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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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queequeg posted 11/11/2007 20:17 PM


Thanks for your concern and your wisdom.

I am trying to integrate everything you say, because I know you are right.

I think venting and thinking about what you say helps the process.

Thanks again for taking the time to address the issues.

It is appreciated.

Good luck to you too, as you move ahead.

learningasIgo posted 11/15/2007 21:57 PM

Well quee I am so happy to read your response. It happens that I am a far from perfect person who has done more than a few things that were wrong in my live but many, many more I hope that were right. Remember that your ability to let go of this will be there for you when YOU have a mistep. We all do. And when we have not been able to let go of our anger towards others, we tend to be the hardest on ourselves. I know you can do this because it comes through to me so clearly in your posts. It's like you're just right there, right at the threshold of being able to let it go and transcend to a better place for you. You're almost there. Oh and venting is good, fine, all that. Except when venting is about being stuck. Some people vent about the SAME ISSUES for years and years and years. Know any? I do. Want to be like them? I don't think you do. And I have a very strong sense that you won't. You're ready quee. Just let it happen. Your anger isn't changing anything, it's only holding you back.

learningasIgo posted 11/15/2007 22:03 PM

I just thought of something else. My sister remarried after a marriage of 20 years far too quickly I thought to a man she knew not very well. After eight years, he left her for another woman. Just up and left. After a year, she got a divorce based on abandonement. Was she upset, angry, bitter? Hell yes! But I kept reminding her that she had some wonderful times with this man. That he had encouraged her professionally and personally and she had really experienced growth as a result. That his leaving as he did doesn't make all those positives go away. You can't go back in time and make incredibly positive experiences that couples treasure disappear based on what came later. And you know what? That really helped her. She did have to admit that she had had some wonderful times with him. That he had encouraged her to make some changes in her life which have worked out very well. Then of course he went on to be a total shit and cause her enormous pain. OK. But B does not negate A. Remember that as well.

learningasIgo posted 11/29/2007 20:21 PM

Hey quee how are you doing?

Dad posted 11/30/2007 13:29 PM

Eumenides - I don't want your earlier posting to get lost in the shuffle.

The reason your WH doesn't call you is because he can't stand the guilt. He's got you and your DD compartmentalized away so he can pursue his A. Someday the guilt will overflow and engulf him, but you can't wait for that. For now, just hang in there til January. I guarentee you will fell better then.

My heart goes out to you. Just know that I and others here care. It's so hard to be going through this during the holidays. Please keep posting.


[This message edited by Dad at 1:30 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

Ivette posted 11/30/2007 13:33 PM

As of this week the ow in my situation is moving back to here ugh!!!!. Stbxh is staying in florida. As I hear she is mad. She wants stbxh to move back here with her he says he has nothing here to come back to.

There were together for 3 yrs and know he wants me back.

On thanksgiving he called me crying that he misses his family. When he said that to me I told him your mom has a spare room. Then he called again and I said to him why do you miss us because it's thanksgiving.

I grew up with this man I know him for 30 yrs and I never even at his grandma funeral hear him cry like he did to me on the phone.

He even called his sister and she told him you made the choice of the woman you picked and you made the choice of moving to florida so it's your own fault.

Eventually they will come to terms of the hurt they caused us all here.

[This message edited by Ivette at 1:46 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

learningasIgo posted 12/2/2007 22:03 PM

Well they may or may not come to terms with it. You can't say for sure. His crying may have all been a minipulative self serving game, right? Here's what you can control. YOU. You need to let go of his drama, his wants, his needs, his everything. I know after the amount of time you have been with him it is hard, very hard. But the fact of the matter is either you will CHOOSE yes CHOOSE to allow him to continue to manipulate you and suck you into HIS drama, HIS needs, all the attention on HIM or you will let it go and leave him behind. What happens to him happens. It should no longer concern you.

Betrayed74 posted 12/5/2007 15:17 PM


He left me a month ago to be with her. Well, he wanted to stay in the house and carry on his emotional affair on my dime, but I made him move out after he admitted he was in love with her and wanted to be with her.

He wanted to move in with her but she told him not until he got his act together (alcoholic bipolar). So, he moved to her city and just up the street from her. She got him a job working with her. Bully for them.

He called me this week--the first time since he moved there. I could tell he was with *her* because for the first time he was just mean and nasty on the phone--rude and blunt.

I'm sure she's worried about me--we slept together after he had agreed to faithfulness to her (and I told her), so I'm sure he was posturing to comfort her. Still. Ouch.

I'm taking comfort in knowing he's taken a giant step down moving from me to her...I am superior in almost all ways. The benefit of her?...she'll drink with him. She likes to party and he's an alcoholic.

I know it's for the best that the lying, cheating, cowardly bastard is gone, but it still hurts so much that he jumped right on over to her. She wasn't the first, she was just the final before the shit hit the fan.

incredulous posted 12/9/2007 21:57 PM

I notice this thread isn't very active. Do you all get a little mad/sad/ just feel left out when you read the other boards and they're all bitching about OP and they remind OP that the BS won because WS came back to BS?

I don't know if I'm even making any sense, but I keep finding so many posts that don't help because they're all about WS remorse, etc.

Do you think our spouses still had a fog and it was/is just too deep to come out of, or did they really not love us, as so many of them have claimed?

I am having a hard time not obsessing over every minute of our relationship to try to figure out where it went so wrong. I just can't reconcile WH now with the man I married and knew for 3 years before I married him. Nobody else can, either. So how does this make sense??!!

[This message edited by incredulous at 9:59 PM, December 9th (Sunday)]

10/04 posted 12/10/2007 10:01 AM

Probably depends on person/situation. My X said he "woke up" (came out of fog?) after he married OW. Did he have other problems? (job, age, health, family?)

devastated07 posted 12/10/2007 10:19 AM

I am having a hard time not obsessing over every minute of our relationship to try to figure out where it went so wrong.

Me too & its been 8.5 months since he left. I don't even know what to say. I *wish* we had wayward spouses on this board who left for OP. I would love to hear their stories not just the WS who came back to BS.

ktshadow posted 12/10/2007 12:56 PM

Well, here I am a year and a half after posting on this site for the first time. We were supposedly reconciling, but when he began a new job,he took her phone number with him and has probably been seeing her the whole time we were "working it out". Now he is living at his parent's house and pursuing a relationship with her that he is "excited about". I didn't even ask any questions this time about when, where, how long, etc, I just knew that I was done. I'm not rethinking my decision, just trying to heal through this painful process. Some days are better than others. I still want their relationship to tank, so I guess I'm not at peace with it yet.

devastated07 posted 12/10/2007 13:07 PM

I posted this in GENERAL but thought maybe you felt the same way:

What it feels like when WS chooses the OP:

When you're a WS that begins to have feelings for the OP, you lose all sense of control. The first tryst is wrong but won't hurt anyone, in fact it feels good. But that is where the vortex begins. Like a tornado funnel, the wind starts to blow circular in a crazy pattern. The WS feels that wind on its face and hair. The Affair continues now at a pace that doesn't make sense in reality, but makes perfect sense to the WS. The vortex funnel has now reached a speed of 200mph. The WS can feel himself slipping into the tornado funnel but not quite. They are holding on. Now the WS is in love with the OP and life takes on a new meaning, a meaning the WS doesn't yet understand but they know it feels different. The vortex takes on a life of its own, inside the funnel is darkness, chaos, confusion. The WS knows he created this monster tornado. The WS can peer inside and feel the wind blow so hard that if he were to ever let himself enter this tornado he would die. He/She knows that she created this monster but fears its power. When the WS chooses the OP, he/she throws the BS into the vortex instead.
This is what it feels like.

div2006 posted 12/10/2007 13:12 PM

I am having a hard time not obsessing over every minute of our relationship to try to figure out where it went so wrong.

Me too. 1.5 years later and the divorce is also final. It will bother me for a long time to come. I'm only hoping it won't ruin any potential future relationships.

I do hope WH is miserable for the rest of his life and I hope the kharma bus broadsides him soon. I've been through a lot of emotional and physical pain that he did not have to experience.

One thing that WS don't think about is "playing" house with someone is different than "living" it with your spouse.

isurvived posted 12/10/2007 14:17 PM

I caught my now xh in an affair on 4/15/05-he left me and our kids that night and moved in with her. The kicker is she was pregnant with another man's child-the timeline is they met in Nov 04-she got pregnant in Dec 04 and they began their affair in Jan 05-the father of her child is not around-my guess is he is married or she has no idea who the father is. The baby is not my XH's-the baby is bi-racial plus my xh had a vasectomy.

He completely abandoned our kids-he went a year and a half without seeing or speaking to our kids-he said the slut and her kid come first-he lets him call him daddy-the kid is 2 now.

Our girls are now 8 and 10-he spares them a couple hours each week on a Sunday-in court he didn't ask for anything with the kids-I have sole physical and legal custody.

He ended up marrying her in Las vegas-in November 06-7 months after our divorce was final.

I talked to her ex-husband-he told me they divorced-she was having an affair with her boss. He told me his ex father-in law apologized to him for his daughter's behavior. He told me her family knows what she is like. He was not surprised at all that she went after a married man-that is what kind of a person she is-her family is not happy about the baby and her brothers have almost nothing to do with her anymore-her ex husband is still friends with her brothers!

Anyway, I know I am rambling but even 2 1/2 years later, the pain is still so real. I have never seen her-although she did call me once and rub it in my face that he chose her and her child over me and his own kids.

Everyone said it wouldn't last-but they are still together. They have managed to rack up $28,000.00 in credit card debt-he has opened 6 credit cards since he has been gone-in both their names-he told me she was worse off then he was financially(told me this the day we signed our divorce papers). So now he is working two jobs because collection agencies are after him.

Why is he still with her? He has to know she is a skank-she was pregnant with another man's baby when they started their affair!!!! He knows she had an affair on her first husband!

I can't express enough how out of character this was for my xh-noone could believe what he had done-his family has nothing to do with him-he hasn't seen his brother or sister since this happened-he only sees his parents to pick up the kids-noone in his family has accepted her-he gave up everyone for this whore and a kid that isn't even his!

Someone please help me-I am still so sad all time and I hurt for my kids-they know about her baby and that their dad plays daddy to him every day but only sees them a couple hours a week.

I want them to divorce because of one of them cheating on the other-I want them to go through hell. This bitch stole my life-she didn't want to be a single mom so she made me one instead. my xh did NOT want more kids-that is why he had a vasectomy-yet he embraces starting over with her kid? He told me in court he never even wanted our kids-yet he wants hers?

Please help me understand all this-why did he throw his entire life away for her? I didn't even know there was anything wrong in our marriage-I thought we were happy! We had a nice home, he had a good job, healthy kids, summer vacations, wonderful families-he gave all that up for what he has now? A wife noone can stand, a wife that is a whore, they are in debt beyond belief, his family won't even give her a chance-her family has little to do with her because of how she is-what the hell?

Can anyone help me understand?

Sorry it is so long

devastated07 posted 12/10/2007 14:44 PM

Why is he still with her?

Because he has no where else to go. He can't go back to you. He is lying in the sh*t he created. That's why he's still with her.

why did he throw his entire life away for her?
because he hit the self destruct button on his life that will cause a slow death (spritually and physically). Like a form of suicide. Nothing good is coming out of his new lifestyle. As his exW, this is hard for you to watch, I know. But he threw you under the bus, so he could do this. It hurts like hell.

incredulous posted 12/10/2007 20:16 PM

Wow, we've all got pretty awful stories, don't we? My WH was moody most of the summer, but always said he was worried about his daughter or work or something else. ARound the end of July, beginning of August, he became so distant that he barely talked to me, didn't touch me, found excuses to be away from home. I never even thought of an affair because his ex-wife cheated on him and we had dozens of discussions about commitment and the hard work of marriage. I trusted him completely, so was completely blindsided when he announced out of the blue on 9/21 that he wanted to move out and our marriage was over. Went to MC 2 times after I begged, but only for him to tell me and the counselor that there was nobody else and there was no hope for our marriage.

I trusted him until the counselor told me he was having an affair, and he admitted it on 10/21. I asked him to leave, and we've had virtually no discussion since, though I have told him I wanted to reconcile. I believe he's moved in with OW.

This is so out of character for WH that nobody can understand it. He has his faults, but nobody would have said (before this) that he was dishonest or cruel. Yet, he has turned out to be both.

WH has no health or addiction problems, but has had a lot of tragedy in his life. His first wife cheated on him and left him, which was (as we all know) very traumatic for him. Their divorce was final in 2001. We met in 2002; his ten-year old daughter died in 2003. When we married, he had to move for my job. (only 30 miles, but it created distance for his teen-age girls who were with us half time, but spent more time with their friends after the move). After we married, he let the job he'd had for 12 years, and started a new job, which caused a lot of pressure. I'm not sure he ever completely processed any of these losses completely, and I think he just lost it.

He's now spiraling downward, risking everything -- his daughters, his marriage, his reputation, his friendships, his parents and siblings, and his church -- for a woman who has been divorced twice (because she cheated both times!) and was in a committed lesbian relationship when he met her. he was a man of such integrity when I married him, and he's obviously given that up, and for what??!!

I don't even want the karma bus to hit him; I still love him and worry so much about what he and his life will be. If and when he ever wakes up and realizes what he has done, I don't know that he'll be able to handle it.

devastated07 posted 12/11/2007 06:35 AM

I don't even want the karma bus to hit him;

Me neither. My exH is walking bad karma. He doesn't need anymore.

blackbird542 posted 12/11/2007 06:46 AM

I agree with much of what Devastated has said. Not always, but it seems like a lot of the time, the WS male leaves for the OW as part of a self-destructive midlife crisis that involves all sorts of other problems -- alcohol, debt, whatever. It is very hard to watch someone do this but the BS has no ability to change it because IT IS NOT ABOUT HER. And, I also agree that the WS stays with the OW because he has nobody else after taking a flame thrower to his life. My STBXH fits this to a T. It hurts like hell and I have to take a 2 X 4 out of my pocket regularly in order to remind myself that none of this is about me. It is sad, but as my grown daughter says, "He is the captain of his own sinking ship and we have to yell women and children first and save ourselves."

[This message edited by blackbird542 at 6:50 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)]

blackbird542 posted 12/11/2007 06:47 AM

Sorry -- hit submit twice.

[This message edited by blackbird542 at 6:48 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)]

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