- Prostitutes in our house, both genders
- Handjobs at massage parlors
- Looking for hookups on Craigslist (none panned out, but he looked)
- Sexual encounters with random girls at bars, one semi-sexual encounter with a guy at his house, some random make-outs, many of which were attempted ONS that didn't happen for whatever reasons, and an actual ONS
- And one half-year EA/PA (well... more like a year, if you count the texting that went on before they started getting physical), where pretty much every betrayal that could happen, happened, short of him telling her he loved her.
It's a bit nuts, because all that happened in a 2-year period. We were together 5 years before that and as far as I know, no cheating during that time at all. Everything in our relationship was pretty awesome, and then we had a bit of a life change (moved overseas again), and it was like a switch flipped. Everything between us still seemed awesome, it's just that WH was kind of, I dunno. He went off the rails for two years.
I found out all of it at around the same time, couple months ago. Spent a couple months totally devastated, but this week has been much better. WH seems totally remorseful, feels like he just fell off a cliff (started with the prostitutes) and kept falling until things got insane and he couldn't get off the ride. I'm not justifying for him, that's just how he feels right now. I'm sure I'm in for a bunch more roller-coastering, but the last couple of days I've been mostly OK. Sadly, I've come to a place where I know I can walk if I need to. I wish I hadn't had to consider that, but there it is.
I strongly agree with some of the original posts on this thread. Because there were so many - I'm not even counting WH's attempted hook-ups that turned him down or never replied to his online offers, everything is kind of separated into two camps for me, the LTA and the rest of it. And all of *that* falls under the umbrella of "the affair period". WH says he's relieved it's over and he can start being the man he wants to be, the kind of person who doesn't hurt me anymore. He seems very sincere, he's doing the work, he's not complaining about doing the work at all. He seemed sincere during the affair period too, so... who knows?
For some reason it's been very easy for me to get over the professionals. The LTA completely laid me flat. He dropped her, no problem, the day I found out though. No fence-sitting.
I guess what I'm asking is: is there anyone else with a similar situation? A period where your WS went kind of nuts and acted on all kinds of screwed up behavior, then turned it around for good?
[This message edited by Thessalian at 11:52 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]
7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.
First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014
Thanks so much. Can you describe what you mean by "sexually anorexic" for most of his life?
Right after he moved out he hooked up with another girlfriend, and told me he wanted to see if I was the reason he cheated, or if it was him. After a year and a half with her, his break up line was, "I like a lot of other women as much as I like you."
A leopard can't change it's spots.
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
I don't actually think he's an SA, based on what I've been reading....but he does have addictive tendencies sometimes do nothing is out of the realm of possibility.
He's remorseful and trying (at least I think he is), but after 3 months of TT, I'm always waiting for another bomb to drop. Which I guess is why I have anxiety now, lol. And ugh.
Its been a while since I have posted in one of these threads. It seems this particular thread has been relatively slow except for a few entries recently.
I too belong in this thread like the rest of you.
my WW has had 5 affairs in our 11 year marriage. According to her, she was faithful for the first 2 1/2 years.
OM#1: ~3yrs(work associate)
OM#2: few months(work associate)
OM#3: 4yrs (work associate)
OM#4: few months (acquaintance)
OM#5: several months (work encounter)
Most of these were overlapping with each other. At one point she was juggling at least 3 other men in addition to me. What made it easy for her was the fact that we were living apart during the first 8 yrs of our marriage due to my work obligations.
I agree with Chico on some of his entries about one affair being "THE Affair".
For me that would be OM#3. That was the one that I first discovered when his wife called me up and told me. That was also the one she has had the most difficulty in ending. In fact, I don't feel 100% certain that it has ended. She was suppose to have ended it on DDay#1 but she has backslid a couple of times with the latest episode that I am aware of occurring when I was out of town on business in March. As far as I know, they have simply taken it underground and I just haven't found any evidence of it recently. The next time I find any evidence will be the final nail in the coffin for our marriage.
I think that everyone eventually reaches a point in which its not worth the trouble to fix someone who is broken inside.
Just out of curiosity, I would like to inquire to everyone in this thread the following:
who is still trying to reconcile with WS and who is gone/going through D? For those who went to D.....what was the breaking point for you that tipped the scale toward D?
Laid out some terms for R (not sure I even want to R but told him some requirements anyway), one was IC and that I would be in the room at every visit. He has a habit of lying to his VA psychologists about me. Know this for a FACT. He said he didn't understand why I'd want him to have counseling. What did I think that would do? I was like "Wha...?"
And the lies. OMG. He even went to my mother in 2010 and lied to her about the ho-worker (OW#2), told her lies that didn't need to be told. I assume to get her on his side. God, when I re-read some of the stuff he has done, I'm beside myself wondering why I get a pang to R with this habitual lying, serial cheating, abusive alcoholic prick.
ETA - Oh, I'm not supposed to vent in here. Sorry. I seem to do that a lot. Sigh.
[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 1:14 PM, January 24th (Friday)]
- guy 1 ONS in our car
- guy 2 sexting, chat, pics, planned 3-some that never happened, no cyber, one kiss
-guy 3 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, flirting, one kiss
-guy 4 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, no physical
-guy 5 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, no physical
-guy 6 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, no physical
-guy 7 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, no physical
-guy 8 sent pics but he never responded to them
-guy 9 4-6 month EA/PA, multiple sexual encounters. once brought him into our house while i was away and our daughter here, he spent the night. wife claims no sex in our house but "messing around" instead.
- guy 10 sexting, chat, pics, ONS at his house
8 months ago, wife admited to guy 9. claimed EA only with a few kisses. false R. 2-3 weeks ago, wife admitted to guys 2-7 and that guy 9 PA. TT over a few day period finally admitting to guy 1 and 10. guy 8 discovered this week, she forgot him amidst the others .
she wasnt attracted to and even disliked the guys, she went out of her way to find the most F'ed up guys possible. she pursued them, flirted with them, seduced them.
im not sure which is worse. the LTA that she tried to convince herself meant something or the ONS that clearly didnt or the guys she was keeping on a string with chat (for future sex or maybe just to amuse herself??). maybe one day i can say which bothers me more, right now im just and and
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 9 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LTA, claims EA. begin false R.
01/14/14 DD/2 - admits LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - admits to sexting.
01/19/14 DD/4 - admits to 2 ONS
Dday was 2 months ago. My WH since then has been trying to be an open book and give me access to his accounts and passwords (albeit reluctantly). I've scoured old phone records and emails, and I keep a watchful eye on his phone, emails, and social media. And haven't been too happy discovering that there are lots of different names, questionable contact (at early morning hours) and messages. No solid proof of anything, perhaps a bit of flirting, but I don't think I'll ever know the truth and I'm pretty sure he won't admit it out of fear of losing me.
Thing is he's a musician and travels the world, so I don't always know who he's with and whether these women are friends, networking connections, or something else like ONS groupies. I have known from early on in the relationship he was addicted to porn, but I always thought that was a fantasy world, and now I don't know what to think! I feel like I have been fooling myself all these many years, thinking he would never ever ever cheat on me!!
I have seriously lived my life for him and given him everything. I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough, that I can't give him everything he needs if he feels the urge to keep looking elsewhere. Trying to remind myself that it's his addiction and ego and shame that drive his behaviours. Is it possible to move forward and have a successful marriage with someone like that??
i dont mean to denigrate the pain that anyone else has gone through or their experiences. but it seems to me that we have the definite short end of the stick. ive read through the thread and maybe ive come out of this light (although it doesnt feel like it right now) but in 2 years my wife had
- a ONS with a "friend/co-worker" in our car. i am unsure if there was an EA involved. i cant really tell. the whole thing took place in a few weeks, he left, he got a gf, and they never really talked again. i think "just" sex but i do know they spent alot of time talking too.
- a LTA EA/PA and brought him into our house while i wasnt here. all of the betrayal and pain of my wife telling some guy she loves him, connecting to him on an emotional level, bonding with him, choosing to spend her time with him instead of her family, buying him presents, etc.
- two ONS with two different guys. my wife sought out two guys (she did all the searching, encouraging, and pushed them to happen) for "just sex". i cant even hold onto the thought that "well, she 'fell' for some guy and crazy and stupid as it was ... she basically gave in to temptation and selfishness because she was too weak to resist these feelings and didnt have appropriate boundaries". instead, these force me to see that she didnt need these feelings, she just did it even without them.
- multiple (7-10???) guys that she sexted with (including pics, etc) in bursts and fits during this time. one guy was on and off for almost the entire two years while some were "only" a few days here and there. with many of them they were exchanging sexual fantasies back and forth, a few tried to arrange PA (one tried to arrange a 3-some). one ONS guys came from amongst these guys. so i need to be aware of the fact that my wife "may" or "may not" have been subconciously "grooming them" and may or may not have been actually had sex with them if it had "worked out". she says no, she didnt plan that. but then again, what makes the ONS different than the rest? she doesnt really have an answer. she didnt really "think" or "plan" it with him so her failure to "think" or "plan" it with them doesnt mean it wouldnt have happened.
- a massive pattern of having poor or no boundaries in her personal life. like a guy and her at her family business are chatting back and forth. nothing too much. one day they are in the basement. he leans over and kisses her. she says she was shocked and angry at him, yelled at him, and it never happened again. however, it wouldnt have happened in the first place if she had boundaries. a guy who wants to get language lessons from her messaging her that he wants to meet in private for the lessons (and she doesnt understand "why" but still finds somewhere "private" - her brothers apartment - for them to meet but then decides not too when he keeps talking about how she has to wear this sexy black dress that he had seen her in). at no point does her brain click in and say WTF and stop it. she keeps chatting away with him. she loans the guy who kisses her 500 euros. she goes to clubs, people ask for her phone number, she actually gives it to them - apparently utterly convinced that its all innocent, nothing can ever happen, its just a number, and then shes in the rabbit hole.
- and reading some of the earlier posts i see there is something i have "yet" to experience that some of you have. my wife confined this to a 2 year period (i "think" and she says) whereas for some of you its been ongoing over a many year period. i think that is an additional difficulty to add to the mix for some.
i think the sheer volume of F'ed upness to the serial cheater is something that the the "average BS" doesnt have to deal with. i dont think they can comprehend how broken our WS is. i dont think they can understand why we stay with them. i dont think they understand how much fear we have that this is something so seriously wrong with the WS that it cant be "fixed".
i dont know. maybe im just wrong and i would love for someone to be able to tell me that im wrong.
[This message edited by william at 1:25 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]