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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
afellow
♀ New Member
Member # 21879
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, December 17th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 2nd post on SI.. After being suspicious about my partner having an affair behind my back, I put a keylogger on his computer. After having a bit of an ethical dilemma with myself, I turned out to be quite right to do so. On Monday night while he was out, I checked the keylogger, which had been on his comp for just over a week. I found that he has been talking to a LOT of other women online through MSN and has been having EXTREMELY explicit cyber sex with many of them. I even logged onto his MSN and discovered he has 131 people added. I also found a frightening amount of porn on his comp system after managing to restore all his files. He has been using camera himself with other girls, has been viewing their cameras via MSN, has received many explicit pictures from loads of different girls and has sent some himself. I printed off a whole bunch of his conversations that had been saved on the keylogger and confronted him when he got home that night. I just cant believe he's been doing this, he admitted that he's been doing it for just over a year now. How could he!? Withough me having a clue about it?? Every second I've turned my back or have been out the house he's been doing it!! After being confronted he broke down and cried and cried and promised he'd stop and delete his secret email addresses that i'd uncovered. He says he felt lonely and its been a way of making him feel better about himself and expressing himself in another way. He keeps saying he knows all he wants is me and nothing else. But can I forgive him?! We're not married but live together and have only been together around 3 years. Is cyber sex considered as infidelity? At fisrt I didn't think it could be, but after reading some of the things on here im starting to believe it is. Oh and he also admitted to seeing someone else from work behind my back, but supposedly he never slept with her, only shared a few kisses..how the hell am I to believe that now!?

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2008
am I crazy
♀ Member
Member # 21511
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, December 17th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((afellow))))) Sorry you had to find this out. Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Another selection is "surviving Infidelity" by Rona Subotnik, they both devote chapters to online infidelity. Unfortunately I have experienced first hand what you are going through and YES it is INFIDELITY. Also good information in the Healing Library on this website. My H and I are in MC, H still can still not see that it was infidelity but MC and I are working on him.


BS 44
WS 48
Multiple OW on internet

"So, So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't need you" ~ Pink

Life is great!


Posts: 269 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Lost, but looking for myself
Heartbrokenx2
♀ New Member
Member # 22291
Sad  Posted: 8:58 PM, January 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story belongs here.

My WH met his OW online. I was very uncomfortable with the "friendship" but they both told me I was insecure. She was very sexually aggressive and flirty and never turned it off. They went from being in an open online forum together to private emails. It went on and on for about a year, turning into cyber game sex, then real cyber sex and a deep EA. BTW, she is married and lives in another state. He has never met her in real life.

I finally had enough and I moved out and filed for divorce. Then my H was diagonsed as being bipolar. We figured that this explained a lot. He broke it off with the woman but was in much emotional pain because of it. But he swore he loved me and missed me and wanted our marriage to work. We stopped the divorce proceedings and I took the R very slowly with him. It was over a year before I moved back home.

I moved back home in Nov. 07. He contacted her in Dec. 07. It didn't go well and they didn't speak again until she contacted him again this August. They started up their secrect affair again with secret email accounts, blackberries, and long distance phone cards so it wouldn't show up on the phone bill. I finally found out the week before Thanksgiving. He then attempted suicide. He is ok, but the attempt only bonded them deeper. I told him he had to choose and he chose not to choose. I am now divorcing him. He says he will always love me but he loves her too and can't say goodbye, especially after his suicide attempt, even though he knows there is no future with her.

I am so devestated. He chooses this woman, whom he has never met in real life, over me. We had our problems but I always thought we were each other's best friends and that our love was very deep. But she bacame his confidant and she made him feel sexy....The thing is I was always reaching out to him to be a listener or a friend and I was very interested in making our sex life more fun. So it's not like he wasn't getting it at home. He just preferred her for some reason.

And now to have this happening all over again! I just can't believe it. I was so devestated the first time around. We worked sooooo hard putting our marriage back together. It was so difficult for me to trust again. And then when I finally start to relax and really open my heart to him again, he does this again.

I am moving out Jan 17. I have contacted my lawyer. He says that he needs to let me go because he can't keep hurting me like this. He says he will always love me. We have promised to try and stay friends. But I am compeltely and utterly devestated. I think I will have trust issues for the rest of my life after this. I can't understand how two people who have loved each other as deeply as we did can end up here.

Anyone who says that cyber affairs aren't real affairs have never spoken to someone who has been through it.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2009
am I crazy
♀ Member
Member # 21511
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Heartbrokenx2))) Sorry you have found yourself here.

I agree with your statement

Anyone who says that cyber affairs aren't real affairs have never spoken to someone who has been through it.

It is quite painful to say the least.


BS 44
WS 48
Multiple OW on internet

"So, So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't need you" ~ Pink

Life is great!


Posts: 269 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Lost, but looking for myself
loulou
♀ Member
Member # 18934
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong to this club as well! My WH started an online EA w/ someone he met on myspace. Then he entered the aim chatrooms & has had at least 2 more that I know of. The EA he's still in the fog over has been going on since June. 3000 cell phone minutes between the two in less than a month. 500 text messages, countless hours online, and she's made at least 2 trips here to meet him. I don't think there's a difference in the amount of pain an EA causes as opposed to a PA - they are both betrayls that devasted the BS!


Me - BW 35
Him - WH 36
M 13yrs Together 19 yrs
Dday 1 3/21/08 - R soon after
Dday 2 10/12/08 - new internet fling - continue w/ R
Dday 3 11/30/08
On the road to divorce ... almost there!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Indiana
NoMoreChances
♀ New Member
Member # 22380
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading all of you guys's stories only confirms my opinion of the whole "cyber/online cheating" thing is more common than ever. It seems that all of my friends, and even my sister is having problems with their H's because of the internet. I've been with my husband for 3 and a half years now. We got married and a month later, we both deployed to Iraq. It was very hard at the beginning but I knew we both loved each other so much that nothing would change. Boy was I wrong. It wasnt even a month into the deployment when I caught him on dating sites and even porn sites. He's been doing this to me the whole time we've been married and I just keep giving him chances over and over again. So we got back from Iraq, I got pregnant, everything was going great..That is until I caught him yet again on a dating site. And this is while I was pregnant. I felt like shiet, pardon my french. To me it felt like I was so fat and ugly that he needed to look at other skinnier women. I confronted him, he said he was sorry, same old story. This kept happening still after my son was born,and until a couple of months ago when I caught him again for like the 20th time. But this time it was different. He actually took it from the internet...to sleeping with them. I found out that he had slept with an old XGF, and another W he met while grocery shopping at Walmart..hmph. I still can't believe I gave him another chance...

I'm sorry for ranting, there's just so many emotions running trough my head right now, since he JUST deployed...it makes me feel like I have no control anymore of what he can or is doing out there. I just don't know if I'll ever forget about what happened..Is it even possible?


BS/WS: Me(25)
WS/BS: H(28)
M: Aug 5,2005
DDay #1: Dec 05
DDay #2: 4-20-07
DDay #3: May 08
DDay #4: Oct 08
DDay #5: 11-6-08
(There has been so many, I lost count)
R: 12-17-08

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: NC
wendylisa4
♀ Member
Member # 15064
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I can relate, to this but i do have to say that twice his was before we were married. Then the stripper he was seeing, let her come home almost had sex with her and then realized he loved me and couldn't do it. Or the time when he signed up on Yahoo Personals and he was emailing chicks. This was just a few months ago. Then lied and said it was from before we moved out west. That's funny because the updated info had AZ info on it. HE says he deleted the account, but I don't know.


BSH-35
ME(WS)-35
Together-16yrs 12/10/94
Married-8 1/2yrs 05/14/02
D-day-03-28-05
D-15
S-10

Posts: 537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Eastern, NC now to Arizona
jaspercat
♀ New Member
Member # 9745
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this is a bit of topic but can someone give me a suggestion of keylogger programs to install on my computer to check on someone?

Freeware or shareware preferred. :)


Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2006
NoMoreChances
♀ New Member
Member # 22380
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jaspercat...

This is the software I have been using for over a year. It's very useful, it saves all the websites he's going to, it logs usernames and passwords and even takes images of the screen every 10 secs or so. I believe they have a free trial on their website. Hope this helps!

http://www.gpsoftdev.com/


BS/WS: Me(25)
WS/BS: H(28)
M: Aug 5,2005
DDay #1: Dec 05
DDay #2: 4-20-07
DDay #3: May 08
DDay #4: Oct 08
DDay #5: 11-6-08
(There has been so many, I lost count)
R: 12-17-08

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: NC
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, January 16th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is probably a silly question, but when using a thing like a keylogger, do you have to download it to his computer? We each have our own laptops, but I'd love to have access to the emails I don't know passwords to. There's no way I can even get on to his computer (he has a lock on it, and I don't know the password) to do so. I guess it really doesn't matter, except it does. I kicked him out, but he's crying the blues that he misses me and I'd really love an insight into what he's really doing online.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
am I crazy
♀ Member
Member # 21511
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red,

I think Spector pro has a keylogger program that you can send remotely through an email attachement.


BS 44
WS 48
Multiple OW on internet

"So, So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't need you" ~ Pink

Life is great!


Posts: 269 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Lost, but looking for myself
Margaritaville
♀ Member
Member # 22491
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH met in person at least one woman he met on AFF.

I desperately want to know how AFF works. I refuse to make an account to find out, though

I also wish I knew when he started 'chatting', instead of just viewing porn. He won't tell me.


Me: 49 BS
Him: 52 WS
Married 18 yrs, together 20
3 teenagers

Looking forward to some time in Margaritaville - eating a cheeseburger and looking for that lost shaker of salt.
DDAY: 1-12-2009
started MC 1-14-2009


Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2009
Margaritaville
♀ Member
Member # 22491
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also didn't realize that there were so many sex chat sites out there. I've learned lots skimming through this topic.


Me: 49 BS
Him: 52 WS
Married 18 yrs, together 20
3 teenagers

Looking forward to some time in Margaritaville - eating a cheeseburger and looking for that lost shaker of salt.
DDAY: 1-12-2009
started MC 1-14-2009


Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2009
managerboss
♀ New Member
Member # 22565
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ifound out my husband has been into cybersex for about 6 years. He has also met wome in person that he talked to in chat rooms. He says he is sorry and wants another chance. He also is addicted to porn-women masturebating. We have been together a long time, but for the past few years he has left out marriage behind-no sex, little communication, really just 2 people living in a house together. It is all the lies
that have done me in. I don't knwow where to go from here.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: florida
managerboss
♀ New Member
Member # 22565
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ifound out my husband has been into cybersex for about 6 years. He has also met wome in person that he talked to in chat rooms. He says he is sorry and wants another chance. He also is addicted to porn-women masturebating. We have been together a long time, but for the past few years he has left out marriage behind-no sex, little communication, really just 2 people living in a house together. It is all the lies
that have done me in. I don't knwow where to go from here.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: florida
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

managerboss-

Sound like your H has a real problem with the on-line addictive behavior. Its a tough one, because it really makes it easy to start on the slippery slope...it starts out seeming like nobody gets hurt, harmless fun, no contact, you're still at home, etc. But it seldom ends up that way. Your WH, did it turn into a PA with the ones he met? Like one nite stand stuff?

If he wants to help repair this relationship he needs to get counseling NOW. He needs to find out about what is missing inside himself that he trys to fill with this behavior. You 2 should also be in MC cause it sounds like your ability to communicate is shot right now.

This is a serious betrayal, even if he hadn't met anybody in person. I never did, but it was a betrayal all the same and it ended my relationship. Decide what you want for yourself and then use the resources on this site to make a plan. You have every right to make sure you feel as safe and cared for as possible, so make sure he knows that and carries his part of the bargain.

And no more personal computer time for him. Not until he starts therapy. Its too seductive and I'm positive he can't handle it responsibly.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

margaritaville- AFF works just like any dating site. You set up a profile, browse people, e-mail them, etc. The diff is it is geared to sex hookups.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
Margaritaville
♀ Member
Member # 22491
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how dating sites work - no clue...

Do they need to use their personal email account on AFF - or is it something like the personal message system this site has?


Me: 49 BS
Him: 52 WS
Married 18 yrs, together 20
3 teenagers

Looking forward to some time in Margaritaville - eating a cheeseburger and looking for that lost shaker of salt.
DDAY: 1-12-2009
started MC 1-14-2009


Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2009
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, March 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can someone give me their opinion on this. My WB had a ONS 1-4-09 which I acccidentally discovered the next day. We are R with some ups and downs. I am understandably upset & asking a lot of questions. MC said not to do that. Anyway...he didn't want sex with me last night so I checked his history on computer & it was deleted. After denying it for a while he admitted to masturbating to porn. The problem is...he doesn't look at porn. He looks at photos of prostitutes on CraigsList and doesn't call them. Since the trust has been broken I don't know if he is lying, right now I don't think he is. My real concern & question is will he eventually call one of those numbers. He said he's been using these ads to masturbate for years and never called them. Given that the history was deleted he could have told me it was porn and not told me about CraigsList if he had something to hide.

[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 12:49 PM, March 13th (Friday)]


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
chrissy26
♀ Member
Member # 23068
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here(amoung other places in I can relate) One of my husbands most recent A was through myspace. He started browsing women in the area where he worked which was an hour drive away from where we live, and then chatting with them...telling them he found them attractive etc...of course he doesn't remember anything else(mainly because I haven't found anything else yet to confront him with) As far as I know it never got physical but it was going down that slippery slope...he was calling them on the phone and all that so it was only a matter of time. It still makes me sick to think about it at all.

Iwillrecover:

he is definatly going down that slippery slope. I installed a keylogger on our computer just because I feel like it is my right to know what is going on.


BS(me)- 27
WH(him)- 28
Married - 9 yrs Together- 11 yrs
Kids - D-10,D-8,S-3
Status - pending
D Day #1 - 04-02 (some girl he met while in boot camp)
D Day #2 - 12-24-07 (online EA with at least 2 sluts, maybe more)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: TN
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