Topic: Multiple Affairs
Member # 6719
| Posted: 7:19 PM, February 1st (Monday), 2010|
I can't imagine this hasn't been discussed in this thread previously, but I am really wondering why I have stayed with my husband through his affairs. I feel like there is something very wrong with me.
Wondering what is wrong with me. Why don't I leave?
Posts: 353 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Allen, Texas
Member # 27215
| Posted: 11:22 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010|
After just last weeks confession, I've realized that there were at least 9 OW starting 4 weeks before our D was born and on again off again for 14 years. he had sex with as far as he's told me 5 of them. The rest he just "fooled around with" I believe there were others after his last EA/PA that he was texting inaproiately but when asked if it was he just says "I don't know" I think he just refuses to look at who he really has become, and it hurts me, it's hurting our kids and our chance at R. I'm not getting any understand at all how he could be this person it isn't who I thought I was married to. Why so many why the entire time, why'd he marry me he was fooling around before we got married even. How does someone handle all of this?
Me(BS):35 Him(FWH):35 2 kids 14, 8 Together 15 yrs, M for 12 D-day #1 8-28-02 D-day #2 11-17-08 still getting TT which leads to D-day #3 01-26-10 admitted to 3 ow 15 years ago, currently in an EA with my now ex friend they deny it so we are headed for d.
Posts: 134 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 24753
| Posted: 11:35 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010|
Yep... count me into this group too. My WH had multiple affairs that I found out about within a few weeks of the initial D-day. I saw through the trickle truth and started digging for proof... found it, confronted him.. he lied some more... I went global-thermo-nuclear on his ass and threatened to systematically dismantle every single part of his life if he didn't come clean. Faced with that he started talking... although in my heart I know there's more that I don't know. Not sure at this point what the benefit of knowing anything else would be. But I can relate to all those whose WS's have done this crap more than once!!
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."
Posts: 1506 | Registered: Jul 2009
|will get by|
Member # 26419
| Posted: 5:24 PM, February 5th (Friday), 2010|
I don't want to be in this club, but here I am. On the other hand sometimes it feels like my stbxh is the only one who was horrible enough to have these types of affairs. So this thread helps me feel less alone.
Those of you who have been through this, how do you process the emotions? Do you ever feel as though WS never really loved you? I do. I've read that he loved me as only he knew how. That doesn't really help me feel better, though helps to understand. I also feel as though I were robbed of the emotional intimacy that a marriage is supposed to have.
How could he do this over and over again with several different women? Looking back when he was deep in it I felt his resentment, I would tell him in argument "I didn't force you to marry me why are you so resentful toward me?"
Duh now I know he wanted to have sex with other people freely and me/wife was in his way. The more he listend to his affair partners blast me the more he hated me too.
Different ones called me names like Princess and Bitch...my guess is they wanted what I had. What did I have? NOTHING! a fucking cheater who could never be faithful. I also feel like a dumbass for trusting so long after our first year of marriage when he had affair I really thought he changed.
Now I wonder if it was true for awhile or just false R.
Doesn't matter now since we ARE divorcing....all these painful feelings I don't know how to deal with. They replay over and over in my mind.
Posts: 4281 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 22031
| Posted: 10:26 AM, February 6th (Saturday), 2010|
I never noticed this thread. Then again, there was a lot I didn't notice. ...
if you know what I mean.
It feels sometimes like I was asleep or that I was somebody else. I don't know, either, why I put up with this situation.
And it sure hurts still. I thought I was done, sort of, for a few weeks, and then I turned a corner and all the pain, sorrow, rejection, worthlessness, anger, frustration, self-loathing, him-loathing, - all of them bad feelings - were waiting around that corner and jumped right on my back and started pulling my hair.
I guess we sure will be strong when we get through this processing, however we manage to.
Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
Member # 26638
| Posted: 12:00 PM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010|
Wow....unfortunately I realize that this is my group now. So sorry to read each of your stories.
About 5mths ago I discovered my WH was having an PA/EA with a woman while he was out of town. The very next day I discovered that he had also been having a PA with his best friends wife. We began the process of rebuilding a R, until I discovered about 2mths after finding out about the ex-best friends wife that he had also had prior PA/EA's with 2 other women, one of which I currently work with. I discovered these 2 other PA's when I tested positive for 2 different STD's. These A's have gone on for the past 2yrs of our almost 4yr marriage. During these A's he never once acted differently towards me and was the man that I thought I had married; attentive, loving & my partner. Little did I know!
When things like this come out it is so unimaginably devastating. I always thought I was a strong, independant woman before all of this, yet now I find myself questioning everything I thought I was and everything I ever thought I wanted in life.
Thank you so much for "listening" to my sad story and for having a site like this where others in my same shoes can share their thoughts and feelings. I look forward to finding strength and support from each of you and your shared struggles.
Dday #1: 9/2/2009
Dday #2: 11/15/2009
Dday #3: 2/3/2012
~ From my pain comes wisdom ~
Posts: 74 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
Member # 26821
| Posted: 4:18 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010|
I just found this group and feel the sane way as all of you. My 5 year marriage was a complete joke - one that I wasnt in on - since my stbxwh started online affairs, kissing other women, and then a full-on EA/PA while I was pregnant with our first child last year. We are in the divorce process and he seems to have happily moved on with life and the ow.
I try not to, but I feel so ashamed - to have been cheated on so many ways, so many times. I feel like I mustve sucked as a wife! I thought I was a good wife - not perfect, but I tried.
Every fight we've had over the years - those fights that I thought were normal marital fights part of growing together as a married couple - turns out, after most of those fights, he'd decide he was unhappy and then begin retreating to his fantasy world on the computer video chatting and im'ing, sending pictures.
He shows no remorse, has never looked back, and cares only about bringing our son into his new life. I was completely a baby vessel and I feel so used and ashamed that I was cheated on so many ways.
BW - 38
dday - Aug 09
married 5 years; together 7
1 ds - 3 yrs old
divorce final Feb 2011
Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: New England
Member # 12579
| Posted: 3:35 PM, March 15th (Monday), 2010|
I haven't posted on SI for a very long time, but felt the need to come back and visit, and then I found this forum, which, unfortunately, I belong to. After 17 years of marriage I caught my husband in an affair, and through all the crap afterwards I found out he cheated on me throughout our marriage, beginning (so he says) 1-1/2 years into it. It was such a blow because I trusted him 100%. It was one of the reasons I loved him, because I didn't think he was capable of cheating. Boy, do I feel stupid. I never once suspected him, even when he went away on training trips.
I can't look back at my marriage with any joy, except for my children. I can't look at old pictures or home movies without wondering what my life "really" was like at that moment. He has stolen my past from me. The one I thought I had. I am four years out from D-day and it is still a struggle for me every day. Not sure how you ever get over something like this.
BS (me) 48WS 47
Three children, 20, 10, and 8
Married for 22 years.
Dday #1- June 19, 2006
Dday #2- Aug. 1, 2006 (still in contact)
Posts: 134 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Montana
Member # 24735
| Posted: 5:01 PM, March 15th (Monday), 2010|
Mlp I am so sorry you are here. My story is similar. Found out H had a 3 month EA/PA March 2009. We had been M 25 years. He went NC. Through R I have discovered at least one other PA about 17 years ago (he disclosed) and suspect there were other OW. It is so hard to look back on your life and questions everything you have ever known. Question your own judgment. Other A just disclosed last month so I am new to that pain.
in our 40's
M 28 years, together 30 years
3 DSs (adult)
D-Day: 3/23/09, Major TT 2/10/10 5/24/10,10/30/10, & 12/12/10.
Inappropriate online conversations on my part- 10/2011
FOR FUCKS SAKE!
Posts: 2165 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: arialrose
Member # 27920
| Posted: 8:11 PM, March 15th (Monday), 2010|
My WW has admitted to six affairs over the course of the last 12 years. The longest was "just sex" and lasted over two years. Some of the others were just one night stands. About 5 years ago, she was on a medical humanitarian mission and fell "in love" with her translator. We were going through a rough patch in our marriage right then. I implicitly told her that if she didn't want to make our marriage work, that was the time to go our seperate ways and continue with our lives seperately. She said that wasn't what she wanted and that she was committed to our marriage. We now have 3-year old twins and she had a one night stand while at a meeting in late October. She followed that up with counseling a friend through his divorce and allowing that to develop into a PA.
F*ck my life. I now am going to face a life without the woman I love and without my family. I should have been smart enough to know that it was NEVER going to end!!
Posts: 285 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ New Member
Member # 25736
| Posted: 4:12 PM, March 16th (Tuesday), 2010|
My husband had a one night stand early in our marriage. I found out about it over 10 years later.
Less than a year ago, he admitted (while making love to me) that there "was this big girl...". And a few weeks later told me she wasn't the only one...it was more than two, but less than 12....REALLY???!!!
After a few weeks of him dangling a carrot in front of me that he was going to tell me all, I had finally had enough and threatened to tell everyone we knew, everyone who knew him, every dealer he works for, everyone at church, and our children just what pain he had inflicted on me. He then admitted to 7 OW. I wanted details, names, etc.
After a few months he finally gave them to me...but things just didn't add up...turns out he forgot that he had told me about one of them earlier, and then had to cover his tracks. I know he still hasn't disclosed all of them to me, and the phone records support that.
Liar's Motto: If at first you don't decieve, lie, lie again.
Since then I have been on such an emotional roller coaster. He has made some changes, not sure if they are long term or not. Just wondering if anyone out there has survived a similar situation with thier marriage intact--or am I just wasting my time beating a dead horse???
1st dday 05/25/09
M-44 years old
H-44 years old
You can't talk your way out of a situation you acted your way into.
A hard dick has no conscience.
Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Kansas
Member # 27936
| Posted: 2:30 PM, March 18th (Thursday), 2010|
I guess I belong here... I found out that DH paid multiple prostitutes from '05-'08... some two at a time...
I can't even begin to fathom how I can get through this...
Karma really is a bitch
DDay#3- the one where I discover his whores... 3/10
TT#1 (b/c he won't ever talk about it) 2/9/11
Moved out 4/1/11
Tentatively stepping back into "R" 6/9/11
Posts: 253 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Arizona
♀ New Member
Member # 28222
| Posted: 2:22 PM, April 17th (Saturday), 2010|
Unfortunately, this is another club I belong to that I wish I did not! My WS had sex with 4 OW over a 2 year period alternating among them. 2 he only saw twice and the other 2, 10-15 times during the 2 years. In all cases, money exchanged hands. These were not professional prostitutes but 2 of them he worked in the same building with (not anymore!) At least they were not romantic or emotional affairs, but still does not excuse him or makes it any easier to deal with.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2010
Member # 28352
| Posted: 4:33 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010|
my husband has had 3 PA that he has admitted to over the last 7 years. 3 women 7 encounters. I am sure that there are more.
Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: ca
Member # 28352
| Posted: 11:53 AM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010|
I think I already posted here. my husband has admitted so far to my best friend from when he and I first met 14 years ago (3 times) a girl he met in Seattle twice, his sister in law, his co worker twice,his friends wife's sister ONS, and I could be forgetting some. Just learned of the seattle girl and my friend a few days ago. Has anyone moved past all these multiple affairs and actually were able to remain married and be happy again? Please I need some insight.
Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: ca
♀ New Member
Member # 28222
| Posted: 3:02 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010|
Dear Betrayed: We are still working on our marriage and it is literally having to start over; learning to trust, learning to communicate, etc. It is a long and arduous journey and must be taken a little step at a time. It has been 3 months since D-Day and it is still fresh and raw in my mind. I am trying to get past the other women and focus on him and me getting our lives back together. It is hard as we live in a small town and I run the risk of seeing one or all of them at any given time. Once again, it is a slow process. If you want to save your marriage, start slow and work or rebuilding trust and most important TALK TO EACH OTHER...
Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2010
Member # 28352
| Posted: 4:15 PM, May 3rd (Monday), 2010|
thank you madandsad10, I appreciate you responding and reading my post.
Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: ca
Member # 27650
| Posted: 10:13 AM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010|
Hey look,another thread to join, I am so lucky!
Putrting aside all of the redflags I ignored or minimized, or allowed to be explained away over the years, I hope that I have learned something from this. While I am trying to R after the initial disclosures, I like to think that I will not tolerate a new (after DDay) A.
FWW appears to be doing much of the work that allowed her to respond inaapropriately when the conditions presented themselves.
It is my intent that if there is a next time there will be no thinking or healing, just an automatic 180 and filing for D.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:13 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
working on our marriage together
That was then, this is now.
Posts: 3267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Member # 24170
| Posted: 3:39 PM, May 4th (Tuesday), 2010|
I just want to say that this site has been a hugh help to me ... Just being able to vent and express myself without fear is wonderful. I too hope that there are people that have gone thru what I went thru adn made it out the otherside together and better then before. I tell myself everyday that I am a fool to want to still be with my H, but think that is we can only get thru this then we will have the rest of our lives to enjoy. Is it just stupid to think that can really happen?
“Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins.”
Me: BS - 36
Him: WS - 40
Married: 8 years...Together 12 yrs
Kid: SD - 14
Recent DDay: Dec 2, 2011 and again Oct 10, 2012
Posts: 165 | Registered: May 2009
Member # 23412
| Posted: 7:32 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday), 2010|
Been on SI awhile and just discovered this group. WS has had numerous ONS, and one 5 years A, one two year A. The 5 year A continued with phone contact periodically for about 15 years after last physical contact(That I know about) He also has kissed women, inappropriately touched women flirted with lots and lots of women and attempted to "connect" with numerous women. This includes our Goddaughter. IO still am finding out new info even two years since initial DDay.He seems sincerely remorseful. When look back on what he has done, I don't know why I am still in this M. We had been in R. I just found out that he kissed a client years ago(She kissed him and he let her per him) She texted him a pic and he called her back not knowing what it was. He deleted the text and he lied when asked about the text(I stumbled upon the text. He usually does not get texts nor does he know how to send them. I did not even suspect a woman. I thought it was a company that we were trying to contact about a pool part.)He admitted it was a woman several days later. He denied any physical contact then admitted a kiss. I called OW and she confirmed what he told me. However, he had several days to contact her and tell her what to say. So who knows. I can't trust him. I can't trust myself although I do seem to randomly find things so maybe my gut is not that bad after all. He seems remorseful."I was scared." "I promise I will tell you if something ever comes up again." He has promised this in the past. I can't trust him. Don't know how to live like this. Going to MC on Thursday. I think I need IC. Trying not to make decisions as I am hormonally imbalanced.(Just had hysterectomy)
So group, that is my current situation. We are still trying to work it out. I don't know what to do. Even if all is true he sent me back to dday1 and worse because I was trying to trust him after giving him a second chance.
me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids
multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage
Posts: 1043 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
|Topic Posts: 466|