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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, November 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry everagain. I know as a WBF that the slippery slope is a terrible place and what we W's convince ourselves is "OK" and "its only on-line so nobody's getting hurt" is a brutal lie to perpetrate.

I hope you are taking good care of yourself and letting her know what you need her to do to help you heal and to help you rebuild your trust. Make sure to make good use of all the resources on this site. Many people have been where you are now and can help you so very much.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, November 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excuse me, this is a vent, just a vent and you may ignore and continue with your regularly scheduled good works here.

Oh ferchrissakes!

SHUT

thefuck


up!


This has absolutely nothing to do with anyone here at all.
Just needed to vent and needed it not to be in general lol


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
bamagirl1180
♀ New Member
Member # 21660
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess this is where I belong. My husband previously trolled personals sites and would reply to profiles, but never met with anyone.

More recently, he has begun trolling Craigslist and replying to ads, but again, not meeting anyone.

We are both in IC and are committed to making this work. I do believe that he has never met anyone, but the trolling and the emails have to end. He claims to have a compulsion to look at the ads and respond and carry on email conversations occasionally. There are no EA's, it is all just sexually explicit chatting.

I hope it never gets to the point that he meets someone. I have a keylogger installed and vigilantly monitor personal cellphone usage, but I am scared to death that he will use his work computer/cellphone and 1) do something we'll both regret, and 2) lose his job.

We are fairly young (28 and 33), no children, married for 2 years.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Alabama
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's on a slippery slope Bama...does he know that you know what he is doing?


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
bamagirl1180
♀ New Member
Member # 21660
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, November 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He knows I monitor the computer, yes.

The cellphone, no.

His "episodes" happen about twice a year. Very sporadic, no particular trigger (although almost always when I am out of town on business, but I'm often gone 2-3 times a month and he doesn't do anything during those times). He is never defensive about being caught, always very apologetic and embarassed.

As I stated previously, he says it's some sort of compulsion and he can't help himself, even though he knows I will find out. Sometimes it's not immediate, because I don't check the reports that often, but again he always confesses/validates everything I read in the reports without prompting whenever I confront him. He keeps up with his IC appointments and homework.

He is always very apologetic and embarassed and honest about what happens. He expresses great concern that I will want to give up on the marriage/him. He frequently states that I am the most important thing to him, and he hates the way his behavior affects me. I wish we could get to the point where he would be honest about his behavior without me having to confront him -- I would feel like he was making definite progress with the compulsion then. I just can't stand the lying -- which is how I feel about non-disclosure.

[This message edited by bamagirl1180 at 8:51 AM, November 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Alabama
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you might want him to read some of the posts from people like me who have crossed the line and now would do anything to take that moment back and make a better decision.

For some reason his compulsion is more important and real to him than the real damage being done to you and the potential real impact this will have on your R. MC might be a good place. He might not have a good enough IC therapist either. Either way he needs a good kick in the ass at the very least...if you'd like I'd be happy to provide that...

He needs to do something about this now. Before it is too late.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
bamagirl1180
♀ New Member
Member # 21660
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, November 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Copeland!

Is there anywhere in particular (on this board) you would point him to read posts that could help enlighten him?

I haven't figured out if there is a search feature here or not.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Alabama
eisha214
♀ New Member
Member # 21834
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS has a penchant for "making women fall in love with him" he plays with them online and makes thm believe it's real and then it generally falls apart when they wise up a little or start asking to many questions. The funny thing is the OW get mad about each other because he'll have maybe 10 at a time if not more then he'll move on to the next. I hate that he plays with women this way. I hate that our plans will get cancelled because he can't get off of the computer. Let me also say when he's not playing that stupid game second life, other online games (i.e. WoW etc) take his attention. He is a hardcore online gamer. I don't know what to do about it. He looks at his interactions on second life just as he does playing WoW. they both are a big huge game just with different goals. I don't know what to do anymore. He is excellent to me in every other aspect of our relationship. But this online gaming is horrible, especially when it is second life.
I am very computer savvy moreso than him so I have a keylogger installed that he doesn't know about, I know if he did knwo he wouldn't use this computer or he'd find another one, I will NOT be giving him that opportunity. So I see EVERYTHING that happens here. He doesn't really cybersex, he has had phone sex, but it's not a constant. He just seems to get off on seeing how far these women will go for him. Some have sent him money in the past. They tell him how they love him, and want to be with him. It's a nightmare. I hate that game, and because he hasn't actually physically cheated and he's not big on cyber and rarely has phone sex.. I feel guilty for being hurt by it.


"How much more ridiculous can it be..."

Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: In the Mountains
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eisha-your post makes my stomach hurt...SL is the reason I'm in the situation I'm currently in. Read my profile for details, but the main thing to know is this...My on-line SL affair was a true betrayal of my SO. The stuff he's doing is FAR more than a game. His behavior is anti-social at best-both to his on-line victims and to you.

His computer relationships are stealing him from you just the same as if he was going to a bar and meeting women in person. These on-line things can provide a tremendous ego rush-I know it did for me-and its a dangerous dangerous drug. Its as addictive as anything I've ever used. If I could go back in time-shut off the damn computer and throw my cell phone in the garbage it would be wonderful...I can still remember my SO trying to get me to come to bed with her...telling me how alone she felt...and I just continued my damn computer life...

I hate that sooooo much.

The only on-line i know about is second life, and that community, which has many good aspects, also provides an environment that encourages escape from the real world. Anonymity, creating a new personna, feeding any appetites you may have...its incredibly seductive.

You H is betraying you. You are not overreacting. If you want to have an R with him, you are going to have to find a way to get him off that computer. Get him out of those virtual worlds. I can't exactly tell you how to do that-maybe there are other suggestions you can find for that. But it sounds like he is in real deep and is in complete denial about what his actions mean to you, to him and to your life together.

You might need to read up on the 180 in the healing library, but at least try to talk to him when he offline. As for the support of other BS's on this site for advice as well. It took me getting caught to snap me out of the fog. I don't know what it will take for him.

Please let me know how it is going for you, and PM me any time. This will likely be very difficult you and I will help you any way I can.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
Back to Black
♀ Member
Member # 17258
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Copeland, I'm so happy for your realizations. My H suffers with computer addictions and online relationships also. I don't think he will ever be truly free of it. As you said, it's incredibly seductive...and easy also! And it's ruined so many great lives.

hugs


Me - BS/WS (40)
Him - WS/BS (42)
2 Beautiful Daughters

D'ing!
Married - since 20 yrs old

"Surviving is important....Thriving is elegant"


Posts: 150 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: New Jersey
oldtimer97
♀ Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just happened across this post from a couple of weeks ago. Looks like it got buried and no one noticed it, so I thought I'd repost it here. My FWH has been an on & off offender with cyberaffairs & those of you here also know how damaging these online things can be. It's always nice to know you're not alone.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=262944

Second Life affair ends in divorce
Story Highlights

British couple divorce over alleged affair in virtual world Second Life
Woman says she caught ex-husband having online sex with a virtual prostitute
Ex-husband admits online relationship, denies "cyber sex or anything like that"

LONDON, England (CNN) -- A British couple who married in a lavish Second Life wedding ceremony are to divorce after one of them had an alleged "affair" in the online world.

Amy Taylor, 28, said she had caught husband David Pollard, 40, having sex with an animated woman. The couple, who met in an Internet chatroom in 2003, are now separated.

"I went mad -- I was so hurt. I just couldn't believe what he'd done," Taylor told the Western Morning News. "It may have started online, but it existed entirely in the real world and it hurts just as much now it is over."

Second Life allows users to create alter egos known as "avatars" and interact with other players, forming relationships, holding down jobs and trading products and services for a virtual currency convertible into real life dollars. iReport.com: Share your stories from Second Life

Taylor said she had caught Pollard's avatar having sex with a virtual prostitute: "I looked at the computer screen and could see his character having sex with a female character. It's cheating as far as I'm concerned."

The couple's real-life wedding in 2005 was eclipsed by a fairy tale ceremony held within Second Life.

But Taylor told the Western Morning News she had subsequently hired an online private detective to track his activities: "He never did anything in real life, but I had my suspicions about what he was doing in Second Life." iReport.com: Anger in a virtual world

Pollard admitted having an online relationship with a "girl in America" but denied wrongdoing. "We weren't even having cyber sex or anything like that, we were just chatting and hanging out together," he told the Western Morning News.

Taylor is now in a new relationship with a man she met in the online roleplaying game World of Warcraft.


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3168 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, December 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<shudders>

Hearing these kinds of accounts just makes me nauseous...that foggy, narcicistic dark place...ugh. I will never go back there. Never.

I'm sure we'll be hearing more reports like this as time goes on though...<sighs>


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
WantingtheTruth
♀ Member
Member # 20889
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, December 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all,
I have just found this thread and I have not had a chance to read everything here yet.

I need some guidance and advice.

My husband left me 6 months ago. I have learned a lot about NPD and SA as I have had to try to discover the truth about my life during my 20 years with my spouse.

I know from other trails I have followed that my husband would have had profiles on numerous sites. He is no longer here and I do not have his current computer.

Do any of you have suggestions about the most common sites that he might have set up a profile to meet women for the purpose of chatting and cheating?

And, how can I find his profiles if I do not have his computer?


The truth is easy to remember.
BW, 53, Divorcing WH
WH, 49, No truths, in denial
Married 14 years, together 20 years. Who is this man?

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
jaspercat
♀ New Member
Member # 9745
Shutup  Posted: 1:49 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanting the truth, there are many websites where he may be frequenting. Some of the most popular are:

Adultfriendfinder.com
plentyoffish.com
match.com
fubar.com
redpersonals.com
eharmony.com
alt.com
yahoo personals

I would start by searching him out by area. Usually, if a WS is looking to cheat they will have their area listed accurately.

Unfortunately, he could be using any site. The worst thing about cyber cheating is it can start anywhere. In a game, on a forum, in an instant message chatroom. If you know any of the screen names he uses you could try googling those. It's difficult to catch a cyber cheater unless you have access to their computer.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2006
am I crazy
♀ Member
Member # 21511
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is spyware you can purchase and send in an email attachment (secretly)that will record what ever he does on that computer. I would check your local laws though, it may be illegal, unless you were part owner of the computer? Do you have access to said computer? Is there any chance of R?


BS 44
WS 48
Multiple OW on internet

"So, So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't need you" ~ Pink

Life is great!


Posts: 269 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Lost, but looking for myself
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't forget your local craigslist. That is where my darling WS found his nasties.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14905 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Zinnia
♀ Member
Member # 21679
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, December 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here and definitely a member of this group. My WH has (had?) profiles on Adult Friend Finder, fling.com, Ashleymadison.com, and has posted eight ads in the last year on Craigslist's "Casual Encounters" and "Erotic Services" sections. WH has both offered himself for paid services and offered college students cash for sex on Craigslist. He's used the internet for the last 2 1/2 years to locate escorts in our local area and has had two longer-term PAs with women he met from fling.com and Craigslist.

btw - there are a number of spyware programs that will email screenshots of user activity of the PC they're installed on.

[This message edited by Zinnia at 11:58 PM, December 10th (Wednesday)]


FBW (me) - 41
Two lovely daughters - 5 and 8
Happily remarried and have a baby boy with new hubby

Posts: 205 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Colorado
Beachy
♀ Member
Member # 16132
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, December 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my Zinnia. We could be twins from the experience to the bio. Such a sad club to be part of.

I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I know about a new secret email and that he's im'd some of the people he's found on CL, etc. I'm hesitant to confront *again* b/c he just gets better at hiding. I'm so TIRED of it all.

On the upside, he's not actually meeting anyone (has in the past though).

He's a freaking addict.

And I'm pregnant again, which is an exceptionally vulnerable place to be.

Reading - Learning - Watching


Me: BS - 39
Him: WS - 48 SA/AA, multiple D days, multiple partners, disgusting mess
Kids: 3
Divorced!!!! :)

Posts: 183 | Registered: Sep 2007
am I crazy
♀ Member
Member # 21511
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, December 13th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted a thread under "reconciliation" because that is where I think I am now. I just can't get my H to admit that his online cybersex EA's amount to infidelity. H insists it was all just in his head, never meant to hurt me, he knows it is wrong but stops short of admitting affair, because there was no physical contact. He was a great H throughout, he just had this dark side and kept it from me.


BS 44
WS 48
Multiple OW on internet

"So, So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't need you" ~ Pink

Life is great!


Posts: 269 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Lost, but looking for myself
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, December 13th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AmI, I posted to your thread in General.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
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