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User Topic: Multiple Affairs
MarieD
♀ Member
Member # 14450
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only borderline membership here, but...

I found emails from WH to a college girl a couple years after we were married. She was fawning over him, letting her "teach" him how to be a sexual person (she'd had a sheltered life until leaving home for college). Oh, did that puff WH up. I don't think they ever did anything physical, just heavy, heavy flirting.

He found another college girl a few years later who also fawned over him (he LOVES that, and his personality just attracts them). I strongly believe they had a PA. H says no sex, but he agreed when I said "it was everything but". I still consider that an A.

Several others I think he had EAs with....heavy flirting, cyber sex, telling them all about how awful I was in the bedroom.

This last A was definitely a PA...the most serious of the bunch.

This time I'm confronting him and we're dealing with it openly (in the past I've simply documented the A and waited it out). This is the last time I'm accepting an A.

If there is another incident, he's out.


Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2007
socky1966
♀ Member
Member # 12173
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone

Not sure if I really should be here - not sure where I should be - my H didnt have "affairs" - he paid for sex with hookers multiple times

We are 9 months on and have had some MC and both had IC - he is continuing with IC.

He is remorseful - he is doing everything within his power to repair the damage he has done. He is being loving, caring, - doing everything he should be. I know he doesnt want to lose me or the family we have made together

He had opportunity overnighting on work related trips and had a "bit of fun" "lived out a fantasy" got some sleezy hooker (although he went for the high class ones - only the best) to dress up for him and fulfill his fantasies.

We have been to hell and back but we do love each other and we want our M to work.

The first 6 months were pure hell - i dont know how i functioned. It is getting better - as silly as it sounds we are a lot closer now than we were over the last few years. This has opened both our eyes to problems within the M.

I am having a tough time at the moment - just going back over and over and like everyone here - wondering have i got the whole truth. I know deep in my heart i havent - and i doubt i ever will. So am I in denial a little. Hell yes.

Anyway I feel like i have rambled now

This forum has been a godsend for me - just to know there are others going through the same emotions as me and knowing it is normal to be feeling the way i do

We are strong women and we will get through this


Posts: 594 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: australia
debbiedowner
♀ New Member
Member # 14349
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, May 11th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím relieved to find this topic. My SO and I have been together over 3 years, married by all standards (except the paper), and had a very strong, loving, respectful relationship - or at least I thought. I recently found out about multiple affairs - 3 PAs and 5 others that were not physical but just mostly him emotionally manipulating weak women-friends.

My SO is very remorseful. he had never been caught before, by me or his previous SOs, and after a 4-day-long D-Day he finally confessed all, including As I could have never discovered, plus other As in his past relationships. I donít much wonder if I got the whole truth, b/c I definitely got enough. He then flew home to his family and confessed everything to them, immediately started IC, and has owned up to all our mutual friends about what he had been doing. He says he want to fix himself, he doesn't want to live like this anymore, he'll do whatever it takes for himself, even if we can't be together again. But he desperately wants to do MC with me and try to work it out.

I'm still struggling with the idea of R. To be able to forgive and be able to move past MAs takes an extraordinary amount of strength...even though some will say only the weak ones reconcile, that is absolute bulls**t, IMHO. I would give anything to have had it been ďjustĒ a ONS.

I still love him and I know what he was doing had nothing to do with me. I believe he still loves me and I think he is sincere about wanting to "break the mold" and be a different/better person. But I have to be skeptical, to protect myself. I donít know if itís even possible for someone like him to change. But more than that, I know I cannot control anything he does, all I can do is decide if I am strong enough to stick with it, be able to forgive him and someday trust him again. I just donít know yet if I have the strength Ė this is what I am trying to work thru now.

Anyway, its nice to read about others' experiences with similar situations - thanks.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2007
pena
♀ Member
Member # 6468
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, May 11th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, does anyone know why? Why so many?


Dday: Feb.4/05
Me: BS 46
Him: WS 51

Posts: 112 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: california
MarieD
♀ Member
Member # 14450
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, May 13th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, does anyone know why? Why so many?

In my particular case, I think he got braver with every OW. The first wasn't a PA, and not even an EA probably...just the thrill of getting a young girl interested in sex. The second was a PA, but he insists they never had sex (I have no reason to believe that, but if it's true it matches my theory).

I knew about both, but chose to handle it without confronting him. That, in hindsight, was my biggest mistake. He thought he got away with the As, so when he found this willing OW he didn't hesitate.

If I hadn't caught this one, or if I hadn't confronted it, I'm positive there would have been others.


Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2007
wantmore
♀ Member
Member # 5939
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 13th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting.

I knew about both, but chose to handle it without confronting him. That, in hindsight, was my biggest mistake. He thought he got away with the As, so when he found this willing OW he didn't hesitate.

If I hadn't caught this one, or if I hadn't confronted it, I'm positive there would have been others.

In my case I knew something was wrong in my marriage, but thought his sexual problems were caused by his alcoholism, not by having another woman. And I chose to not confront that. And mine, too, got bolder and bolder since I didn't catch on to him. His head was up his ass, but mine was buried in the sand. More sanitary but still uncomfortable.


Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Of course it helps to know you *have* enemies.

Posts: 2887 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Florida
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, May 13th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, does anyone know why? Why so many?

I can only conclude my H is SA, sick. We're talking real multiples here. But the scary part is they were all similar (mostly hookers) in appearance and "attitude". I'm nothing like any of them. He still "visits" his preferred 'type' through porn and it tears me up inside every time. Knowing I'm not what he truly desires.

He loves me, just doesn't desire me. It's painfully obvious since I've gained back half the weight I lost, the desire on his part has nosedived.

If I don't physcially meet the requirements, who's to say he won't seek that out again?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
singintheblues
♀ Member
Member # 12897
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, May 17th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think any of us who decide to stay after finding out about multiple affairs are weak (of course not, since I am still fighting hard to save my marriage, right?) In my opinion, it's all about choices. I have invested over 20 years of my life with this man, and I knew he wasn't perfect -- while I didn't know how deep his demons went until our last D Day, I do see him confronting them and trying to work out his own "shit." It's debatable whether he's an actual sex addict, but clear that he is dealing with some type of addiction -- he has some need to feel attractive and adored by other women. Where this need comes from is way too complicated for a message here, but I do accept the fact that his childhood plays a huge part. Although it's an explanation, not an excuse, I do empathize with him on some level -- he is in a great deal of pain, as am I. If he can continue working through that pain and trying to become a better person, I can be patient and try to stay married to him, despite all the hurt he's caused. When I see him giving up, that's when I'll reconsider. For now, I'm hanging on!


Me - 45
WH - 47
Married 21 years

Multiple D Days: Still reconciling after all this time!
3 children
Reconciling after 1 D Day that revealed multiple affairs. So far, so good.


Posts: 129 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Ohio
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why so many?

WS didn't even realize HOW many until he had to write them all down. This guy can compartmentalize with the best of them.

As to the big WHY?

WS says that he wanted to be special to the FB's. He felt that by consenting to having sex with him, they thought he was "special" and felt something for him.

JMO here....but WS is an only child. Father was there but was "absent". WS was short and not popular. So he was constantly seeking affirmation. The FB's were a way for him to get affirmation that he was somebody.

His other answer to why so many was that he thought he was slick and was getting away with it. He won't admit to it, but I think he was notching his gunbelt or filling in a checklist. OK...so getting busted 7 times didn't make a lasting impression with him.

It's hard living with someone who didn't care enough about you to a)quit cheating on you, or b)tell the truth and get a divorce.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6330 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
blindfaith
♀ Member
Member # 11151
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess this is the closest forum that fits me.

My situation is really twisted! I found an email account and he confessed to an EA with a co-worker. I didn't believe that it was only EA, and pushed and snooped and he finally confessed to PA 5 months later.

I still had a nagging feeling that he was lying and kept us from moving on. Finally, another 6 months, and he confessed to 4 more OW's. 3 of them being 9 years ago.

I still didn't feel right and have always thought he was a little over the edge sexually, and he confesses to having homosexual thoughts.

It blew me away! He tells me about some homosexual experiences with a friend at 7-8 years of age. I told him that it didn't make sense how he would even know what to do. After talking to his brother and some hypnosis, it was discovered that he was sexually abused by an uncle from age 6-10.

He said he was never sexually aroused by women, just by the thought of sex and that he used fantasies of men to "get off" with the OW.

Needless to say, I was in shock! He questioned his masculinity and whether or not he was gay. Since his therapy, it seems it was his thinking because he thought he must be gay, but is not. Since treatment, no more gay fantasies and he is much more relaxed and "the look" is gone in his eyes. I can't really explain "the look", but it was almost wild whenever sex was mentioned or thought of.

The first 3 OW were also co-workers and were short term, when my son was in the hospital and I wasn't around to "satisfy" him. The last 2 were when I personally was sick (they thought I had cancer) and wasn't physically able to "satisfy" him.

We've been through hell and he has changed a lot. Sex is no longer a priority to him. Our problems mostly stem from inability to communicate. He seems like a child in some ways. According to the therapist, SAB can stunt a person emotionally at the age that it occured and I can believe that.

I'm having the hardest time with FIVE females!!! I never had a clue!!!! I feel so stupid!!!!

Sometimes I wonder if I'm staying because I feel sorry for him. Or is it the kids. Or is it that I have invested so much time in this marriage and don't want to see it end. I don't really know. I love him. I hate him. I waiver from day to day. Heck, minute to minute.


Posts: 207 | Registered: Jun 2006
whyus
♀ Member
Member # 14733
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can someone have multiple ONSs - when you were dating, engaged , and married? - yet not say they are addicted to sex?

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2007 | From: southeastofdisorder
ThyrceIdiot
♀ Member
Member # 14691
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to say this thread applies to me.

My husband of 16 years began having an inappropriate relationship with a coworker in year 5, and I found out about her because she began calling the house and hanging up (good ole *69)...found an email that seemed rather intimate for a coworker to be sending...and by asking his friends.

This was easy to excuse because it appeared to be the woman pursuing him instead of the other way around, at least that's how it was presented to me, and my naive self wanted to believe it so badly.

Months after this, however, I accidentally found another email from a different coworker that simply read, "Now, now, don't call her a bitch. She's still the mother of your children." This was the day after he'd spent 3 hours at a "guy friend's" house helping "him" put together a computer desk. Of course he came home and told me all about the evening, struglinng with the desk, the guy's family, even made up imaginary kids and gave them names and personalities - all completely fabricated.

He was confronted, remorseful, fessed up after a great deal of talking, and I don't know or care if it became physical because it was going to if it didn't. We sought marriage counseling for several months and made a lot of progressed, reconciled, and honest-to-God I've considererd our marriage STRONGER because of it.

I no longer had the unrealistic image of what a real husband was, and invested more time into me instead of losing myself in the children.

Fast forward 11 years to the present. An old girlfriend found the husband on myspace. He told me about it, we joked, he was flattered that she looked him up. I trusted him and felt no threat whatsoever. She forwarded him a few photos of them young, and still, complete trust and no worries.

Last weekend, he planned a trip out of state for a special event (I won't go into detail, but the hobby is harmless), giving me a story about how he needed to get back into an old hobby of his, and could he take the "good" car or should he rent? I supported this, as he does not have many hobbies anymore, and being my helpful self, got online to try and find a closer location for him to drive to (his choice was 5 hours away).

That's when I realized he was lying, and I was absolutely shocked. I wanted so badly to be wrong, and gave him rope after rope, with which he continued to hang himself. Lie after lie before he even knew I was onto him.

I figured out his location was half way between us and the old girlfriend, confronted him with this, and although he lied about it, I saw his lie and was devastated. He's been having an EA with this woman for a couple of months, and they'd finally planned to meet up and consumate. She is married also, so I contacted her husband about the weekend. She had lied to her husband about the weekend also.

I am feeling like my husband is a complete stranger, stuck in some kind of midlife crisis, and thinking with nothing but his man parts! He's started smoking again after 7 years of smoke-free breathing. He made so many stupid mistakes in trying to cheat on me, and I am wondering if he ever stayed because he loved me, or just because it was too hard to cheat?

I do not believe a word he says. He has started back to counseling, but I am not optimistic as he has a hero complex and I will never idolize him again. I can forgive a mistake, but this many times looks like a pattern of behavior, and that sounds like a big fat character flaw...something that will never change.

I am riding the emotional rollercoaster right now, hating him at present, and wanting to cause him major emotional pain. Unhealthy as it is, I would like nothing more than to see him cry. I feel like everything in my future is tainted now - the vacation we've planned, the weekend BBQs, the get-togethers. All of it is ruined because he is a lying cheat.

Yep, that's why I'm on this thread.

[This message edited by ThyrceIdiot at 10:20 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]


"Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on."

"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew."
~ Henry Rollins


Posts: 317 | Registered: May 2007
mrf975
♀ New Member
Member # 14776
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been there Ladies..I emplore you..GO..cut your losses now...

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:31 AM, May 30th (Wednesday)]


"the only man I trust is a dishonest man-You can always trust him to be dishonest"--Capt..Jack Sparrow

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2007
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I belong here too, but because I discovered everything at one time, it feels like only one. I was very, very thorough in my investigation (hired PI, installed GPS on car and continued surveillance for over a year...yes, it was costly, but worth it).

Discovered that after 13 years of marriage (at which point we had drifted apart emotionally & sexually and neither of us bothered to do anything about it), WH began visiting massage parlors for massages with happy endings. Then had ONS with exotic dancer from strip club. THEN progressed to EA and PA with woman who occasionally cut his hair.

It didn't take a Phd to figure out he was lonely and looking for physical and emotional comfort. By the time I discovered it all, he was in pretty deep with the hairdresser...thought he was in love. Long story short, I threw him out and filed for divorce. Things between him and the hairdresser went sour, so he tried dating and found that all women want the same thing...a loyal, committed, decent, honest guy. I, meanwhile, was living the 180 and acting like I couldn't care less what he did. That made me attractive to him and he begged me to take him back.

It's been three years now, and I know that this two year period of time in his life was an aberration of who he really is. I think for alot of men, it starts out with one thing and then progresses to more. In my case, I think he wanted to get caught. Our marriage was so bad, he wanted to use his cheating as a way out. He knew I wouldn't tolerate it.

I realize alot of people advise against making such big decision so quickly, but I feel that my biggest advantage is filing for divorce so quickly after dday. I made it VERY clear to him when I took him back that should he cheat again, I'd refile for divorce and it WOULD go through...he would get only ONE 2nd chance.

So far, R has been going very well. His life is an open book and when I check occasionally, my surveillance turns up nothing. He (and I) are different people now. MC helped alot and we've learned ignoring marital problems never makes them go away...they only get worse. Communication, consideration, and mutual respect go a long way in keeping a couple close.

I still struggle sometimes with what he did and that is why I am here. But I really can't fault him at this point because he's done all he can to help me heal. I'm hoping reading and helping others will continue to push me toward full R.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002
DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.

Posts: 316 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
luvb4udie
♀ Member
Member # 14671
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm your newest member to the multiple affairs forum. Geez, as if I don't have enough on my plate already.

Anyways, My WB has had numerous affairs to which he claims nothing physical only emotional. Yeah right! There are so many that I've lost count.

I am trying now to figure out what to do with my life and how to help my children overcome another crisis in our family. Hugs to all on SI.


There is no cure without confrontation!

Never ignore a gut feeling, but never believe that it's enough.

Often it is the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them.
-Hermann Hesse


Posts: 153 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Central Florida
okaynow
♀ Member
Member # 13813
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out this afternoon that I belong on this thread also. Yuck.

WH had an affair that I discovered in Feb 07. He claimed it was over...many times...and I finally thought it was about 2 wks ago, and I thought we were on the road to reconcilation.

Today I discovered that he is having another affair. This one with a woman he met at church and who attended a weekend church retreat over Memorial day. BTW - did I mention that was also the weekend of our wedding anniversary? #18?

So - here I am, a member of a group I never wanted to belong to.


Married 18 yrs, together 25+.
D-day: 2/18/07.
1 child
The story doesn't really matter anymore. Time is a great healer. Life is good.

Posts: 2425 | Registered: Mar 2007
ohsolost
♀ Member
Member # 10330
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am joining effective today. I found out that wh/stbx had been having an EA with someone he met while running sil's bar business. I found out about the phone calls and he said that he was just making sure she made it home, and he had also given her rides a few times. There was a time when he toldme that SHE was crazy, andthat it would be easier for me if I didn't check his voicemail.

I told him that, if it were not for me checking around, I wouldn't have known about OW#1 and I definetely would not have found out about OW#2. She is #2 because he admitted to calling her too much, although they didn't have sex. Sadly, you all have said the same thing with the same result: you were lied to.

I'm heartbroken, and pissed that, after he knew the pain the PA put me throuhg, yet he connects with another woman. WTF is wrong? He can't connect with me,or he chooses to look elsewhere. Like someone said, it could be a mid-life crisis.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.


BS-me 41 WH-him 45
Married 20 yrs, together 22 yrs
3 beautiful kids 16, 13, 9
DDay 4/5/06
DDay#2 12/3/07(OW#2)
Filed D 6/1/09
D final 11/3/09
9/10/11 Dating and enjoying life
4/7/12 Been with Fireman 7 months and going strong :~)

Posts: 2861 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Idaho
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 30th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As my name implies, I wife had five a's. Three were emotional, two were sexual. The first sexual was within 8 months of our getting married. That hurt when I found it out.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35369 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
sasanini
New Member
Member # 15280
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought my story was very unique until I visited this thread. Now it just seems a little unique. My WH is a multiple offender and there have been so many D-Days during which he confesses to multiple affairs and promises to never do it again that I don't keep track of them anymore. We have been married for four years only. He just confessed his latest on 7/2/07 after being faithful for seven months.I am ready to call it quits. But we have 2 kids under 4 . So I sit still all day asking Now what?

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: US
deservebetter
♀ New Member
Member # 15123
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also part of this group...It may sound bad but it feels good to not be the only one. You know how you sometimes feel that you are...until you come on here and see all of the destruction. Anyways....My husband had a 2 month EA online in 2003. We reconciled then in June 2007 I found phone calls that in turn led to him confessing to having an online affair for 8 months with 1 ow. A week after I found those phone numbers he went and met her and had a PA. I told him I wanted a divorce ...He says he thought we were all over so he figured he had nothing else to lose. HA! Well we are trying to reconcile again...It is soooo hard...I know in my heart thought that I am following the 3rd strike rule ....The next time I am going straight to the lawyer and filing. If there is a next time which I pray there isnt ....He knows this also...he has done everything so far that I have asked to reconcile. I was having issues with him not wearing his wedding band but he put that on for me today YEAH!!! Anyways good luck to everyone. Thanks for reading my long story!


BW:36(ME)
WS:36(HIM)
MARRIED 9 YEARS TOGETHER 11
2 KIDS 7YRS AND 1 1/2
DD#1 AUGUST 19, 2003
DD#2 JUNE 6, 2007
DD#3 JUNE 13, 2007
DD#4 AUGUST 30,2007

Working on a better marriage


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