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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been dealing with this as well. Online cheating from my WH, STBX...
You name it...He is on online porn sites, trolling the dating sites, on Craig's List to arrange NSA meetings for sex( from arranging one on one sex to being invited to sex parties).

I have been in the slow process of getting my ducks in a row for divorcing him/separating..

What makes me sick is the fact that in D (no fault) he is going to get a free ride in getting an equitable division of the retirement that I have worked so hard for in the last 26 yrs( married to WH 33 years).He has no savings or retirement of his own and our house is paid for....

WH and I have been in an in house separation for a while and I had entertained the thought of continuing this and carrying on with my own life , waiting for Karma to kick him in the butt, instead of going thru D and being on the losing end..

There is one small glitch to my plan to take things slow.... WH continues his online porn activities and this has escalated into him doing Lord knows what, that has resulted in a complaint to the police from a neighbor..I am sure WH is lying to me about what triggered this complaint...The end result of this neighbor's complaint is that as of this Dec, WH has had to register to be on the Sex offender registry for our area and the DPS.

Now I feel the pressure to file for D and separate in a much faster time frame( a matter of the next few months) than I might have done otherwise..
Is anybody else going thru something similar and have any suggestions for me?


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2011
purplebreeze
♀ Member
Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, January 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((doggiediva)))

No advice, but wanted to let you know that I feel for you. Maybe someone in the more watched forum threads would have some good advice. It sure seems like another kick while you are on the ground to have to give him half of things but your assets may be at risk if he does something and he gets sued.


me 64
WH 65
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Mar 2011
fbsux
♀ Member
Member # 34579
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, January 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a recent member of this "club". My husband recently conducted an EA with a woman who was a cousin of a high school friend who had been stalking him for a couple of months. He had been depressed, as was I, and he felt he couldn't burden me with his problems. Further, he had decided I was actively pushing him away. The OW approached him through personal messages -- her husband was also emotionally unavailable -- and suggested that they could help each other "scratch an itch". At first, he protested a little, but within a day, he decided a little online play didn't sound like a bad idea.

By the end of the week, they had started developing an emotional attachment, with him saying "I think I could love you more than my wife." They realized things were starting to get out of control and tried to scale things back, but had a hard time doing it. About 9 days into this, I accidently opened his email instead of mine and found a fairly innocent message from her, which led to me finding all the sex and lovey chats. I couldn't handle this and attempted suicide after an initial confrontation. (This is all a blur.)

It was very short, he says he doesn't know what he was thinking, that he loves me more than anything, that he did the wrong thing by not coming to me with his problems. He has given me all his passwords and full access to everything. In short, he's done everything he should do, but I still don't know how to trust him again. Is it time? When do I stop getting triggered every time I see him text someone or pick up the computer? We are seeing a MC and actively reconciling. Answers, help, anyone?


me (BS) 41
him (WS) 42
together 21 years, married 18
2 kids, 14 and 11
D-day, Oct. 12, 2011
Reconciling
letterstotheotherwoman.wordpress.com

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2012
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doggiediva,
is there any way you can file a fault divorce? I would think this sex offence, coupled with the proof you have, would weigh things heavily in your favor.

((((((((doggiediva))))))))))
my h was on all those sites as well.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, January 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here as well. WH was a member of Ashley Madison and Match. He spent 18 months to two years, that I know of, trolling for sex online with random women. It makes me sick. Admits to 8 women -- I can only imagine there are more I don't know about.

I am also on the Spouses of SA thread. WH is defensive and not particularly remorseful. Everyday, I wonder if he is still acting out. His freakin' Iphone makes it more difficult for me to track him. I feel so hopeless most days...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

silly question, but how do you masturbate while on a computer or texting? I can see how you could do it with phone sex, but how about the others? I suspect WH of mutual masturbation with OW (semen in underwear when he sleeps in a different bedroom one night a week - he brings phone, computer with him in bedroom), but haven't gotten any evidence yet and was just wondering how it was done so I could best catch him.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
DupedAgain
♀ Member
Member # 33977
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numbandnauseous, I've never seen it done, but I imagine it's done by typing with one hand while getting busy with the other. Where there's a will there's a way, I guess.


Me: 60
Him: 54
Her: 50, married
D-Day 12-6-11
Not sure what is going to happen now.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Down South
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, January 22nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Numbandnauseous, DupedAgain,

Webcams. More laptops have them as a standard feature anymore.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5456 | Registered: Nov 2011
TwitterVictim
♂ New Member
Member # 34626
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I discovered my WS's EA with a Twitter "friend" in Canada when I overheard her Skypeing him 5 months ago. She was very ashamed and apologized and agreed to NC. Three months later I checked the AP's Twitter stream and saw she had hooked up with him again using a different username. She tried to blame me for the EA and said she should be able have intimate relationships with other men if she wanted since I didn't meet all of her many emotional needs. I was devastated by this double betrayal and decided to separate, but she cried and begged me to stay so I agreed to try if she would end the EA for good. We were already doing MC and she was doing IC with the same therapist, which I realize now was a conflict of interest by the therapist.
WS and the therapist tried to convince me that NC was not necessary since it was "only" an EA and the guy was in Canada and "not a threat to me". We tried setting "boundaries" like no flirting, showing me all her PM's, etc., but that only made it worse seeing all the time and intimacy she was giving him. I started seeing my own IC and telling two friends I was in incredible emotional and even physical pain (pounding heart, churning stomach, chronic insomnia). I Confronted WS and MC and insisted on NC, which WS resisted until last night, when she left the house to call OP and finally end the EA, returning at 4am this morning. I'm Still feeling shaken and battered. Thanks to this website and 2 dear friends I'm realizing I'm not crazy to feel devastated even though there was obviously no sex involved. Very grateful to you all. We're trying to reconcile but I'm having good days and bad days.
EA's are just as bad as PA's, maybe worse. My first wife had a PA and stayed with th AP, so it was a clean break. This is much worse and longer-lasting trying to R, she's in pain too and crying because she had to break up with the guy. We do love each other and are trying to be good to each other and repair the damage, but it's going to take a long time to get over the hurt and learn to trust her again...

[This message edited by TwitterVictim at 12:45 PM, January 25th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2012
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Online EAs, IMO, are some of the most damaging As because there is always that issue of no physical contact. However, the intent is the same. And I found it almost more insulting because of the no PC. It is REAL CHEATING no matter what any F'ed up counselor or WS says.

My WS had an off and on EA with two OW mostly through text message and email for I'm not sure how long before I found out the true extent of the these conversations. He said he liked the attention. He runs his own business at home, and that provided the perfect opportunity.

His phone is in my name now; I check his texts. I know his email, FB passwords, etc. We are in counseling and R. He finally admitted that it is legitimate cheating.

My struggle: building up trust again, and trying not to check his electronics so often.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, January 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doggiediva~ I am so sorry, hon, for all you're dealing with. You should also check out the thread on Spouses and Partners of SA. Your WH sure fits the bill. Hugs and strength to you...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
SerenityLost
♀ Member
Member # 30570
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, January 31st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't post in this thread very often...my WH had an EA that ended 9 months ago. The EA lasted for over 6 months, resulting in my WH leaving and getting an apartment in hopes his AP would join him...she never did show. I struggle with the fact that I feel he just gave up hope on her and came back to me. I am hypervigilant and check his emails, instant messenger, and facebook obsessively. I can verify that she hasn't sent any fishing attempts since last September, but I'm always waiting for a 'slip.' I checked her facebook page that she sent multiple friend requests to my WH on and was finally able to find some real details about her. Her name isn't even what she told my husband! I was able to fill in some pieces of the puzzle that never made sense to me. I haven't told my WH and have no intention of doing so. It makes me feel a lot more at ease though knowing he was in a "relationship" with someone who didn't even exist.


Me: BW
Him: WH

In reconciliation

"Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face." ~ Unknown


Posts: 55 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South U.S.
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, January 31st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HMMM, well this would be an understatement! He was online chatting in Yahoo, Adult Friendfinder and many, many other adult porn sites. He even had craigslist ads of himself advertising desire to have sex with others.

My ex, he wanted me to sit down with him while he was searching other couples and wanted me to participate in conversation with other people. He always used to say "they asked about you"! !I told them you were cool, attractive and very sexual" Thank you my dear sweet husband. Glad I'm not worth a shit any other way!

Than he'd start pressuring me to find some time to meet them and go do the dirty.

This world just isn't right. I used to break in his chat and pretend to be him talking to some! That one really got him!!!


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
Notadoormat
♀ Member
Member # 33925
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Notadoormat at 9:30 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 127 | Registered: Nov 2011
m2012
♀ New Member
Member # 34765
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, February 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though my situation is very new and has not “progressed” yet to the level of some of the stuff I’m reading here (not that I know of at least), I feel like it’s only a step or two away so I need to prepare and really think about what I’m going to do…I have dealt with cheating in other relationships and always told myself I would be gone at the first sign of ANYTHING shady, yet here I am…

I confronted him awhile back about still having a profile on a dating website, he blew it off & gave a bs excuse, insisted he only loves me, etc. things were fine again, profile was gone.. I noticed on the computer history he had looked at ads, not contacting anyone, but just reading the crazy ads after he’d been searching for other stuff on cl like cars, etc. I know his email/fb passwords but had never looked before (he keeps the same password for everything, so I’m not sure if he “really” knows that I could get into it if I wanted to, or if he’s even thought about it..) So one day I went to type in a website and saw some shady stuff come up in the history so, of course, I decided to go ahead and check his email, where I found a couple of emails to women on cl to which he had even sent his pic..I found nothing on his fb except a message to some girl saying “hey, just wanted to say hi & see how you were doing, I know you won’t answer me but that’s ok” whatever that means..She still hasn’t answered, so who knows what that was about..One girl from cl answered him w something to the effect of “hi, yes I’m interested, tell me all about yourself, etc.” & he put that email in the trash folder when he read it & today the trash folder is empty (maybe to cover his tracks, or maybe they are already talking through text or something instead?). Anyway, I’m heartbroken, we’ve been together a year, live together, are in all aspects of each others lives, friends, family , etc. I play stepmom to his kid every 3

rd weekend of the month…I’m not sure why he would let all that happen when he’s obviously not serious about me and isn't happy with me & our relationship…I only found these emails/fb msg yesterday afternoon, and have not said anything to him bc I don’t know what I’d say and I have no idea what to do..I feel like he'd just somehow turn it around on me for "snooping" and find some way to justify it since it's not like I printed anything out..I did a good job yesterday acting “normal” – doing house projects together & going about the day as usual. I think he sensed something was up but I told him I was just really tired…I want him to make his own decisions, he obviously has the desire to talk to other people, spent time tradint pictures w ppl, etc. so that means I’m not enough for him, I'm not satisfying him in one way or another..I want him to WANT to stop doing this – and not just because I found out & he got caught if that makes any sense. I want him to NOT NEED to do this and look at it as a waste of time..If he were happy w me he wouldn’t have any desire to do this. Maybe it’s just inevitable that this will only keep progressing one step further & one step further until it’s a full out sex/relationship with someone else, then he'll leave me... I'm not sure if he only does this every once in awhile or every day. Maybe I don't even know the full extent of it. I am not ready to talk to anyone in “real life” about this yet – they would have a VERY hard time believing me anyway..So, what should I do? How do I handle this? I’m still kind of in shock…Before this I never thought twice about him, no matter what was going on in life I always knew (or thought) this part of my life was always solid..We had always been so open, he never hides his phone or anything else. He had never lied to me  – I didn’t think he was a good liar..Guess I’m wrong..It was easier than I thought yesterday to push this to the back of my mind and act like this stuff isn’t happening, to go on with life and believe the person he’s acting like to my face, which is what scares me..Any thoughts would be much appreciated..I'm wondering if I should do some kind of "soft" version of the 180, just so I can focus on myself and start to see clearly while I gather my thoughts and figure out what I should do..Or maybe I feel like I just need more time to keep checking and see what HE will do (though there's always the possibility of him deleting texts/emails/pics/computer history immediately)....I don't know..


Posts: 18 | Registered: Feb 2012
Somuchemptiness
♀ New Member
Member # 34949
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got linked to this from a member. Thank you. I just found out feb 25 he was in a cyber affair with a women he used to work with. And that he was on porn sites for the past 3 yrs. Went to MC last nite for first time. He still does not believe it was an emotional affair. This kills me. Getting aroused is an f*ing emotion. They even had a nice graphic chat the day before he took me to napa for a long weekend. The memories of that beautiful weekend are now replaced with disgust and disgrace. When I found out I emailed her. Poor thing her hubby wasn't able to be intimate because of depression so she thought this was an innocent way to get around that and it wouldn't hurt anyone. Then she conclude with, get this, I know your husband loves you very much and would never intentionally hurt you. How the hell do you know anything about us. I am so sorry we are all here, although it is nice to have the support. And this cyber stuff IS an affair. It has to be or we all wouldn't be feeling this way. Strength to all! Never thought life could get this hard.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2012
Polly4
♀ Member
Member # 31015
Shocked  Posted: 10:16 AM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, sign me up too.

WW's OW he met online playing a role playing game, escalated to texts, phone calls, exchange of pictures, some explicit, brought her to Wisconsin several times, one of those times to our son's compitition meet where his friends asked if that was his mother? He was horrified! He was 13 years old! took our son to Vegas at Christmas to meet her and then proceeded to have sex with the skank whild my son was in the next room and heard everything!

He has others that he is constantly on the fb, and other sites as well...

just filed yesterday and I am on my way to divorce!


BS 45
WW 46
OW old enough to be his mother
OW #2 Young and sleezy
He is on all of the dating sites, so I have no clue how many others there really are.
Not sure if she is the only one either?
4 boys
21,19,19 and 15
Married 17 years
dday- 13

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
BetrayalHurts
♀ Member
Member # 34836
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am definitly in this club. My WH as been looking at internet porn for years. He has had numerous EA's through the various chat venues. I was so niave in the beginning that the porn was harmless, however, I feel it was just the beginning which led to him having an all out A with a horrid woman. I could not understand why but she was a "phone sex operator"......you know the $4.95 a minute type.


M 25 years
BW Me - 50's
WH Him - 60's
OW 25 years younger
D-Days too numerous to mention last D-day being 12-2-11 *OW went on fishing trip 5-21-13*

"A relationship is only made for two, but some bitches don't know how to count"


Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Colorado
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another one who's WH was a "proud" member of Adult Friend Finder and apparently was an Ashley Madison fan.

What is with these people? His "no strings attached" AFF affair started 5 years ago. Of course, Slutina "fell in love" with him. Now that it's out in the open, we're working through it but I find myself wishing computers never existed.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 941 | Registered: Mar 2012
tarnishedring
♀ New Member
Member # 35029
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I am too a member of this club...
My WH had an EA with a woman he met well playing an online 'nation building game'. They starting speaking 3 years ago, but he was unemployed at that time and I was always sitting next to him when he talked with her (through PMs and chats). I expressed to him then that I didn't like him talking to her and that I didn't trust her. He told me I had nothing to worry about and I believed him.
Fast forward a year, he had a new job (he's an OTR truck driver, so he's gone for 5 days a week) and I got a huge cell phone bill. I confronted him and found out that they had been calling each other. My WH told me he was just helping her through a tough time and that it was nothing more...Once again, like an idiot, I believed him when he promised that he would cut off contact.
Two months ago, when my son asked to play with my WH's old cell phone, I turned it on to see if it still worked and found the text messages and naked pictures of this woman. All hell broke loose after that.
We're trying to work through it and he has changed his cell phone number, email address, quit playing that game and he swears he loves me and wants nothing to do with her. I just can't believe that my WH risked everything for some stupid fantasy, when he had a real woman that loved him and honored him all along...


BS (Me): 31
WH: 33
DS: 8
Married: 9 years / Together: 12 years
DDay: 1/11/12

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: USA
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