[This message edited by HippyQueen at 8:51 PM, January 8th (Saturday)]
3/1/11 - heading for D.
6/4/11 R- Turned out to be false.
7/29/11 another D-day and decision
"So, So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't need you" ~ Pink
Life is great!
GoArmyLife, when you've gotten to 50 posts, a new forum opens up called Investigative Tips and you can ask them there. I don't know how to remotely access anything but you need to do what feels right for you. Ask him for his skype password and if he gets upset, then that means he is either in the fog or he potentially has something to hide. Check out the Healing Library in the yellow box in the upper left corner and also, if you haven't done so already, check out the military section in I Can Relate. Maybe they have some useful tips for you. But I think you should ask and honestly, you need to feel comfortable. I can only imagine how much harder this all is with the distance. He may be having times when he doesn't feel like talking so why not set up dates to talk about things? that way he is prepared mentally for it and it's not a surprise to him. (((GAL)))
forgiven and in R :)
"To err is human.
The other issue is a social network that he frequents. I googled his screen name and found that his profile says he's single and there are a lot of flirty texts with various girls. There's definitely some some kisa going on, all of these girls seem to have a "crisis". I believe that he really doesn't understand the boundaries being crossed here, he doesn't think any of it can be real. Its just fantasy/fiction/hobby. Anyone have any ideas on how to get the point across without smashing the computer and screaming?
The hard thing is learning how to trust him again. We have full transparency now. I still find it hard to trust him. He carried on all over the internet on personals, social sites, sex sites, craigs list, backpages, etc....I found numerous profiles, emails, etc.....He claims he only talked to these women online and never met up with any of them. I just dont know even after almost a year if I believe him. I know I have to start trusting him again but I am scared he is going to hurt me.
The one thing I do know is all these online sites are disgusting. Craigs list is basically just a prostitution ring. I read many emails from women to my husband offering sex for money.
I found my WH's online dating sites and profiles (where he claimed that he was already divorced and had no kids- WTF?!?).
When I confronted him about it, he said that he did it because he was lonely, and that he was just "messing around." Again, WTF?!?!
He has since been texting all day and night, during work hours. I was told not to text him at work because he would lose his job. He also said he hates it when his phone goes off, and when I just keep texting him. But apparently it is okay for his whores.
I recently read that about 35% of divorce litigation involves internet/pornography usage.
That 35% does not reflect all the marriages which have detriorated due to inappropriate internet activity, but remain painfully intact due to the kids or for financial reasons.
I've confronted him and he's sad sorry and he'll do whatever blah blah blah. But he still says that "nothing happened" He doesn't understand that an A can happen with his penis is in his pants. (He had a ons in August and confessed the next day because the guilt was killing him). His avatar has sex online with other avatars. There's close relationships all over the place.
How do I convince him that this isn't ok, that it is just as much cheating as the ons was?
I am over a year into R so our marriage is actually now in a good place. I wouldn't say that I trust him fully but I am not sure if I ever will. It just was to much. Site after site, profile after profile, emails, usernames, chats, pictures, you name it. As far as I am concerned he ever even thinks of looking at that crap again and it is over. I deserve better. I deserve a man who finds me special, who only wants to be with me, who would never talk to another woman. We all derserve that.
Oh and every now and then he has these thoughts that maybe he is not really an addict/he wasn't so bad because he didnt REALLY do anything. Yeah right.
[This message edited by chocobcm at 6:29 PM, February 7th (Monday)]
D-day 11/14/10 (found 5 years worth of emails/chats etc.)
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Yes, you love this man, but he has put you at risk many times. What is he doing, besides saying he's sorry, to show you that he's going to change these things about himself? He has some very intensive work ahead, and if he's not in therapy, he needs to go- NOW. I'm sorry for your pain.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
He claims he was contacting the girls(who were all around 22 years old...much younger than me),because he felt like I wasnt giving him any attention...he claimed it was to see if he could get them to send him pics of themselves. But,they're on craigslist advertising,so what kind of ego boost do you get from a girl who's already posted their nude pics on craigslist?? I read the emails he sent them. He told them all he was married. One he asked for a pic,she sent one of her face. He said,"damn youre cute! Where are you at? Any body pics?" She told him where she lived and no,no body pics. With another girl he told her she had a beautiful body and he wanted to text & exchange pics. The other girl he told he was "looking for a hottie to play with",and he mentioned the town he works in.
But he is now telling me he never would have met up with any of them,he was just looking for an ego boost. So why ask where they live? Why tell them the town you work in??
There were 65 men in his contact list. Several pics were exchanged,including one of his face. As far as I could tell,he only had physical contact with one of them. He says he placed two ads on craigslist(Ive seen one,but the other one wasnt in his inbox(craigslist sends a confirmation email w/the ad placed after its been posted). There were over 200 messages in his inbox,dating back to June. Anyway,he was advertising for a quick "blo n go" after work. He mentioned in several of the emails to these men that he could only spare about 5-10 minutes(so he woulodnt be too late getting home from work..he works second shift and I always wait up on him). He told them daytime meetings would be harder because "its hard to get away from the wife."
He ended up picking OM up near the library and taking him back to where he works(factory),and giving him a BJ in the back parking lot! He could have been seen. He could have lost his job. But this was more important. I ended up contacting the other man who told me my husband told him he was "happily married",he just "has a taste for some dick." The OM gave me details that my husband did not give me. Of course.
Its now been 6 months. I am in constant pain. He has changed who I am. I used to laugh and smile. Now I cant do that. My doctor has me on Zoloft,but its not helping much. When I ask him details,he tells me I know everything already. I dont believe that AT ALL. I have searched,but cant find any other email accounts. Ive searched the dating sites,and have found nothing. Ive accessed his cell phone history(it will only let me go back 6 months),and found several phone numbers I dont recognize. I did a search on the numbers,but still he claims not to recognize their names. They just magically appeared in his history. He claims he doesnt have a clue who they belong to. He says he never gave out his number to anyone. I also got the joy of seeeing just how much time he was spending on the internet(using his phone at work). We're talking HOURS. And he works at a factory,where he runs machines..yet he has all this time do play on his phone.He has been an open book since D-day..at least as far as I can tell..and Im looking(snooping)all the time. He is sorry. I do believe that. And he says he loves me and wants to be with me,and only me. I want to believe that,but I dont know if I can. He has changed since I found out(he was caught,BTW,he didnt tell me.He forgot to log off of his email account and that's how I found out. He had just placed another ad on cragslist. That was the first thing I read). He has been loving,understanding,patient(for the most part),and I do believe he really wants to get past this,and to help me past this.
We have not been to counseling. We cant afford it. I have asked him if he would read some of the things Ive found on here,and he said he would. Ive also asked him if he would start posting here,and he says he will. But has yet to do so. I dont think its because he doesnt want to,I think it's because he is ashamed. And he should be.
Also,he says he has always been bicurious,has always wanted to "see" what it was like. He says he has satisfied his curiousity and has no desire to do anything like that again.
I realized this is all jumbled together. Im sorry. There is just so many details and its all still mixed up in my mind.
Thanks for listening.