However, it never got resolved (he continued even after marriage off and on)and I never knew just what level of EA it was and that there were PA's throuought until he confessed all last year after I asked him about porn sites on the computer.
That's how he started, he belittled the internet chat as harmless... look where it got him. It's shocked him to realize that he is an adulterer. He thought once he'd married that was it. Internet chat persuaded him all the way to the other side because he thought it was harmless.
Not only that, he lost a lot of money we did not have due to his EA/PA over internet girls. And he's a very frugal person. I can still see the shock, disillusionment, and anger he felt on himself when I showed him the credit card bills.
[This message edited by Simple at 6:44 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
Have your read the information in the healing library?
Has your husband gone completely No Contact with this OW? Perhaps a well crafted firm No Contact letter is in order for her to quit texting or otherwise trying to contact him.
It's often said here on SI that any form of contact must cease from your side. If he is replying to her texts, even to say "leave me alone" she will still stay in contact.
Changing phone numbers and closing out all email and messenger accounts that were used to make contact is also another method.
Internet porn is another issue.
I am glad you feel he is being transparent and honest at this point. It takes a while for us betrayed to "catch up" with the wayward as far as healing goes. You are reacting to what happened in the past, and we do have those reactions for quite some time.
With the internet, because computers are a part of life anymore, it's hard for those that have been betrayed via that route not to be totally uncomfortable for a long time when their WS is on it.
It sounds like your husband is working to help you heal!
Since this is your first post, you probably have been reading a lot!
Hopefully your WH stays the course of committing and helping you heal!
Hopefully this will have the desired effect of getting rid of her. I only wish I knew her home address so I could tell her husband what she has been up to....
I don't get it, even after all this time. I don't think I'll ever understand.
To me, it sounds like he was really stalked by his former acquaintance. He finally caved in. I want to say, to me this is all too typical of men with libido and loneliness. That is, if they're stalked and pressured enough for sex of any kind, many will give in to their baser instincts. For God's sake, he was in Iraq. This other woman (OW) is a total shit to take advantage of him that way. Of course, he still bears total responsibility for his actions, no matter how heart-rending his situation is and no matter what great service he's doing in Iraq.
It sounds to me like you have a strong marriage. With complete openness and honesty, you can overcome this. He must sever all ties to this OW! He needs to come clean and get rid of his so-called "crush" on her.
Bottom line: Yes, this is cyber cheating.
then me being a dumb-ass met the guy in person... i took it way too far and for what..? to be separated and starting over again through R. i am ashamed that i was so selfish and i am sorry to anyone who is on the receiving end of this.
There is excitement found in the anonymity from what I have read. The WS gets to engage in the epitome of fantasy in online relationships.
It was a surreal experience for him and me! I couldn't believe it was happening and could not imagine how it could be fulfilling at all!
Welcome to this little corner of SI deadinside08. Yep I would consider it cyber cheating no matter how long a person was known in real life. If the venue of cheating was online, then it's cyber cheating.
Welcome and thank you for the apology Emoore! I think that the BS has as hard a time coming to terms with online affairs being cheating as it is easy for a WS to convince themselves it isn't cheating.
Like I said, the epitome of fantasy.
Have a good night all!
XWH died Dec. 2010
*sigh* I wish I wasn't a member of this club, but I am. I'm also sorry I'm surrounded by so many of you.
My question -- I asked about Keylogger and some of these other programs a few months ago. I haven't installed any of them. The other day my husband was saying something about a page I had looked at on my computer. I jokingly asked if he had installed a keylogger on my computer. He said it was ILLEGAL to do that. Now I don't know if this is even an option for me. I can understand if it is illegal in certain cases but how about in a marriage? Yes, we have separate computers in our apartment but is it illegal???
Sick of his sh*t.
I know that my online chatting with OP facilitated the PA, so there's a real danger, even if the WS is in denial about that.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
I found these very intimate and detailed emails on his cell phone that he let me use. I'm not sure if it was a OEA or if it ever became a PA. He swears he has never met her in person and has not touched her; that it was only fantasy roleplaying. I'm not so sure. I found out he had her address on his computer address book and she lived 15 min. from where we lived. That doesn't sound like someone you just met "randomly" on a chatline to me. I could go on and on about other evidence I found online and coincidences that pretty much stack up. Much like everyone else here; I'm devastated. I can't eat,sleep, or stop crying. I have pulled myself together and we have started talking calmly.
I emailed the OW, don't ask me why, hoping to get some answers I guess. She didn't bother to contact me back. After all, I wasn't a PAYING customer, so why should she?
I knew he was into online porn but I didn't think it would go this far. He also told me last night that he even broke it off with her once-due to his guilt-but went back after we had argued. Now I feel like every time we ever said anything mean to each other in anger-he went elsewhere for comfort. I can't believe he would do this to me. We've been married 24 years with 2 kids (15 & 21) and we've been together since High School, over 30 years! If I'm overstepping here let me know? Maybe I'm still too raw to be here. Thanks
Status: Struggling Everday to
what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France
Doesn't necessarily boost the ego