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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
a13049
♀ New Member
Member # 28392
Concerned  Posted: 9:02 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I jsut found out that I belong to this club... I caught my WH sexting extremely vulgar messages with a girl from college. I was wondering how some one from college just randomly started texting him, well now I know it was from facebook. They became friends, she didn't really send him anything on facebook though, she emailed him....which I'm guessing because there are pictures of us everywhere and the relationship status says married she knew he was off limits. So she emailed him friendly messages and they exchanged phone numbers very innocently. I am worried beecause when I looked at our computer history it lists yahoo chat as one of the places visited...who is he chatting with and how to confront him...should I confront him now or wait till I know more. I tried to install a key logger trial tonight...we'll see how it works

Posts: 45 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Missouri
sickofthelies
♀ Member
Member # 28566
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I welcomed myself to the WH EA with FGF using Facebook/yahoo messenger club. I couldn't and still can't believe how rapidly the relationship progressed. How could they become so close after not having a relationship for well over 24 years? What made it even worse was the depth my H went to hide it after I discovered there was something going on with this POS! How sad that he created a fake fb account while I sat unaware on the same sofa! It's a nightmare to deal with an online EA because it's always right at their fingertips. they never have to leave the house. How convenient.

My H always says he never goes anywhere. He doesn't have to! I told Him it's not when he leaves the house that's the problem, it's the fact that anytime he wanted to get get his fix(I consider the OW his crack/drug of choice)he had only to open the laptop.

FB and the like are a slippery slope to cheating. Yes, we had other issues and I can take responsabilty for my part in the breakdown of our relationship but that didn't give him the right to *uck up our life more than it was already. He never thought how destructive an emotional attachment to another woman could be.

When he tells me he loves me I see the truth of it in his eyes. That hurts. I've had to fight him and the Ow ( who has been diagnosed as bi-polar and has recently been granted a divorce-May 2010) for my marriage. The Ow even had the balls to pass a message to my H through a close family friend at the beginning of May. I couldn't believe he responded! "I miss you too!" He never really said why he feels any loyaltly to that bitch! It set us back big time. I told our friend to pass back a message to the POS that if she ever contacts my H, myself, our children or family again I would slit her throat. Yes, that was extreme and I wouldn't do that but I wanted her to know that I know! That I won't be made a fool of anymore. I have no idea if our friend passed that message along to her but it made me feel good to say it out loud. Of course he apologized in a text & that he screwed up and it's all his fault but it didn't take the feeling of being betrayed all over again away.

It's a work in progress. I love my husband more than anything(other than my children) Recovering a marriage from this and the other issues we have is hard. I have to give it my all. If I find out the relationship continues in any way again I will pack his bags for him. I hope that doesn't happen but I told him she can write the $2000.00 check every month that he will owe me (we will be married 20 yrs. in Sept. and no judge will deny me child support and alimony.) Good luck to everyone on SI, we shouldn't need a website for this.


BS-43(me)
WH-44 (love of my life)
Children-20,18,& 14
I think I can breath again!!

Posts: 260 | Registered: May 2010 | From: ohio
a13049
♀ New Member
Member # 28392
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that the real story has come out...you can see my profile once I update it...I am totally freaked out! I used to have one OW to hate a target and center for my hatred now its every single woman on the internet/phone. Why does he have her phone number, why is she writing happy birthday on his FB wall. Worrying about one woman that I thought he knew seemed way less devestating than worrying about some random internet skanks tht he has no emotional ties to!

He has been picking up women online for sex talk/pics for years now (since middle school) It's a strong habit and addiction for him. I think that people who go online for affairs are in a different place that ones who create affairs in person, so I think some of the traditional methods of R and recovery need to be different. How have you all dealt with this type of A.


Posts: 45 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Missouri
agreensleeve
♀ Member
Member # 26210
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 7th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found this topic. I wish I found it last year. Count me in as one of the members of this club.

We were stationed overseas for his job. He would go to a certain city north of us about once a month for business. The last time he went, in Sep 09, I joined him but a day after he went. I still had work obligations. So on 23 Sep he flew up to that city and I joined him on 24 Sep. On the morning of 25 Sep, I used his laptop to check my email. As I went to the bookmarks to click on our email address, I noticed a porn site on his bookmarks. I decided to check his history and found another porn site. The 2nd one I found needed a logon, user name and password, so I tried the usual ones and nothing came up. You can still see the free photos and I convinced myself that that was what he was doing, looking at photos.
All day long we walked around the city, took the hop on/hop off bus tour, went sightseeing, the usual.
That night we went to bed and he ignored my advances. I got up, grabbed the blanket off the bed and went to the sofa in the hotel room and started crying. I then said to him “Do you really hate me that much that you have to look at internet porn”
He said no. So I asked him why and he said he didn’t know. We talked a bit but he never really answered the question.
The next day we did more sightseeing, but I couldn’t get those sites out of my mind.
When we got home, I didn’t have access to his laptop, so I couldn’t look up anything.
On Friday, he was going to a motorcycle race. I remembered that we had a desktop computer so I went there and looked up the history. I found the 2nd site: Adultwork.com and I tried logging on. I still had no luck but there was a forgot nickname or password so I clicked on that, put in his email address and then checked his email and lo and behold a nickname and password came up.
I logged on to the site and found that he registered in Mar 07 before we moved overseas. He had to report in April and our son and I joined him in June when school was out.
I found emails starting in Mar 07 to escorts requesting services in April when he gets there. No one replied and he says he never did anything in April. That’s when I found out he did have services in Sep 07, May 09, Jun 09, Aug 09 and Sep 09. The emails were only on the porn site email system, never his personal email.
I also found that he had watched over 100 videos ranging from gentle sex to fucking hard doggy style as well as the escort’s private photo galleries. Then I found the feedback and field reports.
The feedback for the Sep 07 was negative. Apparently the escort did not think highly of him. I don’t remember what she said, be he replied something like “She is crazy, I even drove her to the train station”
The May 09 feedback said “A body to die for, I will be back.
The Jun 09 feedback said “It keeps getting better and better and I am not talking about the sex”
The Aug 09 feedback said “Wow, I am now sore. Thank you for making an old man so happy and thank you for the surprise.
The Sep 09 he did not leave feedback.

After reading all the feedback, I opened the field reports. After reading them, I threw up, I was crying hysterically. I didn’t know what to do. So I printed out all the pages and then I called him. It was midnight there.
I asked him how many times have you cheated on me and he said once. I said no, it’s more than that, I am in your Adultwork website and I read everything. I even read the field reports. I know what she looks like naked.
He said, I guess I just needed to be confronted with this. The next day I traveled to where he was. We talked so much. He confessed so much then, but not until after I confronted him. So I pretty much found out on my own.

My WH said it’s as if he was another person doing this, and he really has no memory of the actual acts or what he wrote. He said it was just sex and there were no other emotions. I asked him thousands of questions and he answered every one of them but he couldn’t answer why he did what he did. Why he watched porn and why he escalated to prostitutes. He told me details about what he remembers. He remembers opening the door, but doesn’t remember what she looked like. He remembers her bending over him to give him oral and he going between her legs, but he doesn’t remember the actual acts. He remembers holding on to her when they were on the sofa so she wouldn’t fall. He remembered giving her a fashion magazine and that she wore sexy lingerie for him in Aug.

He did keep 2 things from me which he confessed in late Dec 09. I also asked him about these two things about 6-10 times between Oct and Dec and he would say no. He bought and gave her a book and took her to dinner (Aug booking). I found a receipt for a book that he bought at the airport in Aug and the credit card statement shows a dinner bill that was way more than for one person at restaurant. He told me the book was for a person he visits and that he got 20 pounds cash back from the restaurant.

One of the times I asked, he did confess that he did take her to dinner but it was a Chinese restaurant across from the hotel. It wasn’t till later that I realized he couldn’t have had dinner twice in one night.
In late Dec, he was having stomach pains so I took him the ER and they admitted him with gall stones. This gave me an opportunity to do some more checking. He finally confessed about the restaurant but not the book. I also asked if he cheated on me prior to these times and he said no. He knows that the restaurant her took her to is one of our favorite restaurants and he was trying to protect me from knowing. Funny thing, when I joined him in Sep, we ate there and I realized a few days ago how quite he was the whole night. I think it’s because he remembered the last time he was there and it was with her.

When I went to visit him in the hospital that night, I took the field reports, his computer, a notebook and a pen. I yelled at him in the room. The first thing I said to him was “You lying cheating fucking bastard” The nurse came in and asked if he was ok and I said, “I just found out he has been cheating on me” and she left. I lit into him like fireworks. I read the field report to him word by word. Emphasizing certain words or what he did. I told him we were in recovery and he just ruined 3 months of it by lying to me. He has just broken any trust he was earning back. I told him he crossed the line when he took her to dinner. It became personal, it wasn’t just sex. After a few more choice words I left.
I drove home in tears.

The next day, he was being released from the hospital and I picked him up. When we got home, he took out the notebook I left him and he read to me everything that he could remember, what was going on in his mind, so much stuff. He wrote about 8 pages of stuff. He even wrote that he did buy the book for her and not the MOD person. He even wrote that he remembered that he was unfaithful to me about 8 years ago. He says he was approached in a bar by a prostitute and they went back to his room. He said the next day, he almost didn’t come home because he was so ashamed. A few weeks later he got STD tested and was clean.
He says that he was depressed and didn’t know where to turn to. But he knows now how much he really hurt me. He was in the fog, the denial, for about 3 months (Oct-Dec). It wasn’t until I read those field reports to him that he realized what he did.
Our IC/MC says that he can’t remember because he is traumatized by what he did. Only when he forgives himself and he no longer feels shame or guilt, he might be able to remember. At first I didn’t believe him and at times, I think he remembers something, but he isn’t sharing it with me. As long as he shares it with his IC I am fine with that. Eventually we will talk about it in our MC. The IC/MC says that what he did was not important to him and he didn’t commit it to memory. So I asked about what he wrote in the feedbacks and field reports. If it’s not important to him then why did he need to write feedback and field reports. The IC says its like writing a review for something you buy. You do it because you are asked to or you see that other people have left a review for a product. That’s all. I am still not convinced, but I have to respect the IC’s opinion.

I have reviewed our marriage for the past 10 years and I do believe that depression and porn are linked, but I don’t believe the depression caused him to look at porn, I think he was unhappy and was looking for something to fill that unhappiness. He doesn’t drink or take drugs, and online porn seemed like a possibility. What I think happened is he became addicted to online porn and couldn’t stop. The online porn took over and after awhile it wasn’t fulfilling his needs. He had a sexual addiction and that was online porn/prostitution. Like anyone with an addiction, they don’t know they have one until they hit rock bottom.

He still wouldn’t talk to me anytime I asked about him, his health. I could tell by the video history from that site that he was starting to watch harder-core porn videos. That is also the same time, May 09, that he started seeing a certain escort. Her profile lists her favorite positions.
His IC, our MC does believe his depression was a factor in his porn addition. And that he was becoming desensitized by what he was watching and that is why he booked the escorts from the same place he watched the videos.
As for why he couldn’t talk to me, it was the depression. He says he couldn’t talk to anyone. Again, anyone with an addiction, continues to go back to the “drug of choice”, in this case, porn, anytime they needed a “high”.

My WH didn’t really start to want to help himself until after he came home from the hospital and read me all that he wrote. I have never seen him so scared, pathetic, he was a broken.

I went thru his computer, every file, and I found a few surprises that he doesn’t know how they got there. I found a 7 second web video of him in his underwear 2 nights before his May booking and I also found a 3 test web picture that showed him in the hotel room in front of the bed they did it on 3 hours before his May booking. He said he was testing the camera to talk with me and that it was coincidence. My computer doesn’t have a laptop so how could that be. That sent me over the edge. So I believe he gaslighted me at times, but I would believe him.

The funny thing is, he didn’t delete any of his computer history so I could have checked at any time. But after 30 years worth of marriage, I trusted him. As for texting or calls, all but one of was when he was in the city he had business in. The first was 2 days before the May booking. He doesn’t remember that call, but I bet it was to find out how to pay her and who brings the condoms. Other than that call, all text or phone contact was the day of the bookings.

We got STD/HIV tested in Nov, 6 weeks later in Dec, and at the 6 month mark in Mar and we are clean. You both should get tested if you haven’t already.

We moved back to the states in March. We knew that if our marriage was to survive, we need to leave the overseas area and get counseling here. The counselor there wasn’t helping any. We found an IC/MC that is really working with us and my WH is making progress. I am positive we will recover, reconcile and have a healthier marriage.

Prior to our moving and in my presence, I had him contact the Adultwork people to remove the feedback and field reports. I felt that in order for me/us to heal, I didn’t want anyone reading what he wrote. They were able to remove the feedback but said we had to contact the provider to remove the field reports. He sent her an email, via the site, and explained that we were in counseling and would she remove them from her profile page and she did. Other than that, there has been NC.

We still have our ups and downs, like last night, but we talk through it until we both understand each other. It’s still a rough road, but we are closer than we have been in years. The mental movies and images are fading as well. In the beginning they were all I could see. Keep in mind, I had the field reports that pretty much painted the picture.


BS:53/FWS:59(LCFBastard)/M:33 Years
DDay: 25Sep09:Online Porn;2Oct09:Emails/PA w/Escorts 6 times from Apr 03-Sep 09.In IC/MC/R.
This is my quest,No matter how hopeless, no matter how far.To be willing to march into HELL for a HEAVENLY cause.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: CO
mermaidmama06
♀ New Member
Member # 28785
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is where I definitely belong. in Feb 2009, WH and i had parted briefly. He packed his bags and walked out on me at 4am on the 30th of December. He moved out a few weeks later, amicably, and we were on off at that time. Anyway, at this time I found texts on his phone from a woman in the USA - we live on the other side of the world. They were very explicit texts describing just what they wanted to do to eachother. I sneakliy pretended to be him and texted the number fishing for more info. I found out that this was a long term relationship and had been going on long before we separated. Needless to say I was devastated. I confronted him but of course he did not tell me everything, downplaying it all and manipulating me into dropping the whole thing. Stupidly I felt like I had no right to ask questions. WH and I had a pretty on-off relationship throughout the year and at the end of the year after a bad off period we reunited and here I am 7 months later having just found out the actual extent of the relationship. OW had propositioned that she fly here (halfway around the world) to meet him and nobody needed to know. They were having cam sessions when I left the house, in his office where he seemed to be working every night and weekends. I even asked him one time if he was having an affair and he laughed at me. I feel like such an idiot.
We are now in R but he has just moved countries for work. I still dont trust him yet and being so far away makes it worse. I dont know what to do. I have so much anger still toward him and toward the OW who persisted in contacting him up until a few weeks ago, even after I had emailed her asking her to leave us alone. Now all I want to do is find out how to contact her partner and family and tell them about what she's done.

How do you deal with all this? How do you deal with the pain and the humiliation? The OW was an overweight middle aged cam wh@re and I am a 24yo slender mother of 1. My self esteem is this small when I think about this.

Sorry, I needed to vent. I havent told anyone about what i've been and am going through.


Me, BS: 25
Him, WH: 43
1 son, 4yo.
The truth is rarely pure and never simple..Oscar Wilde.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: What used to be paradise..
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just adding myself to the club. Mine was 10 years ago. See my profile.

What I find it interesting is that the great majority of WSs mentioned in this thread are men. And I do believe that men do that much more often than women. I often wondered why my FWW did it considering that I never did it.

On the other hand, we did R'ed and we are happier than ever. So while she did it, she never did it again, and I am really greatful for that.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Amethyst28
♀ New Member
Member # 29139
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm new here. This happened in 2004. My WH had an EA online with a W he met playing an online game. It started after our daughter died. He was withdrawing emotionally from me, and was connecting with her.

It then led to emails, phone calls, and he finally asked if she could come live with us for a while (she was about to be homeless-was leaving her husband). I had my suspicions (would read his emails, and little things that they would say to each other would just set me on guard).

He admitted everything (even the fact that he would have slept with her had the chance come up) about a week ago.

Since the EA, he had a ONS with a prostitute in March of 09, and then ALMOST had a PA in Nov. 09. He's not sure why they didn't, but they didn't.


Me: BW (29)
Him: WH (27)
4 kids:DS7 DD5 DD3 DS1
EA: 2004
ONS: Mar 2009
D-Day #1 (about ONS) Sept. 09
D-Day #2 (about EA) July 10

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Virginia
invisible
♀ Member
Member # 21022
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all - I unfortunately I'm back on this site... my marriage ended a few years ago due to infidelity... thanks to this site and its wonderful members, I recovered, grew and began to move on. I met what i thought to be a wonderful man, and we are approaching a year's worth of relationship. He lost his first wife to cancer and is the father of 2 beautiful girls who I have grown very close to (and vice versa). Recently I suggested we attend counseling together as he was having angry outbursts at inappropriate times and toward undeserving targets. He agreed... and since... I have come to discover many deeper issues...including the recent discovery of online porn and links to AFF and many sites of this sort.

At one point, without accusing him, I told him that some of his angry behaviors were huge triggers due to my past.... and asked him if he would be ok showing me his yahoo msgnr list and email accounts. I didn't go into my knowledge of the web history with him yet because the girls were in the same room with the main computer and I didn't want him to know just yet that I was looking behind his back.

Anyway - he immediately grabbed his laptop, pulled me into the next room and accessed both a google and yahoo email account, identified every contact and opened every folder for me. He then went through both of his cell phones for me and was compassionate the whole time. He did admit he gets alot of sex spam and does view it before he deletes it.

I chose to sit on the web history findings due to his willing response...and until I had the answer to the following:

the AFF etc sites are very isolated(or with one followup link w the word Registration - almost like an ad) when they appear and not part of a string of apparent activity on the site...just mixed in with sites of amateur videos, etc. (which he has admitted to viewing when we are apart for days at a time). Is it possible that these are due to popups that occur during these viewings and NOT due to a membership?

I do not want to sabotage a relationship with accusations based on anxieties vs. facts. I rarely have time to his computer alone (the one time I was able to look was it), so a keylogger is not practical.

He has agreed to RC, opened his files, etc. and appears to be trying. However, I do not want to be spoofed again by a master deceiver....ya know?

Please advise...all of you here are my source of unfortunate expertise on this topic....Thank You!


Me: BW - 35
Him: WH - 32
6-1-08 WH unexpectedly proposed divorce to seek "his own thing".
DDay 2 wks later (unbeknownst to WH)
WH still lying through MC. No acknowledgment - No signs of remorse
7-29-08 - I cancelled MC and Filed



Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2008
LostDad1974
♂ New Member
Member # 29245
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sad to say I am a card holding member of this club. My W and I have been married for 11 years – together for 6 years prior to that. We have been through a lot together: financial issues, a child with special needs and the death of her mother last year.
In April, we spent a week at the beach for her sister’s wedding. Throughout the week I started to see a different side of her. It almost seemed like she did not want me around. She wanted to send me to get the kids to bed so she could party with other friends – would not dance with me at the reception – you know, little things. I expressed to her how much this hurt me, and she did say that she did not realize she was doing it and it was never her intention to hurt me.

When we returned from the beach, the odd behavior started. Her cell phone was on her hip like a holster. She’d sleep with it and hide it when she would take a shower. She would often slam her laptop shut whenever I walked by. Her email and Facebook passwords were changed. Before I started to dig deep, I approached her and told her that I was scared that something was going on - that I knew things between us weren’t great – and that I wanted to change that. I questioned her about the odd behavior and she said it was because I was being over-bearing and she didn’t feel like she had any privacy. I didn’t think I was, but took her word for it. In a sense, I actually felt guilty for accusing her of something. She said I was crazy.

I made a strong effort to spend more time together – having a date night and spending time alone away from the kids. Sexual relations between us is very rare – she never seems to be interested. But when it does happen, it is pretty good. Unfortunately, the odd behavior did not end. So I felt it was time to dig deep. I am pretty savvy with computers and was able to install a program on her computer to monitor her use.
I found out that she had a private email account she was using for a profile she set up on an adult chat website. Oddly enough, I did not freak out right away. The profile was not an accurate account of who she was and where she lived, so I chalked it up to her having fantasy chat with random men across the country. What I did find that disturbed me, were private chat sessions she was having with the best friend – and also Best Man – of my BIL. She was the Maid of Honor at the wedding I spoke about above. Convenient, huh? The chat I found was somewhat innocent, talking about random stuff. I still gave her the benefit of the doubt – and figured I’d do some more investigating.

D-day started like any other day. I worked, we ate dinner and decided we would have physical relations – which was great! Less than an hour after that, I was working in my office and felt compelled to log onto her Facebook account. She was in the midst of a chat session with the best friend of my BIL. I was sickened by what I saw: a heated sexual conversation about how they wish they could be together. Not only that, she brought ME into the mix – stating that they didn’t want to get caught – not because it was wrong – but because “my husband is a girl and is overly-dramatic.” Two floors upstairs, less than an hour after having sex with her husband, and here she was saying all of the these things to this POS!! I flipped. I called her downstairs, told her I knew what was going on, that I was sick about the whole thing. And, yes, I was a bit dramatic – but who wouldn’t be?

At first, she was defensive because she knew she was caught and I invaded her privacy. She said it was purely fantasy and nothing did – and nothing would - ever happen physically. I told her I didn’t believe her and she has two options – end it and let’s fix our situation, or let me walk away. She said it meant nothing and she would end it. By the way, did I mention this was Father’s Day weekend?? Happy Father’s Day! I even started to chat with him THAT NIGHT and told him to stop being a HW and stop talking to my wife. He told me to man up. That didn't help my anger - so in retrospect, I should not have reached out to him. But my emotions took over and I was fuming!

The next day, we talked more. I told her that if she really wants a chance at working things out, she should take him off of Facebook, send him a message that it is over and, for God’s sake, tell this guy I am a good husband, hard worker and good father – not the girl she made me out to believe. But don’t do it because I am holding a gun to your head – do it because YOU feel it is the right thing to do. Don’t do it to appease me. I told her that I did not believe her that it would not have turned into a PA, because the guy is local and the chat logs tell a different story – that if they could have, they would have. She insisted it was still fantasy. She said she did find him attractive, but she was not in love with him and that he just made her feel attractive. I asked her if she texted him via cell phone. She said sometimes. I asked her how she kept it from me. She said it was under one of her girlfriend’s names. She showed me her phone and said I could check all of her contacts to ensure he was gone from her phone. Stupid me.

The next night (Father’s Day) her phone received a text late at night. She refused to let me see who it was and erased the message before either of us could see it. She said it was a friend from work. I knew who it was. To confirm, I got online and checked our bill – and sure enough – it was the POS Best Man. All she did was changed his name in the contacts from one friend to another. And the amount of texts between the two of them in this 2 month period was almost 900 tests!! Some full days worth – from the time I left for work to the time I got home. Texting and chatting was even going on with me in her presense!
The next morning, I told her I was leaving. I am not going to stay around and get hurt anymore. I took off my wedding ring and started packing my suitcase. She said she did not want me to go. That she was writing a letter that morning to send to the OG . Which she did. It was a actually really well-written. Stating she knows she was wrong, wanted to fix her marriage and that it was over between them. It almost kept me from leaving – until I went back on her computer and found that she had written him a second letter stating that I forced her to write the letter – that I am forcing her to delete him from Facebook – that I was forcing her to tell him I am not a girl. She told him to ignore it and cool off on the texting for awhile because I am checking it. That was enough for me. She was called every name in the book. I was sickened. Like I was living someone else’s life. I could not believe that after all of these years, it was like I didn’t even know who she was anymore.
That night, I left. Driving around aimlessly, not knowing what to do or where to go. Thinking that my life was over. My family is my life. All I would have left is my job. But what good is that if I have no one to share it with? She begged me to come home, so I did. When I got home, it was the first time throughout the weekend that I saw true emotions from her. Not this zombie that acted like she did nothing wrong. I told her I am really contemplating a divorce. She said she didn’t want that. I wasn’t, and am still not sure, if she wants to stay together for the kid’s sake and our financial sake – or if it’s because she still loves me. I still get the feeling I was in love with her more than she was with me. That I was attracted to her more than she was with me. To this date, I still don’t know.
It has been roughly a month and a half since D-Day. We are currently in the early stages of couple therapy and we are trying to work it out. It seems like a breakthrough for her because she doesn’t believe in therapy – but it was her idea. I still suffer every day. I am still in a very overly-obsessive state of mind. Wanting to know every detail. I find myself wanting to harm the POS OG – and I am not a violent person. I know these things are not good for the healing process, but it is how I feel.

I find myself extremely jealous, wanting the all day texts to be with me - wanting the online fun to be with me - trying to fill that void in her life. But it hasn't happened yet, which is making it hard for me to heal. She wanted it with him and not with me? WTF?

Based on her conversations with the OG, I know they did not meet … yet. I am not sure if this would have stayed an EA or would have turned into a PA. Either way, it hurts like hell. I still love her deeply. She is a good mother and I know it has been a rough year. I really hope and pray that we will come through this stronger, but it is going to be a long, hard process. My heart goes out to anyone in this position and hope I can find some support here from those in similar situations.


[This message edited by LostDad1974 at 4:26 PM, August 5th (Thursday)]


Me: 36
Her: 36
D-Day: June 20, 2010
Daughter: 7 (special needs)
Son: 9
Married 11 years - Together for 17

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2010
naplesmom24
♀ Member
Member # 29272
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, September 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really hoping people still read this forum! LOL.

I'm dealing with the aftermath of an online EA. In the beginning my FWH classified it as "inappropriate" but "not really that bad" (his words, kid you not).

He has recently begun to use the word "Affair" but it remains to be seen if that's just a word he's choosing or if he sees it as that.

He did NC on 8/28 via an email that he copied me on. And let's just say, this email was WAY nicer than I wanted it to be. FWH is a "nice" guy and I know that he could never be mean, even in a NC letter...but still. This OW is a serial cheater, knew FWH was married with two small kids and most days I hate her. I still feel like ruining her life.

But for now, I'm still baffled at my FWH lack of realization of how much this hurt me. We are having other issues now, some that were present before the A, some that are the result of the A (like feeling the need to "experience" other women).

If there are any BS's that can relate and are further along the road than I am, I'd love the input. And if there are any WS who had this type of A and what you initially thought about it's significance and where you are about it today would be much appreciated.

Thanks!.

BTW- the OW is 18 YEARS older than my FWH - ewww.


BS (me) 30
WH 30
Married: 5 years, together 9
Kids: 2 - 4 yrs old, 6 months
D-Day: 8/9/10
Confrontation Day (WH didn't know I knew until this day): 8/19/10
In limbo, hoping for R

Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2010
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess i get to be a member of this club as well.

And I'm disgusted by him for that.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3655 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
beenthere2?
♀ Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, October 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And let's just say, this email was WAY nicer than I wanted it to be. FWH is a "nice" guy and I know that he could never be mean, even in a NC letter...but still
WH tried to pull that, but I yelled at him about how he didn't care about being a nice guy to me when he was cheating on me.

Unfortunatley I belong here too. In fact I belong in a lot of these forums.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, October 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here as well.
However, I'm no longer invested in the M at all.
He will always be doing this stuff online. (Not with me around, though!)
I just wanted to share that when I asked WH why he was asking these online Twats where they LIVED (geographically...like how far away from him)...he replied, "I was just making CONVERSATION!"


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Aisling
♀ Member
Member # 25848
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, October 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Invisible,

big hugs XX I get the not wanting to sabotage and not knowing what's an appropriate response or not. My immediate reaction is that your guy seems ok. You know and I know - who knows? right? but his response seems genuine. Suggest, given your history, you have shared emails and shared passwords..? Dunno if you guys are living together yet but you could have one PC and have a file that lists all your passwords etc..?

We are just having conversations about how to deal with our computers etc at home. We are talking about buying a new PC and setting it up together and having a file for passwords etc so nothing is secret.

Have you told your guy about your history? Given his reaction seems to be really open perhaps this could be a really transparent and honest relationship regarding PCs, internet etc.

I'm not an IT specialist and I know these sites have all kinds of pop-ups etc. I don't know how it all works. Your best answer is to suggest complete PC transparency and see how he goes.. seems like he's doing ok so far..

Love and hugs,

A xxx


Me-BS(39); Him-WS(42)
Together 8 yrs, (were) engaged for July 2010, 2 children (his)
D-Day 12/10/09 - attemped EAs for mths, 1(known)PA
TT til 02/03/2011 - was never faithful
May 2011 - diagnosed SA, in therapy

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London
Herzschmerz
♀ Member
Member # 29805
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a member of this club too...

WH went through a traumatic event at work nearly two years ago. As a result, he was placed on paid leave for 9 months. Two weeks after that incident, I was laid off. It took me 9 months to find work, due to the bad economy. WH escaped into online video games (like Team Fortress 2, and Left 4 Dead) to escape dealing with the emotions from that traumatic event. Eventually he met OW while playing one of those games, and they became "friends". Over time they began talking more, and eventually exchanged phone numbers and began texting. It got to the point that they were sending around 2000 text messages to each other per month. WH also bought a webcam at OW's insistence, and they began having cam chats late at night, after I had gone to bed, or when I wasn't home. They would also talk on the phone, usually when WH was on his was home from work, or in the morning on his Wednesday off, or when I wasn't home from work yet.

After I caught him (by waking up in the middle of the night and heading downstairs for water, where I heard him talking to her and then walked in on him cam-chatting with her -- and she had her top off), he promised to end it. But he didn't. A few weeks later he contacted her again. Then I found out. He again said he'd stop, and this time gave me all of his passwords to his phone, email, computer, etc. Not long after he opened a secret email account and began talking to her again. This went on for two months before I discovered a short phone call made to her on his work phone while I was out of town for the weekend. WH is once again saying it's "over", and this time sent a NC letter. But we will see!


Me: BS (32)
Him: FWS (32)
DDay 1: 06/04/10 | DDay 2: 10/02/10
OEA plus another texting EA
Together 15 yrs, married 4
One beautiful baby girl together

Fully in R! (and successful Retrouvaille "grads"!)


Posts: 403 | Registered: Oct 2010
FmrLIer
♀ Member
Member # 29784
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in as a member too.

My WH had an OEA with someone he met on cyber friends. It started out at a time when our marriage was coming to what we thought was the end. We were literally on the verge of divorce, I had one foot out the door and then we decided to reconcile.

Once the R started, everything was fantastic. All aspects of our relationship were great!

It'd been going well for almost a year and then I found out about the OEA. It's been over a year since it began and it lasted a few months.

When I found out I was totally numb and didn't know if I wanted to continue on with our M anymore. I took the kids and left for a couple of weeks and after I thought about it, I realized that it happened when we had both given up on us already.

So, I chose to forgive him and I'm trying so hard to trust him again. I fight so hard the urge I have to snoop on him and see what he's up to.

It's hard to know that he was able to go outside our marriage for communication and eventually emailed her naked pictures and vice versa. It sucks. It hurts.

Yesterday I decided to get all the nitty gritty details and he was fine with it. He answered every question I had, even the dirty details I needed. He said that the emails weren't "disgusting", but he did say they were sexual for about a month. I know what pics he sent her and he described the one she sent. Oddly, she only sent one that was provocative but not nude.

Once he and I reconciled, he stopped answering the emails and they eventually stopped.

I was actually more upset yesterday than I was the day he admited to it. I'm not sure why, it's not like I didn't know what transpired, but I guess hearing him say it all, and acknowleding that he had the A just broke my heart. I had to leave the house to cry it all out and get some alone time. When I got home, he was there for me and apologized again for hurting me.

I know we are going to get through this. He is truly remorseful and we actually love each other more...is that crazy??? To love him so much despite what happened?? It's almost like a reset button was pushed...


Me (BS)
Him (fSAH)
OA/PA

Ignorance was bliss but it wasn't the reality of my marriage...


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2010
whyme52
♀ Member
Member # 29891
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, October 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad that I found this forum, I thought that I was alone in this situation. I found out two days ago that my WH cheated on me for over a year online with the same woman. I was looked at his emails because he had been acting really strange when I would talk about our 10 year wedding anniversary.

I searched for a different online email account and found emails from him to an online sex lady and the things that he said to her made me physically ill. I also found the most disgusting photos that he sent to her. But even all that wasn't the worst betrayal, the worst part was the fact that he told this OW that he loved her. He told her this on a lot of emails. It made me throw up to read those emails.

I knew that if I confronted him he was say I was crazy so I forwarded the emails to him and told him off in the email. He freaked out and tried to call me but I wouldn't talk to him. I finally agreed to talk to him on the phone and I screamed at him about the affair and about the sh*tty way he had been treating me for the past 3 years. I wanted answers as to why he did this to me and how could he cheat on me?

His answer..he doesn't remember any of it. How can he tell me that he doesn't remember cheating on me? I would never forget cheating on him. He blamed it on doing drugs, something else I do not agree with, and told me that the drugs took over him. I am so angry that I have rented an apartment and am moving this weekend. At times I doubt myself and start blaming myself. I know that it isn't my fault but he simply wont take the blame for what he has done.

I can't look at him because if I do I get angry or I cry. I am so mad at him for betraying me and for cheating on me. I would never cheat on him. How can he not remember telling another woman that he loves them? I can not live with him right now because I am so hurt and I can't sleep because I dream about him having relations with her in my bed. I am not sleeping because when I close my eyes I see those picture of him doing things that I would never believe he could do.

I don't want to hate him but I can't help it, he hurt me so badly. He always told me that he would never cheat on me. I have always let him go wherever he wanted and I trusted him completely. He refuses to go to counseling because he doesn't beleive in it. He changed the pw on the email account because he says I violated his privacy. He doesn't get that he no longer has any privacy, he has to be tranparent in what he does.

Thank you for letting me vent. I am so lost, hurt, angry, betrayed, devastated, and can't stop crying.


Me BS 52
WH 51
Married 10 years
D-Day 10/14/2010
DDay2 5/16/11
DDay3 5/18/11
Separated
He did the crime but I'm doing the time

Posts: 150 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Texas
Mainely_sad
♀ Member
Member # 29804
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay! Another club for me!

You can look at my journal for all the sordid details, but I am also amazed at how quickly it could go from nothing to EA - less than 3 weeks is what I estimate . . .


Me: 42
FWH: 49 (Bipolar tendencies)
Married: 20 years (together for 22)
MOW: (3 kids under 5): 35
EA: 8 months
DD: 9/1/10
Current State: Reconciliation going well :)
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Nietzsche

Posts: 223 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Maine
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in Maine also. Sorry that we had to meet under these circumstances...

BTDT... many times over.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, November 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just saw this thread.

**waving to everyone**
My husband's "activities" were online. He has 6 online profiles on various types of dating sites from Fling to eHarmony. He has been viewing porn since he was young. He claims it wasn't every day, but at this point who knows. I found everything pretty late so I don't know the full extent of his cheating and I know now that I'll never know as he can't seem to remember anything. One of the people in his "hotlist" on one of his sites lives in the same city that he works in. So who knows. I'm at the point of giving up. Talked to a divorce lawyer a few weeks back.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5381 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
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