I'm posting on this thread because I can definitely relate. My WH has had multiple affairs, and from what I can gather it's been from day one and we've been together for 19 years and married for 15.
I've found emails and texts from various women. He says they are just friends and that I need to stop reading more into them than there is.
Believe you me, I have plenty of conversation with him as to why even chatting with women is cheating, though I know from emails he's had PAs. I tell him how disrespectful it is to me and to our marriage. But he won't admit to anything; even with the emails I've showed him. The affairs make me sick, but the lie that is between us is killing our marriage. But he doesn't want to talk about it because he keeps to his story that he loves me and that nothing has ever happened.
Even up until near the very end, he was refusing to admit that OW was anything more than a friend. When he DID admit it, I kicked his ass out.
He was so good at making me feel crazy that he worked it so that he could go out to the bars any time and with whomever he pleased--otherwise I was 'controlling' him, I was 'jealous' and 'unevolved'.
I was SUCH an idiot (in retrospect). The last day he was at the house before he moved out to go be with his most current OW, I learned the truth about 4 affairs...but I know there were more and I know he downplayed those he did admit to as well.
Your husband is lying to you. I'd bet a lot of money on it. I'm so sorry!!! ((((HUGS))))
LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08
Almost left me for the last slag, with a dramatic buildup to a spectacular d-day. On some level, he loved the drama.
We're almost 4 years out from d-day.
PROBLEM IS, that he is just like so many of the descriptions I've read in this thread. Nothing special about him! Can't remember, doesn't know, needs to move on, had an EPIPHANY after I caught him.
The KING of conflict avoiders.
Selfish, self-centered phony "nice guy". Disastrous first marriage involving guess what? Serial cheating and conflict avoidance. Horrible grown daughters from that marriage, lazy, greedy and self-centered.
Wimpy in his family and business life, he has expressed his rebelliousness through cheating. "I'll show you!", his behavior seems to say.
Of course, this guy doesn't begin to understand why he is this way. The very nature of his problem makes it virtually impossible to examine it.
Like so many WS's, he thinks it's all in the past. However, he is STILL secretive. He STILL witholds information on any topic that would spark uncomfortable conversation. He STILL wimps out with his ex-wife, children and and daddy, playing the role of passive little boy while they run roughshod over him.
He can't fathom that his behavior is actually very destructive.
e says I am the only woman he ever cheated on
Maybe you were the only woman he felt he didn't "deserve". A lot of these men have terrible self esteem issues. My H never even cheated on his OW with the prostitutes. Said they were "exclusive" during that time. Of course, she was HIM, he was perfectly comfortable in her presence and with her as a sex partner.
It was only when he was home with me, the good, caring, faithful wife that he felt like a POS and ran back to her to feel better. Nothing like a POS that's worse than you to make you feel better.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
We were just talking about having another baby. It obviously seems like bad timing now.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
Can you offer up your secrets on "turning it around?" I have days when it seems so clear -- of course it isn't about me. But many more days, especially lately, when I can't believe that it's NOT about me. How do you get past that? How do you get to a place where you can put the past in the past and stop using it as a crystal ball for the future?
So, how do I turn it around. I got to IC and she keeps reminding me that HE's screwed up, not me. That all the anger, all the lies are about him hating himself and creating another person. That he gets angry and pushes me away when I get too close because he fears that if ANYONE knows who he really is, NO ONE will want to be around him. He thinks he's that horrible.
I used to think he was like a candy with a hard shell, protecting his soft center. That might be true. He might be the biggest wimp on earth, but feels he has to hide it.
It helps that I see that soft center now and again to remind me that I'm on the right track knowing it's him with the issues.
I'm not saying I don't get down. I do, did this morning after sex, wondering how long before he craved something new again. I mean he's never going to start to have sex with me and find a couple of double Ds under that shirt, or a coiffed snatch or a special talent. He's seen everything, I've done everything I know. I worry that it won't be enough forever. But then I move on to what I can do, what a good person I am, how much my kids love and need me and his issues seem so less important.
He was so good at making me feel crazy that he worked it so that he could go out to the bars any time and with whomever he pleased--otherwise I was 'controlling' him,
EXACTLY what he was doing to me! It is so good to hear that I'm not the only one who fell victim. He called me controlling a couple of times, let me know 'even his sister noticed' and I never again expected or demanded anything of him, for fear he was going around bad-mouthing me even more to his family, friends, and co-workers.
In our case, he didn't go to bars as far as I know, but he came home at any and all hours of the day (he worked nights and had a long commute) with the story that he was so exhausted he pulled over and took a nap in the car. Every once in awhile, he'd tell me a story about falling asleep at the wheel or spinning out across a crowded highway and the miracle nobody hit him. I wonder if any of those ever happened, or if they just kept me feeling guity about how hard he worked while he was actually having coffee and perhaps a lot more with ow2 during those years.
Every once in awhile, he'd tell me a story about falling asleep at the wheel or spinning out across a crowded highway and the miracle nobody hit him. I wonder if any of those ever happened,
I hear you Capri. Anything to make us feel "worried" or concerned about them. That's part of the trap... they get to play 'victim' while victimizing.
The statment has been made on this forum that if there's opportunity, you can pretty much assume there was a PA. I hesitate because he was raised in Ireland in a social climate more like the 50's in the States. Maybe for him, that actually kept him from the worst? But the fact is, it will always haunt me, wondering if it was meeting for coffee as he finally admitted to, or if he was actually going home with her and having that nap in her bed, rather than at the truck stop.
He'd call me saying he was at the truck stop, 30 minutes from home, and it would still take him another 2-1/2 hours to actually get home.
I feel so stupid saying I believed him now, but my mom would say things like, "Are you pleasant to come home to? Maybe that's why he's not coming home." Or she'd say, "I've been with him when it takes him three hours to get a gallon of milk. We all know that's the way he is." And he is-- he almost always takes the kids with him these days, and it still takes him three hours to get a gallon of milk.
It kills me not knowing what end of the spectrum he's really capable of.
Yeah, my H was a "it takes him 2 hours to do everything" too kind of guy. But his OW lived 5 minutes from home, so every half hour he was missing COULD have been spent with her. He says no, but from the other thread, you know that he'll protect himself to his death.
Yes, mine is the same way: he lies, lies, lies, lies, and then is all indignant if I get the story wrong. Up till about 5 or 6 years ago, he could still get me with that. I'd leave every conversation feeling like a complete fool because I'd once again 'screwed up.' I finally started keeping notes-- isn't that sad when you have to keep notes on your spouse just to reassure yourself of your own sanity?--and figured out what he was doing, both changing the story and that he never gave me the right or the complete information, anyway.
I have pointed out to him in clear terms that he is doing this and it's his own darn fault at this point if I can't get the story right based on half- and untrue- information, and neither could he. So far, he's just ignored that and not answered.
I believe mine will also carry his secrets, whether that's more or longer coffee dates than he's admitted to or torrid sex and a few more children, to his grave.
It's good to hear from other people that the same exact thing is being done to them.
Mine didn't and I have read that others didn't as well.