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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
ShockedAndHurt
♀ Member
Member # 36657
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I looked at the description of the 180 but couldn't finish reading it, it's not for me or us. We are trying to reconcile, he is very remorseful and we are currently talking very openly at almost every opportunity. I can't possibly be constantly cheerful, etc. Fakeness isn't for me.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 33, EA summer 2008, multiple cyber affairs, 3PA summer 2011-summer 2012
Together since 1999, married in 2004
2 Children
DD1: 9th Aug 2012
DD2: 6th March 2013 end of reconciliation and start of separation
DD3: 29th June 2013

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

S&H --

That is good.. I am happy to hear that he is remorseful and you both are working on R.


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
commanche
New Member
Member # 36663
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if I fit in this category. Maybe I am looking for hope? Is it possible for your partner to love you madly yet have sexual fantasy texts and emails and facebooking with women he knows personally through work and socially? Is it possible that it is never and will never be physical? He doesn't look at porn and he has met theses women personally and drawn them into these relationships...sexual fantasies..exchanging sexually explicit photos yet if I hadn't found out accidentally I would have never suspected by how he professes his love to me and how great our sex life is.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2012
Sparkless
♂ Member
Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Commanche, I think your situation definitely fits this thread. I think that it is possible to love your partner and engage in those types of fantasies. Just the same, he needs to understand that when he begins to actually interact with other women, it's no longer just fantasy. If he's doing anything behind your back, then he's dishonoring you and your marriage. You need to decide if you're ok with him doing this and if you're not then he has to stop immediately. If I were you, I would tell him to stop. Even if he has no intention of going any further, there's a real possibility it might, especially if these women are local. You can stop him from making a mistake he'll regret later.

Of course, you should also do a thorough search of his e-mail, phone, FB account, etc. to make sure that nothing has already happened.


Me(BS)-41
WW-40
DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

commanche I am very sorry, but be wary.

The texts/emails/facebook exchanges etc and exchanging photos are all new and exciting. Some people can compartmentalise and say they are totally separate from the love they have for their partner.

I would be really careful though as this sort of thing can lead down other paths.

I would suggest counselling and installing a keylogger (without him knowing) at the very least.

Good luck and sorry you find yourself in this position.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
srslywtf
♀ Member
Member # 36729
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just about to buy a keylogger myself, but I know that it has gone beyond the fantasy. Only you can decide what your boundaries are and if he needs to stop for your relationship to thrive, but at the very least I would try to make sure you are a part of his fantasy- via your own sexts, pics, etc. And keep tabs on what you can.
I let things go for way too long and the lies and betrayal went deep (and for 7 years).
Anyone have experience with specific keyloggers or iphone spies, BTW? He says he's going to change, but I don't believe anything anymore.


BS=me, 35
WS=him, 36
married 10 yrs, together 12
dday- September 1, 2012
years of passive-aggressive pushing and deception which led me to find the secret email for 9 yrs of bi hookups, threesomes, other bs. We were reconciling. He gave up

Posts: 69 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: The Best Coast, USA
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

srslywtf I installed eBlaster by Spectorsoft and it has been fantastic for my peace of mind.

Good luck.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
AnnikinSkywalker
♀ New Member
Member # 35535
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, September 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, I can relate to this thread.

In my case, what especially added insult to injury was the fact that my fWBF and I met online. I've worn it proudly like a badge on honor and encouraged others to try to meet someone this way. After all, look at how successful our relationship was, right? Seeing him write the same things to other women that he had written to me still makes me ill.

It truly doesn't matter that they didn't mean anything to him or that he didn't touch them. The fact remains that he betrayed me by sharing an intimate part of himself that was only meant for me.


Me: BGF, 27
Him: fWBF, 27 (Tennis1234)
Together over 5.5 years
D-Day #1: April 1, 2012
D-Day #2: April 23, 2012
D-Day #3 (new info): May 9, 2012
TT until 7/13/12.
4-year-long obsession with cyber sex, sexting, webcamming, several EAs.

Posts: 15 | Registered: May 2012
broken <3
♀ Member
Member # 35098
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Annikin - me too! I met my fWS online
This whole subject is another monster in and of itself - add to it that I'm not married and have no kids and it's just another layer.
I think I need to step up my game with mine - I found his porn on his iPhone last week and it's clear he is not maintaining NC (I know funny sitch - but I think it applies to me). If anyone has any suggestions - I'm all ears!


Me - BS mother of 10month old identical twin girls (conceived during HB)
Him - serial cheater
R? Still not sure if this is a deal breaker...

Posts: 459 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West coast Canada
starting
♀ New Member
Member # 36647
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder the same thing about a person being able to tell you he loves you, has always loved you and yet he was texting & e-mailing a SKANK while you are in the other room! My WH falls into the being able to justify and compartmentalize his actions. After discovering an A twenty years into our marriage, I worry what else was just a lie. I never in a million years thought he'd be the person to do this. The worst part is (well, it's all the worst)that I actually believed at the time of the A that we were in a positive part of our relationship. I feel like such a fool for believing that a relationship could just take care of itself without nurturing and constant effort. My WH still feels insists that it never went beyond "just talking" I saw some of the e-mails. Sending someone hugs & kisses sounds to me like more than just wanting to talk. I still believe that cheating is cheating the minute you cross the boundrie of any action that you are doing secretly and have to justify. I picture the e-mails constantly and they are still devastating a year later. I wonder how many other "just talking" A's I didn't suspect and doubt I will ever really believe every word or fully let me heart open again.I want to check all of the phone records for some sort of peace of mind. If evidence is in black and white,he can't bullsh*t me.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2012
allaboutthekids
♀ New Member
Member # 36993
What?  Posted: 2:58 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out on Friday. he left his e-mail open and I thought it was mine and pulled up drafts. He had written to a dominatrix and planned to meet her but now swears he never did. swears he never touched anyone, but that he wrote lots of things like that. What is alt.com? Can he really believe this isn't cheating? If he's hiding he's cheating right? If he's getting sexual gratification from someone else even if they aren't in person it's cheating right.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Sep 2012
Diva0702
♀ Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, September 30th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alt.com is a fetish site for BDSM. I know this because my FWH set up an account on it. He has had issues with cybersex and pornography which actually started the day he bought a laptop to take to work in 2006 (he works way at sea), and as a consequence or an add on to his LTA. I actually discovered that actvity before the A! I asked him to tell me if there was another woman when I found all the chat rooms and sex talk he was sharing with internet prostitutes (because basically, that is what they are), and he denied it, bare faced lied right in my eyes. It took me another 14 months before I actually found evidence that he had been having the A since 2006! He has, in the last year taken counselling for his addiction to internet porn and prostitution. He never saw it as a problem, like some of the posts here, because he didn't 'physically' cheat in the real world! HELLO!!! He now has to monitor himself constantly when using the internet to ensure he doesn't slip into old habits. He is fully aware that one more incident of it will end his marriage for good. I will not tolerate any more of that s**t. He is not permitted access to anything pornographic (that is from his counsellor, not me). It's much like any other addction. Total withdrawal is the only cure.


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
aloneinside
♂ New Member
Member # 36994
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The simple fact of the matter is it doesn't matter that the affair is only online. They are fantasizing about doing the same things to each other and it's just a matter of time until they want to live the fantasy. I'm sure my wife thought her online fling was just a fantasy at first but after a just few weeks we was cutting me out of her life to sex talk the OM more. She also started trying to convince me that we should move 1000 miles away to the city he lived in. The only thing that snapped her out of the fog was realizing her fantasy was having real life results when I told her to stop or start packing.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2012
hurtandscared30
♀ New Member
Member # 37127
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is definitely for me, though it doesn't seem very active anymore.
In August I was playing games on my husbands phone, and decided to look up directions to somewhere I was going later that week. So I opened up the internet browser on his phone, and it showed an ad that he had placed on craigslist, looking for someone to 'shower with' on his way home from work. I felt totally sick and heartbroken, completely betrayed...and it was barely a year after our wedding! A week or two later I was once again playing with his phone (while he was sleeping on the couch), and decided to check his text messages and emails. I found messages from several hook-up sites (one was reminding him to complete his profile by adding a picture). I also found a message from some chick whose craigslist ad he had apparently answered...she was answering questions he'd asked and sent him a picture of her sitting naked with legs spread on the couch. I did confront him when he woke up...he said he was sorry he hurt me, that it was stupid of him and he wouldn't do it again, blah blah blah. And yet a few weeks later I again opened the internet browser on his phone, and this time the Ashley Madison login page appeared! I just downloaded a keylogger program and hope he won't find it...it might be the only way of knowing just how involved in thi stuff he is...and if it's worth reconciling.


BS: Me 30
WS: Him 33
DD: 19 months old
DS: 6 months old
D-day 1: August 19th 2012
D-day 2: August 30th
D-day 3: September 5th
D-day 4: October 2nd

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Washington
Diva0702
♀ Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 23rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtandscared, a very wise move. I put a software programme on my FWH's laptop as he travels to and from work (he is away for three months on a ship, then off for three).

The day he got the damn thing must have been the day he started all that crap, and when I found it the first time (before I knew about the full blown PA he was having at the time), it cause me to have a nervous breakdown. It's a been a very bumpy road to where we are now.

If your gut is telling you something isn't right it usually isn't. Keep an eye on it and NEVER tell him what you're doing!


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
Stace0421
♀ New Member
Member # 37256
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is long, sorry.

I've been here once before, about 8 months ago under a different name. I thought it was all worked out, but I was wrong...

My bf (yes bf, not husband, not even fiance, some people might stop reading at this point and say just leave and don't look back) and I have lived together for just over a year, been together about two. The first time (emails, profiles, etc) he said he didn't see it as a big deal at all since it wasn't "real", etc just like a lot of you have said. But supposedly understood how I felt, how he would feel the other way around, etc and did/said all the right things to gain my trust back..It's still hard to believe he'd take the time to do this. Maybe that's why sometimes I feel like I'm the one in the "fog" bc sometimes it doesn't even feel real...

I'm not sure if he knows that I have most of his passwords (he's not the most internet savvy and has the same passwords for everything, he has asked me to log in to look stuff up before a long long time ago so maybe he thinks I just don't remember?)..Anyway, I have the password to his regular email (which he usually doesn't use for this stuff) and could probably figure out the ones to "that" email acct as well as an acct he uses on a website (pof). There could be more websites too, and probably are, I just haven't taken the time to sit there and look.yet...Which makes me think, again, how do THEY have time for this with work, family, everything else going on in life? Why would you take the time to sit there and make up accounts for this shit?

I have the password to his phone (which again, is almost the same as his other passwords and he types it in right in front of me so all I had to do was pay attention while he types it in to figure it out) which is where i saw the texts...He never hides his phone and leaves it out all the time so I'm sure he thinks I don't know the password or wouldn't take the time to look. There are several different people he texts with (I assume they are from pof), trading pics of genitals, etc. Some he talks to often, some are every once in awhile. It breaks my heart and makes me sick all at the same time bc he simply isn't interested in that stuff with me...Sending him pics of myself, sexual/flirty texts, gets little to no response. He just doesn't want me. I'm not a supermodel but the people he talks to are gross, old, yes maybe they have big boobs but thats it..What do they have that I don't?

I also found texts from an ex (which after a little thought I figured out were from when I happened to be out of town for a girls weekend, how convenient)..Drunk, sober, fighting w/ me, out of town, I don't care, there is no reason he should be texting an ex (she's younger, nothing special through I know there are interested in some of the same things) unless there are still feelings there or something. I couldn't read the texts he wrote, only her responses (he must have tried to delete them but they were in a hidden folder) but it sounded like she had maybe texted him the night before or something bc she said oh, nevermind i'm back in (town where she goes to school) now, just wanted to see how you were doing and another response he must have asked her to meet or something bc she said i can't i have to work early, etc. Shady, shady shit.

Why does he keep me around, continue to talk about plans for our future, do family stuff w me, continue to put me in step-mom position with his son, if he doesn't want me? I don't make a lot of money, is it just to have someone there? Why not just break up with me if he wants to be single? If you're not into someone anymore and wanting to explore what else is out there, why not just break up with me? Needless to say I haven't confronted him yet about this partly because it doesn't even seem real to me..I'm not sure what to do yet, so I'm not doing anything except focusing on myself, getting out stress through my workouts (recently joined a kickboxing/boxing club so that has helped a lot with my stress level), doing what I want/need to do, focusing on starting grad school in a few months, getting my ducks in a row...

Maybe I feel like I need to prepare myself a little because I know that once I confront him, the shit will hit the fan and it's possible I could want to leave very quickly..I don't know what I want...And I wonder why it's not harder to keep it from him that I know? I don't check his phone everyday, and sometimes he does delete stuff so I know the times I don't find anything I shouldn't get my hopes up bc it doesn't mean he's not doing it anymore..I'd like to say I know for sure it's all online/texting but right now I don't know anything for sure - it's hard enough for me to believe the stuff I've already found even though it's right there in front of me..And if it hasn't progressed to anything physical yet, it usually does right?

I just feel like if I have to demand that he stop doing it, doesn't that defeat the purpose? I have tried very hard not to be bossy/controlling (I have apparently been that way in past relationships), and tried to not have a "demanding" attitude while still trying to show that I respect myself and need respect from him ...I guess I want him to do what he wants, I can't control anything that he wants or feels, I can't make him want me, love me, etc. If he wants these other women, his ex, whoever, I can't make him stop having those feelings..I honestly love him with everything in me but if he doesn't feel the same way it's not possible to force it...I want him to WANT to stop doing this, not stop doing it because he got caught and because I asked him to. Does that make any sense at all? But obviously this IS what he wants to do bc he hasn't stopped doing it..Something about our relationship isn't meeting his needs, for some reason he is not content with "just" me/us..I am still trying to wrap my head around it and don't feel I'm in the position to make any moves just yet..I know what I'd tell someone else - cut and run, there are guys out there who just don't do this...Why can't I take my own advice...I feel unloved and unwanted and crave his love & attention so bad but it makes me feel so desperate..

Maybe im more sad than angry, sad that now i know im just not it for him & he doesnt feel about me the way i do about him..i dont know what to do, hes going about life like normal, talking about insurance & household/family stuff...i have this urge to give him space, like get out of his way & give him time to himself even though we all know how hes probably going to spend it..we were supposed to go to halloween parties sat, do i go & just have fun w friends there and revisit my thoughts later? Make up a girls weekend & go stay w a friend til sun? Say im not feeling well & just stay home? I dont know...btw i tried sending him a sexy text today just for the hell of it, asking him if he was interested in x,y&z tonight, etc. of course, no interest..hes interested in it all right, just not from me (I can guarantee if that same exact text were from any of his "girls" there'd be quite a different response..


He comes home & it will feel normal, easy to forget & hard to distance myself...its hard to look at him & know that he wrote those texts, those are his words, his choices, initiated by him...its almost like he has this whole other side to him, like i dont even really know him at all..


Posts: 15 | Registered: Oct 2012
Stace0421
♀ New Member
Member # 37256
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thing..Is it stupid to hope that someone can stop or will stop this on their own? He is obviously still doing it so is it stupid to think that he might wake up and make the choice to stop without being "caught"? Am I just grasping at straws? My feelings are so all over the place right now..

Posts: 15 | Registered: Oct 2012
hurtandscared30
♀ New Member
Member # 37127
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Stace0421)))) First off, I'm sorry that your boyfriend is doing this to you, I know how very well how much it hurts. You might want to check out the healing library (in the yellow box at the top of the page), there are a lot of helpful articles. At some point you will have to tell him you know about his online activities and explain how it makes you feel. Maybe he will decide to stop and try to work on your relationship, maybe he will just try to get sneakier. I'm sorry I don't have better advice to give.


BS: Me 30
WS: Him 33
DD: 19 months old
DS: 6 months old
D-day 1: August 19th 2012
D-day 2: August 30th
D-day 3: September 5th
D-day 4: October 2nd

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Washington
hurtandscared30
♀ New Member
Member # 37127
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, October 24th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Diva0702 I'm very glad I decided to get the keylogger, it's nice to know what he's doing online. Since I downloaded it, he has not done one even semi-inappropriate thing online, on either of our computers. I have found no evidence of any suspicious activity on his phone either. And honestly, he's been spending much less time messing around on either the computer or his phone, and more time interacting with me and with our kids. It is helping me to feel a little less paranoid, though I'm not getting rid of it anytime soon!


BS: Me 30
WS: Him 33
DD: 19 months old
DS: 6 months old
D-day 1: August 19th 2012
D-day 2: August 30th
D-day 3: September 5th
D-day 4: October 2nd

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Washington
Stace0421
♀ New Member
Member # 37256
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can they "separate" it all so easily? Doing all this bs & "real life" i mean..how can he possibly be playing family & home life w me, trying to make plans to buy a house (his initiative), while talking to these women?! & entertaining the idea of meeting them in real life?!? Sending them his real picture, etc. this is so hard to process. How can a life w someone seem so real when its not..how can someone be such a different person than you thought they were...if men are unhappy in their relationship, why not just leave?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Oct 2012
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