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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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queequeg posted 9/4/2007 09:21 AM

Wow, just from the small sample here, it seems like the statistics must be wrong.

A significant number of us BSs here are reporting our WSs leaving to marry the OP and staying married.

Always makes me wonder how WSs can find someone, while they were married, that is willing to marry them, even after they know they have cheated on a former spouse.

Seems like WSs as a group must have powerful "mojo".

It took me years after divorcing WS to find someone who was interested in marrying me, and who I was interested in marrying. I was single and playing the field honestly.

Maybe the ability to stay faithful reduces your "mojo"??

[This message edited by queequeg at 9:22 AM, September 4th (Tuesday)]

Ron7127 posted 9/6/2007 10:19 AM

I do think it is tough not to feel it was all your fault when they leave and marry the OP. It does make you question your adequacy and fitness as a spouse. Not sure what to think, but it helped me a lot to talk to my WW's family and friends and learn about her past and how she has done stuff like this in the past. I learned about 2 prior affairs with married men when she was single, lots and lots of weird stuff and tons of lying.
I can't fathom how the Om sees her as a trustworthy pesron. She cheated on him when he was her boyfriend in the past. He knows she was lying to me for at least a year and that she has 3 small kids.
But, these OP's are in a fog of their own. They have heard only the WS's version of what went on in the marriage. And, they are "in love", which means they are acting stupidly.
I cannot envision the life my WW and this guy forsee for themselves. The kids will know as they get older. My WW's family does not speak to her and this guy will never be welcome in their homes. Holidays should be interesting.

queequeg posted 9/6/2007 19:30 PM



That was useful.

You are lucky to have gained those facts and that insight.

learningasIgo posted 9/8/2007 14:06 PM

This is not something I have personally experienced. The reason I am posting is to say that ANY reasonable person would not expect a BS to EVER be OK with the OP should their WS stay with them. As I said before, if a couple divorces, even with infidelity involved, and then the WS goes on to have a relationship with someone OTHER than the OP, this, though painful, could be handled by most. Having them stay with the OP which then serves as a constant reminder of the betrayal means, in my opinion, that the BS should not ever be expected to be "OK" with the situation. At best, they can be expected to just stay away and that is for their own sanity. As someone who has not experienced this, I feel this way and I am very sure than most others would as well. If your WS is still with the OP, you have no reason to feel somehow inadequate or not sufficiently evolved if you cannot stand them as a couple, cannot stand the OP, and wish never to see or talk to either of them ever again. Quite frankly, any OP or WS with any sense would understand this and at least have the consideration to keep their distance. If they don't and you are then forced to enforce boundaries, that is perfectly understandable and who cares if they like it or not. Be assured that, in my opinion, any reasonable person who had not experienced such a situation personally would understand and feel the same.

queequeg posted 9/16/2007 12:15 PM

Does anyone else feel that it is amazing that WSs can find OPs, while they are still married, willing to marry them post A?

I mean, it's hard enough after you are D'v'ced to find a good working relationship, while you are honestly single and available.

I am still left asking:

Is there something special about the "mojo" of WSs who leave for the OP compared to

[This message edited by queequeg at 12:17 PM, September 16th (Sunday)]

Dreamboat posted 9/17/2007 10:15 AM

Is there something special about the "mojo" of WSs who leave for the OP compared to

No. But there is something wrong with the morals of the WS and the OP.

seeking wisdom posted 9/17/2007 11:29 AM

I am with Dreamboat. I don't think there is particular power to the WS or OP's charisma. Rather, their standards are not so high, coupled with their willingness to satisfy their own needs for gratification/ego-stroking at any cost to others, makes it easier for them to recouple. Plus, the OP and WS build a shame-support system together -- mutually reinforcing their sense of self-worth. They have an investment in each other, which is really an investment in their own selfishness. The OP knows that the WS cheated on a former spouse, but they can tell themselves that it's because they (the OP) were so special, so of course nothing will happen to their new relationship.

Finding someone that I would be willing to marry now? that seems a tall order. Maybe you were exercising some extra selectivity in the wake of your WWs affair. Don't see why or how that equals information about anyone's mojo.

You're asking people on a thread specifically organized around WSs who leave for their OP how many got married... there's not a lot of statistical validity in your sample, friend, for figuring out the larger population's patterns. Nor much to say about the content of those new marriages, nor the duration. Tells you not much worth knowing about "WSs as a group".

queequeg posted 9/17/2007 14:00 PM

Seeking Wisdom:

Appreciate your well thought out response.

I think you already have some wisdom to share.

Thanks again for your thoughtfulness.

Dreamboat posted 9/17/2007 19:59 PM

seeking wisdom

OP and WS build a shame-support system together -- mutually reinforcing their sense of self-worth. They have an investment in each other, which is really an investment in their own selfishness.

I love the way you worded that, especially the term "shame-support system". That describes my X and his whore perfectly!!

lra90 posted 9/17/2007 20:15 PM

It just bothers me at how protective of HER WH is. This past Sat. I had a smallish rampage and spewed off a little of what I had been botteling up for the past 19 months at him. When it got around to how "great a mother she was"-*sarcasim* (2 years ago she chose WH over her own kids) WH went balistic. I, on the other hand, am a for shit mom who makes her kids so stressed out they're getting sick.

queequeg posted 9/17/2007 21:26 PM


Please be more accurate in your description of the OW.

She is not a whore.

A whore is a working girl whose only interest is business.

The OW is an immoral miscreant who is cheating with your husband.

She is more properly termed a slut.

jaykaydee posted 9/17/2007 22:07 PM

OWs are by definition whores. Per wikipedia, in addition to having sex for financial renumeration, the term is also used loosely to indicate someone who engages in sexual acts that are disapproved of, such as sexual promiscuity or sex outside of marriage. In my case, OW fits both the first and second definition.

betrayedarmyw posted 9/18/2007 00:44 AM

I personally like to call my H's new girlfrind a "skanky whore". I think that the word whore needs a fitting adjective.

queequeg posted 9/18/2007 13:31 PM


I appreciate your erudition.

Could you suggest the appropriate term for the POS shmuck who was screwing my FWW?

I'm not sure of the appropriate term for that kind of "man".

runaway posted 9/20/2007 17:39 PM

Could it be 'turd-burglar' (as in he stole a piece of sh**)

learningasIgo posted 9/22/2007 13:20 PM

It's not something that can be generalized about. People's motivations are as individual as they are just as each marriage is individual. There is no "standard" OP, WS, BS, good marriage, bad marriage etc. And it really does not matter why some other OP, WS, BS did what they did. It's irrelevant and if you do speculate about it, it's only a huge waste of energy because it's is most likely wrong. What matters is you and your own life and your own situation. And if the WS has left to be with the OP, why they did it does not matter any more either. YOU are what you can control and YOU deserve to expend all your energy on yourself. Live in the present and future, never the past. I know this is hard to do because of course we all want to know why something happened to us, but sometimes you just have to accept that you may never know. That's knowing something very worth knowing in and of itself.

queequeg posted 9/25/2007 15:35 PM


Well, see, here's the problem. When you get married, you become quite emotionally attached to your spouse. Most BSs I have spoken with have built lives with their spouses, and became emotionally invested in them.

They TRUSTED their spouses, and that allowed them to build a life with the other person.

So it's easy to say life is about now and the future.

Now and the future was supposed to be with the person you became emotionally invested in.

Otherwise, you may as well have lived alone, or while you're married keep telling yourself this is probably only temporary. That's a hell of a way to be married, although apparently that's how WS's live.

It is very sad and painful to learn that is how your WS really felt, and that in fact you were and are completely alone despite your investment in your marriage.

Oh, and by the way you know that "addiction" that WSs have for their APs, well most BSs are just as "addicted" to the spouses, whom they married in good faith.

Why the WS is addicted to someone else is a large question.

[This message edited by queequeg at 6:10 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)]

learningasIgo posted 10/4/2007 21:34 PM

quee, wow. You really said some powerful things in your post. The part about addiction was really powerful. Human relationships are so complex. The way I see it, as long as we link our OWN emotional wellbeing to another's choices/actions, we will suffer. This doesn't mean that unlinking equals no pain. Not at all. What it means is that human beings are immensely complex.

We come together. We think we "know" the other person and ourselves. Heck, I'm sure they think they know you and their own self too! But there are so many variables we cannot even begin to understand or know in BOTH parties. I am not saying that this makes it OK for one spouse to betray and leave their spouse. It does not. What I am saying is that, despite what people WANT to think, a great many relationships start when one or both is involved with someone else. Think how many people were "dating" someone else when they met their spouse? Quite a few I bet. The issue really is not the OP in the slightest. In some respects, the issue is not even your spouse who left. It's you. It's why you met this person, why you were attracted to them, why you married them, what their issues were, why you were vulnerable to being the counterpoint to their issues. That is what it is all about. And quee I LOVED what you said about addiction. GO YOU. It does go both ones, or sometimes one way and that way is not always the WS. The WS might be a total jerk but the BS might have addictive behaviors. btdt. Go you. Keep going. You are doing great. You are going to come out on the other side a so much wiser and so much happier person. I am ss most know both a BS and an OP and I have learned from both experiences. The fact that I was an OP does not mean automatically that I am an evil person, and the fact that I was a BS does not mean that I was blameless in our problems.

StungAgain posted 10/6/2007 13:05 PM

Well I am here, my WS left me for the OP and although very painful I take knowledge in knowing he is miserable with her and it is his own dam fault!

Eumenides posted 10/9/2007 01:00 AM

My STBXWH is living with his cracked-out leather-faced slut. He never, ever calls DD or me. Ever. And he's pulling back on giving us money to support his monkey-woman. You know, cause food for her dog is more important than food for his child.

Oh gawd, I can't wait to talk to a lawyer tomorrow!!

At this point, it would take a billion dollars and a life supply of chocolate to get me to take him back if he asked.

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