I hope you are taking good care of yourself and letting her know what you need her to do to help you heal and to help you rebuild your trust. Make sure to make good use of all the resources on this site. Many people have been where you are now and can help you so very much.
This has absolutely nothing to do with anyone here at all.
Just needed to vent and needed it not to be in general lol
More recently, he has begun trolling Craigslist and replying to ads, but again, not meeting anyone.
We are both in IC and are committed to making this work. I do believe that he has never met anyone, but the trolling and the emails have to end. He claims to have a compulsion to look at the ads and respond and carry on email conversations occasionally. There are no EA's, it is all just sexually explicit chatting.
I hope it never gets to the point that he meets someone. I have a keylogger installed and vigilantly monitor personal cellphone usage, but I am scared to death that he will use his work computer/cellphone and 1) do something we'll both regret, and 2) lose his job.
We are fairly young (28 and 33), no children, married for 2 years.
The cellphone, no.
His "episodes" happen about twice a year. Very sporadic, no particular trigger (although almost always when I am out of town on business, but I'm often gone 2-3 times a month and he doesn't do anything during those times). He is never defensive about being caught, always very apologetic and embarassed.
As I stated previously, he says it's some sort of compulsion and he can't help himself, even though he knows I will find out. Sometimes it's not immediate, because I don't check the reports that often, but again he always confesses/validates everything I read in the reports without prompting whenever I confront him. He keeps up with his IC appointments and homework.
He is always very apologetic and embarassed and honest about what happens. He expresses great concern that I will want to give up on the marriage/him. He frequently states that I am the most important thing to him, and he hates the way his behavior affects me. I wish we could get to the point where he would be honest about his behavior without me having to confront him -- I would feel like he was making definite progress with the compulsion then. I just can't stand the lying -- which is how I feel about non-disclosure.
[This message edited by bamagirl1180 at 8:51 AM, November 29th (Saturday)]
For some reason his compulsion is more important and real to him than the real damage being done to you and the potential real impact this will have on your R. MC might be a good place. He might not have a good enough IC therapist either. Either way he needs a good kick in the ass at the very least...if you'd like I'd be happy to provide that...
He needs to do something about this now. Before it is too late.
Is there anywhere in particular (on this board) you would point him to read posts that could help enlighten him?
I haven't figured out if there is a search feature here or not.
His computer relationships are stealing him from you just the same as if he was going to a bar and meeting women in person. These on-line things can provide a tremendous ego rush-I know it did for me-and its a dangerous dangerous drug. Its as addictive as anything I've ever used. If I could go back in time-shut off the damn computer and throw my cell phone in the garbage it would be wonderful...I can still remember my SO trying to get me to come to bed with her...telling me how alone she felt...and I just continued my damn computer life...
I hate that sooooo much.
The only on-line i know about is second life, and that community, which has many good aspects, also provides an environment that encourages escape from the real world. Anonymity, creating a new personna, feeding any appetites you may have...its incredibly seductive.
You H is betraying you. You are not overreacting. If you want to have an R with him, you are going to have to find a way to get him off that computer. Get him out of those virtual worlds. I can't exactly tell you how to do that-maybe there are other suggestions you can find for that. But it sounds like he is in real deep and is in complete denial about what his actions mean to you, to him and to your life together.
You might need to read up on the 180 in the healing library, but at least try to talk to him when he offline. As for the support of other BS's on this site for advice as well. It took me getting caught to snap me out of the fog. I don't know what it will take for him.
Please let me know how it is going for you, and PM me any time. This will likely be very difficult you and I will help you any way I can.
Married - since 20 yrs old
"Surviving is important....Thriving is elegant"
Second Life affair ends in divorce
British couple divorce over alleged affair in virtual world Second Life
Woman says she caught ex-husband having online sex with a virtual prostitute
Ex-husband admits online relationship, denies "cyber sex or anything like that"
LONDON, England (CNN) -- A British couple who married in a lavish Second Life wedding ceremony are to divorce after one of them had an alleged "affair" in the online world.
Amy Taylor, 28, said she had caught husband David Pollard, 40, having sex with an animated woman. The couple, who met in an Internet chatroom in 2003, are now separated.
"I went mad -- I was so hurt. I just couldn't believe what he'd done," Taylor told the Western Morning News. "It may have started online, but it existed entirely in the real world and it hurts just as much now it is over."
Second Life allows users to create alter egos known as "avatars" and interact with other players, forming relationships, holding down jobs and trading products and services for a virtual currency convertible into real life dollars. iReport.com: Share your stories from Second Life
Taylor said she had caught Pollard's avatar having sex with a virtual prostitute: "I looked at the computer screen and could see his character having sex with a female character. It's cheating as far as I'm concerned."
The couple's real-life wedding in 2005 was eclipsed by a fairy tale ceremony held within Second Life.
But Taylor told the Western Morning News she had subsequently hired an online private detective to track his activities: "He never did anything in real life, but I had my suspicions about what he was doing in Second Life." iReport.com: Anger in a virtual world
Pollard admitted having an online relationship with a "girl in America" but denied wrongdoing. "We weren't even having cyber sex or anything like that, we were just chatting and hanging out together," he told the Western Morning News.
Taylor is now in a new relationship with a man she met in the online roleplaying game World of Warcraft.
Hearing these kinds of accounts just makes me nauseous...that foggy, narcicistic dark place...ugh. I will never go back there. Never.
I'm sure we'll be hearing more reports like this as time goes on though...<sighs>
I need some guidance and advice.
My husband left me 6 months ago. I have learned a lot about NPD and SA as I have had to try to discover the truth about my life during my 20 years with my spouse.
I know from other trails I have followed that my husband would have had profiles on numerous sites. He is no longer here and I do not have his current computer.
Do any of you have suggestions about the most common sites that he might have set up a profile to meet women for the purpose of chatting and cheating?
And, how can I find his profiles if I do not have his computer?
I would start by searching him out by area. Usually, if a WS is looking to cheat they will have their area listed accurately.
Unfortunately, he could be using any site. The worst thing about cyber cheating is it can start anywhere. In a game, on a forum, in an instant message chatroom. If you know any of the screen names he uses you could try googling those. It's difficult to catch a cyber cheater unless you have access to their computer.
"So, So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't need you" ~ Pink
Life is great!
btw - there are a number of spyware programs that will email screenshots of user activity of the PC they're installed on.
[This message edited by Zinnia at 11:58 PM, December 10th (Wednesday)]
I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I know about a new secret email and that he's im'd some of the people he's found on CL, etc. I'm hesitant to confront *again* b/c he just gets better at hiding. I'm so TIRED of it all.
On the upside, he's not actually meeting anyone (has in the past though).
He's a freaking addict.
And I'm pregnant again, which is an exceptionally vulnerable place to be.
Reading - Learning - Watching
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."