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User
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Topic: Multiple Affairs
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EnyaOdin
♀ Member
Member # 30699 |  Posted: 9:13 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012 |     |
Sadly it looks like I belong here as well. If you want to know the first part of my story please read it in my profile. I just found out last week that I am pregnant and my WF had a double betrayal going on at the same time. I am now 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant and so stressed and scared. Here is what happened since last fall. WF and his ex, in October, had an emotional affair. I found this out in January. At the same time he was having another emotional affair with a woman he worked with. When I found out about his ex through his ex's mom he promised me he would try. And he seemed too. I had no idea about the second affiar going on. Then mid February I started to get pregnancy symptoms. We have had 5 miscarriages over the past2 years so I was worried and scared and stressed. He told me he suspected I could be pregnant and acted all happy. A few days later while I was making dinner he told me he was no longer in love with me. I was shocked. At first he said there was no one else but then admitted to having another affiar. He said he was in love with her. I demanded to talk to her. He called her and told me that if she didn't want to talk then I would not get the phone. But she did want to talk. And I quickly learned and so did she that he had lied to both of us. She told him it was over. She never wanted to see him agian. Within 24 hours he told me knew he was in love with me and was scared of his feelings. We found out for sure that I was pregnant the next day.
In January of 2011 he was diagnosed as being borderline personality disorder. We learned that basically the way he sees things is he tries to surround himself with people or events that will confirm to him that he is a bad person because that is how he sees himself. And that when he knows someone is healthy for him or someone truely loves him then he will do all he can to destroy that since it is too scary to handle the unknown. If not for the diagnoses I would be gone. But I also suffer from mental illness (post Tramatic Stress Disorder from a rape, Bipolar - low scale, agoraphobia and anxiety/panic disorder). If I expect him to accept me with my mentle health issues then I sould stand by him as he tries to over come his.
All on his own last week he quit the job he works at where he worked with the other woman. He then went out and bought a wedding ring to wear on his finger. All his choices. He says that this will remind him that he is taken and show other women that as well. He has also be talking more and listening more and has been b\very concerned about how I am feeling both physcially and mentally.
I don't know why I am posting other then I feel very alone right now, very stressed and very scared. I know I love him. As long as he wants to try then so do I. I know what it is like to be udge and deserted by people you trusted when they learn about your mental illness. I just don't know what else to do. I just feel lost and alone.
Me - 36 -BF
WF - 43
dd1- 04/10 PA, dd2- 06/10 EA, dd3- 07/10 PA, dd4- 09/10 EA, dd5- o5/11 EA, dd6- 01/12 EA, dd7- 02/12 EA & PA.
He is a Serial Cheater.
We are expecting soon.
Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada |
acompletemess
♀ Member
Member # 31119 | | Posted: 12:29 AM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012 | |
Until I was in this situation I always thought that if I was ever cheated on, even once, I would kick his a$$ out and that would be it. Now that I KNOW that I have been cheated on repeatedly I don't understand why I am still here giving my FWH a second chance. I wonder if I am just being a doormat. Prior to D Day, If someone else told me a story like mine, I would think them crazy to stay in the M. I'm asking myself if I can still have self respect if I stay. Maybe this is why I'm in this mess because I'm too much of a doormat. I just don't know anymore.
I am 2 years from dday and this is exactly what I keep thinking. I just don't know if I can ever recover from this. I have stayed because despite everything WH has done I do still love him. I also can't bring myself to explain leaving to my kids. They are in their twenties so they are old enough to understand but they are also at the age of getting into serious relationships and wanting a marriage that "lasts a lifetime" like they think their parents have. I just don't have it in me to crush that dream. 
DDay 03/01/2010
Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Texas |
Broken hearted61
♀ Member
Member # 34931 | | Posted: 6:09 PM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
I am also, unfortunately, very new to all this as well. Thought it was only one affair partner off and on thru out our whole relationship. I am positive that one is over. That was 23 Feb I found out. Yesterday I find evidence of many more during the same time period, all seem to be over except the one great love. He told me today he ended that part of the relationship but not sure he can cut all ties. Still wondering what is going to happen. But I do know I love him and am hoping he pulls his head out of his ass.
Edited for typos
[This message edited by Broken hearted61 at 6:10 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)]
BGF (50) me
WBF (50) him
DD#1 02/23/2012
TT 03/19/2012
Working on R (03/21/2012)
It's over: 5/5/12
Posts: 211 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest |
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912 | | Posted: 6:59 PM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Brokenhearted61
Sorry you find yourself here. I read your profile. It must make your situation that much more difficult that it is a long distance relationship.
The extent of my FWH's betrayal and the length of time it went on make me wonder if I will ever be able to put it behind me. I also wonder if it's even possible for him to change after acting out consistently for most of our M.
All I know for sure is it sucks to be in this situation.
Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,
Posts: 215 | Registered: Jul 2011 |
Broken hearted61
♀ Member
Member # 34931 | | Posted: 5:56 PM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Notmetoo2011,
thanks for your reply. It means a lot to me that so many have responded to my pain.
I read a post today: Girl...don't let that affair control your life..
It gave me a bit of courage to know that I don't have to let this ruin my life. It is a long distance romance and we are not married. Maybe I am the biggest fool that has ever walked this earth, but my heart says it isn't time to throw in the towel.
I like the above message cause it is really my choice. All I have to do is leave and get on with my life. It is the same like I have when I am in my own home, in my own city. Only thing that connects us together is web, texts, phone. I still have to fill my days.
I hope you find some peace today. Hugs.
BGF (50) me
WBF (50) him
DD#1 02/23/2012
TT 03/19/2012
Working on R (03/21/2012)
It's over: 5/5/12
Posts: 211 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest |
FrozenTear
♀ Member
Member # 32680 | | Posted: 4:15 AM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012 | |
There were 5 DDs with my WH and we have been together 4 1/2years but he has really seemed to turn around the last 9 months but due to the A being with people and included places we usually went, it still has me in limbo if I could continue a life with him.
The down side mostly with not being able to trust him is that it seems to take time to regain balance and trust would hinder so many plans and add just as much stress on other fronts then it would relieve on the issues at hand.
BS (me/wife)
WS (husband)
Last DD (12/14/2010)
Together since Dec, 19th 2006
"Chaos begins to multiply, exponential memories overide my sympathies."
Posts: 163 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: USA |
Chicho
♂ Member
Member # 36622 | | Posted: 6:19 AM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Yep, I belong here too. There hasn't been a post here in a while so I thought I would revive it.
At DDay I caught my fWS in the middle of an A that she insisted was only EA. After 10 months of questions and TT it finally all came out. There was a PA 10 months into our relationship. Two 2 1/2 year EA, one with a little PA. and an intense 2 month PA last fall when I caught her. Mixed in there were also a few drug relapses, maxed out secret credit cards, and job firings for stealing. Using one to cover up the shame of the last. It was a domino effect.
We have only been together 6 years. The only times she has not had someone else on the side was the first 10 months of our relationship and the last 10 months we have been in R. Sometimes I find this so overwhelming. I feel like our R is trying to build a castle on quicksand.
One thing that helps is looking at everything as one long situation. The root causes of all of them were the same. Those behaviors and their root causes were there long before I was. At some point in her life she was broken and needs learn how to heal. [This message edited by Chicho at 1:21 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]
BS 38
fWS 35 (broevil)
DD12 DS3
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
In R and Getting Better Every Day
"Knowing is half the battle"
Posts: 879 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: PA |
orchidsoul
♀ New Member
Member # 36110 | | Posted: 1:37 PM, October 31st (Wednesday), 2012 | |
And another member.
The jist:
BF and I have been officially together since New Years 2011. He's been a friend of mine for 15yrs, he had recently divorced, and we reconnected in a different way. He quickly became my greatest love in life. We had an incredible relationship, or so I thought. In March of 2012 we moved in together into a home I bought, with a room for his daughter. By May, I discovered he had cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. Each week I found out more between my sleuth detective skills and his confessions. TT ended by the end of May, and it was far worse than I ever could have imagined.
He cheated on me our entire relationship, with the last physical contact being a kiss goodbye to his ex girlfriend 3 days before we closed on the house. But in April he was still trying to meet up with people. We had lived together for 2 months at this time.
Like many others, until in this situation, I would have never thought I'd put up with it. Trying to figure out how to ever accept it.
Posts: 34 | Registered: Jul 2012 |
orchidsoul
♀ New Member
Member # 36110 | | Posted: 1:40 PM, October 31st (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Chicho- i really feel your same pain.
Aside from our 5 mos post dday, I didn't have a moment in our relationship where there wasn't cheating or attempts at cheating. It makes it really hard to move forward because I don't have 'the good years' to hold onto :/
Posts: 34 | Registered: Jul 2012 |
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912 | | Posted: 6:47 AM, November 1st (Thursday), 2012 | |
Orchidsoul
Sorry you are here.
Was infidelity the reason your BF's marriage ended in D? Just wondering if cheating has been a pattern throughout his life. It sounds like compulsive behaviour especially if he has been doing this throughout your relationship. He should be evaluated for sex addiction.
As far as moving forward, you don't have to make any drastic decisions right away. First and foremost, is your BF remorseful and being open and honest with you? Do you have access to his email accounts, FB and such? Are you in IC?
I am 15 months out from DDay and still in limbo. My WH is a SA who cheated on me throughout our 25 year marriage. I never suspected a thing. I thought we were soul mates. It is incredibly hard to recover from. A lot of the reason I am still in the M is because of the years of history we have together and our kids. I think I would have been less inclined to try and R if we had only been together a short time. As it is, I still don't know if I can get past what he has done, and I know I will never trust him again. I'm not sure I can live the rest of my life this way.
I guess ultimately you have to ask yourself if your life is would be better with or without him.
Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,
Posts: 215 | Registered: Jul 2011 |
mommy22
♀ New Member
Member # 25962 | | Posted: 12:19 PM, November 5th (Monday), 2012 | |
I'm looking for people who can relate. I feel alone out here. My WH has had multiple affairs and just a few days ago I found out he broke NC with the last OW that he had a several month PA with three years ago. When do you call it quits? Can someone with this history stop? He says he will do anything and everything to. Keep our marriage together and yet here we are again. He's said all of this before. I have two young beautiful children and I feel so heartbroken and helpless. His words mean nothing to me. I don't know what to do. What makes someone keep screwing up repeatedly when they have so much to lose?[This message edited by mommy22 at 12:21 PM, November 5th (Monday)]
Me-BS
DS- 4ys
DD- 1yr
Posts: 47 | Registered: Oct 2009 |
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912 | | Posted: 1:01 PM, November 5th (Monday), 2012 | |
(((mommy22)))
I really don't have any words of wisdom but I wanted you to know you have been heard and you are not alone.
My SAWH also had multiple As over the course of our M. I never suspected until I found out on DDay. I have told him if he has any slips or cheats again we are done. I hope that if this happens I will be strong enough to keep to my word and kick him to the curb, but I realize that you never know until you are in that situation yourself.
My only advice would be you have to decide when enough is enough for you. Is breaking NC a deal breaker for you? You have been in this situation before, only you can decide whether you want to continue. Hang in there. Are you in MC or IC. Just remember "it stops when you say it does".
Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,
Posts: 215 | Registered: Jul 2011 |
sodeeplysaddened
♀ Member
Member # 26709 | | Posted: 3:25 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
Just kind of wondering, what is the difference in the ICR threads from SA to multiple affairs? (Trying to figure out the best place for me.)
thanks!
WH - 49
BS - 47 (me)
dday1 - 11/16/09
dday2 - 12/1/09
dday3 - 1/13/10
Dday 4 -10/21/12 - trolling Craigslist again
married 15 years, 2 kids: 10 DD, 11 DS
On the long, lonely road to D - or maybe not, one last try (I hope)
Posts: 235 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: attempting to R?? nope, he killed this. |
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484 | | Posted: 3:42 PM, November 7th (Wednesday), 2012 | |
sodeeplysaddened - I think there is a difference between serial cheaters and sex addicts...I am not sure how to differentiate them however, but there is a difference. I think my WH is a serial cheater but also has some SA tendencies, but not a full SA.
SA's have a complusiveness to their sexually acting out. It's like a drug for them and they do more and more acting out to receive the same "high". It's really hard for them to stop. Now I think people also get a high from a general affair (the fog) but the complusiveness and repeativeness nature is different. I guess post on the SA thread too and see what folks have to say.
BS - Me, 40 years old SAHM
WS - Husband, 42 years old serial cheater - SA dx in March 2013
T-19, M-17 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - 6 OW just this past year!!! Really?
Most recent DDAy 9/30/12 went undergroud until 1/13
DS 11(
Posts: 716 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia |
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038 | | Posted: 11:20 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012 | |
My story in a nutshell: 1st time I found out there was 2 OW's. 1 affair resulted in OC. After 4 years of false R he is chearting again this time with a 19 year old....He is 41  I am so disgusted by this. Considering D.
ME:BS Him:WS
married 10 years 1 child
D-Day: Thanksgiving'08(2OW's)
"I'm telling you now, I ain't going back to the pain. Been down on my knees I learned how to bleed, I'm turning my life around. Can I be Happy Now?" JBJ
Posts: 1291 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be |
stillstrong
♀ Member
Member # 36144 | | Posted: 12:51 PM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012 | |
I'm so sorry Chandler. I was where you are back in Jan-Feb. I chose to stay but he refused to change so I left.
You have a long road ahead, but I believe, based on my own similar experience, that you will be stronger this time around. (((Chandler)))
Me BS 46
Him WS 50
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13
*That awkward moment when you hear the traits of a psychopath and recognize your husband*
Posts: 790 | Registered: Jul 2012 |
orchidsoul
♀ New Member
Member # 36110 | | Posted: 9:41 AM, November 12th (Monday), 2012 | |
Hi Notmetoo,
No, infidelity wasn't the reason for the ending of the marriage. I'm not sure whether or not it's a pattern from before- he says it's not and that it was more him going crazy for various reasons after the divorce. I do think perhaps it became a slight addiction while he was with me.
He just began counseling, I am not in counseling yet. I'm not per se in a rush to make a decision, but I need to make one because I can't be in limbo forever. He is extremely remorseful, doing a lot right, but also would rather move forward than deal with the aftermath. He's been relatively open and honest, I have all account info, etc but he's messed up a few times in basic rebuilding of trust. Sadly, I'll eventually have to make a decision I just hope he can influence it a little more.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Is your Husband getting the help he needs? Yes, history plays a big part. Likewise, I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again and that's no way I can live my life either :/ In the short time we have been together, I thought of him as my soul mate too. It sure would have been easier if I didn't think we had the greatest relationship in the world...
I hope all works out as you desire in your relationship.
Posts: 34 | Registered: Jul 2012 |
Faithfulone07
♀ New Member
Member # 37470 | | Posted: 9:28 PM, November 12th (Monday), 2012 | |
It is very sad to me that there are so many of us that are in the same horrible situations. I too belong with you ladies. I found out just over a year ago that my husband of 17 years was cheating on me with at least 2 OW. I thought he was my best friend and soul mate. He did so many hurtful things. Things that I never imagined he was capable of doing. Can someone really love you if they can have Facebook sex with the OW with you sitting in the same room with them?? He says that he loves me and does not want that lifestyle, but his actions do not line up with his words. I have given him every opportunity to make it right and I continue to catch him lying about things. All the while he denies the lies (even when I show him proof) and says he will do anything to save the marriage. He will not delete his Facebook, has changed his password again, has a secret email account, still texts and calls other women, and so on..... When he is around me and in our community he acts like nothing is wrong, still talks like we are together and expects me and my friends and family to still treat him the same. I have told him that it is over, but he still tries to call and ask about my day or asks if I want to go to a movie or dinner. I will be filing for divorce very soon. I am just left in a state of shock, not only that he could do all of the awful things that he has done but that he just acts like there is nothing wrong and thinks everything should still be the same. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
B.Taylor
Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Texas |
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912 | | Posted: 3:27 AM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Faithfulone07
So sorry you are here. It sounds like your WH is still "in the fog" with respect to his As and behaviour. Check out The Healing Library on the home page for some articles that may help you. As you have already separated from your WH and are planning on moving toward D I would go NC with him.
Are you seeing an IC? They can help you sort through your pain and help you on the path to recovery.
(((hugs)))
Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,
Posts: 215 | Registered: Jul 2011 |
TarnishedSilver
♀ Member
Member # 37166 | | Posted: 8:07 AM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012 | |
Count me in as well. My WH had A's the first 10 years we were together.
I find myself having a hard time dealing with the fact they happened, many people knew and I had no idea! Was I that stupid?
You can read my story on my profile!
Me-BS
Him-WH
Married 25 years
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012
R and working on trusting again
Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA |
| Topic Posts: 469 | |
