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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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little turtle posted 8/4/2007 11:14 AM

add me to the list. WS moved in with OP the same week that he left me to "think" about our marriage and what he wants in life.

I don't have a D-Day because he moved out before cheating... suppose it was an emotional affair, but hard to tell. I feel betrayed nontheless. The last night he slept at home was July 23. I'd say D-day was July 29, the day he came home... said he wanted to be back with me, then changed his mind and went back to her.

betterdaysahead posted 8/8/2007 19:53 PM

I posted a long time ago but feel the need to post again.

My stbxh moved out June 2006 and began living with OW. They are still together. We had been married for over 25 years.

It's been a hard year but I am managing. I am healing and moving forward. No remorse from him. We have never talked. Email only but very rarely, probably one every 3 months. All our communication is through lawyers. He sees his 15 year old son about an hour or two a month.

Lately I have come to realize that he is "erasing" us from his life. I honestly believe that he is trying to rid the last 25 years of his life from his memory. He makes his support payments on time and that is that.

Very sad for my kids. I am trying to help them cope with this. His family has turned their back (except his brother who is a minister) on us also.

Just needed to vent I suppose.

lra90 posted 8/9/2007 20:20 PM

Here's my situation......

My WH and I have been separated since Feb '06. He now lives with his parents and brother in a 3 BR/2 BA 1500 sq foot house.

He sees HER when he wants to, spends the night when he wants to (mommy washes his clothes when he brings them home from HER house). Mom says nothing about this arrangement BTW. But, WH doesn't want to live with OW/GF (fear that too much togetherness will ruin their relationship?)

So my question is....did he leave me for HER or just to have a Peter Pan existance? I honestly don't know any more.

Dreamboat posted 8/9/2007 20:46 PM

I have the same question. X did move out to "live" with her, but her visitors visa was about to expire so he knew it would not be for long. His sis (evil bitch) got him the apt and he signed the lease sight unseen. Then a few months later he moved in with his sis.

He and OW still maintain a LDR. He spends most of his time at his business because he does not want to deal with his parents or sis or her hubby. He has admitted that he hates it there.

He threw away DD and I. Quit his job and moved and did nothing for 6 months (while I paid the mortgage and all of the bills -- fucker) When he sees DD it is always vacation. He does not deal with the day to day stuff of raising a child. When she "visited" him this summer she spent most of her time with her cousins at Granma's house. Yet he claimed that he was "taking care of her" -- HA!

Yeah, he could not deal with the responsibility of the obligations that HE wanted. So he just quit life.

I wish I had the pleasure of quitting life....

lra90 posted 8/9/2007 20:58 PM

When WH does get the kids for his visits (every other weekend) usually Grandma does the "taking care of " the kids. She cooks their meals (she has to cook anyway), she washes their clothes (she had clothes that needed washing anyway), she entertains them (WH needs to see how the Cubs are doing).

Then I'm left to wonder just how much time does he spend with his kids.

OW/GF did want him to move in with her when he first left here, but he said no-it didn't feel right. Now she lives with a co-worker and has WH over for spend the night parties.

I just don't know what he's doing. It pisses me off that he lives the life of Riley while I'm left to see to the day to day needs of our 3 kids.

Sadmadglad posted 8/9/2007 21:27 PM

Wow, I am a little slow, didn't see this site until now. I am right there with everyone else. He left 4 days after D-Day 4/9/07. He's with OW. He does have an apartment with his brother for 10 y/o D's visits, but basically he lives with her. I don't think D has met her, but not sure. Don't want the immoral woman to be in her life or our lives.


Sadmadglad posted 8/9/2007 21:45 PM

Better Days,
I was with H for 24, m-21 and my WH doesn't have contact except though email. No remorse. I don't understand it at all and never will. But, I'm moving on.

I'm sorry that your stbxh doesn't see your son, but once a month. My thoughts are with you and your son.

betterdaysahead posted 8/10/2007 11:44 AM

Thanks Sad

I tend not to give much thought to this any longer. It causes far too much pain. I only think of it when I am going to the lawyer.

But my son has endured far too much.

I have a post in D/S about his role model. It is a positive post.

Our community has taken care of to speak.

hope4better posted 8/20/2007 16:30 PM

Oh boy, I'm on a roll! I now belong to this and the multiple affairs group....lucky me.

It appears he is still with OW#4. I wouldn't say he exactly left me for her. I put him out and I guess since she was the last familiar female for him, he just stuck with her or maybe he really is that into her, who knows (personally, I think he just doesn't know how to be by himself). She is the worst of the bunch to say the least. No job, a 5yr old by another man, she's only 23, lives with mommy/daddy and siblings, has a suspended probationary license and can't spell for shit (I saw a ltr she wrote to him, it was truly sad) and to top it off, she cheated on him recently! This really hurts. I'm totally opposite and he chose her over me! He is even aware that she cheated but he still stays with her, go figure! I don't get's so frustrating to not understand the why's of this whole situation. Had I known that to keep my family together, all I needed to do was cheat and let him find out, I would have done it a long time ago! Ok, truth be told, I wouldn't have actually cheated as I don't have it in me but I would have let him THINK I did. I could have borrowed one of my friend's BF's to corrobrate my fake affair.

yougogirl posted 8/21/2007 11:16 AM

Here's my question - for all of those whose WSes left for the OPs, what were the signs in hindsight?

My WH is acting extremely weird, and strange things are happening. I don't know if he's leaving, there's an OC and/or what the hell is happening!

PLEASE give me what signs you missed and/or saw and didn't chalk up to the WS leaving (at the time). Any and all insight! The speculation is driving me crazy.

devastated07 posted 8/21/2007 11:20 AM

- emotionally distant
- cold emotion (kisses feel different)
- late nights at the computer or phone (my WH didn't come to bed until 3am on a work night)

Sadmadglad posted 8/21/2007 20:45 PM

Yes, emotionally distant. Constantly on the phone and/or computer. Conversations about divorcee's, such as saying "My aren't A and B getting along well after their divorce."
Very short tempered. Going out with the guys a lot.

betrayedarmyw posted 8/22/2007 09:14 AM

My H lost all concern for the domestic things around the house that he used to do. (Mowing the lawn, fixing things) I think that mentally he was already picturing himself out of the house.

He would be anxious to be leaving home and always late coming back. He had other really classic signs like nursing his cell phone, clearing the history, and lots of excuses.

I think I should have known when the man I know (who hates shopping) bought himself new underwear (oh yeah red ones). I was so stupid for trusting him.

amiafool posted 8/22/2007 17:18 PM

hi new to this forum and hope to meet some people who can relate.

My H left may o6 after I confronted him about OP and well he lived with her and has his own place for 15 mon now.

he claims he filed for D but I have as of yet not been served with papers. My L has not called me.

do they ever just wake up and realize they made a mistake? or after this long do I just give it up? this is where I am at limboland is not fun.

I refuse to D him he left and he committed adultry so I need to sit tight according to my L and let him do the filing.

It was an EA before a PA and he has known her 2-3 yrs total. She is D 2 yrs ago and a yr older than him and 4 yr older than me. To top it all off he works with her at least 3 days a wk up close and personal she is a nurse anesth. and he is a surg.

just need some place to come and hopefully find someone with a sim. sitch or some new friends to talk to and give me some support when things start to nose dive.


amiafool posted 8/22/2007 17:33 PM


mine did one arm hugs a few wks before he left, and love ya in the morning turned into see ya and that is when my radar went up.

I went about it the wrong way I should have watched for longer and did some indepth cking before confronting...

like the cell bill online can be viewed call by call. even if you do not get a printed bill ea month. he started calling her 2 mon before leaving but I did not know this until he left and she changed her # the day he left.

looking back I see so many things that were signs I was just in denial.

Dreamboat posted 8/27/2007 11:47 AM


looking back I see so many things that were signs I was just in denial.

Oh yes, me too. My X left DD and I shortly after d-day at the urging of his sister.

He is still with OW although they do not currently live together. There were several times that I *thought* he was waking up, but he was gaslighting me because he wanted something from me.

LADYBUGGER posted 8/29/2007 09:05 AM

Mine left and is living with her. Says that he never loved me, because now that he knows what love is, we never had it.

queequeg posted 8/29/2007 14:29 PM

I would like to get some feedback from other BSs whose WSs have left them to marry the OP and live happily ever after.

Does that interfere with your ability to believe in the "fogginess"?

Does that make you feel that you were either somehow inadequate to the spouse or seriously alienating?

It seems to me that it is a lot easier to accept the fog if the A either dissolves, or the WS shows at least some remorse.

Does anyone else feel that WSs left for marriage with the OP have a separate set of issues around understanding affairs?

learningasIgo posted 9/1/2007 19:54 PM

I think that even if a WS does show remorse, it is not any help if they are still with the OP. It is the fact that they are still with the OP that is, I think, neary impossible for a BS to get past. I think that if the marriage ends, the WS shows remorse, the relationship with the OP ends, both still go their separate ways, this scenario happens more often. BUT if the WS remains with the OP and goes on to build a successful relationship or marriage with them, it is unreasonable to expect the BS to ever either believe in remorse or accept the situation. If a BS is in that situation, they shoud not beat themselves up for never being able to accept it. Maybe it is just one of those things you do not accept, just live with.

devastated07 posted 9/4/2007 07:59 AM

Does that interfere with your ability to believe in the "fogginess"?

There is no "fogginess" for WS who leaves for OP. They know exactly what they are doing. Apparently, there is no confusion involved.

Does that make you feel that you were either somehow inadequate to the spouse or seriously alienating?

Sometimes but it depends on the situation. In my situation, he is still playing the "I'm confused, I still love you" card even though he is f**** OW. So I know he is a mess, not me. In other situations, WS marries OP and lives happily ever after (we know that doesn't really exists) so the BS is left scratching his/her head. Feeling inadequate.

Does anyone else feel that WSs left for marriage with the OP have a separate set of issues around understanding affairs?

Learningasigo stated this answer very well. Its hard for the BS to let go when they are surrounded by their former WS and his new spouse, especially when kids are involved.

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