My WH started out by "just" viewing porn on the internet, then noticed ads on the pages. He was curious, and clicked on sites like alt.com and AFF. He found his first "friend"(whore) through AFF, and they met and had sex the very same day. He put his own profile on AFF, and had contacts from various whores, and he met up with some of them, and some were "successful" in that they led to one time sex. He never repeated with the same OW. It then escalated into his shopping on Craigslist for hookers. Over a 4 year period, he had sex with 15 OW's, 6 through AFF and the rest were hookers.
I found out about AFF because he forgot to log out of his email account one night and I read all the emails between him and all the OWs. They discussed arranging dates, and then the SOB FWH had the balls to "thank" some of them. He also idicated his profile name so I found it on AFF. After I discovered all those emails, he admitted to "a couple" of hookers, and he gave me names. I looked up their profile on Redbook, and saw that he had left "reviews" for not only those 2 hookers, but many many more. I sat him down and made him name names, dates, places, etc. OR ELSE.
He has confessed that the internet made it too easy--he states that would have never gone out looking for "it" on his own.
He has had IC and we went to MC.
I wanted to throw the goddamn computer out the window when I found out about his online activities.
One month after D day I secretly installed Keylogger and I am happy to report there hasn't been anything out of the ordinary since then (over 2 years ago). He gave me all of his passwords, so I have access to all of his emails. (not that I really need it with the Keylogger)
[This message edited by kitticat at 1:35 AM, January 16th (Saturday)]
I'm so tired.
I still don't think he really truly understands that what he did was wrong. He is sorry and remorseful that he hurt me, but still doesn't understand, as many people don't, that just because there was no physical sex or explicit sex talk that it is still cheating. They emailed each other on a daily basis. He didn't tell her about me. He told her she was pretty. I would rather have gone blind than to have read those emails to and from each other.
We are going to see a couples counselor tomorrow. At his suggestion.
I haven't been able to sleep or eat for over a week. I've dropped a whole size. I never thought he would do this to me. I set boundaries with him early in our relationship. He knew where the line was drawn. He knows I've had cancer twice and the amount of pain my XWH caused me and the risks to my health. And now this.
I could frikkin kill him. And her.
Tell your SO my story- how I started a full blown A online. At first just chatting with a friend, then flirty chat, then secret flirty chat, then meeting in person and flirty talk, and eventually the A. It was cheating as soon as it went flirty and secret.
The fact that he hid this from you, that it was inappropriate and worse, that he didn't tell her about you, definitely makes it a betrayal- and he KNEW what you'd been through!!
It's an ugly slippery slope. You know this. Seriously, he might benefit from some of the stuff in the healing library if you'd feel comfortable printing it out for him.
I'm so sorry hon. I hope counseling helps.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
Although he had profiles on AFF and Ashley Madison, it appears his As were with MOW he met while traveling for work.
His IC told him he can NEVER look at porn again unless he is with me, just like an alcholic can never have a drink.
10 weeks so far and no porn. However, he told me recently that 95% of the time he has no desire because our sex (read: HB) has been great. My worry is what happens when the HB wears off and he is with **just** his wife again?!
married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R
4 days ago I went to check our cc statement (that my husband manages) and he was acting weird and strange and said we needed to chat...
Then he told me...
3 years of being addicted to "chatting online with people" as he called it and accruing $20,000 in debt (plus the 3 years of minimum payments- $300 ish) to do so. I knew it wasn't "chatting"... get real! He'd been involved in heavy porn, cybersex and online dating with foreign women while he was at school! The school I was supporting him through!
I trusted him with our funds... I had no clue about the credit cards... I am so BLIND!
I thought we were in love? I had no clue at all! As far as I knew, we had the perfect life and perfect marriage!
This is hard to swallow! I still don't know if I've even wrapped my head around it. WOW! Betrayed doesn't describe how I feel. Nothing does.
[This message edited by Lacy J at 9:36 AM, March 19th (Friday)]
D-Day 2/18/10: 5+ years of porn, online dating, and cybersex and $20,000 secret cc debt to do so.
D-Day 3/24/10: 2 ONS's and EA/make out with old g/f
Filed for D 8/23/10
Fast forward to last weekend. He is out of town on business and I needed to check something on his credit card statement. What I found was that he had taken out a membership to AFF in November.
He gets home on Thursday. I know that I need to confront him again. I am almost physically sick about this. I am heart broken and so disappointed. I had regained most of my trust in him, but I can’t imagine that I will ever be able trust him again.
We are in the latter part of lives…both in our 60’s and “celebrating” our 44th anniversary in May. Is this how it all ends?
First D-Day - February 2, 2002
Second D-Day - February 19, 2010
I am so sorry for what you have to go through... again.
We got rid of the computer. Five years later and with a baby we got another computer. By our sons second birthday husband was spending hours viewing porn, involved in cyber sex and chat rooms. He had a list of 8 women he was calling by phone and some he was meeting out for drinks after I fell asleep with our son. I later found out he had oral sex with two women he met online and also had a 2 month affair which ended in a PA. The PA was exposed as only a makeout session at that time. I knew of him chatting and meeting women out for drinks but not of the oral sex. We got rid of the computer again and went to marriage counseling. Five years later we got another computer. By two years later he was on Myspace flirting and sexting with mulitple women. Eventually this led to meeting women out again. He had oral sex with a married woman in his truch and later fucked her in our house. Three days later he started a year and a half long affair with a woman from Ohio who would travel 750 mile out here every 6 weeks to fuck my husband at a hotel for 3 day weekends. A week after their first 3 day fuck fest he fucked another woman he met on line at her house and told Ohio woman about it. A few weeks into thier relationship he started posting on Craigslist looking for hookups in exchange for plumbing services. He did this again in the spring. During his LTA he continued flirting and sexting with other women he met on Myspace and wtih the woman he had already had oral sex with. He was planning on having repeat business with them. In the spring he met another woman he became obsessed with and had some slapping around sex with her which up to that point was NEVER anything he would ever do. He told Ohio whore, she broke up with him...sort of....and then my H confessed some of his affairs to me. This made Ohio whore want him all the more so she told me about ALL of his affairs in a blog on her Myspace page to try to end our marriage. It ended thier relationship instead. Husband is now in therapy for sex addiction and we are taking things one day at a time.
Why Not To Look Up That Old Flame On Facebook; or, How To Wreck A Perfectly Good Marriage
Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.
Relationship research is always moving forward, and this post—the first and most popular at Love Science—is updated per new data from paramount Lost Lovers researcher Dr. Nancy Kalish. Fascinating new details are here, but they only strengthen the core message: Unless you’re single, divorced or widowed—don’t look up that old flame on Facebook.
About 25% of us have one: A Lost Love from our youth who didn’t become our forever mate. And it’s only natural to wonder whatever happened to them. But for the married among us, it may be best to keep those musings to ourselves. Dr. Nancy Kalish, the foremost research authority on lost and found love and its consequences, has long held data showing that even the happily married usually stray when they innocently rekindle a friendship with an old flame…particularly if that flame was their first love.
And one of the easiest, most innocent, and potentially the most harmful ways to begin is with Facebook or another social networking tool. Indeed, the point is well-made in two data collection phases Kalish conducted in the 1990’s and mid-2000’s—first with people who reunited prior to the internet boom, and second with those who got together via the WorldWideWeb.
In her book Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romance, Kalish reveals that 76% of pre-internet and 78% of first-love re-connections in Phase 1 culminated in happy marriages—sex beyond compare, highs that seem to last forever, baby-talk that ruins other people’s digestion. Their later divorce rate is under 2%! Talk about a path to wedded bliss.
But only 5% of Phase 2 reunions ended in the Lost Lovers’ marriage.
What Happened?!? Technology collided with marital status and Good Intentions. Over 2/3 of Phase 1, pre-internet folks were SINGLE and thus available when they asked friends and family for so-and-so’s phone number; it’s a bit daunting to intentionally find an old flame if you’re still wed and you’ve got to ask her daddy for her digits. On the other hand, as Kalish wrote to me, by the mid-2000’s, “People were just surfing the internet, and what could be the harm of sending an email? It’s private, and seems safe.”
Except that if you’re married—as 2/3 of the Phase 2 interviewees were when they hit “send”—the road to hell really is paved with Good Intentions. Affairs are the *normal* result of these reconnections; 62% of the married folks wound up having an affair…yet they didn’t begin the contact with any such plan.
Indeed, most of the affairs start—not when the former lovers are miserable—but when their lives are going well. Especially in the Internet Age, where finding one another can and does happen on a whim, people report reconnections that are innocent in their intent—just to see how the other is doing and share some memories. They often feel shielded from impropriety by happy existing marriages, their age (50, on average), and/or their spouse’s endorsement of the reconnection. They may look back on their Lost Love as a unique but long-gone experience—nothing real that would remain entrancing today. So the emails begin. Upon finding that one or both are married, they meet for an innocent lunch. Most of the time, the spouses know of the meeting—sometimes, they even tag along. No matter: At that point, it ceases to be innocent. States Kalish, “The Lost Lovers—happily married to others and up to that point entirely faithful to their spouses—had no idea that when they met for a simple lunch together sparks would rekindle the fire.”
In fact, if a country song were written about the married sample’s experience, it could be titled “Heartache All Around”. These former flames not only cheat—they typically get caught, cascading into costs on every side. Ultimately, cheating women (in this study and others) are very likely to be dumped by enraged husbands; and cheating men usually “get” to stay married to a wife who remains “very angry, resentful and suspicious” over a long haul that probably feels eternal. Many women, now divorced or having left their husband expressly for their Lost Lover, find that the Lost Lover is remaining in his marriage. As Kalish wrote to me, “I’ve spoken to many women who wind up alone.”
And what then? Partly because both parties rarely exit existing marriages, the most common endings are zero contact with the former lover, or a continued sexual affair. Emotional aftermath includes fractured, confused lives…lives that were rolling along just fine until an innocent email derailed their stability.
Flatly put: It’s dangerous to reconnect with an old flame, even—perhaps particularly—if you are happily married and are merely curious about how things turned out for your first love; and it’s foolhardy to casually encourage your spouse to look up their former sweetie. Social networking sites make it simple to follow an idle curiosity about how so-and-so is doing, and Facebook is invaluable for reconnecting. But it would appear that there are wise limits for friending.
The author wishes to thank Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. for her generous contributions during the update of this article.
If this article surprised, alarmed or otherwise intrigued, others might enjoy it too. Please click “Share Article” below to link it with your favorite social media website.
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2009
My partner's EA escalated quickly on FB. It started in person technically, since we met her and had daily contact (she was our daughter's teacher) but I truly believe that had there been no FB issue, it wouldn't have gone anywhere. FB allowed them to say things they wouldn't ordinarily say in person. False and hurried intimacy that would not develop in real life since they were never "alone" together.. suddenly via FB they could be "alone".
I sometimes wish we could just toss the computers totally. We are students though.. gotta use them.
“...cuz i got tossed out the window of love's El Camino
and i shattered into a shower of sparks on the curb.." Ani DiFranco