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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
Sparkless
♂ Member
Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's amazing to read through this thread and read about just how many EAs turned into PAs. My WW needs to have her head examined if she thinks that's not where her EA was headed, were it not for distance it may have happened right away.

Actually, I'm going to stop calling it an EA. There was nothing emotional about it. He didn't give a crap about her, her feelings, her life. He never even pretended to. He didn't offer friendship or support, it was all about dirty talk.

My WW's rock bottom had to be the morning of the day I finally caught her. It was a Sunday morning and she snuggled next to me in bed and told me how much she loved me. She mentioned that she had been talking to her old friend (which planted the seed for me to look at her e-mails) and that his marriage broke up over sex. Since sex was a sticking point in our marriage (in that she never wanted to), she told me that she didn't want to ever lose me. It was a real sweet and tender moment. As a matter of fact, I had just told her the night before how happy I was with her that week because she initiated sex twice. We had two tender moments together in 12 hours.

So right after initiating this sweet moment on Sunday morning, what does my WW do 20 minutes later? She sends the OM an e-mail. At 8:00 in the morning, while I'm having coffee five feet away, while our kids are in the kitchen having breakfast. How sick is that? After the moments we shared together, you might think that the e-mail would have been out of guilt, that she was ending it. Nope. She sent him some really lame story that she wanted him to finish involving them having sex on the beach. She called it "homework" and asked that he get back to her ASAP so she could "evaluate" it. Evaluate meaning masturbate I'm sure. It was so lame and pathetic. I'm sure the OM was up at 8:00 thinking about her. Please. He probably rolled his eyes and laughed when he saw that e-mail. If that was my WW's way of trying to be sexy, maybe I shouldn't be so upset because it came off as something a teenage girl might come up with and put in her slam book.

Looking at it now, I realize that she was not an adult having a mature affair, she was a horny teenager sneaking around behind daddy's back. Lame, pathetic, and desperate, apparently that's who I married.

[This message edited by Sparkless at 8:53 AM, August 31st (Friday)]


Me(BS)-41
WW-40
DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, I'm going to stop calling it an EA. There was nothing emotional about it. He didn't give a crap about her, her feelings, her life. He never even pretended to. He didn't offer friendship or support, it was all about dirty talk.

I know.. there needs to be another designation other than PA and EA and ONS.. because sometimes it isn't yet ONS/PA but has nothing to do with Emotions so EA is not correct either. I think CA is a good one.. CyberAffair. Or CC - CyberCheat.

Isn't it weird how they initiate conversation talking about someone elses issues when really they are talking about themselves. Do you think they really want to get caught? My WS spends a lot of time telling me about other guys who cheat on their wives.. If I had actual proof I would tell their wives but I can't decide if he is really talking about them or himself with their names.. does that make sense?

And Sparkless - I think that most of what my WS does in his online world is lame, pathetic and desperate.. :-/


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Sparkless
♂ Member
Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wondered if subconsciously she wanted to get caught. There was absolutely no need to mention him. The week before she actually posted something on FaceBook about reconnecting with her old friend. If she hadn't mentioned him that morning, and got me curious about what she was saying about our sex life, I never would have caught her. Further, she changed her e-mail password but didn't even bother to log out! All the e-mails were right there.

Had it been me and I didn't want to get caught, I would have never mentioned the other woman and deleted all evidence right away.


Me(BS)-41
WW-40
DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI Sparkless

Very gently, it does sound a bit like she was so wrapped up in this "magical fantasy" that she wanted to get caught. You could be onto something there.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the weird thing.. My WS has always been one of my best friends.. I have always told him everything.. everytime I am happy I want to tell him about it. When I am sad I want to tell him about it. Maybe it's that same way for them (in a twisted way) and they are so caught up in the fog that they want to share with the person they share most things with..

I hate this.


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean, beach. I tell my WH everything, or used to.

I really have to watch it because when I read things on here or (even worse) the reports from the keylogger, my first instinct is to talk to him about things. It's a whole new reality.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red,

and I HATE the game playing. I almost feel like I am back in Jr. High with all the head games that I despised so much.

Sneaking around.. hiding stuff from him.. feeling bad about it.. until I realize he is doing the same.. only he is hiding infidelities from me.


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So do I. I have a Plan A and a Plan B. The A is to make it work. The B is what happens if A can't work. To get B in place I have to go against everything I am aiming for in A.

Crazy mixed up crap.

It's not of our doing though, beach, so I guess we just have to get on and do it.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
Sparkless
♂ Member
Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And Sparkless - I think that most of what my WS does in his online world is lame, pathetic and desperate.. :-/

You know, for a long time after this happened I felt like I must be lame, pathetic, and desperate. I mean, all I've wanted for years was to want for my wife to want to have sex with me. That's it. The only way I could open my eyes in the morning and not feel like garbage was to tell myself that she wasn't sexual, she wasn't programmed that way. So when I found out about the CA, I was devastaed, not only by the CA, but because I felt it must have meant that for all those years, she was sexual, just not interested in me. I must be lame in bed. I must be pathetic for wanting her so much. Certainly I was desperate, desperate to get a sexual crumb from her.

Lately though, I realize that I'm not those things. I'm not Brad Pitt, but I've had many women tell me I'm cute or smile at me, maybe not as often as I used to, but it still happens. Maybe I'm not John Holmes, but back when, I satisfied a few women.

I've come to realize that my WW was the one who was lame, pathetic, and desperate.


Me(BS)-41
WW-40
DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkless...

It has nothing to do with how attractive a person is or how endowed they are. I look at some of the online pics of people my WS is having his little CAs with and they are butt fugly!

I have spent YEARS believing that if I just do xxxx better or xxxx more then he wouldn't need to stray.. But you know what.. I AM NOT SATISIFIED and I am not looking elsewhere.. It comes down to morality and living a true life.

I would have TONS of respect for him if he came to me and said "I love you.. but I just cant be faithful.. It's not you.. It's me".. Wow.. what a concept. Honesty. Sadly it won't happen.

It is NOT you, Sparkless.. I am sure you are a handsome, wonderful and engaging guy. YOU should be enough for someone. You deserve that. We all do.


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Beach said.

Sparkless your WW sounds like a Sex Addict. A SA by nature won't be thinking about how you feel when they get what they think they need to keep them happy. It's part of their nature to be thinking of their needs and theirs alone.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad about all of this. I'm still in the early days myself and I know how awful it feels.

The cyber business is hard to get your head around and I am fairly sure it wouldn't be enough to entertain a SA for long, they always seem to want to move on to the next big thrill. Or so my WH did.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The cyber business is hard to get your head around and I am fairly sure it wouldn't be enough to entertain a SA for long, they always seem to want to move on to the next big thrill

^^^^ Yes.. this!

The newness wears off of everything.. Normal people realize this.. Sex Addicts are always looking for their next big rush.. CAs will lose their shiny newness and then onto the next naughty thrill. It's what they do.. It's their sickness. But it has nothing to do with you. It has taken me years to get this into my thick skull.


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
skybluesky
♀ Member
Member # 27817
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard to wrap your mind around the idea of a partner on the phone or typing away at the computer ~ chatting sexually ~ when you're only a few feet away.

How in the heck do they manage to pull this off and then a few seconds later look you right in the eye?

I, too, will never forget the look of my WS's face at those times.

So cruel. It still boggles my mind.

What kind of person has the ability to even do this?



Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2010
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you sky.

I was totally horrified as well, when my WH told me it wouldn't stop him if our KIDS were in the house.

He'd just shut the door and get on with it anyway.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
Sparkless
♂ Member
Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so hard to accept that your loving partner would rather talk about sex with someone else than have sex with you.


Me(BS)-41
WW-40
DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
ShockedAndHurt
♀ Member
Member # 36657
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, this is my first post in here. I am very new to all this. DDay was 3 weeks ago. My WH was having multiple cyber affairs. It started that way and developed into PAs with 2 women.

The thought of him sexting while sat in the same room as me sickens me. Or perhaps worse yet, doing so while sat with our 3 year old while he falls asleep. I know for a fact he did that as that's how I caught him, I popped my head in while he was sitting with our son and saw him flip the case on his phone shut very quickly, like he didn't want me to see. My suspicions were raised and that night I waited until he was asleep then checked his phone. Sure enough, dirty texts from that time that evening :(

He found the women on a site called Fet Life.

[This message edited by ShockedAndHurt at 3:08 PM, August 31st (Friday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 33, EA summer 2008, multiple cyber affairs, 3PA summer 2011-summer 2012
Together since 1999, married in 2004
2 Children
DD1: 9th Aug 2012
DD2: 6th March 2013 end of reconciliation and start of separation
DD3: 29th June 2013

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ShockedAndHurt))) I am so sorry that you are here.. But welcome.. You will find SI to be a place to vent and try to gain understanding while you work out what is best for you and your family while dealing with the betrayal.

My husband has a profile on Fetlife.. On it he says that "the wife and I have an agreement that we can both do our own thing".. Really? What wife? Me? We have no such agreement.. that would actually require HONESTY on your part, dear.

Read the Healing Library.. Read all about the 180. It helps.. It really does. And while you are working through it all.. we are all here for you.


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's one I haven't heard of before. ShockedandHurt I'm sorry you're here... it's a very helpful thread though.

Beachgirl aren't you wonderful to agree to that??? (Sarcasm alert!) Apparently I have no relationship with my husband but we live in the same house for the childrens' sake. AS IF.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
Sparkless
♂ Member
Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A CA really is a special kind of humiliation. Particularly when they do it in your presence. Could they respect you any less?


Me(BS)-41
WW-40
DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkless have you seen a counsellor yet? I can tell you are really down about all of this but I think you need a trained professional to speak to because they will be able to help you more than us all making suggestions from our own experiences.

It really does sound like your WS lost sight of the "us" and the "you" and was only thinking of herself.

Please do think about finding an IC.

((Sparkless))


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
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