Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Turtles (43206)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Multiple Affairs
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No multiple A does not always = SA but it is something to look into. In your case I understand you are waiting to confront so I don't know. Maybe read up on the spouses of SA on the I can relate section. Also there are some women on there who know way more than I do about SA. My WH and I are just discovering all about this.
As far as how many A = multiple I think that 2 or more.
As


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
TarnishedSilver
♀ Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1 A lasted a couple months
1 A lasted 4 months
1 A lasted 3 months
1 A lasted 1 month
1 A lasted over 1 year, ended and they had sex one last time 5 months later.
1 ONS
1 A lasted a couple months

This happened in a 10 year period..I believe this qualifies as "Multiple Affairs"

Hope we all find the strength we need to live a happy life!


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would think that multiple affairs is more than one AP. As you can see from my tagline, my WH had 17. However, I do not believe my WH is a SA, frankly he was just a selfish asshole who had cheap and easy access to hookers. But everyone is different, I'm starting to think from reading here at SI that the majority of people with multiple partners are generally diagnosed as SA.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 989 | Registered: Jul 2012
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, February 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea, I see that, too - that multiple APs = SA. That's why I ever looked into it in the first place. WH did, too. Especially since one of his As was very graphic, yet he is not an overtly sexual person...it made me wonder what kind of repressed sexual desires he might have. Not that I think they're weird or gross...just that maybe he was suppressing an SA?

I don't think so, though. I think he is selfish and addicted to any high that might come his way...including the high of As but not necessarily the high of the sexual/physical.

Anyway, there is so much knowledge of SA on these boards that anyone wondering if multiple A (or AP) = SA, you can probably find info. But I also think the conclusion is jumped to (??) because of the prevalence of SA...that we all wonder if it is present in our situation.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Question  Posted: 10:55 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else refer to one of the A's as THE A?

Does that somehow minimize the others?

Is that harmful?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2419 | Registered: Aug 2012
wantreallove
♀ Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chico, I don't know about harmful but I realize that for myself there are the ones that I don't think about much and then there are 2 I think of as the bigger ones. The most recent one, the last one, is the one I think of the most often and get upset about the most often. Maybe because it's a time in our lives that seems to have hurt the most and that's why there is one that is the biggest deal?


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I refer to a specific A it tends to be the last one. The one with the coworker was such a different situation and we were at a different place in our lives (both literally and figuratively) that it is the one that tends to bother me the most.

I don't think it minimizes the others at all, it just means it's the one that bothers me the most at that time. It's not that the others are less important or that they didn't happen.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 989 | Registered: Jul 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

99% of the time I think of the last A as the A. It is the one that I caught her in. It is what appears to be the most intense mentally and physically. It was definitely the most hurtful. It also had 9 months of focus after Dday until I was told the truth about the others.

They were all so different and hurtful in their own ways. I read people saying that Different A are more or less hurtful than others. STA, LTA, EA, PA, there were all of them over the years. I don't want to minimize any of them or buy into the bull $hit that one type is easier than the others. They are all disgusting and hurtful.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2419 | Registered: Aug 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

99% of the time I think of the last A as the A. It is the one that I caught her in. It is what appears to be the most intense mentally and physically. It was definitely the most hurtful. It also had 9 months of focus after Dday until I was told the truth about the others.

They were all so different and hurtful in their own ways. I read people saying that Different A are more or less hurtful than others. STA, LTA, EA, PA, there were all of them over the years. I don't want to minimize any of them or buy into the bull $hit that one type is easier than the others. They are all disgusting and hurtful.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2419 | Registered: Aug 2012
bridar
♀ Member
Member # 34512
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are absolutely right Chicho, they are all different, and they all hurt like hell. In my case, and as much as I hate to admit it, let me join the club. There has been WAY too many over our 22+ years together. Some were long term, with the last one I found out about recently, was over 2 1/2 years. He is 43, and she is now 28.

I THINK I know about them all, but I'll never know. I am still 95% out the door, I just wish I could get a little kick to get the other 5 %.


Me:41
WS:43
Married 19 yrs, together 22
2 kids 21/19
Feels like I am in Hell

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Canada
Broken1Again
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I refer to a couple of them that were "the" affairs for me. I think for the most part I found out about the other ones before they could become something significant. Like maybe I found out as it was texting/calling. I don't know. If I'm honest, they all hurt, but there were the big ones that hurt more for some reason. Maybe because I've had to build a wall to protect myself. I don't know.


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 828 | Registered: May 2011
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy do I hate to join this club!

In 2007 I caught WH emailing back and forth flirting with a girl in his karate dojo who sent him near nude pics of herself. He said it was harmless but said he'd be NC.

A few months later when we were living across the country from one another I caught him in a A, a girl came to visit him for the weekend after weeks of texting and talking. I called her and she admitted they had sex, took him FOREVER to admit the same. Separated but R'ed in late 2008/early 2009. Said he'd do counseling but went to one MC and stopped

4/2013 - Found out he had a ONS in 2008 which resulted in an OC he says he didn't know about until a 10/12 court case. he says the ONS was because he was drunk and sad about us being separated. Also busted him in what looked like an EA and some hotel charges but he claims she's just a friend but admitted to a ONS with someone else! he says he did it cause he knew I'd leave him after I found out about OC

He says his lying and cheating stem from fear and insecurities during childhood blah blah blah and he'll get counseling this time. I am filing for divorce tomorrow but did give him the opening that if he goes to IC and reveals all I might consider MC for the sake of my son.

My question is with the multiple affairs can a leopard ever really change its spots or is any stressor going to send him running into another woman's arms. Is it even reasonable to consider R? At first I thought not so I told too many people, now I feel like the pressure is on to D...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Careerlady))) I am sorry you are here.

I believe anybody can change if they truly want to in their heart and are willing to do the work.

The decision to R is strickly yours and no one else's. That decision doesn't need to happen right away. You could take time and watch to see if the work is being done before fully committing in either direction.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2419 | Registered: Aug 2012
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((careerlady)))

I do believe people can change. I know that my WH has changed. I'm still guarded, still wary, but he has changed.

It was hard work, and if the change hadn't already happened by DDay, I'm not sure I would have been able to R.

My WH also claimed that the A's were the result of a childhood that left him feeling insecure and looking for love and acceptance. He was just too stupid to see that he got all of that from me.

Maybe IC will help your WH. Only time will tell.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 989 | Registered: Jul 2012
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me for five years, spanning 3 different women. The first woman was over the first 2 years, overlapping into the second woman which has been the past 3 years, and the third woman which was a little over a month. Women #2 and #3 did not know about each other.

None of them knew about me, our daughter, or that i'm pregnant.

I'm sorry that we're all here, but I hope we can support each other.


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((two doves)))

I am sorry you are here. I am sorry we are all here. But Welcome.

There is a lot of strength and hope on this site. Check out the Healing Library on the upper left side of the page. There is a ton of great info there.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2419 | Registered: Aug 2012
ShockedAndHurt
♀ Member
Member # 36657
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, May 10th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, this is my first post in this thread, but been on the forum a while now.

My WH had at least 3 PA, those are the ones he admitted to, I strongly suspect more as he is a chronic TTer. He had an EA in 2008 when I was pregnant with our first son, pressure of becoming a dad too much to handle, apparently then PA1 was in the early months of my second pregnancy in 2011, he says he can't remember when it was, it was a one time hook up and "only a blow job". Next was THE A, OW2, who he met with regularly over about 9 months spanning the second half of my pregnancy and my baby's early months. This is the one that really hurts. It is also the one he broke NC with 6 days after DDay2. OW3 was 3-4 hook ups when my son was tiny, overlapping with OW2, apparently he used to alternate between the two OW, roughly one a week for a couple of months. They didn't know about each other, but did know about me. When he broke NC I sent OW2 a text telling her about the others and pointing out that she was not special, he did not love her and was never going to leave me for her. I am fairly certain that put a permanent end to their relationship.

He also had cyber sex frequently with dozens, if not hundreds of people over many years.

My WH also claimed that the A's were the result of a childhood that left him feeling insecure and looking for love and acceptance. He was just too stupid to see that he got all of that from me.

This sounds familiar. My WH says that he has always sought validation in what others think of him, he always needs to receive clear signs of appreciation and value. So when he felt undervalued at work and at home at the same time he became depressed and struggled with that. He says he felt he had no control over his life, so went looking for it. The lying and cheating gave him a sense of control. He was also into BDSM, taking a Dom role, so very literally controlling the OW.

We are separated now and have been since DDay2 in March. Though it has been a confusing time and there have been glimmers of hope for R, but right now I am fairly certain I can never take him back. After DDay1 I only told a couple of close friends as I hoped for R and did not want to taint everyone's view of him. After DDay2 I told everyone, now I feel I can't get back together with him even if I want to because of what everyone will think. I know I shouldn't care about anyone else, but it does complicate things, I wouldn't want to put my family in an awkward position or anything.

Anyway, I don't think WH is a SA. It never seemed to be about the sex really, it was about control and attention.

So that's me and my situation in a nutshell.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 33, EA summer 2008, multiple cyber affairs, 3PA summer 2011-summer 2012
Together since 1999, married in 2004
2 Children
DD1: 9th Aug 2012
DD2: 6th March 2013 end of reconciliation and start of separation
DD3: 29th June 2013

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so happy to have found this thread as I often feel bad about myself for staying with someone that has mistreated me in such a heinous way.

My WH's last A is the most significant to me. It is the one in which he was most connected to both emotionally and physically. He also did not end the A until DDay#4.

I am basically in state of disbelief that I am willing to give this person another chance and of course my feelings change from day to day so I'm never sure if I want to stay married or file.

My WH is a very broken man and sometimes I am just not sure R is worth it.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2250 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
RoadtoPeace
♀ New Member
Member # 39141
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the hardest things to do when we are faced with such a situation is to get everyone else out of our head (the WS, family, etc) and think clearly for ourselves.

I have also told a selected few of my friends and family members of my WH's latest " adventures" and feel the pressure to D. But I took the time to think over the past 2 weeks since I asked him to move out and I am coming close to the realization that I need to move on.

I don't know the extent of my WH's unfaithfulness. He still claims he has never slept with another woman while married to me. Given the nature of texts and emails I discovered, I highly doubt it. And more importantly, that he could continue to either pursue hook ups (excuse was he wanted to see how the women would react) even after the disaster of the first Dday means he will likely never change.

Everyone knows his/her tipping point, when the option for yet another attempt at R is not on the table anymore. Or when the choice to R, however scary, feels like the right option given the unique particulars of one's situation.


me - BS
him - WH
Married 5 1/2 years
Dday#1 - 10/2009
Dday#2 - 3/2013
Status - He wants R, I am not sure I can get on that ride again

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2013
shawnh21112
♂ New Member
Member # 36919
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, I too belong here. My WW was caught last year in a 9+ month affair with her boss. 6 months into 'R' (false as hell) I find out she had 4 more A's at the beginning of our 12 year marriage. Oh what fun this is...


BH-45
WW-43 si username (melhav)

Dday #1 4/26/12 & too many to count since

A#1 PA with coworker (10 months)
A#2 EA with coworker (long distance)
A#3 PA with coworker (three months)
A#4 PA with coworker (?? 2 months)
A#5 PA with boss (9+m


Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: San Diego, CA
Topic Posts: 497
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.