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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inch, I can't thank you enough for sharing your feelings and experiences about this. I appreciate it so much.

So many people think online cheating isn't cheating because the OP isn't "real." There may not have been actual physical contact. But the emotional connection, the obsession, the deception...it's all painful regardless of the lack of actual sex. It's still pulling your energy from your marriage and giving it to your OP. It's still giving more of yourself to your OP than your spouse. It's still wrong.

In my heart, I will always consider it cheating. I can't help it. His serious emotional connection to this latest woman (and flirting with countless other women) ripped my soul out.

Ho hum. I'm sad again.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Inchoate
♀ Member
Member # 9065
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't be sad, sweetie! YOU WILL BE FINE. While I hope you and your H can repair your M, YOU are taking care of YOU, whatever else happens.

I was going to say, and I'm not sure I'm going to manage it well, that I think cyber-cheating is kind of the gold standard of cheating. In no other form do we see the core of cheating--all cheating--for what it is:

An artificial fantasy world, created, controlled and nurtured by a person with huge emotional defects, ostensibly for their satisfaction but ultimately to their detriment and the detriment of those who truly matter.


Former Wayward Ninja, recovered
"The shadows tell us where the light is" (my DD@3)
"Growing up is hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it." (Agliarept)

Posts: 5057 | Registered: Dec 2005
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, you sure said that well. My thoughts exactly.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very accurate description, Inchoate. It's true that the lying is the core of adultery, not the physical aspect of it. It's still a betrayal.

I remember sitting at the computer chatting with OM wondering what he looked like at that moment, what he was doing, etc, and in the back of my mind I knew that it was all fake but I silenced that voice of reason. Bleh.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen, was your H home when you would talk to the OM?


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not only was he home, he was often sitting at his desk next to mine, on his own computer. I also would talk to OP when H wasn't home. Those were the "private moments."


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
iwantmyfamilybac
♂ Member
Member # 14191
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inchoate, your posts on this issue really hit home. And, thank you for all of your help over the last few weeks, too. It means a lot.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Apr 2007
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you stay strictly online or did it progress to phone calls?


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
whatwentwrong
♀ New Member
Member # 8806
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, can I ever relate to this thread. My husband of 20 years I discovered by accident (just went by his lap top one day and saw a profile from AFF up) was very into the on-line/chat world for approx 5 years. He was a member of AFF (and other chat sites) and met at least 10 women over the years for sex. Which is what he claims it was only about. Sex

My husband travelled 4 days a week - and all of this apparently started during that period. He lined people up in advance of whatever location he would be at - just for that one night stand. (The number of men/women available for this type of relationship floors me)

While I searched his computer for more information on what he as doing - I discovered unbelievably graphic IM and e-mails to - (I do not kid) 100s of women or men/women couples. I found videos of him jacking off - pictures of him nude.

What shocks me more than anything - is that he was the most straightlaced person I have ever known. Friends call him Pastor. He was so honest and respectful - and I know that all of you feel this way - but I would have never believed he was capable of these things. Even now, knowing the things I do, I find it hard to believe.

The other thing that hurts unbelievably - was that it WAS done while I was in the room, sitting next to him, not just when he was out of town.

He has been going to counseling for about a year -and I do think it is helping him - he is trying to figure out why he chose this world rather than chosing to communicate with those close to him. I think I want to try to reconcile - we have to daughters and I want to try to see if its possible to not upset their lives.

He had lost his job and then took this traveling job and its like he just cracked.

The problem - am I being terribly naive? I just can't believe that somehow I am not responsbile for this behavior. That I should have known about all of this. And that it will all happen again the next time his ego takes a major blow. My self esteem is at an unbelievable low.

What is it that makes someone turn to the IM/Chat environment to connect and become so intimately involved with total strangers? He actually seemed to have two lives. And to believe that there is nothing wrong. To be able to compartmentalize this behavior.

I ramble - I'm sorry. Am interested in anyone's opinions. Thanks for listening.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2005
PleaseNotAgain
♀ New Member
Member # 14408
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1st post here; I wish I had found this board years ago. Cyber affairs have been a huge problem in my life.

I got married in 2000 to my now ex-husband. Before we had gotten married he had a PA with a very good friend of mine (he was off with her while I was at home planning her bachelorette party, nice) but after a few months apart we got past it and got married a few years later. In February of 2002 I came home early one day and got the mail (he usually got home before me) and opened the phone bill. I saw at least two pages worth of 800 numbers. No charge for them so thinking that we were still getting 'billed' for phone internet I called one of the numbers. I was greeted with the answering machine for 'Backdoor to the Manhole'. It was a gay phone sex line where they work it so it's charged directly to your credit card rather than the phone bill.

Of course I was crushed. I am not bi and was not ok that my ex-H was either. But, we went into therapy to try and work things out. We were doing well, or so I thought.

I went away on a business trip in September and when I got home I logged onto my computer. I started to type in a website of a contact I met; the website started with a 'A'. As my Ex wasn't really savy with computers and didn't know to clear the history what site do you think came up? Yep, AFF. He was still logged in too and I got to read his advertisment looking for 'Men, Women and Couples for Discreet relationships' as well as all the email disscussions with the people that responded to these ads.

I ended it that night.

Fast forward to October of last year. I had moved across country after my divorce from my Ex and started over. I met a wonderful man and was scheduled to marry him in November. Life was great. I went into his office while he was in the bathroom to get an envelope to mail something. He practically errupted from the bathroom when he realized that I was in his room and stood in front of the computer screen and started talking very fast.

Of course, my warning bells went off. After some arguing he showed me that he was indeed cybering with someone. What made it worse is that he was pretending to be the woman.

I lost my mind. I was set to marry this man in just over 2 weeks. He knew all about what happened with my first husband and how much this sort of thing would bother me. He told me that because of a former sexually abusive relationship where his GF would withold sex from him for various reasons he would get online and use this as a way to feel powerful. He said that he was in no way attracted to men nor was he emotionally involved with anyone but me.

We worked it out with therapy and counceling and anti-depressants. He had been feeling very stressed, depressed and did this to decompress. The time right before the wedding was indeed hellish; we were so strapped for cash, trying to do a million things and having quite a big problem with my family. I did end up marrying him and so far we've been ok. He has a *very* high sex drive; I cannot keep up with him. I always am afraid though if I say 'no' that he will go on the computer and that makes me even less interested in saying 'yes' if you know what I mean. We have had some 'bumps' post marriage where I got upset due to him speaking with women he works with or goes to school with but he was always quick to show me their conversations. He works mostly with women and has to be availible via phone and IM due to the nature of his job. But still.

I still get uncomfortable when he is in his office on the computer. He leaves the door open now but when I go in there and if I sense even the slightest uncomfortableness I freak out.

I don't know if I will ever be able to trust anyone on the computer; I have no reason to. I just don't know how I can be sure he's not doing it anymore. I thought about the keylogger thing but he is a techie type guy and most likely would know if there was something new on his computer.

Urgh.

[This message edited by PleaseNotAgain at 2:02 PM, April 27th (Friday)]


Please... not again...

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2007
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 28th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((pleasenotagain))))

What a nightmare!

It is devastating enough to be married once to an online addict, but to go through it with another man...omg!

Keep posting, here and in JFO or General!

Your feelings of discomfort are to be expected in light of what has happened to you!

Is your current husband working hard to be an open book for you? If he is, then installing a keylogger would not be a problem for him, since it would make you more comfortable, unless of course he is able to hack it and keep information from you.

It has taken a long time for me to be comfortable with my husband being on the computer. I still verify that he isn't doing anything underhanded.

I am bumping this for you to get more support, but wanted you to know this is a very good place to land for help.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Trezise
♀ Member
Member # 14341
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, April 29th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I guess this is a place for me too.

Ever since I've known WH he has been good friends with an ex of his. I've often felt uncomfortable and excluded by their friendship, but I could never seem to get the message across to WH.

Last year we emmigrated, and I thought the distance (12,000 miles! ) might create some distance emotionally between them.

Six weeks ago I found out he had been emailing/texting/IM her and her sister telling them that he wanted to get back together with her, and it was just a matter of sorting the lease on the house out here, saving money etc, and he would be back in the UK and they would be together and it would all be perfect......

I don't know if he was serious about it. He is homesick and lonely and depressed, and that is what drove his behaviour.

He committed to NC when we decided to start trying again, but I know he is still texting her at least. What's to say he isn't still emailing, just on a different account? It could just have been driven further underground now.

Someone (I think it was kwash) said that they have to keep reminding themselves how bad it was - I feel like that. I mean, he's still here, nothing physical happened. Why am I this upset? I have to sit and run those emails through my head to make it clear why things can't just go back to normal straight away. I do this to make sure I stay strong in asking for what I need from him.

I'm just waffling now. It is still so raw and incomprehensible, I still feel like I'm walking around in the dark.


Me: 32
WH: 35, going through early mid life crisis
OW: ex girlfriend who can't seem to let go

Multiple D/days
10/09/07 - he's back, doesn't know what he wants, agreed to D
01/10/07 - returned to the UK, told me he loves me
And now???


Posts: 660 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Australia
PleaseNotAgain
♀ New Member
Member # 14408
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, April 29th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((unarmbears))))

Thank you. :) Yes, my current husband is working very hard to try and make me comfortable again. He's in the living room with me now on his laptop rather than in his office like he used to be.

We've decided to try and channel his attentions away from his computer; he just got a motorcycle and pretty much all he does online now is look at motorcycle gear for the both of us. Hopefully that trend will continue.

I still get scared alot and think t myself that I am just an idiot for staying and it will eventually happen again and I will be hurt even more. I don't know what I would do!


Please... not again...

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2007
decievedone
♀ Member
Member # 14034
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wasfooled said..."So many people think online cheating isn't cheating because the OP isn't "real." There may not have been actual physical contact. But the emotional connection, the obsession, the deception...it's all painful regardless of the lack of actual sex. It's still pulling your energy from your marriage and giving it to your OP. It's still giving more of yourself to your OP than your spouse. It's still wrong.

In my heart, I will always consider it cheating. I can't help it. His serious emotional connection to this latest woman (and flirting with countless other women) ripped my soul out."

I totally agree with you. Whether he was on line with her or across town in bed with someone else makes no difference to me. It was/is still an affair and a betrayal of vows. It IS adultry as far as I am concerned. He would have these chats to the point that he would sit at his computor and actually jack himself off while talking with her and then they would sign off and he would come kiss me good night and tell me he loved me. Not many men that have JUST jacked themselves off with another woman's words as his motivation will be able to then turn around and make love to their wife so Yes he gave HER what should have been MINE. Internet cheating is cheating no matter how you look at it as far as I am concerned.

[This message edited by decievedone at 3:46 AM, April 30th (Monday)]


BS(Me)-57
WS(Him)-48
D-Day 3/15/07
Together 18 years; Married 17

Posts: 68 | Registered: Mar 2007
shamrockdaughter
♀ New Member
Member # 14430
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sure wish i had known about this place a month ago, when i first found out. Could have really used it, i think.
I suppose this is a typical story. We are married 13 years, have had our ups and downs, altho the last few years have been pretty bad. We got into a rut of blame, ignoring each others needs, not being supportive, basically living like combatative room mates. My husband had been telling me for a long time he was unhappy, needed more from the marrige and me. Although i also needed more, i thought we would weather this and things would just go back to normal. Obviously, since I am here, I was wrong.
About a month ago, my husband purposely left the computer on. I got to see in black & white, the full text of his- what do you guys call it? EOA? Emotional Online Affair. I literally thought i would be sick. I felt as if i had been punched in the stomach. Needless to say, I confronted him. He reiterated how he had try to tell me he was unhappy, I relplied how I have been unhappy also, but I did not CHEAT. At first he refused to even admit how what he had done was cheating (altho now he is taking full responsability) There was no physical contact, and he does not think he could have gone thru with it, had the occasion ever arose. (she lives half way across the country) At first he said he was not going to stop talking to her. I told him that was unacceptable, I would not tolerate him keeping a "back up plan" in case we could not work thru this. He balked, at first, but the next day he DID tell her it was over, and cancelled his membership to the chat room, or whatever the hell it was he met her in.
I take full responsabilty for my part in the break down of our marriage. That is not to say i take resposablity for his "affair"!! One thing i am grateful for, as weird as this may sound, it DID make me realize how bad things had gotten. He says that is why he left the computer on...
Things are better here now. He rarely goes on the computer, and that is only for specific info, the news, etc. We are trying to rebuild what we had. As I said, he is finally taking full responsability for what he did, and not blaming me for his actions.
I guess the reason i am here is to ask....how long before i can forget about this? I am doing much better, I no longer feeling like throwing up when I think about it, and I am getting to the point where I can look at him without wanting to rip his heart out. Does one ever really forget and get on wth life? I suppose just the fact that I am here means I am not as "over it" as I would like. Perhaps I am just dwelling on it, and need to concentrate on my marriage, and the fact that I KNOW he really does love me, and I him?
He has made his cell phone available to me (I pay the bills anyway. Would know if there had been any contact.) She did call him about 3 weeks ago. He did not answer, nor did she leave a message, there has been nothing since then. And yes, I was quite pissed, and let him know in no uncertain terms. I told him if she calls again, I would be the one to deal with it.
Anyway, I guess i am just babbling now, sorry... But thanks for just letting me come here and share. I do have people to talk to (including his mother. She wants to kill him! no, he does NOT know that I told her) but with exception of my mil, no one i know has been thru this. So, yes, i can vent and yell and cry to them, but i know that deep down they really don't get it. I guess I just need some feedback from others who feel like they have been put thru the wringer...


bs:46
wh:36
married 13 years
1 child together, 2 from my first marriage.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2007
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wasfooled, I did call the OP a few times, but not often. It was hard for me to get time alone to call. It was mostly online communication via email and IM. Really romantic, huh?


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
shamrockdaughter
♀ New Member
Member # 14430
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In response to what 'WASFOOLED2" said, I need to wholeheartedly agree.(about cyber/internet cheating IS STILL CHEATING) In my case, there was no physical contact, but that doesn't change the fact that he betrayed me, shattered my trust, made me doubt myself and our marriage vows. It took him a few days to finally realize what he had done to me, emotionaly, and physically. Up until that point, he still did not consider himself a cheater. He now does, and understands why what he did was so wrong, on so many levels. He has ended it, and hopefully, some someday, I will be able to trust him as fully as i did before this. Until that day, he has to deal with my snooping, my insecurities, and my lingering doubts. Thankfully, he is finally aware of this, and is trying to make it up to me. I don't forsee any "slip-ups" at this point, as we are both trying to make our marriage work, but it will be some time before i am completely comfortable again. Sometimes I absolutely hate him for this. I hate him for making me feel like i could be so easily replaced by some tramp. (who was also married, by the way. and yes, i know, he was a whore, too) I hate him for making me think an emotional affair was more satisfying than what he had with me. I found out (well, he told me) that she had actually been in our area about 3 weeks before i found out. He did not meet up with her, altho she tried to get him to. This I believe, as he is always at work, or home, there is no "missing" time. So, even while it was going on, he knew it was wrong. (still did not consider it cheating, at that point tho)
Anyway, I just want to say that I believe this is all survivable. It will be tough for a while, but I know, personally, I am not willing to throw away my marriage. If it happens again, well, that will be a different story, with a much different ending.


bs:46
wh:36
married 13 years
1 child together, 2 from my first marriage.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2007
Off-SwitchBroken
♂ New Member
Member # 14293
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im no expert on all this, in fact Im still trying to figure it all out myself,to the end that Im sure positive and certain that I'll never fall into this weakness again....But as someone whos perpetrated two OEA's, one recently, one 4 yrs ago, I agree that the subject deserves a thread of its own like this. Not that Ive ever indulged a PA, but Ive read extensively in here of the feelings and behaviors involved, and while there can be similarities, its largely a completely different thing.

The moods (FLOABWord) overtaking one while just relaxing and chatting online can be extremely powerful. And looking back, it seems to amount to an extreme amount of mutual ego stroking. It just progresses until written lines which wouldnt have been crossed yesterday, seem much easier to cross tomorrow... that is (I think) due to the extreme comfort and familiarity with the OP, and they with you. I cant speak to what makes them actually cross over into RL affairs--phone, meeting up, etc, as mine didnt go that far. However this last was completely different than the first, it was much more "progressive", exchanging of RL info, ages known, etc, with a new "bridge" into the real world utilized this time--- cam and voice clips. But I drew the line there. But if there had been a future
EA I cant say with certainty WHERE it wuddve ended up, as I no longer trust my own motivations and behaviors... at all. (Its moot now--I will never find out at this point, and donít want to.)

>>my husband, unshowered, unshaved, in sweats and a robe was able to attract so many women online. ....I would look at him and think "If only they knew what you looked like while wooing them in those IM boxes.."

I think this is something I need to speak to. I used to believe that too, and can see why'd youd think a person talking to your H would be disillusioned when suddenly faced with his true dishevelled appearance.But over the last few years
Ive come to realize its not true. Perhaps in cases of lying about ones age etc, but generally, personality is the HEART of the online beast. And when the point is reached where images are shown, the mutual posittive reactions just reenforce the affair. Another "line" has been crossed in other words.

>>I did tell him one time that he took the lazy man's way of cheating.

Thatís a valid point. The development of the internet has revolutionized commerce, information exchange, entertainment..... .and infidelity. Pffth. Sauce for the goose I guess. With access to people globally now, and bringing more-than-willing partners right to your desk, its a growing problem.

>>That's true, that it's not really intimate, but being behind a keyboard unseen can also almost give you permission to say things you might never say to someone in person. It builds intimacy, but a very unhealthy intimacy. It's false.

One of the most profound things Ive seen regarding the mentality of an OEA, and your statement speaks volumes to me personallly. (I actually have it as wallpaper on my desktop. :-) Great call Fallen. But why I seem to NEED
that unhealthy fakeness is still beyond me. :-( I cant stress enuf how false it is, (at least while its remaining strictly online) yet while the fog is still all about one's head, the warm feelings seem real enuf. At the very least it feels like a real friendship. But when its terminated, those fake "feelings" seem to evaporate into dust instantly. In both my experiences, the NC
letter was not met with OP's remorse, or regret, or tears, or apologies, or reluctance to let go. Its was met with extreme...anger. Complete with colorful
metaphors. :-\ My BS and I have talked about this and she suggested
accurately I think, that its basically a "fix" that youre suddenly denying the OP, and it just pisses em off no end that you ripped it away. On the WS end, being the one who's termintaing it, its odd how a seemingly caring relationship online ending suddenly doesnt produce any feelings of missing the OP, or guilt at cutting them off. Just disgust with them, with yourself, and remorse and regret and guilt at hurting your innocent BS. All over something... FAKE.

>>Online EAs progress so rapidly and get so extreme because there is absolutely NO intrusion of the real world, to an even greater degree than usual with affairs, which are by definition all about the fantasy. Online "lovers" are the most two dimensional, manufactured creatures that ever could exist.

Perfectly stated. But as the WS I have to be careful here not to come off as using all this as an excuse to minimize the affair. I fully agree that the hurt caused by this transfer of intimate attention thru the keyboard is NOT fake. And the BS's betrayed feelings are comepletely valid.

>>They had such an intimate connection. I think I would almost rather he had just screwed someone instead of falling in love and sharing so much of himself with someone else.

My BS feels the same way, so Im not about to belittle those feelings, they're perfectly vaild, and cause me pain everytime I hear it and realize the damage that Ive done.

But IMO "falling in love" as wasfooled2 talked about only "feels"' that way while the fog is heavy. Real love doesnt dissipate so rapidly when the gig is up. And I dont personally believe falling IN love can be acheived strictly online. But all this is based on MY experience--yours and others' could be different as well.

The denial that an OEA is truly infidelity is pretty common at first I think. And it can take a long time for the WS to truly see its validity. What finally changes is accepting that your behavior IS causing your BS PAIN. If you move wrong and pull her hair for instance, and she says "ow" do you continue. or tell her you didnt mean to hurt her, so whats the big? Emotional pain from a WS's OEAis much worse Id wager.

Im way behind in this thread, and with this post. :-( But I'm reading all of it, and youre all answering a lot of what I was going to bring up, so in the end my delays are saving me work. ;-) Thank you all for taking time to convey your insights, and for starting this thread.

[This message edited by Off-SwitchBroken at 1:39 PM, April 30th (Monday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2007
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to throw our computer out the window. Never in my worst nightmares did I think a computer could f*ck up my marriage...


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Offswitchbroken!

Wow! Thank you for adding to our little corner of SI.

I am so happy that here, on this thread, the WS's are so forthcoming in helping the BS's and giving us some perspective.

((((Fallen, Inchoate, OffSwitch))))


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

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