if you know what I mean.
It feels sometimes like I was asleep or that I was somebody else. I don't know, either, why I put up with this situation.
And it sure hurts still. I thought I was done, sort of, for a few weeks, and then I turned a corner and all the pain, sorrow, rejection, worthlessness, anger, frustration, self-loathing, him-loathing, - all of them bad feelings - were waiting around that corner and jumped right on my back and started pulling my hair.
I guess we sure will be strong when we get through this processing, however we manage to.
About 5mths ago I discovered my WH was having an PA/EA with a woman while he was out of town. The very next day I discovered that he had also been having a PA with his best friends wife. We began the process of rebuilding a R, until I discovered about 2mths after finding out about the ex-best friends wife that he had also had prior PA/EA's with 2 other women, one of which I currently work with. I discovered these 2 other PA's when I tested positive for 2 different STD's. These A's have gone on for the past 2yrs of our almost 4yr marriage. During these A's he never once acted differently towards me and was the man that I thought I had married; attentive, loving & my partner. Little did I know!
When things like this come out it is so unimaginably devastating. I always thought I was a strong, independant woman before all of this, yet now I find myself questioning everything I thought I was and everything I ever thought I wanted in life.
Thank you so much for "listening" to my sad story and for having a site like this where others in my same shoes can share their thoughts and feelings. I look forward to finding strength and support from each of you and your shared struggles.
~ From my pain comes wisdom ~
I try not to, but I feel so ashamed - to have been cheated on so many ways, so many times. I feel like I mustve sucked as a wife! I thought I was a good wife - not perfect, but I tried.
Every fight we've had over the years - those fights that I thought were normal marital fights part of growing together as a married couple - turns out, after most of those fights, he'd decide he was unhappy and then begin retreating to his fantasy world on the computer video chatting and im'ing, sending pictures.
He shows no remorse, has never looked back, and cares only about bringing our son into his new life. I was completely a baby vessel and I feel so used and ashamed that I was cheated on so many ways.
I can't look back at my marriage with any joy, except for my children. I can't look at old pictures or home movies without wondering what my life "really" was like at that moment. He has stolen my past from me. The one I thought I had. I am four years out from D-day and it is still a struggle for me every day. Not sure how you ever get over something like this.
FOR FUCKS SAKE!
F*ck my life. I now am going to face a life without the woman I love and without my family. I should have been smart enough to know that it was NEVER going to end!!
Less than a year ago, he admitted (while making love to me) that there "was this big girl...". And a few weeks later told me she wasn't the only one...it was more than two, but less than 12....REALLY???!!!
After a few weeks of him dangling a carrot in front of me that he was going to tell me all, I had finally had enough and threatened to tell everyone we knew, everyone who knew him, every dealer he works for, everyone at church, and our children just what pain he had inflicted on me. He then admitted to 7 OW. I wanted details, names, etc.
After a few months he finally gave them to me...but things just didn't add up...turns out he forgot that he had told me about one of them earlier, and then had to cover his tracks. I know he still hasn't disclosed all of them to me, and the phone records support that.
Liar's Motto: If at first you don't decieve, lie, lie again.
Since then I have been on such an emotional roller coaster. He has made some changes, not sure if they are long term or not. Just wondering if anyone out there has survived a similar situation with thier marriage intact--or am I just wasting my time beating a dead horse???
A hard dick has no conscience.
I guess I belong here... I found out that DH paid multiple prostitutes from '05-'08... some two at a time...
I can't even begin to fathom how I can get through this...
DDay#3- the one where I discover his whores... 3/10
TT#1 (b/c he won't ever talk about it) 2/9/11
Moved out 4/1/11
Tentatively stepping back into "R" 6/9/11
Putrting aside all of the redflags I ignored or minimized, or allowed to be explained away over the years, I hope that I have learned something from this. While I am trying to R after the initial disclosures, I like to think that I will not tolerate a new (after DDay) A.
FWW appears to be doing much of the work that allowed her to respond inaapropriately when the conditions presented themselves.
It is my intent that if there is a next time there will be no thinking or healing, just an automatic 180 and filing for D.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:13 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]
Me: BS - 36
Him: WS - 40
Married: 8 years...Together 12 yrs
Kid: SD - 14
Recent DDay: Dec 2, 2011 and again Oct 10, 2012
So group, that is my current situation. We are still trying to work it out. I don't know what to do. Even if all is true he sent me back to dday1 and worse because I was trying to trust him after giving him a second chance.
multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage