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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Multiple Affairs
Knotagain
♀ New Member
Member # 37878
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i hate myself for not leaving STBXWH after DD1,2,3,4, but i listened to advice from family members who said, "it's not that big of a deal, mine does it. Don't leave your beautiful home. He takes care of you. u guys have such a wonderful history."

I should have listened to my own insticts which said...if he got away with it 4 times and i begged him to R each time...he will sure as hell do it again. houses can be replaced but my self respect, health and sanity are much more important and they can't be bought or sold.

things got better for about 2.5yrs, but as sure as i knew it...he cheated 3 more times. IMHO, i don't think multiple cheaters change that behavior without a lot of excruciatingly hard work and most of them are not willing to put in the work. y would they when they always get away with it? and get so much out of it?

toughcookie...my life is sooo much better on my own. So peaceful. it is too hard trying to keep up with a SC. u loose yourself because your constantly trying to keep up with what they are doing or not doing. IMHO...they will sleep with anyone who shows them any amount of attention.

[This message edited by Knotagain at 9:49 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]


If the past calls...hang up...it has nothing new to say.
Me: BW 41
Him: WH 42
Together: 21 yrs (cohabitated: 7, married: 14)
DD1,2,3,4: June 18, 2009
DD5: February 10, 2012
DD6,7: December 28, 2012
Separated: June 29, 2012
Divorce: In Process

Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Western PA
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here too. My H has had multiple affairs, I stopped counting after 5. We are almost 4 years out from all the D-Days and R has gone well. My H is not an SA or NPD, he is just a selfish & entitled opportunist. Soooo he knows that and works very hard to keep good boundaries in place. Some days I just get tired of wondering when/if this will happen again...his boundaries have been air tight and I have seen nothing suspicious, but what about in 4 more years? What about another colleague or employee down the road? I get tired of feeling like a cop. That is all. Just needed to vent tonight.


BS
Three D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2009
PlumLoco
♀ New Member
Member # 38045
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too, I belong here. Just had D-Day #3, the first Dec 2008, the second May 2009, and the last one in December. H has had 4 PAs, and numerous EAs. Thought we were in R the last three years, guess I was wrong.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2013
MFC2011
♀ Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just stumbled across this and wanted to say hi. I fit in here - my H hooked up with his ex while we were engaged in 2002, then slept with 3 women on a business trip in 2011/2012. Add in one girl he kissed in a parking lot, and at least one stripper whose boobs he felt.

I agree with those who've mentioned the confusion of not being able to identify the A(s) with a specific label.

He's not SA. They weren't EA's. Some were just sex. Some weren't. One he practically lived with for two months (unbeknownst to me) while on a business trip.

I don't even know how to label each OW or D-day at this point....I end up switching numbers depending on where my head is at the time. I generally only refer to the three women he had sex with in '11/'12 as "OW".

Maybe it's just less depressing/embarrassing that way?

So confusing. Just sucks

Would love to see some more activity on this thread, I'll try to remember to check in here more often.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even know how to label each OW or D-day at this point

I usually only refer to the last OM as the OM. It was the most intense of the A's and the most hurtful. It was the one I caught her in. The others I suspected, hoped for the best, and rugswept.

I consider DDay the day I caught them, Black Friday 2011. She told me about the others in September 2012.

Dday was the day our relationship was destroyed. The work to put the pieces together started the next day. All the TT and new info was just part of that process.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2416 | Registered: Aug 2012
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH feels like I should consider all the hookers from 2002-2006 as just one OW or a LTA. I don't think that's fair to me because each one was a new decision on his part to betray me.

I count my dday as the first day I learned about most of his infidelity. There has been an astonishing amount of TT.

I feel like it is humiliating to be in this position. If I heard a story about a woman whose H has multiple A's I would think she was a fool for staying. Yet here I stand, still married.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 988 | Registered: Jul 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I dont think anyones WS should have the right to tell any of us how to look at the shit storm that they caused.

I personally choose to look at them as one "brokeness" because it helps me get through the day with a little hope. One problem, one solution.

[This message edited by Chicho at 10:11 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2416 | Registered: Aug 2012
toughcookie
♀ New Member
Member # 37449
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, January 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knotagain, thank you for your insight. I feel that I will be better off without my WH. I do no trust him to be loyal to me. I know there will be more, he is just too selfish not to have more! But he also wont leave, says he loves me and will never hurt me again. Jury is out, time will tell if he is telling the truth or not. Putting up with it so kids can grow up happy, not broken.

When i first found out first affair, I sat down and made a mental list of things i want to get done before a divorce. Patiently crossing
things off my list. 3 more to go! Then, if i am happy i will stay married, if not will go on my own. Again, time will tell. But i must admit, fantasizing a life with a new man who will love me , not betray me and grow old with me is excruciatingly a happy feeling :)
Good wishes for all betreayed spouses ( sorry, but will wish hell on cheater ones!)


Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NC
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I belong here, too. I haven't posted much in the ICR forums. WH had two affairs spanning 2010/2011. They were about 3-4 months apart in terms of when one ended and the other began.

Chicho's comment about "one big mess of brokenness" rings true to me in the sense that he was/is screwed up and I'm not sure it matters whether there was 1 or 20 OWs.

On the other hand, multiple As has me looking at things like sex addiction. Although, my WH isn't hypersexual and the 2nd A was far more E than P. There are other things you have to look at with multiple affairs as well...it just adds so many layers.

I'll be checking in here more often, friends.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((RockyMtn)))

Welcome, I am sorry you are here. I hope you find some level of understanding and acceptance. Please just remember none of it had anything to do with you.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2416 | Registered: Aug 2012
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((RockyMtn))) It is so hard to deal with multiple A. And then to be looking at the why and as you said the layers of that...it's almost enough to bring you to your breaking point. I check here often so please post as much as you need. ((hugs)) again.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the welcome!

I know I didn't cause this. I'm imperfect, but I've been faithful, supportive, loving, everything. There is not a single thing I did to cause this, nor nothing I could do to prevent it. After d day 1, I had some of those, "if I just would have.. " feelings but they were brief and don't live inside me anymore.

One of the reasons I eventually decided to r after d day 1 is because I am human and have made mistakes before. I felt that, with work, he deserved the 2nd chances I've been given in my life. But then the discovery of multiple As shelves that whole idea. It's a repetitive pattern, you know? a sign that my WH's brokenness is so much deeper than I thought.

Multiple As is just gross. Grosser? I don't know, I don't want to minimize the pain of anyone going through this even just with one A. But I do feel there is a whole other level of yuck, of moral and emotional ineptitude. When there are multiple As, that person is a cheater, cheater, cheater. Like its just part of their personality. No "good person who made a mistake" thoughts.

I'm actually fine. I sort of feel like, "whatever, fuck you, figure it out." It is very freeing. I'm going to be fine no matter what. I know this. I just gotta do the hard work of deciding what is best for me. And that is exhausting.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
SoyLatte
♀ Member
Member # 37634
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll join this one. Discovered OW1 in November, OW2 in January, in the past have found condoms in the car, seen dating websites in his computer history...I fear what else there is I haven't found when I wasn't looking all these years.

Not confronting till June, don't ask, but I know how it's going to go. He'll be angry but then fake R, go underground, and I'll have more DDs down the road. He's a cake-eater whose ego could not handle being the bad guy and leaving.

I would leave him in a heartbeat if not for the kids, but I know he would inflict far worse trauma on them and me if I left than if I stay. There's a bunch of other stuff that I don't feel like going into and don't want to debate here. So I plan to stay till the youngest is safe, then Seacrest is Out.

So for all you who haven't left your WS, I get it.


Me: BS, 49
Him: WH, 49, serial cheater and compulsive liar, possible SA and NPD
Married 17 years, together 26
3 kids: 10, 13, and 15
Was afraid to confront while overseas, now home safely and can decide next step

Posts: 243 | Registered: Nov 2012
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rockymtn, I understand the whole multiple A being even grosser. And as I read more books about SA and hear that sometimes new details will emerge that the addict didn't remember or that might not seem like a big deal to them but will be to the BS...It just hurts. I feel like I'm braced for more and then my WH gets disappointed that I can't at least trust that what I've been told is the end but it's hard to believe that. I look back and wonder how I could be so blind and stupid. Sigh. It is a lot of work to look at ourselves and do the work of what is best for us. I am just starting IC and I wonder what it will be like. What I will discover. And yes I hate to minimize someone's pain but I too have wondered how easy it must be to be dealing with "just" an EA or a single PA. But the point is that's not what I'm dealing with. I am here and locked into this life and it's currently with a man who had 8A, 7 of which were sexual. Of those 8, only 2 were ONS the rest were EA/PA. So I understand how hard it is.

SoyLatte, I too saw evidence for years and at first I didn't put it together. I trusted so blindly with whatever excuse he gave. And the dating websites I was told those were for porn only, which although he new it upset me he was always "trying" to quit that. Who knew it was only the tip of the iceberg and that I couldn't see the beast of ice beneath the surface. In my case though he seems remorseful and so I stay, not just for the kids, but also on the hope and prayer that the man I married is the man who is here with me now. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I too am rugsweeping so that I can live in a fantasy of my making. One where I am loved for me and that I am special. Maybe someday I will feel like that in my M too. Maybe I'm just as messed up as he is.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EA, PA, ONS, LTA, Multiple, SA...

It's all gross!!!


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2416 | Registered: Aug 2012
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right, chicho. I remember when I thought it was just one A. And it was the grossest thing ever. Whatever happens to us that is this violating feels like the grossest of gross.

However, I will say my desire to run far far away from my WH increased about 1000x when I found out there were 2 women. Its when I started researching d, d attorneys, etc. And I have to honor that feeling. The fact that there were 2 may be the dealbreaker that just 1 was not. So, in that sense, it feels grosser. More violating. More heavy. Because his choice to be with two women may be what sealed the deal in terms of ending our previously beautiful relationship and breaking up our family. If it had just been one, if he hadn't gone back for more ego stroking, lying, and shitting on me, we would stand a far greater chance right now.

So, yea, it is grosser to me.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. When I first found out about the first A I felt so dirty. I didn't do anything but I felt so violated and dirty. Kinda like how you read a rape victim washes themselves and scrubs like crazy...That's what I felt like doing. By the time I had heard about the rest of the A's. Well lets just say I was so numb that the rage only surfaces...well twice now and that's it. I think I can somewhat say I'm still reeling and numb from the sheer numbers of it.

I think that him having SA and my reading books about codepdency has really opened my eyes to how we are dealing with all of this and how we got here. I'm hoping when I go to my first S-anon meeting on sunday that I will find other women who have had WH with multiple A's so I will have people who can understand. It's also why I come here and post with you all. This is madness and recovering from it is hard. Sometimes I think it must be harder then recovering from just 1 A but I don't know maybe not.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
SoyLatte
♀ Member
Member # 37634
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do multiple affairs = SA? I haven't confronted yet but currently can see his iMessages and some emails, and have recovered some Whatsapp chats. Before and now, he just seems to be thinking about sex all the time. Before it may have been just websites (I'll never know what else), and now he's texting two women and trolling Craigslist. Can that just be big ego and big libido, or is that SA? I know labels don't matter, but educating myself can only be a good thing. Thanks.


Me: BS, 49
Him: WH, 49, serial cheater and compulsive liar, possible SA and NPD
Married 17 years, together 26
3 kids: 10, 13, and 15
Was afraid to confront while overseas, now home safely and can decide next step

Posts: 243 | Registered: Nov 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what qualifies as multiple affairs? My fWH has had two, that I know of...
How does someone forgive this? Especially being I had to catch him..?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3634 | Registered: Dec 2010
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No multiple A does not always = SA but it is something to look into. In your case I understand you are waiting to confront so I don't know. Maybe read up on the spouses of SA on the I can relate section. Also there are some women on there who know way more than I do about SA. My WH and I are just discovering all about this.
As


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
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