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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huge blow up again last night. This was the first time I ever cried in front of him and I mean literally sobbed for almost 2 hours. He held me and didn't threaten to leave this time. Like I said in my last post a glimmer of hope. He also said that he is not going to loose me so I am hoping that means that he will stay no matter how I process what he has done. He keeps saying that the online affairs meant nothing to him. I said they certainly meant a lot to me I cried over the time and effort he gave those two people.


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He keeps saying that the online affairs meant nothing to him. I said they certainly meant a lot to me I cried over the time and effort he gave those two people.

My WW has tried that line a couple times. I think, at least in the moment, she believes it when she says it. I don't let her get away with it, though. I've read the texts, and IMs, and other online conversations she had with the OM and know better.

Personally, I don't think we can move past the A if she tries to pretend it was "temporary insanity" or "didn't mean anything." On the one hand, I've told her, that says you were willing to throw away 15 years of marriage on something that didn't mean anything. On the other, we'll never get beyond the A if she keeps hiding from a part of herself and pretending that it doesn't influence her.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Ascian I agree. I think that he means that it meant nothing to him because he is trying to say that I mean more. That certainly is a screwed up way to rationalize it for sure. He did admit that he was using it as a safety net of sorts - he doesn't want to be alone..... funny - if you cheat that should be one of the considersations if you get caught.... me thinks that he really does need IC to get these issues dealt with. He doesnt want to go to IC but says he would go to MC as he doesn't want me interogating him about his sessions - he wants me to be there to hear his words.


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This group is right in my kitchen. Come on in, would anyone like some coffee or tea? Italian espresso? Cappuccino? I'm an amateur barista. :)

My WH has been having OAs since we got internet. Literally. Every time I discovered what he was doing, the accounts were closed... blah...blah....blah

I was never sure what to do, I believed him when he told me it was no big deal and that they would never turn into something physical. He just liked to sex chat. Can you believe I was flattered when he told me I was the only one he wanted to be with "in real life" ??!!

Well, now he's telling me a couple of them did turn physical. I am frankly a lot less flattered, and a lot more disturbed with the way he ended at least one of his almost year-long OAs, dumping her cold.

So, now I am trying to figure out when enough is enough. He doesn't even know how to have a real relationship anymore. Trying to talk with him in person is like talking to a child sometimes. His life became nothing but work and his online relationships and maintaining appearances. He hasn't been engaged as a husband or as a father for a long time.

(((gumdropped))) You said it very well when you said

they certainly meant a lot to me I cried over the time and effort he gave those two people.
Your time and energy is important. Thank you for the reminder.

[This message edited by Quakingaspen at 10:03 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]


"You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. Don't come back for me. Who do you think you are?"

WS (him)-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many to count. LAST time: 16 October 2013.
Separating on the road to brighter things.


Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been on here since September and I don't know how to put pieces of other peoples posts in my posts - in those boxes - can you help?


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure, Gumdropped. When you're replying to the thread look to the left of the box that you type in. There should be three buttons there "bold" "italic" and "quote". Copy and paste the text you want to en-box-ify into the reply box. Highlight the text you just pasted, then hit the "quote" button.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you're replying to the thread look to the left of the box that you type in. There should be three buttons there "bold" "italic" and "quote". Copy and paste the text you want to en-box-ify into the reply box. Highlight the text you just pasted, then hit the "quote" button.
Thanks for the help with this hope it works!


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, worked perfectly.

I guess one "positive" about having a partner get involved with a wholly- or partially online affair is that it motivates us BSes to become more tech savvy


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not tried to go back through this thread. I'll do that as time allows. I posted my D-Day stuff in reconciliation and it was all about my wife's online emotional affair.

I am tired of hearing things like at least it wasn't physical or I never intended to meet anyone (she did not meet anyone) as if that makes it less painful.

I obtained thousands of lines of her sex chat (she wasn't very good at hiding things) and it was the most hurtful thing I have ever read...


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
Soupinella
♀ New Member
Member # 41419
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this forum but 9 months out from discovering my husbands(of 30 years) 2 year online affair. I thought my whole world was crashing down. I never, ever thought I would go through something like this. Though we are reconciling, I still have dark days when the thought of him doing this just brings me to my knees. Our relationship is continuing to heal and we have truly grown closer and more appreciative(I couldn't bare to loose him!) of each other but the hurt just won't go away. We carry on but I cannot, as yet, bring myself to forgive him. Our 31st wedding anniversary is coming up on the 28th and I know it will be hard for me as on our 30th, he was carrying on with his cyber-slut. During that period he walked our daughter down the isle on her wedding day and I am shattered at the thought of what he was dong during that special time for our family. How do I forgive that? Will this hurt and pain EVER go away. It helps to read your stories, so thank you for sharing what you have gone through. There's so much more to my story but I've said enough for now.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to admit that sometimes just reading these posts makes me trigger. But the good far out ways the bad on this site :). It has been very helpful to me in my hopeful recovery. The loss of time that we thought our spouses were fully engaged hurts so much. I continue to look back at days, times, events and know that we were not the only two people in the relationship. I assume 100's of texts, chats, e mails as the ones I found basically confirm this. Closing off their chats with "talk to you tomorrow" pretty much cements the fact that the EA that they were having consumed a lot of his time. Time that I arm forever robbed of. Right now I am triggering very badly as a Christmas party that I hold for clients is coming up and a chat I have from last year had him telling her about going to it....but conveniently not telling her it was his live in girlfriends event!!!!! He continues to say that she knew about me but that was not the case.
And we aren't talking one EA here there were at least two that I found but she was his favourite. I try every day to get a grip but it has such a grip on me........


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to work up the courage to call the spouse of the WH who was sex chatting with my WW. I feel like BW has a right to know, but I also worry that this might bring this guy into my wife's and my life.

My wife tried to do her sexting anonymously,but she was terrible at it. One of the men she was chatting with, let's call him Sex Mentor, had to know her real life name. I mean my wife used part of her company's name in her sex email address, told him the town she lived in and told him her job (ESL tutor). After reading that (I have all of the chats of this guy), I spent 30 seconds with google, logged into the company website and searched ESL tutor and her city and my wife was the number one hit. My wife also only changed a single letter in her name for her sexting account. Great. The guy even said he knew her business name and said it in chat and my wife was appalled but it didn't phase her. She didn't stop. The guy also told her it was fun to identify his sexting partners and said he knew 3 of the 5 of them (one was almost certainly my wife).

Anyway, the main email partner and main focus of my wifes EA I call Vermont Guy. He is supposed to be married to a woman who suffers from depression according to Vermont Guy's emails with my wife. I know how to contact this woman, the question is,

Is it right to tell a potentially mentally ill person her husband is cheating?

I know my wife is not his only sex email companion as my wife told me Vermont Guy mentioned doing this before. My wife has NC (yes I monitor this) and my wife in one last allowed email told him I knew about the affair and that she was ending it and cancelling her sex email accounts and asked him not to contact her. He may know my wife's real life name and contact info as my wife was terrible at hiding her information (see above). He has not attempted to contact her.

The next question is, "Do I want to risk him contacting my wife (I assume the probability is high he knows her real name and contact information) in response to me telling his wife about their affair?

Please help me answer these questions.

[This message edited by bobf at 7:25 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the posts that I have read here pretty much every BS says to inform the other BS. I would have to agree but have nothing to give as far as that kind of advice. My WS OW (the favourite) wasn't married or in a relationship so I had no one to tell. But I will say this, I wouldn't have hesitated for a minute because outing the affair EA PA or otherwise takes away the secrecy and that is the sword that hurts us all so much. Secrets, lies, omission of information, definitely the termites that eat at our beliefs of our relationship.


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
Shattered-Heart
♀ Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to go back and read all the pages later, but I'll take that coffee and have a seat, as I'm firmly in this area.
One irl but using a hell of a lot of online for contact (as well as phone and Skype video of course), and one started with FB and progressed - EA, PA, LTA, and she turned psycho stalker.
I'm a firm believer that it'll progress if given time. Unfortunately, it's impossible to avoid computers with his work and the ability to connect while traveling as well as at home is always there. Lovely to think about while he's gone for months at a time!


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
sideblinded
♀ Member
Member # 41475
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still in the information-gathering stage of what I know is, at best, a long term on-line porn habit, and at worst, a long-time string of ONS's (at home and abroad) made through online hook up sites. When I confronted my H a couple of weeks ago when I thought he was "just looking" at porn sites he said, "I was lonely" and at one point said he was looking for "intimacy."

That brief conversation has been rattling around in my head ever since. In 21 years of marriage I've never heard this man utter either of those two words. Never. Granted, he is pretty passive/aggressive, emotionally unavailable, and mostly uncommunicative about anything that really matters. But I was blown away by his usage of the word "intimacy." Am I to believe he is actually finding intimacy looking at online porn sites? How can that be? Has anyone else's cybercheater heard anything like this? I'm wondering if he was secretly justifying hooking up (finding intimacy that way) and I didn't even realize it.

I'm confounded by it all.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 51, possible SA.
3 kids, 19, 17, 15
M 21 yrs.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
saraism
♀ New Member
Member # 41512
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wasfooled2 I can woo relate to this. I have been finding so called harmless dating profiles and signs of cyber cheating for years. When confronting my partner I repeatedly begged him to stay off these sites as it was only a matter of time before he slipped down the slippery slope. Now its too late - he has had several affairs with women he met online. Now he says he is remorseful but he wouldnt listen to a word I said when I tried to prevent this from happening,

Posts: 3 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: MN
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO is working very hard at R. Doing all the right things. I have no point if reference to other behaviour because the whole 15 months that he was in at least 2 EA's he was the PERFECT AND I MEAN PERFECT partner. Whenever we revisit the issues it gets easier and more civilized conversation takes place so he doesn't avoid it like he used to. My concern is that he has made no attempt to get IC. He did say that he wanted MC because I wouldn't believe him when he tells me about his IC but really? I didn't think we had any relationship issues, neither did he. He chose to have those EA's so why should I even attempt MC until he finds out why he did those things in the first place ? Frustrating!!!!! I am about to insist he get IC or I am thru with R.


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone have any recommendations for books on Cyber/online affairs? For either WS's or BS's? Thanks!

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 9:07 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
silentscream13
♀ Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone have any recommendations for books on Cyber/online affairs? For either WS's or BS's? Thanks!

I second what kmom2662 asked! I am finding a bunch of books on workplace affairs, "friend" affairs, LTA, etc., but none on online affairs.


ME: BS- 39; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: Almost 18 years; Married: Almost 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 189 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: USA
MrKabosh
♂ New Member
Member # 41559
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am discovering little white lies from my WW , one that has upset is she said she used BBM for her texting with OM but said she deleted the APP.
Not true, I looked at her phone and it is still there. Also I see APP's like viber and some others. My question is are these to keep things secret, or is there a valid reason to use them ? I know her phone is unlimited calling and data so I don't see a need for them.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Dallas Texas
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