Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Elliee (43220)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Multiple Affairs
thegreatwife
♀ Member
Member # 28119
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of your wayward spouses have a drug addiction?
Did any of them have more than one AP at a time?


Me - Faithful Spouse 44
Him - WS 44
Married - 20 yrs
Together - 25 years
D Day 12/30/09
EA/PA - 18 mos

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." But what truly matters is what *you* think." Dr. Seuss


Posts: 125 | Registered: Apr 2010
Herzschmerz
♀ Member
Member # 29805
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, I'm in this club too. There are at least 3 AP's, that I know of... (who knows if there have been others over the years that I just never learned of, and eventually died a "natural" death).

AP #1 - EA with a "friend" and coworker. We had been dating 3 years at that time. Lasted a few months.

AP #2 - "Sexting" with a girl he met online more than 13 years ago (before we met). She would text him about her sexual exploits with other men (not H though), and H became "intrigued" by her discussions of sex acts that I wouldn't do with him (and he says he wouldn't want to actually engage in either). He confessed to this one freely when I learned of AP #3. To my knowledge, he has ended that affair and cut her off permanently.

AP #3 - OEA with a girl he played video games with over the internet. Their EA lasted around 6 months before I caught him. He has been struggling to go NC with her. He stupidly thinks he can still be friends with her, and just go back to "how it was with her before the EA". But he does it in secret... which means he's still cheating! Hoping he wakes the eff up before I give up and leave.


Me: BS (32)
Him: FWS (32)
DDay 1: 06/04/10 | DDay 2: 10/02/10
OEA plus another texting EA
Together 15 yrs, married 4
One beautiful baby girl together

Fully in R! (and successful Retrouvaille "grads"!)


Posts: 403 | Registered: Oct 2010
lostwithoutyou
♀ Member
Member # 29053
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh....
7
7 is the magic number.

I just don't know how anyone could find the time!!
Looking back at dates, 3 of them overlapped. 3 OW plus me. That's a crowded room, let me tell you.

Good God... I just can't believe it although I know it's true.


Finally found peace.
Finally found myself.

It's been a long, rough road.
Glad there was a pot of gold.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: In an empire state of mind
Paper Roses
♀ Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found this thread. FWH had multiple E/A's and maybe(?) more. he is keeping some things to himself. at first he was open but as I became more and more angry he just decided it was not worth it to be open about things any longr.

Many woman over a period of 5 years. They were mostly not "significant" until the last one who he had a real affair (he says E/A only, I am not convinced).

I have not the "teeth" to insist upon the truth at this time but will do so in the future, I think.

How are you all?


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
DrtBoss
♀ Member
Member # 26638
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, October 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question: When and do the mind movies ever stop?

It seems that my H having been with so many other AP's that it makes it almost impossible for me to get past them. There are just so many women to have them about. Grrr!!!


Me: BW-42
Him: WS-39
Dday #1: 9/2/2009
Dday #2: 11/15/2009
Dday #3: 2/3/2012
6 OW
Separated/Divorcing: 2/3/2012

~ From my pain comes wisdom ~


Posts: 76 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
Paper Roses
♀ Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mind movies will get better after this first year has passed if H is remorseful and really stopped acting out..you know if he is for real.

If he is sincere, the first year is the worst, I think so you might have gotten through some ofthe worst but...some people have more PTSD than others.

Are you in IC? A good book is by ORTMAN, PostInfidelity Stress Disorder. I am five years out but had 2 d-days and a lot of TT and a lot of difficulty with H, but it is finally better, but still sometimes have nightmares. depends on a lot.


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
DrtBoss
♀ Member
Member # 26638
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for responding to my question Paper Roses.

No, I am not in IC any longer. Was for a while and reached a point where I felt comfortable quiting. Perhaps I need to reconsider that... .

My H has been extremely remorseful and is doing everything "right" (transparency, accountability for where he's at, etc), yet I still find myself struggling with mind movies and sometimes a lot of anger.

I will look for the book that you've suggested and see if it can help shed some light. I know the greatest healer is TIME, but just wanted to see if what I'm experiencing is still within the "normal" range...if there is such a thing.

Again, thanks for your response.


Me: BW-42
Him: WS-39
Dday #1: 9/2/2009
Dday #2: 11/15/2009
Dday #3: 2/3/2012
6 OW
Separated/Divorcing: 2/3/2012

~ From my pain comes wisdom ~


Posts: 76 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
ArialRose
♀ Member
Member # 24735
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, November 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out on 10/30/10-1 week ago that my H has been cheating our entire M. He disclosed in a drunken jealous rage saying it was because I am such a bitch. He has since retracted the disclosure, doesn't remember saying it (blackout) and that it is not true.


He did recently admit to another ONS about 17 years ago..I was pregnant with our 3rd son.

It has only been a week and I feel like I don't care about ant of them. I am numb. I am not angry or hurt like dday 1.

Maybe that will change but I am not sure that I can even attempt to R right now. I am just in a holding pattern and he is trying to show me he has changed and gets it. Not likely.


ArialRose-BS
in our 40's
M 28 years, together 30 years
3 DSs (adult)
D-Day: 3/23/09, Major TT 2/10/10 5/24/10,10/30/10, & 12/12/10.
Inappropriate online conversations on my part- 10/2011

FOR FUCKS SAKE!


Posts: 2165 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: arialrose
Nemesis0613
♀ New Member
Member # 30134
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, November 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suspected Fall 09 something not right when he forgot to log out of his partition on computer and found a profile on tagged.com. Confronted him. Told me was just like FB only lesser known. (Really how dumb do you think I am?). Told him didn't trust him and wouldn't. Nagged him to death about separate partitions on computers, he finally took password off his. Thought he had buried his shit deep enough in folders.

April started searching in earnest took until July to find everything I felt was enough to confront with.
I recovered the "c" drive to find everything that was deleted, downloaded and de-coded the Yahoo IM archives. Figured out the security question answers to 1 of 2 email accounts. Found emails, IM's, pictures, Opened every folder and found everything.

Hit him between the eyes with it July 18th 2010.

I then proceeded to email all of the OW's and introduce them to each other and I introduced myself as the cold-hearted bitch that he was was forced to put up with. Wanted them all to know he wasn't that "lonely" as he had so many "friends" he was being kept company by. Oh and hacked the cell phone as well although couldn't get into the voice mail and text messages. But #'s were stored from and to.
Made him cancel email account, get new cell phone and #. Made him delete everything off computer, Delete all profiles, etc. Took until recently for all of this to happen. He kept dragging his feet. Felt he was doing enough..etc, TT on and off. Kept digging because 1+1 didn't =2.

Couldn't understand and still doesn't really why I need to talk about A. Why I need details etc. Of course it's my fault I was cold, our relationship etc. Well WTF I was in same exact relationship...I didn't cheat.

Recently found more IM archives but couldn't de-code them they were corrupt files on old computer but were from 05 & 06. So this has been going on for most of the time we've been married.
He says no sex, only fondling, kissing, talking etc...YEA RIGHT!
Really, is that ALL it was?!!

He says he's trying. I see some changes but not enough for me to start believing again. And why am I now all of a sudden so special and not the Demon spawn from hell that I have been ?

I doubt everything especially my own judgement. I trigger constantly, at this point the sadness is almost gone and have just been mad as hell, I wake up some days just wanting to spit nails and shit razor wire.
I've lost 20lbs, I've had a bad case of shingles, not to mention the tension headaches and stomach issues from the stress.
I snap at my poor DS sometimes and have almost no patience. I feel like shit after I holler at him. we have tried to keep things from him but it's hard in an apartment,
DD is at College out of state and has thankfully been spared the drama.
Thank goodness I am employed and like my job or I would have lost my mind without it.

I'm sure I forgot a lot but ask away if you want more info.

P.S. My brain will run way ahead of my fingers so I may edit a lot.


Me-BS 40
Him-WS 45
Married 8yrs
DS-6 (ours)
DD-18 (mine)
DDay-07/18/10
5OW - PA's over 2 1/2yrs (that I know of) many before that I don't since 2003
Many others for Cybersex, chat,phone sex.
___________________________________
There

Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: New England
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Nemesis))))

Hugs to you. It sounds like your WS is still defensive and blaming everyone else but himself. Please read up on the 180. Please know that your husband is trying to avoid the deep shame he is feeling about having to set up a profile for himself on Tagged: issues of pride, shame, self-dislike must all be at play. But they are his issues and you are not his mother. Now it is really important for you to detach and realise he was trying to fill a void, (literally that - an absence of self) in himself, and that nothing you could have done would have filled that. Focus now on what you want from your life, and who you want to be. It is of course important for all of us BSs to try to walk a mile in our WS's shoes (not literally) to try to 'understand' and accept. But that understanding is their job, only they can do it. Your WS does not yet realise how much he 'effed' up something precious - himself, as well as your M; for now, you can only be precious to yourself, and for yourself: his actions, now, and then, do not define you - YOU define you. Day by day, one step at a time. YOU are still there, even in absolute darkness, you and all your senses and you can breathe, and you can even sing. And you can listen. Listen well, you can learn many things.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Chestersmom
♀ New Member
Member # 30273
Frustrated  Posted: 11:29 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying a R with my WH - he had his first A 20 years ago, which I found out and thought it was just a huge mistake and it took 2 years to get balanced again. But this past year, first D-day 2-5, thought it had lasted 2 years; 2nd D-day Aug. 2010, found out it had lasted 10 years plus 11 others over the course of our 40 yr. relationship; 7 ONS, 2 2NS, and 2 4-9 month relationships in addition to the recent 10 year one. He's done everything by the book - terrible remorse, answering Q's, counseling, promising to change, etc. Has been an overall good husband and father. I am wracked with indecision. Have always loved this man. So - he's doing all he can, but due to this horrible history, how can I ever trust again??? Anyone in a similar situation?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ohio
sootired
♂ Member
Member # 22952
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, December 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been browsing thru the posts and can say I am very surprised that there are so few men. there must be some odd reason why that a shrink could explain

My WW has had at least 2 PAs that she admits to (because I caught her)and tends to confuse friendships and EAs. I spent waayyyy too much time putting out fires and decided it was not worth it. We are still married, but only because she is classic cake eater, text book in fact and I can't bare to hurt my kid and since my lawyer told me I would never get them unless she gives them up, I am temporarily stuck in limbo. In a way I don't mind, my life is richin other ways and my kids deserve a chance at happiness, so I can put mine on hold for a while.
Don't be afraid to reach out when you need help, I used to be, but it is better to have support.


Me 42 BH
Her 35 WW-15 month EA followed by ONS(so she says) with another
seem to be in full R (i hope)
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 realize it was False R all along
2011 cautiously in R

Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow


Posts: 385 | Registered: Feb 2009
Charis_Grace
♀ New Member
Member # 30400
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out on July 1st and the subsequent days that WH was never faithful during our short husband and had at least (admitted to) 5 SA and numerous EA. Trickling truth went on until about September and I have only recently seen true remorse (or at least what looks like it) and changes in his behavior. I dont know what was worse- that my life was a lie and he's been with at least FIVE women, that he treated me like I was scum and I always thought our marital troubles were my fault, or the TT even after he was found out.

We have been separated since the discovery and in MC with a very wise and helpful nouthetic counselor. I have my ups and downs and some days reconciliation seems possible and others it doesnt. Its definitely a rollercoaster of emotions and I wish it could just be more clear whether or not I should reconcile. The problem for me is, even if he legitimately changes and becomes the man I thought I had and who I need and want, can I go back to the relationship knowing what I know?


BS: 26
WH: 27
Married for 3, together for 8 total
Dday #1: 7/1/10 #2: 7/2/10 #3: 8/4/10 #4: 9/10
Admitted to 5 PA, numerous EA
TT until December 2010
S but Im healing
Not sure about R yet
"Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom"

Posts: 28 | Registered: Dec 2010
Hurtful1973
♀ New Member
Member # 30401
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Married for 7 yrs and my husband has had MA and 2 babies along with these women. In 2006 I found out he had and A we R and things were just great. Then only to find out later he had a child with another woman so it was two. We went throught a lengthy R process but we made it. I though life was just wonderful. Then just 4 weeeks to today he sit me down and told me had had a 6 month old by the woman he had an A with in 2006 and I'm thinking it may be more A I don't know about. I have wanted children and got off BC immediately after getting married. It makes me mad he can have these children and I couldn't have one. The sad part I still love him but I knows its over. I can't deal with this again. I thought life was good. I thought we were happy. He still wants his marriage to work but wants to give me space.


M-7yrs (T-15yrs)
BW-37
CH-38
No children
D-Day 1st A-05 then off/on yrs OC 6 mo ago
D-Day-2A 07 & OC-08

"Pain if inevitable but Misery is a choice"


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurt_wife
♀ New Member
Member # 30414
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New to the board and haven't posted my story on my profile yet but I thought I'd post here. My WH has only had one PA but there was a lot of TT to it and have been a lot of incidences of online dating sites, porn, FB and myspace messages to women, texting and calls on his phone and more. I think it's finally sunk into him that all of it is wrong!!! and we're trying to R. I just wonder sometimes if it's already happened more than once what will finally make it stop.


Me (BS) married to Him (WH) for 5 years, together 7

Two beautiful kids with a third on the way

1 PA, numerous online incidents


Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2010
mc2010
♀ Member
Member # 29939
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, January 11th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO cheated on me with 6 different women physically, that I know of. And who knows how many he was sexting with. Of the six, he slept with four and only fooled around with two. I had a feeling in my gut that he was fucking around, but I thought it had more to do with past relationships where I've been cheated on and when I would bring up these feelings he would make me feel crazy and even told me "we are better than this insecure needy relationship that this has turned into." If I had only known! Anyways he left his email open one day and I looked through it, found naked pics of women and couldn't bring myself to look anymore. When he got home I said "I'm going to give you a chance to confess." He said ok, told me to sit down and couldn't bring himself to say anything. So I just said "you're cheating on me, aren't you." And from there he pretty much spilled the beans. He agreed to NC right away and the rest of the "deal" (transparency, MC, etc.) within the next week. So far things seem to be going well, but only time will tell.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Washington
uniquenewyork
♂ Member
Member # 30811
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my W cheated on me while we were engaged. It was an EA/PA, but I don't know if they ever had sex. We managed to patch things up and we got married. Fast forward a few years. At one point she tells me that her former work partner (with whom she had a falling out and they were now enemies) was threatening to come to me with information about her "fling" with a guy at a conference. Apparently nothing happened, but she was very interested, and she had said something to that effect her her partner at this conference. His take was that he had to talk her out of having that affair. She didn't see it that way.
FF another year. I find out she's been having an affair with a guy for about 8 months. FF to last Sept. (2010), and I find that she is having an EA with her now work partner. (Don't know about PA).
So, am I stupid or what?


Me(BS): 44/Her(WS): 43
S:11,D:8,D:6
Affair with OM#1 before we were married.
Couple day fling w/ OM#2
Me as a WS: late '07-early '08.
EA/PA with OM#3: 2/16/09 (many D-days after, broken NC.)
EA/PA with OM#4: Found September '10; PA

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
uniquenewyork
♂ Member
Member # 30811
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my W cheated on me while we were engaged. It was an EA/PA, but I don't know if they ever had sex. We managed to patch things up and we got married. Fast forward a few years. At one point she tells me that her former work partner (with whom she had a falling out and they were now enemies) was threatening to come to me with information about her "fling" with a guy at a conference. Apparently nothing happened, but she was very interested, and she had said something to that effect her her partner at this conference. His take was that he had to talk her out of having that affair. She didn't see it that way.
FF another year. I find out she's been having an affair with a guy for about 8 months. FF to last Sept. (2010), and I find that she is having an EA with her now work partner. (Don't know about PA).
So, am I stupid or what? How many more have there been?


Me(BS): 44/Her(WS): 43
S:11,D:8,D:6
Affair with OM#1 before we were married.
Couple day fling w/ OM#2
Me as a WS: late '07-early '08.
EA/PA with OM#3: 2/16/09 (many D-days after, broken NC.)
EA/PA with OM#4: Found September '10; PA

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I count 4 that you know of. Who knows howmany other times she reached out to others? Until she finds out why she percieives a need for her A's they will likely continue. Why does she have poor bondaries, why does she need external validation. Has she had any IC to work on these issues?

What are you willing to accept?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
uniquenewyork
♂ Member
Member # 30811
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, February 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know--4--that I know of. She told me last week that she was going to seek out IC for her drinking problem. So far, she hasn't made the call...
I am not willing to accept any more. I am not sure that I can accept what has already taken place.


Me(BS): 44/Her(WS): 43
S:11,D:8,D:6
Affair with OM#1 before we were married.
Couple day fling w/ OM#2
Me as a WS: late '07-early '08.
EA/PA with OM#3: 2/16/09 (many D-days after, broken NC.)
EA/PA with OM#4: Found September '10; PA

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
Topic Posts: 497
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.