that started via chat rooms, progessed to MSN, then texts, then phone calls then pysical for 6 months.
D-Day was August 2007 and he moved out a few weeks later claiming we needed "space" ... a.k.a "i wanna see where the relationship with OW goes"
She dumped him in October, he came back, she wanted him again, so he moved out again although daily told me he still loved me and we were in counselling.
January 2008 admits yet again that he had been in contact with OW (texts, chatrooms but no meeting) but that she finally told him she didnt want him, didnt love him and she had been seeing someone else off chatrooms for months!!
He is now having withdrawal from OW and we are still living seperately but trying to R.
He gave me his passwords to MSN and this week curiosity got the better of me and i looked .... 2 new women added to his MSN.
Both from chatrooms. Initially he is angry because ive dared to spy on him and goes mad for me thinking he is upto something. Doesnt understand why i have a problem with him only talking to females (errrr cause your last chatroom friend you had pysical affair with ????)
He is swearing they are only "friends" and that he isnt looking for someone else or intending on meeting them but he finds it easier to talk to women about his problems ..... (oh so you send them your photo for what reason ??)
Anyway - admits today that he is wrong and that he shouldnt do it, had deleted them off his MSN, swears he wont go in the chatrooms again (1 chatroom on computer and 1 on mobile phone).
Do i believe him ? NO !!!
caught stbxw posting odd photos and deleting history and temp files, basically being all sneaky and acting distant.
put a keylogger on computer and found dozens of lovey/flirtatious messages in one day. checked phone records and found tons of calls. she has denied it, says its not real, says its not a big deal, and has been harsh and cruel to me to "be a man", "get it together", and "quit wallowing in self pity."
she has shown no remorse and no indication of R, other than a brief 24 hour period, which she quickly went back on.
have given her several chances to sign papers, no go. i am going to cancel her cell phone and have her served on tuesday.
[This message edited by j0shua at 5:39 PM, February 21st (Thursday)]
It is what it is.