I should have listened to my own insticts which said...if he got away with it 4 times and i begged him to R each time...he will sure as hell do it again. houses can be replaced but my self respect, health and sanity are much more important and they can't be bought or sold.
things got better for about 2.5yrs, but as sure as i knew it...he cheated 3 more times. IMHO, i don't think multiple cheaters change that behavior without a lot of excruciatingly hard work and most of them are not willing to put in the work. y would they when they always get away with it? and get so much out of it?
toughcookie...my life is sooo much better on my own. So peaceful. it is too hard trying to keep up with a SC. u loose yourself because your constantly trying to keep up with what they are doing or not doing. IMHO...they will sleep with anyone who shows them any amount of attention.
[This message edited by Knotagain at 9:49 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]
I agree with those who've mentioned the confusion of not being able to identify the A(s) with a specific label.
He's not SA. They weren't EA's. Some were just sex. Some weren't. One he practically lived with for two months (unbeknownst to me) while on a business trip.
I don't even know how to label each OW or D-day at this point....I end up switching numbers depending on where my head is at the time. I generally only refer to the three women he had sex with in '11/'12 as "OW".
Maybe it's just less depressing/embarrassing that way?
So confusing. Just sucks
Would love to see some more activity on this thread, I'll try to remember to check in here more often.
I don't even know how to label each OW or D-day at this point
I usually only refer to the last OM as the OM. It was the most intense of the A's and the most hurtful. It was the one I caught her in. The others I suspected, hoped for the best, and rugswept.
I consider DDay the day I caught them, Black Friday 2011. She told me about the others in September 2012.
Dday was the day our relationship was destroyed. The work to put the pieces together started the next day. All the TT and new info was just part of that process.
I count my dday as the first day I learned about most of his infidelity. There has been an astonishing amount of TT.
I feel like it is humiliating to be in this position. If I heard a story about a woman whose H has multiple A's I would think she was a fool for staying. Yet here I stand, still married.
"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington
I personally choose to look at them as one "brokeness" because it helps me get through the day with a little hope. One problem, one solution.
[This message edited by Chicho at 10:11 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]
When i first found out first affair, I sat down and made a mental list of things i want to get done before a divorce. Patiently crossing
things off my list. 3 more to go! Then, if i am happy i will stay married, if not will go on my own. Again, time will tell. But i must admit, fantasizing a life with a new man who will love me , not betray me and grow old with me is excruciatingly a happy feeling :)
Good wishes for all betreayed spouses ( sorry, but will wish hell on cheater ones!)
Chicho's comment about "one big mess of brokenness" rings true to me in the sense that he was/is screwed up and I'm not sure it matters whether there was 1 or 20 OWs.
On the other hand, multiple As has me looking at things like sex addiction. Although, my WH isn't hypersexual and the 2nd A was far more E than P. There are other things you have to look at with multiple affairs as well...it just adds so many layers.
I'll be checking in here more often, friends.
Welcome, I am sorry you are here. I hope you find some level of understanding and acceptance. Please just remember none of it had anything to do with you.
I know I didn't cause this. I'm imperfect, but I've been faithful, supportive, loving, everything. There is not a single thing I did to cause this, nor nothing I could do to prevent it. After d day 1, I had some of those, "if I just would have.. " feelings but they were brief and don't live inside me anymore.
One of the reasons I eventually decided to r after d day 1 is because I am human and have made mistakes before. I felt that, with work, he deserved the 2nd chances I've been given in my life. But then the discovery of multiple As shelves that whole idea. It's a repetitive pattern, you know? a sign that my WH's brokenness is so much deeper than I thought.
Multiple As is just gross. Grosser? I don't know, I don't want to minimize the pain of anyone going through this even just with one A. But I do feel there is a whole other level of yuck, of moral and emotional ineptitude. When there are multiple As, that person is a cheater, cheater, cheater. Like its just part of their personality. No "good person who made a mistake" thoughts.
I'm actually fine. I sort of feel like, "whatever, fuck you, figure it out." It is very freeing. I'm going to be fine no matter what. I know this. I just gotta do the hard work of deciding what is best for me. And that is exhausting.
Not confronting till June, don't ask, but I know how it's going to go. He'll be angry but then fake R, go underground, and I'll have more DDs down the road. He's a cake-eater whose ego could not handle being the bad guy and leaving.
I would leave him in a heartbeat if not for the kids, but I know he would inflict far worse trauma on them and me if I left than if I stay. There's a bunch of other stuff that I don't feel like going into and don't want to debate here. So I plan to stay till the youngest is safe, then Seacrest is Out.
So for all you who haven't left your WS, I get it.
SoyLatte, I too saw evidence for years and at first I didn't put it together. I trusted so blindly with whatever excuse he gave. And the dating websites I was told those were for porn only, which although he new it upset me he was always "trying" to quit that. Who knew it was only the tip of the iceberg and that I couldn't see the beast of ice beneath the surface. In my case though he seems remorseful and so I stay, not just for the kids, but also on the hope and prayer that the man I married is the man who is here with me now. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I too am rugsweeping so that I can live in a fantasy of my making. One where I am loved for me and that I am special. Maybe someday I will feel like that in my M too. Maybe I'm just as messed up as he is.
It's all gross!!!
However, I will say my desire to run far far away from my WH increased about 1000x when I found out there were 2 women. Its when I started researching d, d attorneys, etc. And I have to honor that feeling. The fact that there were 2 may be the dealbreaker that just 1 was not. So, in that sense, it feels grosser. More violating. More heavy. Because his choice to be with two women may be what sealed the deal in terms of ending our previously beautiful relationship and breaking up our family. If it had just been one, if he hadn't gone back for more ego stroking, lying, and shitting on me, we would stand a far greater chance right now.
So, yea, it is grosser to me.
I think that him having SA and my reading books about codepdency has really opened my eyes to how we are dealing with all of this and how we got here. I'm hoping when I go to my first S-anon meeting on sunday that I will find other women who have had WH with multiple A's so I will have people who can understand. It's also why I come here and post with you all. This is madness and recovering from it is hard. Sometimes I think it must be harder then recovering from just 1 A but I don't know maybe not.
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”