Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
motwobb1
♀ New Member
Member # 38903
Sad  Posted: 5:14 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling...

I found out back in Summer 2010 that my husband was participating on dating sites.

And then I found out back in March that he had continued after I thought he had stopped..

Come to find out it has basically been going on the whole time we have been together (together 9 years married for 4 a son thats 3 and a daughter that will be one in Dec.)

I go through days/weeks being ok then I will have dreams of him doing stuff, whether he cheats right in front of me with someone in the dream or I see pictures from the spy ware that I used to confront him.

I was reading some of the posts on here and it seems there's no set time where all the pain will be gone but I hate the ups and downs...

I just want to move forward but my dreams keep me stuck.

Sorry for the rambles I just don't know where else to turn. As far as I know he isn't doing anything any more. Constantly checking phone, computer etc.

How do I let it go??


Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2013
NoAnswers37
♀ Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi MW1,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please come back here as much as you need to speak to people. I may not be able to offer the best advice as my DDay was only a few weeks ago, but that is when I found out my XBF of a year (who was moving in and I was going to marry) had been on sites and emailing random women throughout our whole relationship. The pain is still incredibly fresh for me, so I really feel for you.

Everyone is in a different situation, but I suppose what you have to think is if you can live with this. I knew I couldn't and it broke my heart, but I could not see a life for me constantly worrying and checking. My XBF came across as the LAST PERSON in the world to do this, so I understand your shock.

You may need to find out a bit more about WHY he is doing it. Whatever he says, this is NOTHING to do with you and your relationship.

But if he is doing it after he said he would stop then I suspect he is either dealing with an addiction and some very deep rooted insecurity issues. Again, nothing to do with you at all.

Re the pain going away... well I am still in its depths, so I cannot offer much on that, but if you are going around in a circle and nothing is changing then I don't think it will ever fully go away. Something needs to change - your dreams are telling you that.

Sending hugs xx


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
Tawnie
♀ New Member
Member # 40886
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a member of this club in every way shape and form. My husband has done it all. Porn. Online A, which carried over to phone calls, gifts. They never met because of all the miles, but I believe if I hadn't found out she would have came here. They talked about it onling on twitter, before I ever knew what twitter was! He had profiles on over a dozen dating sites.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Iowa
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This my first post after going on this site for more than 3 weeks. I am 5 months post d day and still having terrible trigger days and rampant thoughts. I have had 3 very bad outbursts and each time he keeps saying why can't we just leave it alone ? And that " he" can't take any more of these marathon fighting sessions about his "mistake". Which included being on two dating sites for the first year we were exclusively dating and living together for 5 months. Then I find out in an e mail that he met up with a woman that he had been having an emotional affair with for the entire 1 1/2 years we have been together. He feels he did nothing wrong as they did not have sex. He made this date with her on a trip out if town 3 months after I confronted him for being on Match and Senior People Meet. A mistake he calls it !!!!! Now I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Should have left on d day.....


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tawnie can you tell me how you found out all of the sites that he was on?


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also want to put out there my question. Is it an EA if she didn't know about me and as well in any of the contact that I have , he never talked about our relationship. Which by the way was awesome. Never even a bit did I think he was spending time on line with anybody. Very attentive. Loving. Flowers every week. Texting me all the time with nice things to say. If she didn't know I existed this sounds to me like not an EA but an on line affair no doubt. I think he enjoyed the anonymity and the attention. Any thoughts ?


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
Heartbroken2013
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H didn't tell the OW about me either, he told her that he was 20 years younger (she was the same age as me so she thought she was talking to a man 20 years younger) he told her he was single student living with 3 other guys .... so the silly woman who stripped naked on the webcam and made herself cum in front of my H, was lied to aswell ... she thought she was getting off for a 24 yr old!!!

Im glad she was lied to too.... makes me feel so much better, and also when I confronted her an told her I knew about her and him, she deleated her contact details, her email etc but at least she also knows she was lied to ... im so glad he didn't tell her about me and our family life


Me 45
WH 45
4 kids aged 3 - 25 (2 x adopted in 2013)
Together 15 years
Married 8 years
WH had online cybersex with various sluts!
DD = Nov 23rd 12
In 'R' and getting to a place we never been before

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it does make it a bit easier knowing that he didn't share about our lives. I still can't stop the movies about what they may have done, discussed whatever since he is not willing to discuss it now that we have " moved past his mistake". I do know from the chat that I found that they did plan on meeting on his business trip. He did say that he was not promising anything when they meet and that they would just have dinner and drinks. I know for sure that that happened because in the e mail that she sent to him a week later she said she wished she could have "said and done more but just wasn't the right time". He didn't respond to her for the two weeks after he came home. I'm so glad that the bubble burst, she was nothing that he "imagined" and that's why he cut it off so easily with her. My worry and I obsess about it-what would have happened had they had that magic connection? The stuff that my nightmares are made of.......


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
Heartbroken2013
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im glad the OW lived in another country (the U.S) we are from the UK so I KNOW they would never have met, and if u read my profile you will understand why my H would never have met up with her face to face.

it does hurt the things they talked about, the type of sex he wanted .... but he has told me that it wasn't that he wanted that type of sex with 'her' it was the fact that he just wanted that type of sex ... (please read my profile)

we are 11 mths after DDay and I STILL hurt, only today we talked and talked about things again, I just keep talking cos it makes me feel better, and knowing he is willing to tell me everything ... and I mean 'everything' then I feel im getting somewhere with him ... why is your H so unwilling to talk??? He has to understand u need to know some things, (altho some things are better left alone,) I even know the positions she did to make herself cum!!)


Me 45
WH 45
4 kids aged 3 - 25 (2 x adopted in 2013)
Together 15 years
Married 8 years
WH had online cybersex with various sluts!
DD = Nov 23rd 12
In 'R' and getting to a place we never been before

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
motwobb1
♀ New Member
Member # 38903
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gumdropped-

I found out the sites by getting into his e-mail and seeing the e-mail updates of who was liking him/interested etc. Also, you can download a spyware on your computer. That's how I caught him on DD #3..


Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2013
motwobb1
♀ New Member
Member # 38903
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No Answers-
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this group too. It's hard to find out the why because he will talk to me about stuff but I can't seem to wrap my head around anything. He has given me a FDL and has talked with me anytime I wanted to. However, I just can't comprehend. I don't know if my brain is blocking stuff or I was so naive thinking our marriage was perfect...WRONG!

Thank you all for sharing and letting me know I'm not alone.

**Hugs to all**


Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2013
mingliki
♀ New Member
Member # 40986
Frustrated  Posted: 3:53 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

4 years ago I found my husbands online cheating, confronted it and was told he was lonely, the passion was gone, I ignored him. Well, I too was lonely, passion goes both ways, and he ignored me. So... where are my dating sites? They don't exist. Sorry for the rant,we have been working through it but once in a while the scab is ripped right off. Needless to say, no sign of this going on which is good but it still hurts!

Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Motwobb1 I am so sorry that you had 3 D days! I thought that after I found him still on Match in January and Seniorpeoplemeet in February (and left him for a week over that) that he would have known not to jeopardize our relationship again ... Wrong..... And lately I have been good at being wrong :( when do we decide that enough is enough?


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
motwobb1
♀ New Member
Member # 38903
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mingliki- The scab being ripped off again and again is what makes the online cheating the worse, I think. It's very difficult to monitor/catch them. I feel like I have good days where I barely think about it, and then others it's all I think about. One reason why I love this site. There's so much support and great advice!

Gumdropped- When do we decide enough is enough? This is hard to answer. I've told my H that if we didn't have the kids I would of been gone the first DD. But looking at my 3 yo and almost 1 yo it's difficult to break up their home/family. Knowing this I believe that he has given it up and isn't doing it anymore. However, he knows that if it happens again, that that's the final nail for me. Or at least that's what I hope, I could at that point walk away.

Some days I struggle because if I really only stayed because of the kids, is that fair to any of us?


Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2013
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just putting it out there-no evidence of any chats texts e mails etc but today found 15 or so e mails in his spam folder. All to do with getting bigger erections....and other stuff like that. I was away for two days overnight. So my question is if those e mails came to his account would he not have had to gone on to some site that has his e mail address? Can somebody help me figure that out? Should have put the key logger on before I left! Any body had good results with E Blaster?...


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
mingliki
♀ New Member
Member # 40986
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mottwob, yes it is hard to catch them. I only found out because he accidently left his email open and when I went online there it was. Sadly, our then 12 year old was standing right behind me and saw everything! I did decide to stay and it took its toll on her because she could not understand why? Fast forward 4 years and insofar I have not seen any indication that he has done anything more. But, sometimes something will come up that reminds me and here we go again, its my own feelings that surface. Thankfully he has been supportive and is willing to talk things through with me when it happens. I just wonder when it will completely go away? If ever? Daughter asked me a few months ago what prompted me to stay, she admitted she was very angry at me for not kicking him to the curb, even though she is a daddy's girl. I just told her that sometimes, things are worth fighting for.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
mingliki
♀ New Member
Member # 40986
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gumdropped, it could be honest innocent spam. I've been getting those emails for years.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mingling thank you:). It's just that there was not so much spam for the past few weeks and then when I go away there is a glut of it....


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
breakingpoint
♀ Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What constitutes online cheating? Or does it depend on the "rules" for each couple?

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
mingliki
♀ New Member
Member # 40986
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breakingpoint, I think each couple has their own rules. When I caught him, I heard so many exclaim that this behavior is permissible in their relationships. I can't get my mind around that. Personally for me, if your
're online making suggestive comments regardless to who, that's cheating.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 793
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.