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User Topic: Multiple Affairs
megT
♀ Member
Member # 13879
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I belong here, but I am seeking answers.

My husband has been having affairs throughout our marriage, where he has had a collection of female friends, who know he is married, and who each thought they were the only one he cheated with. Since he is a nice guy, they assumed he had a weakness for them, an itch to scratch, and were flattered he called on them. These women signed up for this role and knew he would not leave me. I never received a mysterious phone call or letter. They stayed in the background. When dday came, he contacted all and said 'do not call, I am working on my marriage.' They have all stuck to this. No contact. Perfect.

Is this considered multiple affairs, or a mutual admiration society?

Now that I know, the fun is gone.

Can this really be the end of the affairs and we can start anew?

I am wondering why I believe it to be so, but am scared too.

[This message edited by megT at 8:11 PM, July 11th (Wednesday)]


DJP - Don't judge the past... Don't waste God's graces given today on the future. Live in the moment.

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, does anyone know why? Why so many?

With my husband, I see a clear pattern of, when the marriage is rough, he runs to another woman for ego strokes (and other strokes, too, I'm pretty sure.)

OW1 happened when we were separated for 9 months. Although, given other circumstances, of his sister pushing hard for him to divorce me, prior to the separation, I do wonder if he was already 'seeing' ow1 before the separation, and has let me believe they only 'became friends' during it. He continued his friendship with her for 13 years before I really found out the extent of it and got angry enough to threaten to leave him if it didn't stop.

OW2-- I don't know much about her except that he was having weekly coffee dates with her for at least a year and telling me he was taking a nap on the way home from work. Our marriage was sort of surviving at that point, but not really great, because the sil issue (mentioned above) was never resolved.

OW#3 started up after my 'best friend' broke my confidence. I'd been very frustrated with dh and many issues in our marriage. My friend went behind my back and gave wh her very wrong interpretation that I WAS going to divorce him, no matter what. "And" (I quote) "there's nothing you can do about it." I believe at that point, he truly thought I'd dragged him halfway across the country with the intention of divorcing him and marrying a guy I haven't talked with in 20 years. So (I believe) he knew who had a reputation and would put out, and started something with her.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meg, I could have written your post. I can't believe how many female friends wh has, including many I know very little about. But my alarms only go off with the three of them. There's something distinctly wrong with those three.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In talking about it, we found that my WW didn't want a confrontation with me, so she'd tell the OM. They would give her what she needed, and she'd get close with them. After the first one, she'd tell the others that she had strayed before. That opened the door. I'm mad that I wasn't given the chance to prove myself at the time. I'm not perfect, but I think things would have gone differently if she'd talked ot me instead of the others.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
megT
♀ Member
Member # 13879
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Capri,
The problem with these friends, is that the word friend is incorrect. These women only job was to say pleasant things that stroked my WS ego. Husband is hometown hero. Strokes were easy, whenever someone gushed over meeting him. It is hard to resist fawning when you are down about work, family, etc. They were always glad to hear from him. Stroke again. They were willing to sleep with him, even if only once a year. Stroke again. What a nice group of friends.


DJP - Don't judge the past... Don't waste God's graces given today on the future. Live in the moment.

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2007
Marlene1
Member
Member # 15332
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my husband's affairs stemmed from pressure from other men. His friends had "mistresses" and seemed to be a status symbol for them. He is from another country, and the wives always suspect their husbands of cheating, and the men cheat. I thought we were different. I thought we were stronger than that. I thought that if I didn't "nag" him all the time like his friend's wives did, then he wouldn't cheat. I thought we told each other everything. His friend's wives even told me that they really liked my husband because he was a good influence on their husbands. When I went to go live in his home country it was very disturbing. He would go out with his friends drinking, expecting me to be content staying home every night. It was awful. Now, I figure out that his friends would have "mocked" him for taking his wife to a bar, nightclub, etc. Isn't it more impressive to have a hot young girl sitting next to you. And, I was actually looking really good back then. But, you know wives are for at home. I told him I would never visit there again, and I refuse to be treated like that right in front of my face. This is why I know there is no hope for our future together. He is making plans to retire in his home country. I told him go ahead, but I am not going with you. I don't know how they can think this is a great way to live their lives? It is miserable for me, and the other many wives out there. However, I have a choice. They don't, there is no divorce in their country.

Posts: 1343 | Registered: Jul 2007
Marlene1
Member
Member # 15332
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

megT,

How are things going? I feel like we are the same. I have never heard a "peep" out of any other women. The only way I knew is from the trails he left behind. He won't admit it, and they won't so I am left feeling like I am crazy. I know he would never leave me, but that almost makes it worse because it leaves me wondering: When will it ever end??????

[This message edited by Marlene1 at 6:50 PM, July 15th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1343 | Registered: Jul 2007
lmwk123
♀ Member
Member # 15229
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In reading some of the posts alot of women were pregnant at the time of h affair. I know my h had A about a week after I lost a baby and then another A with the neighbor/friend across the street when I became pregnant again. He claims A started after Valentine's day last year but claims to not remember if it was before or after I told him I was pregnant. I told him exactally 1 week after Valentine's day I was expecting. He never remembers anything so I don't see how he remembers A starting after V-Day and not knowing if I was pregnant or not. I think he does know and just won't say. Why do you think some A occur during this period?


A- 11/06-5/07
I believe more A's throughout
3 kids
together 16 yrs

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
Life is a test.


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting observation, lmwk. In my case, we have so many children, it goes without saying I would have been pregnant during almost any of these, lol...

...but, yes, I was pregnant during the time he was spending every Friday night at parties with ow1. Depending what the full truth is about ow2 and the weekly coffee dates, I was pregnant with either one child or the twins who followed him. And I was pregnant during the first few months of ow3.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
hope4better
♀ Member
Member # 14919
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like I belong here too. My STBXH cheated on me 4 times that I am aware of. I'm sure there are more but at this point, I really don't care....I'm done! 4 was enough for me to finally wake up and see him for who he really is. I just can't take it anymore. I deserve better than this! Hell, WE ALL deserve better than this!


Me: BW-35
Him: WH-35
Kids: 13 and 2yrs (both kids are his)
DDay #1: Summer of 1998 (ow#1)
DDay #2: Summer of 2003 (ow#2)
DDay #3: Summer of 2004 (ow#3)
DDay #4: Summer of 2005 (ow#4 21yr old) He kept this one
Married: 6yrs Divorced: 2007

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: midwest
Nvrthesame
Member
Member # 15656
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's see....

FWH had numerous affairs over the course of our relationship (we dated 6 or so years before getting married in 2004).

There are a 3-4 women I don't know, the others I do...

OW#1- Former co-worker (she, FWH and I worked at the same place for a while).

OW#2- FWH's cousin got married in 2005...OW is the wife's sister.

OW#3- Best friend of the same cousin's wife (see OW#2)

OW#4- My son's former day care teacher! This one REALLY got me pissed!

The OW#2 is the only PA he had after we got married. He had an EA with a girl who went to the same school he was taking classes at (spoke to that one.. she was a real doozy).


"Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath."
-- Michael Caine

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them."
-- Galileo Galilei


Posts: 434 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: VA
Aphrodite07
♀ Member
Member # 15329
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 24th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any of u who have suffered because of WS multiple affairs...have u all left them or are you still with them?

My first DDay I was a year ago. It was an A my WS had with OW I used to work with. I thought it was an A only with her and he had never been with anyone else.

This month I discover there is a new OW, albeit she lives abroad, but he has had some ONS also and god knows how many other semi-long PA with other women I still know nothing about.

I'm still so shoccked by this discovery. I'm not saying the first and what I though "only" affair was easy to get over.....i'm still not even over that, but it was easier to handle than the discovery that he's probably been unfaithful the entire relationship and marraige.

But I'm still with him...he doesn't know I know about the multiple ONS and PA...I'm just trying to figure out what to do


WS: 29
ME: 25
DDay 1: 22/06/06
DDay 2: 19/07/07

Just found out our R has been a big lie - trying to find the strength to leave

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)


Posts: 199 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Ireland
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 25th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I only knew about the one OM. As we were reconciling, I found out there were four others, starting 8 months after we were married. It really sucks, but we are still together. MC is helping us immensely.

How can you keep it to yourself knowing about the others? I let FWW know I had found out there was more about 5 seconds after she got home that night!


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Hosea2007
♀ Member
Member # 14896
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 30th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't ask me how I didn't know, because I'm still wrestling with that one!! He's a pilot and thus was able to have an honest-to-goodness double life going!
There are 7 admitted affairs and other "inappropriate relationships". Mostly flight attendants and first officers. Heck! The hotel rooms were being paid for by the company--how convenient. (Now I can barely stay in a hotel for all the triggers they provide!) We have 5 sons and I am praying fervently for this generational sin to be broken right here!!! One of the A took place while I was 9 months pg with #4 and he went back to her while the baby was 9 days old on home phototherapy and the baby WOULD NOT sleep---me home after delivery, with 4 children--some "honorable man" (that's what he'd say if I ever asked him if he ever was tempted to have an A with any of those flight attendants, I'm an "honorable man").
We are attempting R and it was going pretty well until I started having some problems dealing with all his TRUTH again. Now he keeps saying that I'm dwelling on it and wallowing in it. Not sure I'm going to successfully make it through all these one year markers WITH HIM if he can't show some real life compassion!!! I wrote him a letter to that affect today and hopefully he'll listen with his heart. He's in a 12 step program for sexual addiction and so I know he's working on his stuff, but I'm tired of hearing that I'm not where I OUGHT to be--according to the betrayer!!!!
Okay. Back to sanity. We have 5 boys and I really do feel there is reason to hope that the changes he's making will stick. It just hurts more than anything I could have ever imagined and when doesn't show compassion; well I lose even more respect for him (not that there's much left as it is!)
So that's the gist of it and where I am today. Tomorrow, I have learned from experience, WILL be different--one way or the other. I am praying for us all. Blessings all around!!


Hosea 3:1 (edited to my situation) "The LORD said to me, "Go, show your love to your husband again, though he is an adulterer. Love him as the LORD loves the Israelites."
Me-43, Him-45, 5 sons, M-17y.
7OW,5DDays; last 1/07
In R

Posts: 289 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Arkansas
Mommato4
♀ Member
Member # 15906
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, September 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had 2 affairs and multiple inappropriate "flirtations" as he calls it with about 3 other woman(all co-workers)

His first was 5 years into marriage and was an online affair-he went looking because he felt lonely on adult friend finder (EA for 4 months which turned PA-I was never told it was a PA until it came out during his last A)

His second A was this year with a co-worker who is married. It was an EA/PA that lasted 6 weeks. I called her and asked WTF-and she called it off(BTW-she knew that I knew about them and they continued on with it cause it was true love)


Updated 2013:
BS-me 40
XH-doesn't matter
4 kids D16, D15, S12, S7
Together 15+yrs, Married 12+yrs
D-days-multiple
Separated 11/9/07
Divorcing-I filed 4/29/08
Divorced-7/25/08

Posts: 1347 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PNW country
naivegirl
♀ Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, September 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here to. My husband has had 2 one night stands, one emotional affair and a long term affair. He also kissed another girl he met when he was out of town. He also spent five years on an off looking at personal adds. Never responded to them supposedly. Like others my husband often did this in time of stress or change in our life. I'm so gald for this site, Without it I would feel like the only person in the world trying to reconcile with someone that has treated me this poorly. It is hard to live in the now when he has done all of this. I never found out anything until this year. The long term affair gave him away.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2007
katiej
♀ Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for everyone one here. How do you know when your WH has "just" had multiple A's, ONS, etc. or did that because he was a sex addict?

My FWH and I went to MC and IC. After alot of trickling, it ends up that he met two women in bars and developed an online R with them that led to months later meeting in person for a PA. Also met several OW for "coffee" only through online dating sites, hooked up with a secretary from another facility that he met through work. Did have a LTA with OW for 1 1/2 years but was seeing the others at the same time.

So I have read stories like this in this forum and my question came about because the IC felt that FWH is a type of sex addict. Not into porn, ONS, spending money on sex, etc. He wanted the adoration and affection of the OW and to escape the "real world". He would hate himself after but would then justify it in his own mind for two reasons - to feel better about himself so he could look in the mirror, and so that he could continue that escape when real life crept in.

He goes to the SAA groups (I insisted he attend the first), and now truly does see the addiction in this. He needed the adoration "fix" and the sex really was secondary; but who doesn't like feeling desired by many of the opposite sex? Especially when your self esteem is tanked and you have lost your values and moral sense?

So IMHO, either he isn't a sex addict, or there are alot more of this type out there than have been identified.

If the difference is that they hate themselves after they do it but can't stop and the others don't hate themselves but always feel justified, then just maybe I'm happy that he is a SA?


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007
katiej
♀ Member
Member # 14724
DOH!  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I know that I am a killer of threads! How can a person kill a thread in the I Can Relate forum!!! ???


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007
LLady8
♀ Member
Member # 10284
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Katie,

No, you're not a threadkiller - some of us just don't come here very often.

From everything I've read about sex addicts, serial cheaters, etc., it's my understanding that sex addicts are escaping an internal pain that they don't know how to deal with any other way. So they get their "sex fix" which makes them feel better for a short period of time until they feel bad enough again to do it again. I guess you can equate it to any other addiction. When you're feeling low, you seek out what makes you feel high about yourself. It's also a way of burying, avoiding, and not facing your true feelings about yourself.

I guess I prefer to call my WH a serial cheater. When an opportunity came along and it felt good, he went for it. He was escaping the realities of life when he did it....and into a short-term fantasy world. It was funner and easier than dealing with the serious issues of marital conflict and fatherhood.

I really think there are varying extremes of sex addiction. Have you read any of Gary Zukav's books? His book "The Heart of the Soul" talks about addictive sex. He states that addictive sex is a craving for meaning and purpose. It is weakness drawn to weakness. Two people using one another to feel worthy. It is using another person to create relief from your pain. Addictive sex is a symptom - painful emotions are the cause.

Our counselor really discounts all the label-making that our society does with "sex addicts, etc. I asked him if my husband was a sex addict and he just said "it depends on what you think a sex addict is". He tells us the mind is a powerful thing and we can change any thing if we want to. It takes a lot of pain in one's life before they can make the change, but that pain is the answer to really changing your life. I'm happy to report that because of the pain(of what he did and possibly losing his family)my WH has changed and says he will never go back there(never say never!). His actions convince me and his pain and remorse back it up. Actually, we've both changed and have a better marriage now than we ever did before - "No pain, no gain".

Good Luck to you!!!


BW - me; WH - him
In R since first dday

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
ThyrceIdiot
♀ Member
Member # 14691
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, October 4th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I prefer to call my WH a serial cheater. When an opportunity came along and it felt good, he went for it. He was escaping the realities of life when he did it....and into a short-term fantasy world. It was funner and easier than dealing with the serious issues of marital conflict and fatherhood.

I agree with this. I also agree that MC's or IC's and the media get crazy with the term 'sex addiction'. It's sensational, it gets ratings, but is it real? Well the euphoria you feel from sex can be addictive to some degree, but I cannot equate it with alcoholism or drug addiction that eventually changes the physiological structure of the brain and does irreperable damage. Maybe that's just me.

If it were pure sex addiction, it wouldn't matter who it was with, or what it was, it would be sex with anyone (that met the criteria), including paying for it. Why go to the trouble of courting someone and hiding it all? Repeated affairs are a result of pain that the person is trying to medicate.


"Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on."

"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew."
~ Henry Rollins


Posts: 317 | Registered: May 2007
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