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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
K Phantom
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Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

or what and who????

Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 490 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
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Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok folks, I need you guys to lend me your ears, I have noone to turn to right now and I'm at my rope's end.
I told my wh that he had to pay for the DSL, if he wanted to screw around. ( honestly I was trying to get a reaction out of him, see if I could get through to him at all)2 days ago he put the money on the kitchen counter. At that point I lost it and told him he had made the choice against the marriage. Boy, he went through the roof accussing ME of causing him to do this,that I had changed right after the marriage, that I gave him the silent treatement if he did not notice my %^*&8 hair etc. (I FORCED him to go cheat on line, but it is NOT cheating mind you). I Told him that I was the one working, putting a roof over our heads, si he told me to F*&& myself and "thank you for nothing" after all he did for ME. I asked him to name ONE thing he did for me. Could not answer that one. Kept yelling and tearing out at me. At that point I asked him to leave MY house, and he screamed "fine" until I told him he could not take any of the cars I had paid for( we live 20 miles outside of anything with a hotel). Then he refused to go and began telling me to get my &*(^^ lawyer to contact him so he could tell him the truth.(I told him, if he was not cheating then maybe we could show his parents a trancript of his on line activities, and that sent him through the roof again.)
He then went back to his bitches, telling them how horrible I was and that I was getting a divorce, and how it was MY fault he did not have a job in 7 years ( he got fired from his last 3 jobs within a year, how is that my fault. I was out to hurt his parents, wanting to show them the transcript (not cheating?...).
The worse part is how he told them all opf this, making me the bad one. Then one of the bitches asked him if maybe I was cheating on him. Get this, he did not say " NO" he only said "i don't think so". My God, I have lived with this man for 7 years, I have never looked at another man since our marriage, I work long hours to give him all he wants and the only thing he can say is "I don't think so".
One of his bitches is apparently also going thru divorce, because of her shennanigans on line, and she was telling him how I could submit all the transcript I wanted, I would be basically laughed out of court, and that since he has been the primary caregiver for our child, he should "take[me]to the cleaners". He barely pays attention to the child, feeds her and puts her in front of the tv from the time she wakes up until bedtime.
And the worse part, I still love the pig. I don't want a divorce because of the hurt it will cause my two elderly aunts( the only family I have left) and my in-laws, who I know would side with me but it would hurt them terribly.and especially for my child.
For those of you who believe in a higher power, please pray for me, and for those of you who do not bleieve, please send me your good vibes and think of me.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2009
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Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have my prayers. Please try to think about you need to do for YOU and your child.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009
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Member # 23766
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, June 1st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so painful (and infuriating) to sign up for these sites and find his profiles. The good news is that they've been inactive. The bad news is that they ever existed at all.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Can anyone tell me if they have gotten through to their 'but I didn't really cheat' WS? How do I get him to see that just b/c I caught him b4 it happened (at least with that one, can't be sure if there were others b4) that it doesn't make it hurt any less, it doesn't take away my tears & it doesn't make it 'not as bad'. The betrayal was still there. Even if he really was 'going to call it off' like he claims... the intent was still there! The betrayal rips at my heart & soul just the same! I've been cheated on by my first bf & my first love (2 dif men)... so I know what the pain feels like! And I'll tell you this... my first love cheating on me with 2 dozen women & a couple of jailbaits didn't hurt nearly as bad as my husband even wanting to cheat, much less actually seeking someone out!

Part of me wants to create a dummy account to 'make plans with' & let him find it just to see if he feels it's 'not so bad then'... but even though I could prove it was a setup & I didn't do anything, I still can't help but think it would only make our problems worse... but I don't know how else to get him to see how what he did was still cheating, even if he never did anything with them!

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Washington
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Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 1st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for my WS, it is still not cheating to do all that he did online, but a matter of disrespect. the only thing that sort of knocked sense into him was to ask him if he would be this upset if I had been the one to do this to him.

could you go a step further and tell him if talking to strangers is so much fun, that you are going to do it too?

[This message edited by icbtih8 at 9:24 AM, June 1st (Monday)]

D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue

Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 1st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hadn't thought of that, but yeah, just the threat of it might be enough to make him go WTF! And then I can use some good old commonsense on him... If you would feel it's cheating then why is it not when you did it?

I know him & I need to talk again, things are just good right now & I'm scared to rock the boat.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Washington
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Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he already rocked the boat when he started looking online.

D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue

Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I donít know if I can rebuild a marriage that was built on lies that donít seem to be ending. WH said he deleted all of his email accounts. I know he deleted the ones I know about the day I asked for passwords. This was a huge red flag for me. I am convinced I donít know everything and that I never will. I donít think I can stay married to him under these circumstances. It is harder and harder to see past it. I hacked into one of his deleted accounts and found more women in our town. I let him know and he went back into all of the accounts that he had deleted and deleted ALL of the info in them then deleted them again. Of course I have now hacked in and there is nothing there to see. I did find three more accounts he had that he did not tell me about. One had been cancelled the other 2 have not. He is not getting any email to the accounts that I hacked. Nothing from other women or from the dating sites he was on. This makes me think he just changed his address. I looked at his laptop 2 weeks ago but he had downloaded ďscrubberĒ software (2 weeks after Dday) to completely clean it. Boy that was being transparent wasnít it? He is not even unpacking it from his car when he comes home now. It is his personal laptop that he brings to work. There is no good reason he is bringing it to work. I know he used it to chat, cam and send pics.

I donít trust him. I donít have people in my life that I canít trust. Little by little my feelings are dying. I am trying R but more and more my heart just isnít in it anymore. Is this just a phase that I will move past?

Don't make someone a priority when you are an option to them.
Forever tainted.
Me - 36
WH - 46
DDay 5/8/09 and every day since
Married 17 years
2 kids - 12 & 13

Posts: 150 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Arkansas
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Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had cybersex with who knows how many women. He also had many Myspace friends and yahoo, craigslist friends too who he flirted with and had email sex with. He also had text message sex as well. With 6 of the women it led to ONS becuase they had already "crossed the line" online so he literlly met them for the first time and either had intercourse with them right after introductions or went down on them right after introductins, once in a commuter parking lot. She just pulled down her panties and he went at it. One of these ladies had her 2 year old in the next room and my H was virtually a stranger that she let into her home while her H was away! I can not fathom any woman taking a risk like that! And meeting some guy in a parking lot in the middle of the night?! He could have been a sociopath! I guess it must have just added to the excitement. I cant even imagine my husband doing any of this. To anyone we know that knows him he is Mr. shy and quiet. If the computer didnt exist my husband would be a faithful companion because I doubt he would have the nerve to do any of this crap. It truly disgusts me.

[This message edited by Amandilla at 12:19 PM, June 11th (Thursday)]

Me: BW:47
HIM:WS:39 in treatment for SA
Married 16 years
several ONS
internet flirting
1 year long distance E/PA
1 beautiful son
DD1 7/14/08 False R
DD2 8/9/08 OW exposed False R which ended A. Thanks Jen!
Our new love story in progress

Posts: 503 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: East Coast
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Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, June 19th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW,Im not the onlying one going though this,still sucks.My Husband starting cybering 2 summers ago that I knew of.I found out after he left his facebook sgin in and something told me to check his in box.Funny thing is i had no reason to belive he was doing anything,and there I found these xxx emails betwwen him and a friend of his who know me and our kids even had dinner at her house.After I blasted him about it he said how sorry he was that he huert me and that was the end...That wasnt the end early this year we have been distance from each other and he keeps saying its work and things will get back after his course(hes in the Army)so I said np he has a steefully job.but nothing change even after his course was over he was coming to bed at 3 sometimes 4 in the morining and no kiss goodnite he didnt want sex nothing.Then 2 weeks ago I came I caught him hiding his laptop when I worked in the kitchen,I told him I wanted to see what he was hiding only tool an hour after he sat there telling me he loves me anad its nothing,then he start telling me about all these women he talking to just talking he said.I wanted to know if that was eveything he said yes another lie,I went though his laptop and holy shit he was useing his web cam and was just having tons of fuun with himself while these women watch and and him watching then,but that wasnt the SHOCKER ONE OF THEM WAS MY COUSIN WHO I HAD PUT UP IN MY HOUSE...and he was also sending these bitches my money.And to top it off he was on about 6 dating site that I knew not from him telling me of course where hes looking for cyber and one night stand,he said he has never slept with anyone.I kicked him out becuase of the lies and he was steeling from me.We have 3 kids,who miss him so much hes only about 5 mins from us if that and he has not even com by to see the kids.We went to our frist MC and then he drop the bomb and said hes not in love with me anymore...and not sure if he want the marrige or when and if he wants to come home.Saying hes so embarrassed by his behaver anad cant come home..Funny thing is I still love him and want him untill this AM that is..

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
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Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, June 19th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing about cyber cheating is that I think many men who engage in it use it like they use porn... and they are able to rationalize what they're doing because it's not face to face physical.

I didn't rationalize it that way though. For me it was more about the validation. Lying to myself about the emotional aspect of it allowed me to rationalize acting on the emotion. You know... it was luuuuuuvvvvvv- the typical cheater bullshit.

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
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Funny  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

don't you just hate the fucking internet. my h was on pogo a game site. had many people he played cards with big deal.until one of these friends attention became so flattering so much fantasy, so unreal, he crossed the line and had a pa.i retrieved his email ending the affair and her response to it. what a psyco bitch internet slut. after talking about it for 2 days i had him read from the library about internet ea.the whole fantasy thing hit him like a ton of bricks.that was him asshole of the year. men are so easily flattered and sucked in.i emailed her back, told he was all hers and wished her good luck getting the shit stains out of his underwear.haven't heard from her since.but i do monitor her on the game site and she's moved onto 2 new men. slut!!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2009
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Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK I dont understand this. I need help from someone who engages in this to answer me. I got a chance to sneak the phone and look into the cell's history of web sites. computer is no longer in home due to those sites. AFF, ETC... He wont share with me his cell or email accounts. he tells me that he does not trust me with that information yet. So I sneak it. Trust but verify right? I found the HUN site. To me no big deal its just pics. I know its porn but not a big deal to me. Then I found
I didn't know what that was until yesterday. So i made up a profile to try to find his. No luck yet. Here's my question. I asked him if he was looking at those sites again and he replied, well we dont have a computer anymore. I pressed on, i asked if he had profiles still he said no. I reminded him we were trying to be 100 percent honest with each other. He still said he has nothing to hide and "no." Damn it! Why Why Why is he still lying!!! I told him that if he needed those sites we could do it together as a couple. He says he does not need those sites in our lives they cause too much trouble. This morning his facila tick is back and he was again very tearful after this conversation. he threw up in the bathroom etc...I feel bad becasue his tick returns when he is extremely stressed. I'm the cauSe of his stress because i confronted him. But what i really want to know is why the constant lying? Any insights?

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
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Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really do think he's hiding something. Maybe he doesn't have a profile. Yet. But he may have been trolling anyway... and that's the thing he has to understand about himself. He needs to ask himself these questions: Why do I do this? Why does this not feel like betrayal? What is it that allows me to use these hookup sites? These are questions that the WS has to answer for themselves in order to start recovering.

Because you don't have a problem with him looking at porn, he may be using that "permission" to push the boundary of what exactly porn is. You may have to tell him that he's not allowed to look at anything like that unless you're present.

You may also be able to open up a conversation with him based on his reaction to your talk. Clearly his body is reacting to the shame and guilt of SOMETHING.

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
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Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Thank u Fallen. I never thoguht that his reaction was to something shameful. I think he;s hiding something too but he says over and over he is not. I don't know why he doesn't consider it betrayal other than the reply it isn't anything physical and he does not let it progress to face to face meetings. In my mind, there still can be pics exchanged, web cast etc.... If he were honest maybe what was in my head is worse than what he really is doing. He told me again this morning he is not going to the dating sites. I straight out asked him. he said, "no". He doesn't do that anymore. I know he's lying. Maybe next time we are in MC i will bring up his reaction to this conversation and the fact he says he cant trust me with this information. He also said something that was a little upsetting to me. he said there is another part of him that he does not let show. he said when he was younger and growing up he felt like it wasn't the real him. He said he is very concerned about what people think of him especially me. He does not want to lose me and He does not want them to think bad of him. ??? WTF Does any of this sound familiar?

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
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Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I held some part back from my husband- actually from everyone- because that negative inner voice would say "they won't love you if they REALLY knew you." It's years of conditioning that creates that negative tape loop.

Thing is, you DO love him, but he's got something going on that makes him hate himself. Unless he's into something abominable, what would make you think worse of him than what he's done already? You've been willing to R through this... so I just don't know what he thinks is so horrible that you'll hate him.

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
At Fault?
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Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Total transparancy means no limits of access. If your access to his info is limited, it's because he is hiding something.

DD 6/3/09
Me 44 BH
Her 44 STBXW
2 Kids 15 & 10
Married 20 Years
Dec 2011, early Christmas present. She filed for divorce, got a new place to live and moved out, without even 1 word of warning. Reconciliation was BS. Just like the marriage.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2009
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Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know he is. But he feels my invasion on his privacy is only about control on my part. he feels that he is remorseful and is answering questions so we are on our way to R. I feel until he can open up to everything he will continue to sneak things and betray.I already caught him lying about going to from his cell. maybe i'm not giving him enough time though. D day was just end of May.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
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Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But he feels my invasion on his privacy is only about control on my part.

Yes, do talk about it with your MC. Ours explained to my husband that greater "transparency" than he wished for was one price he might have to pay, if he wanted reconciliation.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 11:56 AM, July 1st (Wednesday)]

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