I remember waiting for H to come home from "work" or "the store" if we were supposed to do something together. Telling the kids that "daddy will be home as soon as he can" and always the "daddy didn't mean what he said, he loves you and is upset about something else." In MC one night when I related that he told me I was making it up to hurt him.
did sleep with them but figures he's different because he 'always came home to me?'
capri - Before I found out, I threw my H a 50th Bday bash. I got friends of his from grade school there. It was huge and expensive. I spent about a year puttint together a list of 50things I loved about him.... one of them was
"And you always come home to me." That was something HE always said when I'd get suspicious or "paranoid". He'd ask me when he had time to have an affair with working all day and being home with me all night. Yeah, that's kind of what I figured too...talk about your naive!
Arrogant? OHHHHH, yeah! Funny, because there's this incredible lack of self worth, and yet arrogance all at once. He could do no wrong.
I found this to be at the root of many of the Waywards issues, not just the multiple cheaters. My H actually admitted this to me that he felt like crap, especially when around me. He admits it's a defense mechanism... the arrogance, but doesn't do anything to change that. I hear him telling acquaintences all kinds of exaggerations about his life and none of them are true. When I get a chance, I always tell these people that he's delusional. H gets mad at that but I tell him it's no longer acceptable to be a liar to anyone.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I look back on that now and wonder how awful he must have felt knowing that his family loved him that way and he was such a lousy POS. I don't think he had any more defenses to "numb" himself at that point. The affairs had been over for about 8 months and he was firmly out of the fog and working at recovery.
And then there it was in front of his face... how much he was loved and needed and appreciated.
I kept telling myself, he loved me and he was a good, principled person and I was lucky to have him working so hard.
Weepy, fwh has said the same thing: "When would I have time??" He always told me he was taking a nap at the truck pull-over because he was so tired from working all night. Every now and again, he'd drop a story about how he almost fell asleep at the wheel, or jolted awake. He had me feeling guilty for ever questioning anything. I am painfully aware that the naps may have mostly happened and only covered up meeting for coffee, or that they could have covered up daily morning events at her house. There were plenty of hours supposedly taken up by naps each day.
I can't count how many times I defended him to his own family. How many times I understood, how much abuse I took, the kids took, how I didn't stand up for me or for them, yet I had HIS back.
Yeah, I get really pissed sometimes.
[This message edited by weepy at 2:45 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)]
That's where I am today.
Something didn't add up when I first discovered bills he'd paid under someone elses' name. He claimed he was just helping out a neighbor who'd fallen on hard times. Something made me file that in the back of my memory and KEEP the bills.
When things were going well for us (right before Dday in 2005), I shredded them finally. Thinking that it happened before we were married and we were happy, it wouldn't bother me any more.
Wish I hadn't done that... but he confessed he'd dated and slept with her a few times and when she started expecting more (like help with finances) he broke it off... after all he was getting married in 6 months.
The really weird part... she had the same first name as his LTAP. He didn't even remember that. But I did because I'd seen the bills just months prior to Dday.
I found myself always coming behind him and trying to soften the hurt he caused to the kids, saying stuff like "oh, Daddy just had a hard day, ect." I really beat myself up for letting it be that way for years.
It just began so gradually, even thought I knew something was wrong with the way he treated us, (friends would tell me so) I just kept excusing it.
Now he seems so remorseful and is going to counseling and bible study....he seems to be a changed man.
My biggest problem is I just don't trust the change......I am so afraid it is not real. How do you ever feel safe after so many betrayals and so many years of lying.
I don't know how to trust again after an entire relationship's worth of lying. I don't know if you ever do. My WH keeps saying how much he loves me and how he feels closer to me than ever before. I guess those days of blindly trusting are over. I can hope he'll make better choices in the future...but can never really know what he -- or anyone -- will actually do.
I used to think I could "guarantee" fidelity by asking for it. I never believed someone, let alone my husband, would be able to lie to my face. When he wanted us to start a family, I said to him that I would never bring a child into a relationship that hadn't cemented their love with the promise that they would never jeopardize it. I said to him -- and I quote -- "we will undoubtedly face temptation in our relationship. Of course, there will be people we'll be attracted to. But before either of us does anything, let's promise that we'll get counselling or whatever it takes to ensure our marriage stays on track. If it can't be saved, then we'll know we did what we could."
He thought that was a simply splendid plan. Little did I know he had already had any number of ONS. He says now that he hoped a child would change how he acted. Three kids later, nothing had changed except my abdomen now looks like I hide marbles in it.
When he wanted us to start a family, I said to him that I would never bring a child into a relationship that hadn't cemented their love with the promise that they would never jeopardize it.
EO, I did the same thing. We waited 6 years before deciding to have kids. My parents' marriage had broken up just prior to our getting engaged and I told him flat out that I would NOT do that to a child, that he better be 110% sure he wanted to be married and have that child.
At the time, he did. I don't think he ever entertained any idea of cheating on me once we were married. I do believe he was 100% faithful and happy for the first 14 years of our marriage. I believe year 15 did him in.
My H thought throwing himself into a new home and remodeling project would help him stay out of trouble and for him it did help... the money was tight and his time was constrained somewhat. But he didn't stop until after we'd actually moved into the house. And the "project" took months longer than it should have... his way of dragging his feet on ending the affairs.
the party i had in my house for his 50th- i had invited 2 of his OW with their husbands because we were friends with them as couples! i feel sick now thinking about it.
the compartmentalization is so real. it is sick - but real.
as i said before- my H hates the old him and wants to recreate himself, but it is soooooo hard for me. i also think of all the times i was abondonded with my kids when he went on his conventions to meet his slut, or to a meeting to meet another slut.
the hardest part is realizing that i was an ENABLER!!! i centered my life around him and allowed him to treat me like shit. NO MORE.
dr. phil says "we teach people how to treat us". wow- that hit me like a ton of bricks- in a good way. i will no longer stand for being treated with disrespect by my H.
last saturday night he wanted to watch a movie with me, and i noticed that he had nodded off- as he always has in the past. i woke him up and said that if he fell asleep one more time, i would not watch the movie with him. he DID fall asleep again, and i left the room. he begged me to come back, but i did NOT. i will no longer be an enabler! i am free.
now - the big question- i am 3 months out from d-day, and have no feelings of respect, or love for him, or any desire to hug or kiss him. i see his whole life with me and the kids as one big lie. what are you ladies doing about those feelings???
have no feelings of respect, or love for him, or any desire to hug or kiss him. i see his whole life with me and the kids as one big lie. what are you ladies doing about those feelings???
I don't have much in those feeling departments either. And at 3 mo. I could barely stand the sight of him. I'd often ask him how he could bear to be in the same room with me -- a constant reminder of the pain he'd brought me. He said he was staying, period.
The fact that he withstood almost a full year of rage and accusations and fits and me walking out. I really, really abused the guy... well, that proved to me he was committed and got him a little respect back. That he finally started to go to IC and make some changes in the way he handled situations, that earned him a little respect.
But as far as jugement, or making decisions or his opinions.... nah, he's still a complete idiot in my eyes.
Our MC told us last week that marriages have difficulties, all of them. But if they are based in love, mutual respect and trust, then anything can be fixed. Well, he trusts me and loves me, but I don't feel he even still, even now respects me. And I have barely love for him now. Not too solid a foundation.
But it IS better than it was at 3 mo, 6 mo, even 18 mo.
I look at what we're doing now as starting over. I just thought the other day that he has 2 years of being faithful to me under his belt. I've been with him for 32, but he's only getting credit for 2, now that's sad.
Man could this be WH. SO many of your stories are like mine.
I just found out more tonight, but he says it doesn't count that he bought condoms to sleep with a co worker, because it never happened. NOthing physical ever did. They shared after hours phone calls and a ONLY neck rubs at the office. A few lunches and shared rides for business trips, but it doesn't count, because he did nto use them.
I say the intent was there. I say he did not have the opportunity. I say I had to FIND OUT rather than him tell me.
IT all addas up to another AP of sorts?
If so, it makes 4.
I am not sure I can continue with R.
Wonder if there is one that fits for massive denial on my part?
You want to hear massive denial? I found a novel I started to write about three years ago...after my husband and his work AP had a fling, but before the full-blown affair started. In it, I wrote about a woman who had just discovered her husband was having an affair with his assistant. I just found the pages I'd written a few weeks ago. My blood ran cold, the hair on my neck stood up. All I could think was "I knew all along..."
Here's my questions- Do any of you get negative reactions from your WS, when you tell someone else about the adultery? I recently told my cousin who i hadnt seen since d-day, and my husband was upset and said "YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDNT TELL ANYONE". i became furious- telling me about promises when he had broken every promise he ever made to me. he was really only thinking about himself and his own embaressment - not my healing.
Also- now my cousins think that I am sicker than him for staying married to him!!!! they dont want him to come to their houses anymore, as they feel that now that they know, they are condoning his behavior. Any of have this kind of experience???
high school sweethearts - prom and all
he followed me to college. he did better than extremely well.
married 11/1994 veterans day, we studied for midterms
2/14/1996 had ultrasound of 1st baby
2/15/1996 1st D day with sst.(#1) Full blown relationship, P and E
7/4/96 1st child (mad the entire pregnancy)
5/early/1998 find out about A that happened in 7/1997(#3) and he was still corresponding with sst(#1)
7/1998 I'm not relocating with you -Please come with me -OK
11/1998 I'm not "In Love with you anymore"OK, I'm gone
4/1999 Lets work it out - OK
3/2000 Baby #2
12/2001 Baby #3
5/2002 D-day with girl(#5)
6/2005 family relocates again
I'm pregnant with Baby#4
11/05 H dxed with BP and manic for 6 months
12/30/05 left me for another girl. this time, EVERYONE knew, he was too ill to hide the fact. Trust me, the details are ill. He brought this one in my house when I was visiting family. A with srb(#6)
1/05 Manic D-Day
On a sunday morn. H decided to tell me about all the affairs girl s(#2)fall 1997? , girl s (#4)fall/winter 1998-99 (in his mania he said he was in love with her ?)
2/06 2 ONS (I won't even count them)there is enough already
Inbetween there is a lot of dysfunctin on both of our parts but the out side looks pretty nice, pretty people with picket fences, ya'know
5/2006 He began R for Alcohol and BP doing really well with that. Sex addiction is harder to wrap your mind around, iguess
I attend lots of 12-step and even COSA.
Today, well our 13th wedding ann and HE's really excited. Me well, whatever, one day at a time, right.
He even got gifts and made reservations. Big deal for him. I'm impressed. He's on his way home form work which is far away and we haven't seen him for a while. He calls to let me know how he's looking fwd to the evening and that he will be home shortly. OK His phe calls the house accidentially and I can hear, "Let's hear it for Tina -OHHH". Now what "Tina" would be getting handclaps at 3pm in the afternoon? I call the phone, he doesn't pick up, I tell him that I understand that he's too busy to take the call for I know where he is. He shows later with roses and a pitiful face. He said he understood if I did not want to be around him. I went anyway, I'm not going to let your stupid choices ruin a great night. Me going and looking beautiful was eating him up. He actually wanted to talk about it. I told him, not till you talk to your sponsor.
I know I deserve better. Am I a woman with a few plans in her sleve, yeah, this domestic goddess ain't as stupid as she looks. I don't know but I'm paying attention. People that have been married 50 + yrs have gone thru a lot but serial adultury is abusive. Thanks for listening. I hope you were able to follow along. Hell I'm confused now.