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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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fathe posted 10/25/2007 13:44 PM

This thread picks up right where my own thoughts leave off.

My own WS has left me in the middle of a pregnancy (our first) to pursue OW. Right now I am angry and frustrated and I can't understand how WS, who I married for his "good heart" could do something so terrible to me.

I can't reconcile this new evil husband with the one that I was sure I brought home 3 years ago. I think that to do what he did shows a seriously lack of character, and lack of morals. And here I thought we shared the same values ... I don't understand. Was he always this selfish, immature and stupid?

Once when I confronted him he said that OW was "a nice person, a christian" I do not understand how a nice person conspires to steal another woman's husband, an innocent child's father. What kind of woman thinks this is a christian thing to do? And what kind of man finds a woman like that to be a "nice person?"

Am I just as bad if I sincerely hope that he really is a good man who fell upon confusion and dealt with it badly? Or am I just being naive? It's just hard for me to accept that he was like this from the begining and I never saw it.

As for abandonning children - I think that is the worst mark against his character. I cannot imagine knowing that I have a child about to be born and chosing a long-distance love affair over the opportunity to be in this child's life.

How can I still want this man??

Petrinka posted 10/25/2007 20:52 PM

(((fathe))) I don't know what to say except that I know how you are hurting. It's so very hard. My OW skank is also a "wonderful Christian woman", yeah, right.

How can I still want this man??

I still love my X, and ask myself the same question. There are many wonderful people here who offer their support and love to us, keep posting, hon.

queequeg posted 10/28/2007 18:19 PM


I truly appreciate your October 24 post. It contains a good deal of wisdom and reality testing, and deep inside I know you are right.

It's funny though that you think that someone is part of your life, and your closest family.

Then she moves on, and you move on.

It's like we're ultimately all making this trip alone, and just meeting others along the way.

Bye now, nice to have known you. Marriage was fun for a while, but got to be on my way.

I know you are ultimately right, but it all does seem so strange when you think about it.

It makes you feel like married, separated, divorced, we are all just moving along on this planet, and we can ultimately only depend on ourselves.

[This message edited by queequeg at 6:24 PM, October 28th (Sunday)]

snowontheroof posted 10/28/2007 22:40 PM

I just s/w daughter today and discussed "the fog" She admitted it did exist. I won't go into everything but she was the perfect child, student, athlete. She never dated in HS. Focused on studies and athletics in college and I thought had the perfect life right up until she called to say she was pregnant by the OM. She now says that their (OM and her) relationship is different and more like she thought marriage was going to be with my SIL. She has actually been with the OM longer now than the SIL. She said the relationship was needy and physical and risky in the beginning and then there was the period of time she and OM were not together and she was alone for each to decide what they really wanted for the future. She made it clear to him and SIL that she did not need either of them to raise her child. Then she moved out of her home and OM and she moved in together. The fog had worn off before they moved in together and from what I can tell they both have done the whole brutal honesty thing with each other and have both gone to IC. She now believes she can NEVER be friends with a man and that she was naive and stupid to think she could. She also does not allow herself to engage in personal conversations or to be alone with men. She believes the the 3 months of the affair while probably mark her forever and will in some ways negate all the remarkable achievements of her life. In listening to the BS on her I think she may be correct. I know it is easy to paint everyone that ever had an affair with the same scarlet letter but the reality is my daughter has slept with 2 men in her life my SIL and the OM so what does that make her?

learningasIgo posted 10/28/2007 23:24 PM

"It's funny though that you think that someone is part of your life, and your closest family."

Well there you said it. It is what you THOUGHT. It is about YOU, what you thought. Relationships are based in large part on projection. We find the person who we think is the person we want and then we project onto them that image of the person we want. Sometimes we get it right, sometimes we don't. Kind of like everything else in life, right? I happen to agree with you that we can ultimately only depend on ourselves. That doesn't mean we can't have intimacy, trust, love, stability, etc. But yes, ultimately it's just us. Isn't that the ultimate human problem, our ultimate angst? It's about the fact that yes we ARE all, all alone with ourselves. Learn to live with THAT and be OK with it and THEN you'll be truly free. It doesn't come from another person. It comes from YOU.

Your XW is on her own path. She's desperately trying to find what she needs. What you were looking for in her, she is now looking for in someone else. Does this say anything about you? Not at all. Does it mean she is "bad"? Well, certainly she did a "bad" thing as she careens through her life trying to find what she needs, but does that act in and of itself make her a "bad" person? Really? I mean, you did love her. She must have SOME redeeming characteristics. She'll have to find her own way and come to her own conclusions, find her own truths. Maybe she'll find peace, maybe she won't. She's on a different path from you now. Focusing on HER path, HER choices, how she harmed YOU only keeps you from your path. Step back, look at it objectively. There was pain in the relationship, yes. But wasn't there also joy? Weren't there also great highs? Learn from both these things instead of just focusing on how it ended. For some reason, I really sense you are ready to do this. Your bitterness and anger actually sound hollow, almost rote. You're ready to let it go, ready to take your path and leave her to hers without further rancour. Just do it. It's not strange. It's life. Yes, we are ultimately alone. It's not strange. It's the human condition. People have been seeking relief from it in all manner of ways since man became man, whenever that was.

30sucks posted 10/28/2007 23:27 PM

Oh my! I guess I belong here too.

My WS left me 7 mo. pregnant, only I didn't realize at the time it was for OW. She too left her BH it seems. It seems that in one month they picked up their high school romance from 12 years ago. In that one month of secret liasions/texts/phone calls, they both dropped their families and decided they are in love. Only my WH has returned 3 times to tell me he loves me, he's made a mistake, yada yada yada. Now it's back to ugly. NOW he wants to rub it in my face how much "in love" he is with OW. Only last week he was saying that crap to me. Now he's intentionally trying to hurt me. Intentionally trying to wreck what sanity I have left. I opened up to him and told him exactly how I felt last week. My heart is clear. But, my spirit is broken. He's now going to use those words and twist the knife that much deeper. But I suppose I will heal with time.
I want to warn her. I want to wish her luck. I want to push her ass down a flight of stairs.

learningasIgo posted 10/28/2007 23:29 PM

Snow you need to tell your daughter that it is what we do in the present and the future that marks us, not what we did in the past IF we learn from what we did in the past. I am not a person of religious faith but I know a little about many religions and there is not a single one that does not preach redemption. If you learn from your mistakes and do not repeat them as a result (and even then we do all repeat some mistakes but we've got to keep trying) then that makes you a person of worth.

Quite frankly, if your daughter has decided that what she did was wrong, then tell her to quit feeling sorry for herself and go out and live a life that reflects her convictions as she has them now. There are plenty of BS who accept their WS back into their marriage because they feel they are sorry. OK. Well your daughter is no different. If she wants to leave these actions behind and learn from them and not repeat them, then she should do that and feel good about herself FOR doing it.

learningasIgo posted 10/28/2007 23:36 PM

30 he can only use those words if you ALLOW him to. This doesn't mean the doesn't speak the words. It means you no longer give those words the POWER you are now giving them. Stop GIVING so much power away. It belongs to you to keep or bestow as you wish. Your own ego, your own sense of self worth, is so tied up in whether or not he wants you. Do you want to go through life with your whole sense of self worth pinned to the actions of another? If the answer is no, then start now by NOT allowing whatever he says or does not say to wound you. Believe it or not, it IS a choice. Let him go. Just let him go. Even if he plays mind games about going staying going staying just let him go and get on with your own life. You have a child to be an example for. And the best example is not a person filled with pain, bitterness, anger, etc. but a person who is firmly in control of their own destiny. That can be YOU if you want it to be.

devastated07 posted 10/31/2007 13:47 PM

Can anyone explain into words: why is the pain of your spouse leaving for OP so gut-wrenching? Why does it hurt like a death occured? Aside from the death of a child, this is the worst emotional pain in the world. Why??? I feel victimized.

fathe posted 10/31/2007 20:57 PM


I feel victimized too. For me the thing that really upsets me about WS leaving for OW is -- oh so many reasons! First of all his total disregard for our VOWS and his refusal to try to make things right in our marriage. I think that not even trying to fix things is a thousand times worse than the original insult of cheating.

Next -does this fool really think he found someone "better" than me?? WTF is wrong with him, no frigging way that puta can hold a candle to me (excuse my ego but that's just so riduculous.) I think WH must have gone mad to think such a thing, and also what an insult to compare me to a souless woman and I say souless because I can't imagine any woman who knowingly takes a married man who has a pregnant wife away from his family. -Yes, i know its his fault but I'm just saying, how could he look at that black-hearted woman and see value in her? Or is the problem that I have erroneously seen value in him??

learningasIgo posted 11/4/2007 18:41 PM

It's because you feel disgarded by the one person whose opinion of you meant the most. It's because you feel that the one person who you felt knew you best and in the most intimate way tossed you aside. This is a gutwrenching expeience to not only be abandoned by this person whom we trusted so much and into whom we investd so much of our own sense of self worth which is normal and unavoidable but to also have that person replace us with someone else. We cannot help but feel diminished and not good enough. We cannot help but feel that everything we thought was good about us and worth loving about us just wasn't good enough. None of this of course is rationally true. People own their own decisions. Sometimes a WS is actually happier with the OP although they certainly should have gone about ending the marriage they were IN first and someimes they are not. Irrelevant because that's all about THEM and not about you. It hurts so much because you have so much of your own sense of self worth and self esteem tied to him and whether or not he wants you. This will pass in time.

queequeg posted 11/5/2007 15:27 PM


"Sometimes a WS is actually happier with the OP although they certainly should have gone about ending the marriage they were IN first and someimes they are not."

You know it's really great that the WS found somebody they believe they will be happier with.

The problem is they're married, and they made a real live actual promise to the person they married that they weren't going to be dating anymore.

I stopped dating after I got married.

Maybe, there could have been somebody I could have found that I would have been happier with.

Maybe we all could.

The point is that you are married.

That is a promise, an obligation, and heaven forfend an actual adult responsibility.

Marriage is not supposed to be some interim period between dating episodes.

It's not some kind of trial run. You know there is a real live human being with feelings and an emotional investment that you are married to.

[This message edited by queequeg at 3:27 PM, November 5th (Monday)]

Eumenides posted 11/5/2007 16:35 PM

Lately my anger has started to smolder. I am so irritable all the time that I feel like I'm going to break down. My emotions have been boomeranging like crazy the past couple of weeks and I feel just miserable. He's with her and I know she's talking trash about me 24/7. My WH is lying about me to all the relatives and acting like DD and me don't exist. No calls, no texts, no coming for his stinking mail, no money to buy DD food or diapers. I can't find a job, and I'm so, so lonely.

I am falling apart again. I thought I was getting better, but I'm rebounding. The holidays are coming and I have no money whatsoever for buying DD a gift. I don't have money to help pay for Thanksgiving dinner.

I know he's an ass. I know he's a jerk. I know he doesn't love me now. But dammit, he did love me once! We were happy! Why won't God answer my prayers? Why won't he push that whore off and just come home? Why does she mean so darned much to him that he thinks it is okay to leave DD and me in the dust without a prayer, without aid, without a word?

[This message edited by Eumenides at 4:36 PM, November 5th (Monday)]

queequeg posted 11/7/2007 16:07 PM

Has anyone here ever heard from a WW after they left for AP?

What do they do with the memories of the good times?

learningasIgo posted 11/8/2007 16:52 PM

quee I agree with you. No one should date after they are married. No one should have an affair. No one no matter how unhappy they are should enter into a reltionship without first ending the marriage. BUT that doesn't mean that sometimes people don't do those things AND still wind up in a relationship where they are happier. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. That's why it's a bad idea to pin your own happiness on the certainty that the WS and OP will crash and burn, be desperately unhappy etc. Because you know what? Maybe they won't be. Then what? So they are or they aren't. That is no longer your issue. You are still very focused on what "should" happen, what people "should" do. Well many times people don't do what they should do. I know I haven't always done what I should do. She didn't do what she should have done. That's it. End of story. Now she's writing a different story. It may or may not have a happy ending. But whether it does or not has nothing to do with whether or not she should have done what she did. I wasn't saying THAT was in any way ok.

queequeg posted 11/9/2007 10:35 AM


See, the problem with all that is that someone stole nine years of my life.

Someone stole my opportunity to live where I wanted to live, meeting new people at a point in my life where there were the possibilities for me that I wanted.

I can't get those nine years back.

I'm really sorry that someone was unhappy with me, but they were with me for two years before we were married. It was the same flawed me.

They weren't perfect either and I wasn't perfectly happy, but I did respect my wife and my promises. She never had to worry about someone stealing part of her life.

I don't predicate my happiness on someone else, but I did predicate where I was going to live, where I was going to get a job, and how I disposed of nine years of my life, on someone else.

Marriage is a promise to work and to be honest- that's all it is.

It is not a promise of eternal bliss and a perfect mate.

Oh, yeah, let's just move on. QQ, you're making such a big deal out of your FWW's wanting a new life. Hey, why don't you just move on. It was only a marriage, man.

Well, you tell me how I get those nine years and all those opportunities that were stolen from me returned?

I wish I was like John Lennon, and I was the star of a show. I wish I was the one who cheated on Cynthia to move in with Yoko and the Plastic Ono Band in a suite at the Dakota.

However, I am just plain me, and someone willfully, volitionally, and IMHO with malice aforethought stole nine years of my life!

Not my happiness, but a section of my life, which is very short to begin with.

[This message edited by queequeg at 10:47 AM, November 9th (Friday)]

devastated07 posted 11/9/2007 11:48 AM

Well, you tell me how I get those nine years and all those opportunities that were stolen from me returned?

Don't look at it like that. You can't drive looking at the rear-view mirror. Look ahead, always look ahead because there is a lot of highway in front of you. Now you are driving the car solo without someone in the passenger seat b*tching about stopping to pee.


[This message edited by devastated07 at 11:49 AM, November 9th (Friday)]

learningasIgo posted 11/9/2007 20:03 PM

quee, I am not telling you to not hurt over this. I am not telling you "just move on." Without going into detail, I do understand what it is like to be devastated by a deep betrayal.

"See, the problem with all that is that someone stole nine years of my life."

quee I keep saying this and I'm going to say it again and then I'm not going to say it any more either because I'm not hearing you or I'm just not being helpful. You want justice. You cannot get past how unfair it is that this was done to you, that you were lied to, misled, that these years were stolen from you. quee there may never BE justice as you wish to see it. THAT is what I am trying to say. YOU are allowing the fact that this was done to you and there seems to be no "punishment" for the crime to BE the problem for YOU. It is not he problem for HER. I may NEVER be the problem for her! It happens. Or it might. You've got to work towards letting go of it altogether.

You know I read this board every day just because I actually learn a lot about life in general with how people deal with this issue but I rarely respond to the degree that I have to you. There's only one other poster I can think of that I have. Not that this makes what I have to say any more valuable. It may be of no value at all to you. I just hate to see you so STUCK. I've been STUCK. I was SO ANGRY at my XH for SO LONG. It did NOTHING about anything except keep me STUCK. As far as I know, he still has not experienced the "justice" that would be "fair." But I FINALLY no longer pay attention! It doesn't matter to me and my life!

Every time you respond to me you tell me again why it is so unfair, why what she did was so wrong, etc. OK. Yes I get that. It was unfair. You've been wronged. Well ok. Guess what. That's the end of it. You were wronged and now you get to go on and live the rest of your life. Look at the world around you. Look at all the people that are wronged in so MANY ways and yet what is their choice? Go on and live your life. I do not even believe in "living well is the best revenge" because revenge STILL keeps you tied to the person who wronged you. Oh I believed in it for a long time when it came to my XH until I finally got that through my head.

quee it's over, you were wronged, that's it, go forward, leave it behind. And I swear I won't tell you this again because you must be sick of hearing it from me!

learningasIgo posted 11/9/2007 20:06 PM

ps hooray devastated! Loved your advice! You said the same thing as me in a lot less words! Go you!

devastated07 posted 11/10/2007 22:01 PM

Thanks. I'm just a betrayed squirrel trying to get a nut like everyone else.

queequeg posted 11/11/2007 20:17 PM


Thanks for your concern and your wisdom.

I am trying to integrate everything you say, because I know you are right.

I think venting and thinking about what you say helps the process.

Thanks again for taking the time to address the issues.

It is appreciated.

Good luck to you too, as you move ahead.

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