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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Multiple Affairs
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TS, you weren't stupid, you trusted the one person who should have never betrayed you. There's nothing stupid with that; whats stupid is him betraying that trust for a cheap piece of tail.

And, as you know, this crap isn't uncommon in the military. There must have been 60+ people who knew what my WH was doing and I saw all of them on a fairly regular basis. Never a word from one of them, because in their minds they what happened on deployment stayed on deployment. I wish I could see one of them just one more time so I could spit in their face.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 988 | Registered: Jul 2012
shawnh21112
♂ New Member
Member # 36919
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, November 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same here HerBlondness!


BH-45
WW-43 si username (melhav)

Dday #1 4/26/12 & too many to count since

A#1 PA with coworker (10 months)
A#2 EA with coworker (long distance)
A#3 PA with coworker (three months)
A#4 PA with coworker (?? 2 months)
A#5 PA with boss (9+m


Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: San Diego, CA
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I join? My WH has had multiple A's/inpropper boundaries for the last 9 years.

I also wonder why I cannot walk away yet. I feel so humiliated that I always say "If this happens again then..." Then what? I end up staying

This is the first time I have threatened divorce, leaving, not caring about leaving, and digging a trench of a boundary.

I just always feel like WH has the last laugh because he is able to reel me back in. Difference this time is that I had a nervous breakdown from this last A, not that it matters.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:54 PM, November 16th (Friday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Faithfulone07
♀ New Member
Member # 37470
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, November 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notmetoo2011,
Thanks for the reply. I did find some help in the resources. I think you are correct about the NC rule.

I have been in IC for over a year. It helps but there are still things that she can't really understand.


B.Taylor

Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Texas
zanglover
♀ Member
Member # 36786
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, November 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My douche stbxh has had lord knows how many affairs. One EA that has lasted for at least 4 years. He has admitted to 5 PAs. I put him out the day i found out. He has shown no regret, remorse, or empathy. I realize he is a textbook psycopath. but for some reason i just cant wrap my mind around the fact that there are really people like this!
He's been gone 2 months.
so created a fake profile on the dating site i caught him on to see if he was up to his old tricks. Sad to say he was - asking the fake me for sex almost immediately. I asked him did he have a girlfriend he said no he was single but had a f--k buddy and gave her name. This is someone new he had not previously admitted to. Ahhhh the hurt is renewed yet again.
Can't wait to D and move on. He already thinks he's single so I can't wait to be as unmarried as he already obviously is.
All of the cheating he did was while I was pregnant... Go figure.
I'm due any day now with twins and he can't even send a text to check on my well being. But his status on the dating site shows that he is constantly online. Just trolling for sex...
How very very sad.


Him: "You're taking everything from me!"
Me: "Awww... Poor baby! You should have kept it in your pants!"
- Zan Glover

Posts: 65 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Tennessee
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, November 24th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

zanglover

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I can't imagine what kind of a lowlife scumbag would not even check up on his wife when she is about to give birth to his babies. He sounds like he might have some characteristics of SA.

Good for you having the strength to kick him out. You are sooo much better off without him especially as he is showing no signs of remorse or any attempt to change his behavior. Have you considered some IC to help you deal with the pain and emotions you're feeling, and to help you heal? Do you have some family or friends who can give you help and support when your twins are born?

For now, focus on staying strong and taking care of yourself and your babies.

(((zanglover)))


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
TarnishedSilver
♀ Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, November 25th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dameia, I would look at the BW that had WH's and I would feel so sorry for them. My WH had a loyal group of friends, thats for sure.
But on some deployments he didn't even try and hide it, so I wonder just how many people knew and didn't say anything?

I know for me finding out about all this at once, or in a 1 1/2 year period has left a hole in my heart.
I do love my WH. I have loved him for 30 years, that is hard to just stop loving the person you have been with that long, that never showed me that side of him.
He was always loving, caring, and treated me well. To find out how disrespectful this man was to me is a shock.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
16forever
♀ Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I posted this in another forum but I was told I could get a better answer here so me and my ws were talking about A stuff one day he has multiple A's we were talking about the last one were he said he was in love moved out to be with her blah blah anyway he is home now n we are doing ok but the other a's were 10hookers in the first yrs of our marriage he changes it to the hookers n tells me the last time he was with one he came home took a hot shower and when it was cold he made himself wash I have to say it made me feel bad for him he carried the guilt of the hookers for ten yrs after the last one before telling ya that kinda changes how u viewed ur marriage after finding that out but I also don't get it if u felt so bad and ashamed why do it 10 times I don't understand that anyway WS that can help me understand this plz


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 174 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
TarnishedSilver
♀ Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

16forever,
I wish I could help you but I am going through the same situation right now.
He says he was a different person back then, when he had all his A's.
He has changed over the past 18 years and I can see.

My IC invited my WH to come in with me and he did. We had been both questioning WHY the A's happened, my IC said lets focus on the turning point of his change.
What made him stop the infidelity? What did he do to change.

His answers were starting a family, and distancing himself from the temptation and situations that could lead back to infidelity.

I am trying to heal myself and when the times come when I do feel for him, I remind to be kind with my words but remember he needs to heal himself as well.

Good luck!


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
16forever
♀ Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you tarnishdsilver
I know the outing of all the A's in march 2012 he has changed after almost losing me n the kids his choice he served me actual divorce papers he wanted her n not me they were never signed cuz he came back to me but will the change last what if sex gets vanilla again his words not mine n his reason for the hookers I guess I never thought this would be me and how could he risk my health or or kids to sleep with dirty hookers do u ever feel safe again or sure u are really the one he wants (I don't now)my heart breaks when I see him look at other women he doesn't now I see it I know men look but it adds to my not enough feelings how do I know he won't leave again he left me twice and the pain was unbearable then finding out about hookers while he is telling me he loved her ughhh does anything they say while in the fog have any truth cuz during it I would say its not true but now thinking bout the words said I think sum might be true especially the part were he told me he never fully gave me his heart ,ouch that hurt n the actions in my mind back it up I guess when the affair is going on ur just caught up in just getting them back that u don't know what's ahead and u just say no biggie I will deal but then the dust settles and all I hear in my had is how he loved her and not me


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 174 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
Trusttrusttrust
♀ Member
Member # 37694
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, December 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has had 2 A's and one prostitute. He tells me about the paid one and says it is because he thought he was impotent. We both thought he was impotent and it turns out he is not! He keeps justifying the A and I do not feel he has taken responsibility for any of it. Now I am supposed to have sex with him? Really? As I stated in another post, he thinks I should be further alone than I am. D-day was September 3, 2012. Will I ever get over this?


Married 31 years
D-Day Sept 3, 2012
I thought we were in R. Now I am not sure.
Second D-Day August 5' 2013
No kids

Posts: 97 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
TarnishedSilver
♀ Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, December 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes time..my WH feels the same way. I know one thing I will not do..bury my feelings.

I hope you get support from family, friends and here!


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too belong in this group. 7 sexual A's and 1 with heavy making out and trying to find places/time for sex but supposedly didn't but they said ILY. Seems like it is so hard to get past 8 A's.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
toughcookie
♀ New Member
Member # 37449
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same as crazyblindsided.....
Everytime I learned of something, I said, if it ever happens again, I will leave him. If again, I will do etc. I never had the guts to do it.
Finally, I just had the guts to say to myself, it is ok to be divorced. I still love him and will miss him, but I deserve better than this. I was tired of crying a lot and all the stress of dealing with his affairs.
I told him I am ok with divorce. It makes me feel empowered, and will not put up with the emotional abuse anymore.
I am ok to grow old on my own. :)

Is life better and more peaceful once you divorce from a serial cheater? I really want and need more peace in my life :)

Enough said, still in R for my kids' sake :) Praying for GOd to put me and my sweet children on a good path.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NC
Charwheeze
♂ Member
Member # 37689
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can certainly relate. My WW has had 3 AP for the last year and a half. She's currently living with the latest one.

"Self discovery" bullshit. She's exploring her sexual side that she never brought to our bedroom. He's getting a part of my wife I always wanted to see.

It hurts really bad. She's a monster.


BH - me, 31
ex-WW - her, 31
Dday: 10-14-12
Divorced July 2013

Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Florida
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, December 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you all handle the idea of staying in the M with a serial cheater. We are starting to look at some definitions of SA and NPD. We see some qualities of both but not all. It is hard. For him it was relationship based in most of them. He would look for women to conquer but also have a relationship with. It's all so confusing.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, December 31st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Basically trying to bump this thread...it's the one that fits the most but it seems like no one is ever on here.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, December 31st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread gets lost sometimes.

I am sorry we are here. I find that multiple A's are really hard to swallow if I look at them as individual situations.

My fWS had 2 LTEA (one had a little PA) and 2 PA. They spanned over 4 years. The first 10 months of our relationship was the only time she did not have someone else on the side.

I try to look at it all as one giant situation. The situation is that she was broken. She expressed these behaviors her whole life and would have continued until she hit bottom.

I am not a therapist or counselor. Finding out what that broken is, is the job of professionals. I try not to analyze or fix. I offer support and communication and encouragement. Finding her whys and fixing them is her cross to bear.

I'll try to keep checking back here.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2415 | Registered: Aug 2012
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wantreallove,

How do you all handle the idea of staying in the M with a serial cheater.

The coping mechanism I've developed (which I'm not always sure is healthy) is I've split him into two people--the serial cheat he was and the loving, compassionate man he is today. Sometimes I am pissed and hurt and crying or yelling at the serial cheat he was but since our R-day, only the loving, compassionate man is there to comfort me, hold me, apologize, and promise me he'll never hurt me again. I don't handle staying with a serial cheat. I refuse. I just would not survive another round of it. It would be over without question. I handle (and am grateful for everyday) staying with the most amazing man on earth. The way I did handle it for years was make my life all about him. I lost myself. If he was there, I was doing whatever I could to keep him happy. If he was gone or upset, I was thinking only of what I could do to get it ok again. It was a real sickness.

We are starting to look at some definitions of SA and NPD. We see some qualities of both but not all. It is hard. For him it was relationship based in most of them. He would look for women to conquer but also have a relationship with. It's all so confusing.

We've also looked into both. I spent the first half of the year reading every book on NPD and NPD relationships I could find. We read one of them together. (Mind you this was all while he was having PAs and on online dating/sex sites while lying in bed with me at night reading relationship books together. ) Only recently did I start looking into SA, and today we had a long talk about it. After our talk, we really aren't looking at SA as an issue anymore. Up UNTIL our R-day, I would said absolutely to NPD, but NPD rarely has the turn around he's had, so I also question that too now. Nevertheless, the information in the NPD relationship books is useful for us. Whether our WSs are NPD, SA, or something else, we are with emotionally unavailable and selfish people during those multiple affairs. We can benefit from looking at why we felt that something allowable in our lives at the time. Also, I think it's safe to say it takes some narcissistic qualities for ANYone to have the ability to lie to, betray, and destroy the soul of the person they vowed to love and cherish. Just something to consider. So, most WSs might score high on an NPD checklist during or around the time of an A.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 5:38 PM, December 31st (Monday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for responding! I can not accurately tell you how much better it is to hear others who understand the idea of multiple A's but not any labels on their WS. I feel so alone sometimes. I know that there are a lot of hurt people over EA's but sometimes I feel jealous and think how I wish it was that simple for me. My WH had emotional ties to many of his AP while also doing very physical things with them. The pain of all of it is almost too much to bear. I try to think in terms of a grouping rather than individual A too but it is hard sometimes since it was over such a large span of time. And I also understand the idea of 2 people in my spouse...the jerk and the wonderful man who is currently here. I just worry if the jerk will reappear.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
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