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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
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Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HHHMMM I could try to talk with her about that. I am a little biased against her though. She tends to focus on me and what's wrong with me as a codependent. She tends to let him off the hook becasue he's an adult child of an alcoholic. I get so frustrated with her at times. WS will not interview or look for new MC. So I have my own IC to talk with as well. I will try it and see how it goes. Thanks

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
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Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had ACOA issues too but my therapist made me own my behavior. That was one of the reasons for why I was messed up, but it was no excuse and she made that very plain. Your H isn't interested in changing therapists now because he's hearing what he wants to hear.

Just keep looking after yourself.

[This message edited by Fallen at 7:39 AM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
At Fault?
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Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are the BS and your MC treats you like you are to blame, find someone competent.

DD 6/3/09
Me 44 BH
Her 44 STBXW
2 Kids 15 & 10
Married 20 Years
Dec 2011, early Christmas present. She filed for divorce, got a new place to live and moved out, without even 1 word of warning. Reconciliation was BS. Just like the marriage.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2009
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Member # 24462
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did get my own therapist. He tells me I have three choices.1. Stay with him and try to seperate the man from the SA addiction. Take care of myself and kids and detach. 2.Divorce him because most likely he will never stop lying or cheating. 3.Or grieve his affair, go through the process, stop investigating and choose to ignore it.What i'd like to do(with MC & WS) is to get him to see that he is a SA. I think I will "out" the counselor and show him the quiz from Recovery nation. He definately qualifies as one. Now getting her (MC) to admit that she told me that privately is a different story. This is so hard. Plus my WS does not see the AFF, ALT sites as cheating. He says its just porn and he gets excited by reading the personals.He knows ONS stand was wrong but says he has been faithful for 5 years. Until he sees that he hasn't, What hope do i have to show him he is a SA and we need help. What kind of boundaries can i place on this other than no infidelity of any kind? And I am reading about codependency but how do you really start to detach when u love the person? I dont get it?

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
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Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out from a detective friend that he has WS an account on He keeps lying saying he does not. Now i need to know his profile name so i can send him a message. Not letting him know its me. Then i'llprint out my messages from him and confront him in MC. However, if i do that i would be revealing my sources. hhmmm how can i discreetly do that? any ideas?

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
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Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sharonons, that's a tough one. I suspect that he'll deny, lie, and try every trick in the book, although if you do it in MC he'll have a harder time.

I did what you are thinking of and I did not get the clarity I sought. First he sobbed and cried, then he said he wasn't seriously going to go through with the meeting - he just felt "insecure," then he said he did it because I was withdrawing.

I don't know how to do it so you don't reveal your sources. I suppose, if you really want to get his attention, set up an online account, set up a rendezvous and both you and your MC wait for him in the hotel room. Better still, wait for him in the room with your divorce attorney. That, I guarantee, will get his attention.
Whatever you choose, good luck. Another thing - maybe you could enlist a trusted friend whose voice he doesn't recognize and get a pay as you go phone in case he wants to do a voice check.

Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2009 | From: NYC
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Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good advice about setting up a meeting. i think i might just do that or keep trying to see if he will establish contact with me.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
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Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, July 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK I'm a little scared now. My WS just called me to say that his friend Ian has a surprise for us. He bought my h a computer so he can play on line games with him and his male game buddies. they play world at war? I have no idea if that's it, i dont play games on the computer. for those of u that know, my h burnt up our last computer when i confronted him. I should be posting this in sex addicts too, but i think it belongs here. He is one. He says can we talk about this over dinner. He has said since march that we will never have another computer in the house because of his issues. Now he wants one. HELP! Do I say ok honey, i'll try to trust you. NOT! install keylogger on the downlow... Or do i try to set up boundaries with him about those famous sites...AFF, ALT??? He is still lying about going to alt as it is. What do i say!!!???or do. I think the keylogger is good no matter what. trust but verify right?

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
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Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No! No! NO!! No way is your SA husband ready to get involved in the online community of World of Warcraft. There are so many people whose spouses have gotten caught up in the game world and ended up cheating- some EAs, some PAs. It's just another fantasy escape.

If he wants to play games, he can play on a self contained game system - one that does not connect to the web. This game can facilitate more inappropriate activity, IMO. I can't stress this enough!

Keylogger- absolutely, especially since he's still lying about his web access as it is.

Do I sound emphatic enough? WoW is a big no-no for him, especially right now. He needs to face reality, not live in fantasy land. If he wants to play a computer game to de-stress, there are game systems that are single player. If he balks at this, to me it's a pretty clear sign that he's hiding something and still lying.

[This message edited by Fallen at 5:20 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)]

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
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Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, July 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your reply. I will mention this to him and see what he says. Also we have mc tommorow night. I'm going to ask to table a decision until we discuss it there. Think that's a good idea? Plus does anyone know more about that game and how they can have online a's there? All I know about it is that its about fantasy like dungeons and dragons.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
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Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, July 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I guess this is where I belong. I don't know for certain if it ever actually got the the point of sex in real life, but I don't doubt it for a minute. I don't have any proof and the scumbag STBXH would never have enough balls to admit it, anyway.

I am currently in the very-angry-and-ready-to-commit-murder stage.

BW(Me):20 STBXH:21
One beautiful son who's almost 4.
Final D-Day:July 10, 2009
Seeking the big D.
Discovered I am expecting #2 1 week after final D-Day. Due April 1st, 2010.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2009
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Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any of these massive multiplayer online games that have unlimited/unmonitored chat are dangerous in the extreme. Even games like the one my husband started with are dangerous and I'm the proof. He began playing Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean Online (POTCO ) last June and by this March was having a full blown EA that went mildly PA (met her once and kissing took place). We are in R now and my boundry is that this type of game will NEVER be allowed in the house again or it's D.

BS: Me, 52
WS: Him 51 - 7mo EA/ 2mo PA
27 years Married
DS 24, DD 15
DD#1: 04/28/09 Found email from OW and demanded NC and was promised
DD#2 05/15/09 - False R, C never stopped
"Lose a Cheater, Gain a LIFE"

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ca
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Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 3rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH began his cyber/online cheating 5 years ago. There have been 5 attempts but only 2 successes so far. Two of the ladies basically blew him off when they figured out he was M and 1 is "new" so even though she knows he's M it's all so new she hasn't figured out that he's full of sh*t yet so it remains to be seen what will happen with her.

In my case, I have noticed that my WH starts the pursuit when I'm busy elsewhere and not focused totally on him. He's very jealous of attention directed anywhere but on him so when my son needs me to be a mom for him (he's grown) my WH starts a new A. The A will progress until the OW decides she's fed up.

You would think I'd get to a point where I'd just roll my eyes and not give a hoot, but I do and each new woman is another knife in my heart and I continue to make matters worse by confronting him. Now we are to the point of discussing separation although our friends and my IC assure me he's going nowhere - it's just a manipulation technique.

Has anyone else noticed this kind of thing in their spouse?

My son says he thinks WH does this to get my attention and friends I've mentioned it to believe he's on to something. So getting my attention means he wants me to find out.

I'm totally confused.

I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!

Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2009
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Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, October 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have left online chatting (5 years), without ever wanting to return to it. My BS says that she doesnt think that I went without wanting to return to it, and thinks if we were to seperate that I would return. How would I ever convience her?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2008
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Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1stwife, I'd say that's a very wrong and childish way of 'getting attention.' What he's doing is wrong, and other people are making his justifications for him. Do you start chatting with other men when he isn't giving you 110% of his attention? I'm guessing not. What he's doing is wrong, and it sounds like the IC doesn't have a clue, if s/he is saying your husband is going nowhere and it's 'just' manipulation.

ETA: I think much of my husband's cheating falls in the cyber/online category. Although he knew all of these women personally, a lot of the relationship(s) and what I object to have gone on online, mushy forwards, secret e-mail accounts, discussing our personal lives via decade+ of e-mails with a woman I never knew existed, etc.

[This message edited by capri at 5:04 PM, October 11th (Sunday)]

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
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Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, October 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a member of this club. My WH said he set up myspace and facebook to snoop on me. I have both in order to keep an eye on our 13 yr old daughter. (Go Figure) So, eventually "Something popped up", he clicked it and walla...he found a woman that lives around the corner from his job, who was in an abusive relationship, and his typical "Hero" mentality kicked in. One thing led to the next. This went on for 5months and eventually became sexual. I'm told that it was strictly online, but things sure don't add up. Suffering from the Trickeling Truth Syndrome, know there's more, and will eventually need to know it all. I'd like to ring her neck, and don't promise to not do so at some point. He claims NC, working on recovery, but there's a long way to go. I thought i was doing pretty good, but realize now that i was so numb, and shocked initially, that i wanted to hear something to ease my pain at the moment and nothing more. I am beginning to realize tho, that I'll have to hear it all before true healing ever even begins.
OW's husband is apparently very violent, and abusive, and I do have some fear for the safety of my family if I confront her. I suppose the timing will have to be just right.

BS DDay Jan 11, 2009

Faithful Wife ME 52
FWH 47
DDAY #1 1/11/09 EA Online ONLY (NC)
DDAY #2 6/2010 Admitted PA with the same PIG(12/08)
"Anything may be betrayed, anyone may be forgiven, but not those who lack the courage of their own greatness"

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to say I am a member as well.

I knew my WH looked at porn. I never knew how much until last week. Did you know they can mark their favorites on certain sites and it keeps the dates? This particular site he had been going to for 2 1/2 years! I don't know what made him go from just porn to taking that extra step to actually contacting someone for a ONS. There is a very popular East Coast Website that you can sell things on, but you can also go to a "casual encounters" section. Supposedly, there never was a ONS, but I'm not sure. I would certainly like the "Why's" before any R is truly possible.

Married 8 years
Two Kids
D-Day 10/9/2009
Latest D-Day 6/20/2010
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 443 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Limbo
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Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, November 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, here goes nothing. I have searched all over the net and can't find the answers I have been looking for; then again, I may never find them. In January my husband met someone on FB. They chatted online, played a game together online, met once in person for about an hour, fell in love, made wedding plans, he found a job 2-3 wks before telling me he wanted a divorce, I found out about her 2 days later, he moved out and is living in the state she lives in. Gone since 09/11/09. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN??? I don't understand online affairs that turn into real ones. He hasn't filed for divorce yet because he has to complete his residency requirements in that state which should be around the middle of December. MERRY X-MAS!! Anyway, where do I go from here? I don't understand it. He had gastric bypass about 3 yrs ago, lost a ton of weight in a short period of time, bought a sports car last year and now this!! His mother and friends think it's mid-life crisis. What if it isn't?

Please help!! I need input, advice, I don't know what I need.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2009
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Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, December 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
Found out on Thanksgiving that WH has been putting sexually explicit posts on craigslist. Looking through his email (one I didn't know about before) I don't think it's gone to real life and he said that for him it was more about the thrill of doing something he's not supposed to. I don't think he's done anything in real life besides exchanging explicit emails but it's still not OK. Anyone else been in this situation??

Me: BW, 29
Him: WH, 33
Married: 4.5 years
D-Day #1: 11/26/09
D-Day #2: 12/16/09

Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: SF Bay Area
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Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did the same with my WH on a dating site only when he asked for a # I asked him what would come of it found out but didnt have a # to give him so it never went anywhere.. But when I confronted him on my fake account he said I was crazy and it wasnt me so i gave him my user name and password just to prove to him it was me and after that I told him, "So you might want to be carefull when your visiting other dating sites because youll never know where I might be!!!" This was a way to hopefully detour him away from his unfaithfullness to me being the fact the next day he was leaving on deployment although its been a rough one and Im willing to try R.. I can truthfully say I havent found him on another site since... So i wish you all the luck and hope in however you decide to address your situation...

Posts: 48 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: home on laptop
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