I feel for all of you. I have no idea how to handle this but have been living with it for a long time.
WH lost his parents 4 years ago just a few months apart. He started getting distant and I believed it was that. I tried to give him all the love and support that he needed. 8 months later, he had a little episode of ED which it turns out was a big time guilt from having a sexting affair on line. I tried to get him to stop, but it continued on for a year until she got pushy about moving to where we live (she lived 2 states away) and the 2 of them moving in together. He doesn't see it as an affair as it was never physical. When I confronted early on just after the ED issue, I was told his sex life was none of my business and he is just doing it for fun. That was the only time he had ED, so I guess he doesn't feel guilty any more, but he doesn't make love anymore either, just has sex as often as I will let him.
Since then, another 2+ years, he has had numerous more contacts on line (I put a keylogger on so I can keep track of him) exchanging pictures, sex stories, compliments etc. He tells these women how awesome, beautiful, pretty etc that they are. Me, I was told years ago that he doesn't give compliments, when I found out about one of these, I was told that there was nothing about me worth a compliment. I don't confront as I want to know what he is doing. Last summer, he was in contact with a local woman who wanted to meet up. He did tell her "had an issue last time and not sure I want to go there again". This makes me acutely aware that I need to keep following him. He also deletes all evidence from the computer so as to keep me from knowing.
The situation has degenerated into him looking at them whenever I am not in the room, looking and talking to them for 2 hours after he gets home from p.m. shift and coming to bed wanting a quickie, and generally filling his life with them. When it comes to me, he doesn't look at my nude body and doesn't do foreplay, but wants sex and me to do oral on him all the time.
Other than the problem with our sex life, he is an okay husband, helping me when I am sick, being there for me when I need him etc. I just can not get him to give me what I need and want pertaining to sex, because he has given it all to other women. I even feel terrible about myself because I constantly am thinking about how he will look at any type of women (old, young, big, small and everything in between) but not me and how hideous that makes me feel about my body. It is difficult to remind myself that it is him and not me.
At my age, and just a couple years from retirement, it feels hopeless as I can't see being able to live on what I would get from a divorce.