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User Topic: Multiple Affairs
onceinlove
♀ Member
Member # 19874
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here.

On June 17, WH confessed to six A's during the past six years--all in one fell swoop.

Four of the APs were administrative employees at the factories he ran. He picked low-life skanky alcoholics (most of whom were older and less attractive than me) who needed to be rescued. The other two were people he picked up--one in a bar and one in the bank drive thru.

So much on this thread applies to me. WH finally confessed after he lost his job (possibly, in part, to the fact that top executives found out about his activities). He said the guilt was killing him. Once he started with the first AP in 2002, he couldn't stop.

I made him draw a bar chart/timeline of all the A's and he did it. It was sickening but he's a quantitative guy who believes he sees patterns when other don't. Too bad he didn't see his own sick pattern of behavior.

It has been almost one month since D-day and he has done everything I said he would have to do in order to R. IC, SLAA meetings, AA meetings, 12 steps with sponsor, NC, complete transparency, etc.

I don't know if I love him or if our R will be successful. I would like it to be but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Plus, the mental movies of him planning, plotting and preparing to be with other women are pure torture. He always complained about having too much to do. What could our marriage have been like if he would have given all that love and devotion to his wife instead of letting it leak out his dick to the APs?

He was an asshole before and is like a different man now--kind, loving, supportive, remorseful, compassionate and willing to do whatever he can to support my healing--but I can't help but wondering if he's faking it. After all, he faked our marriage for 6 years.

And I had no clue what he was doing. I just thought I was giving him "space" by not nagging or complaining or even standing up for myself when he treated me in that cold, abrupt and defensive manner that so many of you describe.

It just makes me sick. I guess it will just take time. While I wait to find out if I can love and trust him again, I will get a post-nup that protects me. This was actually his idea and I'm doing it.

He knows that he will have no more chances. I just hate the fact that I have to be the honesty police. Ugh!

Sending hugs to all...


Him: WH 48
Me:BS 48
M: 17 years
D-Day: June 17, 2008
WH confessed to 6 APs over 6 yrs, including 2 LTAs; now in SA recovery--approaching 2.5 years of sobriety
Status: R


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Southeast US
tryn2survive
♀ Member
Member # 20197
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been with my fiance for 15 years and he has had multiple A's during this time but only will admit to what I have evidence of. I'm scared to think of how many there really has been... I still cannot bring myself to understand why a person could do this to another person they love. He shows remorse and tells me everyday how much he loves me and always gives me lots of hugs and kisses but is it remorse because he got busted or remorse for what he did to me and our relationship? Why will he not talk about it with me? What is causing him to repeat this kind of behavior? Does he understand how this has affected our relationship? Since discovering the affairs I have had MAJOR trust issues and it has really caused problems. I cannot afford to go to IC so I try to find help from forums and articles online or in books kind of like a self help. I really do hope we can both come to understand why this has happened and move on and better our relationship.


Together 15yrs.
BSO-me-30
WSO-him-32
2 kids- 4 & 8
Dday#1- 01/2001 Multiple PA's
Dday#2- 03/2008 PA
Dday#3- 08/14/2008 EA (still have to verify)
Working on R

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: missouri
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess those of us dealing with multiple As are a minority....not too many posts here.

try bein a Man ROUND HERE!
now, that'd be a REAL minority!

not that it's a political season, er nuthin, but hey!

who's the minority leader, anyway?


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

now back to page 2, was it?



Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still here jjct


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35359 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
sunflowersnrain
♀ New Member
Member # 20244
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i belong here too

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Midwest
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

w5))))))))))
i dunno. with that multiplier in your nic, you might automatically be the minority-leader!
dayum.
w5))))))))))

given the gender disparity, i'm thinking of this as MA'S thread.
you know, Multiple A - Survivors!

(((MA's)))


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woo Hoo
I get to be a leader

Seriously, like what you said about being a survivor. That is the most important thing to remember. We will all make it through this no matter how horrific out story is. As time goes on, the poor actions of our spouses will not define who we are


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35359 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
heartsunk
♀ Member
Member # 20302
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to All!!! I am so glad to find you!!! It's been 2yrs. and 3 months since my D-day. Well sorta, I actually have another ,that was January 3rd of this year. My H had several EM's with OW that he found on Adultfriendfinders.com (Damn this site!!!!!) Anyway, I know of two LTA's and a couple of paid ones to boot. There were so many clues to his A's that I didn't notice it's hard for me to think that I could be so stupid not to pick up on them. The one that hurt the most was one that he had for over a year. My 17yr. old daughter was the one to actually discover his cheating on his computer.She called me in to see and unfortunatly she had already read a large portion of the IM from the night before with the OW. She printed a copy for me and I was unable to read it until later that evening because he came home just minutes after we found it. He was just getting ready to meet her in person for the first time that week. In this IM he talked about a previous affair with another woman. I was able to find the woman that he had been IM with. I decided it was in my best interest to try to use her to get as much information about this woman as possible. She was able to give me alot of information as it seems he talked about her alot. When I first confronted him about the IM he was SO ANGERY. He was mad that our daughter had found the IM (He ban her from ever using his computer ever again) To this day he has never apologized to her. Nor has he apologized to my son for what he has done. He thinks that they are too young to understand (They are 19 and 17) lol. He just can't face them and explain himself. It took me several months of searching phone records before I was able to find the OW. He held on to his story that the had only had an EA. My gut and the fact that the other woman that I talked to told me that was not the case, but he stuck by that story. Over a year and a half later I decided that I needed closure with her so I went down to where she worked and waited for her to come outside. MY H had told me that she would be glad to answer any questions I my have. I approched her and told her who I was. "Oh HI" was her reponse. I told here that I needed to have some kind of closure with her. I had talked to her on the phone a year before and they had the same story. They said that they had met and had gone to lunch about 5 times and dinner a couple of times but that was all. I said that I would like to ask her some more questions and she said "sure". THEN I said before I start let me tell you that my H has admitted to an A with you.(I didn't say that he had only admitted to an EM.) Her demeanor changed. I then asked her "How many times did you sleep with my H?". Her reply was... I don't know how many times. I then asked her a few more questions all of which she lied to me about. I got back into my car and headed home . When I got back home my H was still asleep. I woke him up to tell him that I had finally gotten my nerve up to confront her and that she had admitted to the PA. He continued to deny it. He said I must have heard her wrong. Then I explained how I had asked the question and she thought I already knew so she had to say what she said. He began to cry and said that he could not tell me the truth, that he was so scared that if I knew the truth that I would leave him. To this day I don't know how I found the compassion to do what I did next but I told him to come to me and I would hold his hands while he told me the truth. He then confessed to me about her and about other things that I had found that I knew were linked to the A. This all happened after we had been in MC. He had lied all the way through that. He now thinks that because he has finally told everything that I should be able to move on.That we don't need to see another MC because it was over two years ago and by now I should be able to let it go. But I'm not!!! To me it's like I just found out in January. I am finding it harder and harder to make love to him because all I see when we make love is... did he do that with her?...Did he touch her this way too?...Did he say those things to her too? It plays over and over in my mind the whole time. Does anybody have any advice on how to get this picture out of my mind or how to cope with this. I can't tell him about this because he just gets mad that I can't just let it go. I find myself pulling away and I am so scared. If I continue to do this I'm afraid that he will cheat again. I need your help!!! Thanks!


Me BS (48)
WH (46)
1 D (21)
1 S (19)
DD 5/9/06
2nd DD 1/3/08 Trickle truth!
Married 22yrs.
Working on R

The truth may hurt but a lie is agony.

There are no degrees of honesty.

If it were not for hope,the heart would break.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: salem, oregon
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That we don't need to see another MC because it was over two years ago and by now I should be able to let it go. But I'm not!!! To me it's like I just found out in January

I heard this too, fortunately, we had an MC at the time that drilled this fact into his head... I am on a different healing path from him #1 because I'm just finding out and #2 because he KNOWS what was going on in his marriage and I don't.

Honestly, I don't think there's ever a "getting over it" in multiple cases, there's always the "they did it so often before and got away with it, how will I ever know the next time?" I don't know when the hypervigilence goes away, maybe when we finally absorb the fact that we can't control them, only ourselves.

My IC told me that if I never "got over" it, I should leave him. That it was only hurting ME to stay (believe me she didn't care that my not "getting over it" was bothering him)

Accept the fact that you will never know everything. Unless you had a first hand look at all the interactions, you are only relying on the word of a liar and manipulator (both OW and your H).

Does anybody have any advice on how to get this picture out of my mind or how to cope with this. I can't tell him about this because he just gets mad that I can't just let it go. I find myself pulling away and I am so scared. If I continue to do this I'm afraid that he will cheat again. I need your help!!!

Be true to yourself. I found that his reassurance went only so far. If I wanted to be with him, I was. If I didn't, I wasn't. If I fell apart during, I did. Sure he got mad, but the anger is really at himself, sweetie. You distraught reactions remind him of what he'd done. And it's "so unfair" you keep reminding him of it.

No, he has to live with it the same way you have to live with it. Or don't. Both of you have that choice.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((heartsunk))))

Have you been to the healing library - upper-left corner link?

I copied this from "BS FAQ's"

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

I'm sorry for your suffering, but the folks here are wonderful - just know you're not alone & keep posting -it helps.
like weepy said, be true to YOU! #11 on that link is about what we call the 180.
While reading it - remember, it is about YOU & YOUR healing.

We will survive this!


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
tmcm
♂ Member
Member # 8758
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before my divorce, my ex-WW was a proud, card carrying member of the 'frequent fu**er miles'. So add my name to the club.


XBH: Me
XWW: First Wife

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2005
strongone555
♀ Member
Member # 20277
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I am new here and didnt notice this topic until now, I totally belong here and it feels better to know I am not alone.
My H has about 7 A that I know of. Been married 19 years and found out about first one 9 years ago when 8 mos preg. then after 4 more, filed for divorce but before final went back to him. Then last year he was out of state working and had another, thought he stopped this. Then 2 months ago he fessed up to texting (only texting he claims of course) a girl. He went to counselor 5 times and he learned why he does this and says he is done doing this forever. But it sounds oh too familiar. Want to believe him. I for some reason feel sorry for him, he has no family left. He will always have his kids. He is really good to the kids. He is always so nice to me and does so much around the house. I feel like there is som much infidelity out there, am I just going to find another unfaithful one? I have been only staying for the kids, but after the last texts I am seriously thinking of just cutting the cord once and for all.....ugh!

[This message edited by strongone555 at 6:40 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 56 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: california
heartsunk
♀ Member
Member # 20302
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi weepy and jjct. Thank you for being here. Weepy, you really now just how I feel. I know that you've been there too! Why don't they get it?? I just can't figure it out. It's like they are little kids, that where scolded and now the just want to forget it. Some times I imagine how it would be if I had done this and he had to live with the thought that I shared the same intimacy with someone. I wonder how he would handle that thought day after day after day. They have it easier than we do. They live with the guilt, but we live with the unknowns. I wonder if he daydreams about her. I have told him that everytime he thinks of making (lust) to her that because I now know what he did that I am in the room with them watching every move they make. Anyway thanks for being here!!


Me BS (48)
WH (46)
1 D (21)
1 S (19)
DD 5/9/06
2nd DD 1/3/08 Trickle truth!
Married 22yrs.
Working on R

The truth may hurt but a lie is agony.

There are no degrees of honesty.

If it were not for hope,the heart would break.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: salem, oregon
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reading a book now about connecting to your loved ones. In it they discuss how hard it is to connect (be intimate) with someone who's sense of shame runs so deep, they are in denial so deep, they actually BELIEVE the lies they tell us.

So, we live with the unknowns because it doesn't matter if we ask, they cannot answer us honestly. They cannot face their shame and pain. They think they will die (literally).

It's not our job to help them figure it out, to "get it". Unless they want to, they won't.

I consider my H now a "dry drunk". He won't cheat, doesn't mean the desire isn't there. That the craving for the "new" fix isn't there.

He doesn't think about them in any positive context, except I figure when we have another unsatisfying sex romp. I mean, he was with them because they made sex fun, intriguing, sensual, dangerous, and we aren't.

BUT we also won't kill them, stalk them, ruin their "real" lives. WE won't lose them their jobs, their kids, their home. There's no risk with us. And now unfortunately, they know they've ruined any chance of sex with us being that way again.

I don't know about you guys but I won't play those "games" any more. The seductress, acting out the fantasies, sex designed to make him feel like a stud.

The question is, do they value those "romps" weighed against what they've lost? I doubt it.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hit bottom last night like it was (almost like) the same as the month of d-day. I am not sure what triggered it specifically but it ended up with me almost saying "Yes" when my WH asked if I want him to leave.

I felt so depressed and felt I deserve every good and every bad thing that have happened to me. It seems one affair is hard enough. Looking at the numbers of just how many came after me...

How is this time any different?

How am I special out of all of them?

How do you all here deal with so many "Others"?

My H is remorseful and doing everything he can, however there are times when I feel maybe it is a deal-breaker for me, I'm just afraid to admit it.

He is there and a changed person and continually changing for the better person. He is becoming who I've always thought I was married to and who I said "yes" to.

I feel insane staying in this M, I feel insane if I leave. It's hell moving forward either way. But those are the only two options I have.

Have a trial separation of a week or a month helped anyone here?

I feel I need to re-commit or just call it quits for all our sakes even our daughter.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Occasionally I pop in here, but as previously mentioned, there does not seem to be much input in this thread. Is that because we are such a minority? Don't know.

Hoping to start a discussion on some of the unique problems we face as survivors of multiple As.

My FWH is one of those who has completely changed and is a differant person today. He has done 1 1/2 years of IC and is involved in a very intense program in our church.

I on the other hand am still struggling. There is a good thread in inspirations about obsession. This is my problem.

I can't seem to stop the investigating. Not about now, but about the past. In the year after the last D-day, I found out so much by investigation, it was the only way I could get any information about the past As.

I spent $$ getting access to email accts, phone records, ect. and was able to get some of the truth that way.

It is like I get some kind of power, or feeling of safety from being able to check out every woman I am still unsure about (I have multiple email addresses I still suspect were OW....he says he doesn't remember them) It is like I can't rest untill I check everything out. Maybe it is because everytime I got access to one of the suspected womens emails, I found another A.

Even the ones I know all about, I still check their emails, like it gives me some satisfaction....all those years those women knew about me, were in involved in my personal life and I did not know....being able to spy on them now gives me some kind of weird satisfaction. I know this is sick and I want to stop it. All this energy wasted that I could spend on something more constructive.

Years of As and trickle truth and a false R have made me feel so screwed up, like I have PTSD or something. Sometimes I say to myself....what does it matter if it is 5 affairs or 20...why can't I let it go and move on.

Is there anyone else out there that has these types of problems a couple of years out from discovery????

Right now my plan is to start a Bible study in the fall....I know I need to give this all to God as I am just not strong enough to fix this on my own.

Sorry if this is so rambling....


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cleo,

Giving it all to God helped me a lot. I still keep tabs on the known OM though.

I think it all boils down to trust. Through all this I lost trust in my wife, and in myself. By keeping tabs, I feel that I have a little control here.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35359 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks wh5, I keep saying I am giving it all to God, But I guess I am not truly doing it.

Heres another thing...

The feeling like FWH "owes" me something for all the years of poor treatment(aside from the As) and all the As. Something more than changing and being a good spouse now. I know this is wrong...I know that nothing he can do will change what he has done.....but something in my mind says....he should make my life alot easier now to make up for all the years I suffered.

Feel free to bash me.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cleo)))

I don't see anything bashworthy

What you feel is perfectly normal and makes perfect sense. I feel the same way sometimes. The thing is, I don't think there is anything they can do to "make up" for what they did. All they can do is be a better spouse from here on out.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35359 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
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