Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Elaine311 (43215)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Multiple Affairs
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one's posted in this thread for a while, so I missed it, but after reading through all the posts I realized this is where I relate the most. WH pretty much did everything:

- Prostitutes in our house, both genders
- Handjobs at massage parlors
- Looking for hookups on Craigslist (none panned out, but he looked)
- Sexual encounters with random girls at bars, one semi-sexual encounter with a guy at his house, some random make-outs, many of which were attempted ONS that didn't happen for whatever reasons, and an actual ONS
- And one half-year EA/PA (well... more like a year, if you count the texting that went on before they started getting physical), where pretty much every betrayal that could happen, happened, short of him telling her he loved her.

It's a bit nuts, because all that happened in a 2-year period. We were together 5 years before that and as far as I know, no cheating during that time at all. Everything in our relationship was pretty awesome, and then we had a bit of a life change (moved overseas again), and it was like a switch flipped. Everything between us still seemed awesome, it's just that WH was kind of, I dunno. He went off the rails for two years.

I found out all of it at around the same time, couple months ago. Spent a couple months totally devastated, but this week has been much better. WH seems totally remorseful, feels like he just fell off a cliff (started with the prostitutes) and kept falling until things got insane and he couldn't get off the ride. I'm not justifying for him, that's just how he feels right now. I'm sure I'm in for a bunch more roller-coastering, but the last couple of days I've been mostly OK. Sadly, I've come to a place where I know I can walk if I need to. I wish I hadn't had to consider that, but there it is.

I strongly agree with some of the original posts on this thread. Because there were so many - I'm not even counting WH's attempted hook-ups that turned him down or never replied to his online offers, everything is kind of separated into two camps for me, the LTA and the rest of it. And all of *that* falls under the umbrella of "the affair period". WH says he's relieved it's over and he can start being the man he wants to be, the kind of person who doesn't hurt me anymore. He seems very sincere, he's doing the work, he's not complaining about doing the work at all. He seemed sincere during the affair period too, so... who knows?

For some reason it's been very easy for me to get over the professionals. The LTA completely laid me flat. He dropped her, no problem, the day I found out though. No fence-sitting.

I guess what I'm asking is: is there anyone else with a similar situation? A period where your WS went kind of nuts and acted on all kinds of screwed up behavior, then turned it around for good?

[This message edited by Thessalian at 11:52 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thessalian - My SAWH fits what you are describing, except the same sex encounters. He acted out for a total of about 2 years, until I caught him. He has been in recovery (sort of) for the last 2 years and hasn't acted out in that time. So, you might want to read on our thread under spouses of SAs. Not saying your WH is an SA but there are strong indicators. My SAWH was sexually anorexic for most of his life, so the acting out period was short. Some SAs have a shorter acting out period that was led up to with other behaviors. Sometimes that behavior was porn and sometimes it was like my SAWH. So, just food for thought. Take a look at the other thread and see if you think it fits your situation.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Missymomma Tried to PM you, looks like you're at your limit.

Thanks so much. Can you describe what you mean by "sexually anorexic" for most of his life?


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My box is fixed now. If you want to PM me.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
staystrong101
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH also had multiple affairs. The worst was a LTA, 4.5 years, with a friend of ours. He was texting her 80-100 times/day and secretly meeting her during & after work. He also was texting 2 other women for about the past year. One was a woman through his work I've never met. The other was a former friend of mine who is divorced. This OW would just happen to show up where we were, at restaurants or bars, and act surprised to see us. One night she and her friend even joined us at our table! one night we were out for nice dinner for his Bday. He left for a long time for restroom (I was worried if he was feeling ok!). After dinner he insisted we go to a bar for one more drink. I later found out he had gone to bathroom to call OW #1, then had plans to see OW #2 at the bar! All of this right in front of me, while we're having wine and I'm telling him how proud I am that he's doing well at work, etc. Since I've filed for D, I have been receiving calls from other people about my H flirting with them or trying to buy them drinks. Other things happened in the past 20 years that were strange and I really should have known. I was so busy working full time and raising our 4 kids, mostly by myself. My WH compartmentalizes his A's. He says "all men do this." "It had nothing to so with you or our family." He says he never felt guilty bc what I didn't know wasn't hurting me. "I love you and never planned to leave you, but men just need variety." He was shocked that I told him I was filing for D. The strange thing is that the OW that I know are not that attractive. It's hard for me to understand how he risked our marriage and our family in order to have flings with unattractive women. I realize it was about the risk, and his ego. He is not with any of these women. Said he never loved any of them it was just about the risk. I wonder if he has Sex Addiction?

Posts: 53 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex was seeing 4 women when I caught him. In MC it came out that he had been unfaithful from square one. I asked, "Why did you ask me to marry you?" He said, "It's what people do." He also told me I should feel special because out of ALL of his women, I was the one he asked to marry him. He also told me he had no idea how many OW there had been - too many to count.

Right after he moved out he hooked up with another girlfriend, and told me he wanted to see if I was the reason he cheated, or if it was him. After a year and a half with her, his break up line was, "I like a lot of other women as much as I like you."

A leopard can't change it's spots.


D-Day Spring 2008
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 280 | Registered: Jan 2012
Trying2Survive1
♀ Member
Member # 40022
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the club too, sadly enough.


Madhatters, M 31 yrs
FWW/BS 57-BS/FWH 56
Separated 5 mos in 07.His DDay,11/07.False R since 07. My DDay,7/5/13."Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A leopard can't change it's spots.

They can if/when they chose to.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2424 | Registered: Aug 2012
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, I guess I fit here too. Like Thes at the top of this page, I feel like my WH just went off the rails this past 1.5 years. He had a LTA with one OW, a ONS with a second, and a ONS with a friend of mine. He was also constantly texting three other women--one he tried to meet for sex but supposedly failed, one that was probably a pretty decent EA. He also met at least 3 other people off affair sites.

I don't actually think he's an SA, based on what I've been reading....but he does have addictive tendencies sometimes do nothing is out of the realm of possibility.

He's remorseful and trying (at least I think he is), but after 3 months of TT, I'm always waiting for another bomb to drop. Which I guess is why I have anxiety now, lol. And ugh.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
Kitty70
♀ Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in this club too. And the sad thing is I feel like this club may exist on its own planet. Reading these stories about how one person is capable of carrying on multiple affairs at once (like in my situation) is beyond comprehension. How the heck are they so good at getting away with it. As a woman, I'm baffled I never found stray hairs, different smells, etc. Totally duped. It disgusts me how I've been duped, along with all of you. Mine has had multiple affairs over the years, and more recently I've come to realize he is either a narcissist or sex addict or both. I don't know. Just awful.


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
3Xthefool
♂ Member
Member # 40113
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Its been a while since I have posted in one of these threads. It seems this particular thread has been relatively slow except for a few entries recently.

I too belong in this thread like the rest of you.

my WW has had 5 affairs in our 11 year marriage. According to her, she was faithful for the first 2 1/2 years.

OM#1: ~3yrs(work associate)
OM#2: few months(work associate)
OM#3: 4yrs (work associate)
OM#4: few months (acquaintance)
OM#5: several months (work encounter)

Most of these were overlapping with each other. At one point she was juggling at least 3 other men in addition to me. What made it easy for her was the fact that we were living apart during the first 8 yrs of our marriage due to my work obligations.

I agree with Chico on some of his entries about one affair being "THE Affair".

For me that would be OM#3. That was the one that I first discovered when his wife called me up and told me. That was also the one she has had the most difficulty in ending. In fact, I don't feel 100% certain that it has ended. She was suppose to have ended it on DDay#1 but she has backslid a couple of times with the latest episode that I am aware of occurring when I was out of town on business in March. As far as I know, they have simply taken it underground and I just haven't found any evidence of it recently. The next time I find any evidence will be the final nail in the coffin for our marriage.

I think that everyone eventually reaches a point in which its not worth the trouble to fix someone who is broken inside.

Just out of curiosity, I would like to inquire to everyone in this thread the following:

who is still trying to reconcile with WS and who is gone/going through D? For those who went to D.....what was the breaking point for you that tipped the scale toward D?


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York City
Kitty70
♀ Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not married but was in my relationship 9 years. I knew things were off all along but I rugsweeped and so did he. Me b/c I'm afraid of confrontation, and also realizing I'm afraid to be alone. The tipping point for me was yesterday when I came to the realization that his friends/brother knew about the multiple women. I don't know what it is about that. I guess b/c I assumed he kept these other women hidden from them and everyone else, and I was the true girlfriend (or only girl so I thought). Seeing that he enjoyed dates and excursions with one woman in particular along with his buddies, made me want to throw up. It made me feel like nothing. That was the tipping point. I ended it last night.


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
Nitrobob
♂ New Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3xfool, I'm in there with you. My wife had 4 affairs and juggled them during a three month period where she went wild until I caught it. Only confessed to what I could prove( she even booked hotels on the credit card!!). So there could be more. Trying to reconcile says she loves me, was lonely, sex got boring, etc. I'm crushed. Two lives for me now. In one I try to smile and pretend my marriage is ok. In the the other, I weep privately and battle to take my next breath.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indianapolis
AppalachianGal
♀ Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. It seems I am now a member of this disgusting club. How do you get past more than one? I can't wrap my brain around the fact that he has had sex with not one, but at least 2, other women. I strongly suspect a 3rd and well, you know how our "gut feelings" always turn out. It doesn't seem to be about love. Though, he has told me time and time again that sex is emotional for him (at least with me). I am positive I am dealing with a personality disorder in him.

Laid out some terms for R (not sure I even want to R but told him some requirements anyway), one was IC and that I would be in the room at every visit. He has a habit of lying to his VA psychologists about me. Know this for a FACT. He said he didn't understand why I'd want him to have counseling. What did I think that would do? I was like "Wha...?"

And the lies. OMG. He even went to my mother in 2010 and lied to her about the ho-worker (OW#2), told her lies that didn't need to be told. I assume to get her on his side. God, when I re-read some of the stuff he has done, I'm beside myself wondering why I get a pang to R with this habitual lying, serial cheating, abusive alcoholic prick.

ETA - Oh, I'm not supposed to vent in here. Sorry. I seem to do that a lot. Sigh.

[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 1:14 PM, January 24th (Friday)]


BS (me) 41
WS, 44,
DDay#1- 09/07/2010 secret cell found, constant texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DDay#2- 12/29/2013 ONS (1993) with slut he met at a bar 3 yrs into marriage
DDay#3- 01/21/2014 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 409 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my wife in a 2 year period...

- guy 1 ONS in our car
- guy 2 sexting, chat, pics, planned 3-some that never happened, no cyber, one kiss
-guy 3 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, flirting, one kiss
-guy 4 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, no physical
-guy 5 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, no physical
-guy 6 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, no physical
-guy 7 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, no physical
-guy 8 sent pics but he never responded to them
-guy 9 4-6 month EA/PA, multiple sexual encounters. once brought him into our house while i was away and our daughter here, he spent the night. wife claims no sex in our house but "messing around" instead.
- guy 10 sexting, chat, pics, ONS at his house




8 months ago, wife admited to guy 9. claimed EA only with a few kisses. false R. 2-3 weeks ago, wife admitted to guys 2-7 and that guy 9 PA. TT over a few day period finally admitting to guy 1 and 10. guy 8 discovered this week, she forgot him amidst the others .

she wasnt attracted to and even disliked the guys, she went out of her way to find the most F'ed up guys possible. she pursued them, flirted with them, seduced them.

im not sure which is worse. the LTA that she tried to convince herself meant something or the ONS that clearly didnt or the guys she was keeping on a string with chat (for future sex or maybe just to amuse herself??). maybe one day i can say which bothers me more, right now im just and and


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 274 | Registered: Jan 2014
alleyk
♀ Member
Member # 42270
Frustrated  Posted: 2:10 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty sure I belong in this group...

Dday was 2 months ago. My WH since then has been trying to be an open book and give me access to his accounts and passwords (albeit reluctantly). I've scoured old phone records and emails, and I keep a watchful eye on his phone, emails, and social media. And haven't been too happy discovering that there are lots of different names, questionable contact (at early morning hours) and messages. No solid proof of anything, perhaps a bit of flirting, but I don't think I'll ever know the truth and I'm pretty sure he won't admit it out of fear of losing me.

Thing is he's a musician and travels the world, so I don't always know who he's with and whether these women are friends, networking connections, or something else like ONS groupies. I have known from early on in the relationship he was addicted to porn, but I always thought that was a fantasy world, and now I don't know what to think! I feel like I have been fooling myself all these many years, thinking he would never ever ever cheat on me!!

I have seriously lived my life for him and given him everything. I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough, that I can't give him everything he needs if he feels the urge to keep looking elsewhere. Trying to remind myself that it's his addiction and ego and shame that drive his behaviours. Is it possible to move forward and have a successful marriage with someone like that??


Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no attempt to pick up the martyrs cross - but being the BS with a serial cheater is a TOUGH row to hoe.

i dont mean to denigrate the pain that anyone else has gone through or their experiences. but it seems to me that we have the definite short end of the stick. ive read through the thread and maybe ive come out of this light (although it doesnt feel like it right now) but in 2 years my wife had

- a ONS with a "friend/co-worker" in our car. i am unsure if there was an EA involved. i cant really tell. the whole thing took place in a few weeks, he left, he got a gf, and they never really talked again. i think "just" sex but i do know they spent alot of time talking too.

- a LTA EA/PA and brought him into our house while i wasnt here. all of the betrayal and pain of my wife telling some guy she loves him, connecting to him on an emotional level, bonding with him, choosing to spend her time with him instead of her family, buying him presents, etc.

- two ONS with two different guys. my wife sought out two guys (she did all the searching, encouraging, and pushed them to happen) for "just sex". i cant even hold onto the thought that "well, she 'fell' for some guy and crazy and stupid as it was ... she basically gave in to temptation and selfishness because she was too weak to resist these feelings and didnt have appropriate boundaries". instead, these force me to see that she didnt need these feelings, she just did it even without them.

- multiple (7-10???) guys that she sexted with (including pics, etc) in bursts and fits during this time. one guy was on and off for almost the entire two years while some were "only" a few days here and there. with many of them they were exchanging sexual fantasies back and forth, a few tried to arrange PA (one tried to arrange a 3-some). one ONS guys came from amongst these guys. so i need to be aware of the fact that my wife "may" or "may not" have been subconciously "grooming them" and may or may not have been actually had sex with them if it had "worked out". she says no, she didnt plan that. but then again, what makes the ONS different than the rest? she doesnt really have an answer. she didnt really "think" or "plan" it with him so her failure to "think" or "plan" it with them doesnt mean it wouldnt have happened.

- a massive pattern of having poor or no boundaries in her personal life. like a guy and her at her family business are chatting back and forth. nothing too much. one day they are in the basement. he leans over and kisses her. she says she was shocked and angry at him, yelled at him, and it never happened again. however, it wouldnt have happened in the first place if she had boundaries. a guy who wants to get language lessons from her messaging her that he wants to meet in private for the lessons (and she doesnt understand "why" but still finds somewhere "private" - her brothers apartment - for them to meet but then decides not too when he keeps talking about how she has to wear this sexy black dress that he had seen her in). at no point does her brain click in and say WTF and stop it. she keeps chatting away with him. she loans the guy who kisses her 500 euros. she goes to clubs, people ask for her phone number, she actually gives it to them - apparently utterly convinced that its all innocent, nothing can ever happen, its just a number, and then shes in the rabbit hole.

- and reading some of the earlier posts i see there is something i have "yet" to experience that some of you have. my wife confined this to a 2 year period (i "think" and she says) whereas for some of you its been ongoing over a many year period. i think that is an additional difficulty to add to the mix for some.

i think the sheer volume of F'ed upness to the serial cheater is something that the the "average BS" doesnt have to deal with. i dont think they can comprehend how broken our WS is. i dont think they can understand why we stay with them. i dont think they understand how much fear we have that this is something so seriously wrong with the WS that it cant be "fixed".

i dont know. maybe im just wrong and i would love for someone to be able to tell me that im wrong.

[This message edited by william at 1:25 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 274 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 497
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.