He was born with a condition called Bladder Extrophy, it has left him unable to have penatrative sex with anyone. He is able to ejaculate so we have our own way of touching each other etc. I am the only woman he has trusted with his body and he had never had a girlfriend for longer than 4 weeks due to the fact he would have had to tell them about his condition.
We got married and had 4 cycles of IVF treatment as we longed for a child - i became pregnant but sadly at 8 weeks i lost our baby. We then went donw the route of adoption, and were in the process of being matched with a child when i found out about his online affair.
I call it an affair because thats what everyone on here calls it. My husband used to go onto a chat room, and have cybersex with different women. He had a secret yahoo account and used to email women from that, when i found out, he deleated everything off these accounts bit i found sent messages that he had forgotten to delete. There was nothing weird about the messages, the usual hiya, great chatting to u last night, do u have a yahoo account i can add u to, here is mine etc .. there was one woman in particular who he added to his yahoo chat (there was only this one woman on his friends list) and she used to go on her webcam and touch herself while he watched! I KNOW that he didnt go on his webcam, 1: it wasnt working and 2: he would NEVER show his body to someone else. I beleive that he didnt show himself to her. He did send her a picture of himself (a normal one) and he showed me the one he used. Again i beleive him. But this is beside the point. The fact of the matter is, he did this with this woman, who was also married. He would log on to talk to her, and the chat would get flirty, and she would eventually strip naked and touch herself! When i found out he came up with the usual excuses, i dont know what its like to be with another woman - im stressed at work, bla bla ... but the one that really got to me was ... that he wanted to know what it was like to be able to have penatrative sex with someone!!! he said that with the cybersex, he could be who he wanted to be, he could do what he wanted to do. he felt he couldnt do those things with me because in reality he physically couldnt. I DO understand that need ... BUT i still feel betrayed, i feel hurt, im still devastated 6 mths on.
He was remorsful, he was sorry, he was devastated at the way i reacted. He begged me to forgive him, told me that i was the only one who understood him (almost made me feel that he is only with me cos i accepted him for who he is) he said he didnt think he was having an affair, because there was no physical touch etc. We went to marriage guidence and she told him 'YOU HAD AN AFFAIR' it shocked him, and me too if im honest. he also used a different name in the chat room, and lied about his age. Said he was single and 20 yrs younger etc ... created a whole new life! like he was a different person. During this time (about 6mths) i had noticed his usage on the internet, but it never entered my head that he could that to me.
I dont even know why i am here today. I still find it difficult to come to terms with. Im jealous that he went to a chat room to get what i have always wanted to give him.
Since then, we have talked and talked about everything, about our fantasies, about what we want, what we like (i guess i used to say just touch and no penatration was ok, when really it wasnt, i had needs too but i shut down for fear of hurting his feelings)
Anyway, the thing is, i cant stop looking for this woman online and on facebook etc. I know her real name and her user name on the chat room they used, but there are so many same names on facebook, that i really wouldnt know where to start. i know she lived across the water from us, so no way of meeting up, and that ties up with the times he was online etc. But i still cant stop myself, 6 mths on i type her name into google and look for her! When will it end, does this ever get better ...
i guess there is this one woman that really bothers me. her real name is R****. I always wanted to name one of my girls R****. Since I was little I had a neighbor named that and I loved it. I always asked to name my dds this and he always laughed and said it sounded "sexy". We never named any of them this we picked names he liked. Anyway, he has known R**** for the whole marriage of 16 years but I gather has only recently in the last year started calling her. there were 169 text messages to R**** last billing cycle. Thats not normal right? Thats an affair right? I don't think he ever shared any sexual pictures with her but what he shared was intimacy. He tells her stuff he can't say to me I guess. A month ago he was chatting with her and said to her "I should have married you". I found out and he said ohhh it was just a joke! Then one time last month I had to go to the hospital for an allergic reaction and almost stopped breathing. I was sick. We had sex the night before. But that night, he chatted with R**** and he told he he was so deprived and hadn't has sex in DAYS and was so horny. In this same conversation he said, "my wife doesn't understand me. She only semi-understands his problems...unlike you R****...you understand me and get me". According to him he has talked to her husband and they are "friends" too. I want to write thng an intimate momente husband but apparently according to him the husband is "OK" with their relationship and everything is fine...because its not an "affair".
Another time, my husband and I were planning an intimate moment in the spring. But he went to the bathroom and his phone rang. I saw it and there was a text and he had written previously to this number in another state "hey hot stuff". This was at 3am. Again he said it was a joke. Why would you text another woman "hey hot stuff" at 3 am? Thats NOT a joke.
Then on Valentine's Day, he promised me he would make it up to me--no more other women. He went out to get me chocolates but left his previous chat up with SexyGurl13. I flipped out and cried., I refused to eat his chocolates I gave all of them to kids. He insists he did nothing wrong. But to me talking to sexygurl113 on Valentine's day is wrong enough.
Sorry for the ramble...I have more stories but I will stop. i am so hurt but i keep wavering...was it really an affair???? Certainly he lied and hide things...thats reason enough to be upset.
but i know I shouldn't look anyway...You see its the looking things up that is destroying me. I have WASTED so many hours when I could have been cleaning or playing with the kids just trying to crack his passwords or look up his history etc. Its taken over my life.
Its been 5 years and we have worked through all it and have come out better and stronger. But over the last 5 years I have cyberstalked that woman like no one business. Its our morbid curiosity of wondering what was so special about her that he would lie and sneak every single day. I will tell you that everyone once in a while I still look her up to make sure she still a thousand miles away. For me its a defense mechanism that I have to remember the events so that I don't let my guard down again. I a still working on that but its a process.
My gut said something was up. I asked him to stop talking to her and to try to put himself in my shoes. If there was a guy talking and flirting with me, it would go over like a ton of brinks.
I thought he stopped but nope, used his work email that I didn't have access to. He created accounts on Microsoft chat and yahoo. This was in March of 2008 and after DDay (September 2008)and looking at the phone records that was in March when they started texting and then talking. He even was in contact with her on our 10 year anniversary trip. REALLY?!
He talked to her every morning on his way to work. They chatted all day. Called her on his way home. They were in constant contact. IMing and texting at night, while were watching our son play soccer. Once I had a sore back and went to get a massage...the phone records showed that I had not been out of the house for 5 minutes and he called her.
It was hard because I felt like he cheated and he kept saying it was just talk. Their conversation were never about sex just everyday things. She confirmed this.
She was 1,000 a way so no meeting up.
It was like I had to argue my case that it was an affair. I felt like it was huge and all consuming one moment and then the next beat myself up for over-reacting over just talking.
I think I started to heal when he FINALLY used the word affair and when the marriage counselor called it an emotional affair. He would tell me that she meant nothing to him and he was never talking to her again. Which she confirmed. But then I had a hard time with the amount of time and effort it took to hide this from me...and she meant nothing? I mean how low on the totem pole do I have to be that he knows its wrong - thus hiding it. And swears that he never trusted what she said or had thoughts that she could be a 400lbs woman (who sent pic of a skinny chick).
It was a catch 22, like whew he doesn't have feeling for but then why hurt me like this for someone you feel nothing for.
FYI - I got up the nerve to IM her last year. I had to know that their stories matched up or I knew I would never get past this.
But its a hard thing to come to grips with. I felt like she was able to reach him anytime anywhere and I couldn't stop it.
I obsessed over this woman. I couldn't eat and couldn't sleep. I had panic attacks daily. Also, a really good piece of advise I got from a counselor was when my mind would play out scenarios. She told me to look at the clock and say ok...I am going to allow myself to think whatever horrible hurtful thing I wanted for 5 minutes and then nothing for the rest of the hour. It helped because I was able to decrease the time and start to feel that I could control my thoughts.
I was lucky, my husband became an open book. He changed and although it took what seemed like forever to call it an affair, he knew how much he had hurt me and was truly remorseful and knew that it would take a long time to build my trust again.
I feel that now I am able to put it behind me. I feel that I am able to trust him with my heart again. He makes every effort to make me and my feelings a top priority. I am glad that I stuck it out. It was HELL and felt like I was losing my mind at times but I survived.
Welcome to all of our new members!
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Let me just add Craig's List to the list. My WH started with looking at porn and then 'just chatting.' I now know for a fact that it escalated into RL encounters. I'm not sure how common that is. I really wish I had recognized how damaging the 'only talking' was before it got worse.
Obviously he isn't happy with our relationship or he wouldn't need to do this.
Stace, I don't think this is true. He isn't happy with something within himself and that is why he does this. It has nothing to do with you. Do not let him put any blame on you.
The article at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/internet.asp has been very helpful for me to start understanding the addictive nature of these online affairs. It's a fantasyland and your WH sounds like he's deep in the fog of his fantasy.
Since you said it's going to take some time to make arrangements to leave, go ahead and start your preparations. You can change your mind at any point, but at least you'll give yourself the option to leave if you want. But take as much time deciding what you want to do as you want.
So yes, I can relate to many people on here. I have no idea what to do anymore. I am so torn between wanting to leave him (what I told him before this affair that I would do if he ever did it again) and wanting to stay. I see the person he can be and how great our marriage could be if he didn't do these things. I told him that he needs to fix him before we can fix us. He is also on this site and is trying (what scares me is for how long is he going to try).
His line was to tell them he was a widower, though would not tell me what I died of, which I found interesting. When he finally landed an OW, he claims, "it/you doesn't/don't come up". I don't tend to believe this, because she had too much info. about me.
Porn was a big part of things that Happy Pants hid from me from the start, when we were still kids and began making decisions that would control our fate. According to counselors, he had the mother/Madonna complex about me so they think he couldn't relate me to what he saw on the sites, but when he got stressed, it was his vice.
It is believed by his own words that OW will allow an "open relationship", which I've been counseled is a way to try to "keep him" for her.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge