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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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Eumenides posted 12/30/2007 23:31 PM


It's okay, really, it's okay. I could written that entire post myself two months ago. I know that your friends might have good intentions when they tell you to just move on, but you can't just cut ties and be better so fast. This is a grieving process. It's going to take time, lots and lots of time, to feel better.

Getting saddled with the decision to file, having full responsibility of the kids, having your life ripped asunder, all of that is so, so familiar. Why do they (the AWOL WSes) stick us BSes with this stuff? How *can* they just move on and play happy? I've asked myself those questions over and over again. Honestly, I don't have a concrete answer. And besides, any answer would be cold comfort since it doesn't change a thing.

I would say that people like your husband and mine (and the WSes of countless others on SI) are extremely good at separating love from want. I have often wondered if my WS is even capable of love. Do they understand love, or do they define it differently than we do? Honestly, I can't say for sure. One thing I do know; usually when consequences enter the fairytale existence that the WS and AP build up for themselves, the relationship doesn't last. (Not always, but often.) Again, cold comfort, but something to ponder.

Talking on the phone with someone who's done you the way your WS has takes Herculean strength. I suggest using e-mails, and sitting on your replies for 24 hours before sending them. You have every right to blow up at him and make a scene, but it doesn't help you or your kids. Not to mention, you probably feel like crap after it's all over. Definitely, e-mail is great if possible.

You aren't a loser, for sure. And of course you know that his actions aren't your fault. Intellectually, I think all BS know that. But the heart doesn't always agree with the brain. It takes a long time for it to really take root emotionally and not just intellectually. It's okay to vent here. Vent away!

Take care.

queequeg posted 12/31/2007 10:32 AM


Flipping through the posts on this thread again, and just reread your post from Saturday at 9:26 AM.

Personality versus character.

If I may say so, a profound analysis.

An outstanding thought, and something that is not obvious. It should really help everyone understand WSs.

Thank you for that post, it is outstanding.

You should repost if somewhere so others can read it.

I've thought about this a lot and never looked at it in quite that way.


burnt_toast posted 12/31/2007 13:51 PM

I dread new year's eve. I'm afraid that I'll only be able to think of them at midnight.

I'll be out clubbing (OMG! it's been years) with single friends I've gathered, but honnestly, I'd rather be in the bathtub.

Sorry, I logged in to write new year whishees to you all, but I realise I might need some for myself as well.

May we all find peace in our hearts and learn to embrace solitude and independance for 2008. Because after all, we ARE great company.

queequeg posted 12/31/2007 16:54 PM


Most BSs are great people who were doing the best they could in their marriages.

We were faithful, and honest, and flawed like all other human beings.

We were trusted and we proved we do not betray a trust.

Alone, coupled, whatever, we will survive and prosper, always knowing we have integrity and did not willfully destroy a marriage.

Happy New Year, and all the Best for 2008!!!!

[This message edited by queequeg at 4:55 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

amireallyhere posted 12/31/2007 17:59 PM

Here's looking forward to a better 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The end of the year always brings time for reflection of all that has happened throughout the year. Its a time to say, good job, you can do better, I liked that or on no I wish that didnt happen. As I look back to all that has transpired for me this year, I am wanting a do over. But I know that is not possible. We do the best we can at the time. And if we fall short, well hopefully we learn and grow from the experience. I will always look back at 2007 as the year that my dream's ended. Not that I had a dream marriage at the time, but the dream that it would get better. The dream that I did marry someone worthy of my love, honesty, trust and commitment. I lost the dream that I would grow old with this person, that he would remain faithful to me and our family. I lost the dream that I was indeed a good judge of character. To me this was a year full of losses. I lost the dream I had for myself, my marriage, my family and our children.

But I know I will have other dreams. And I will work harder to achieve the outcome of what I want. I didnt want this, but it is what it is. I will not live in denial, I will not settle for someone who doesnt want me.

It was a hard day for me putting the final touches on my divorce agreement. I file Wednesday. The dream that it would never happen gone.

On the bright side, I did get good news about my biopsey of my stomach. No cancer.........YEAH. I do have bleeding ulcers but that can be managed.

So I gratefully leave 2007 behind, and somewhat look forward to 2008.

Stay safe everyone and take care of yourselfs.

blackbird542 posted 12/31/2007 19:12 PM

Hello Everyone and Happy New Year. I have decided that 2008 is my year to really become the person I want to be without anyone to hold me back. My daughters are grown and very supportive and my WH is probably "celebrating" with the OW tonight but I met with him yesterday for the first time since DDay and he looked AWFUL and I looked like a million bucks. Just remember the horrible cliche that virtue is its own reward. I can't claim to be an angel but I know that I, like all of you, can look in the mirror and not be disgusted. My WH and many others cannot say the same. Even ifyour WS is seemingly blissfully happy, I feel tht the karma bus eventually stops by.

My advice to all is -- find your own inner self. Cherish who you are, dont let others define you and remember that eventually what goes around comes around for all those WS folks who think they can escape consequences.

[This message edited by blackbird542 at 7:13 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

burnt_toast posted 1/1/2008 15:35 PM

Just had to add a quick update : I had a blast last night.

We can make it !

burnt_toast posted 1/2/2008 12:29 PM

I wanted to share this Hugh MacLeod cartoon this morning :

It just seems so right.
Happy new year to all of you!

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 12:30 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]

SerJR posted 1/2/2008 14:32 PM

I posted this in general... about why the WS leaves and just wanted to share in case you didn't get a chance to read it.

HeartOfGlass posted 1/5/2008 19:56 PM

I wish SO much I wasn't a member of this club. But I am. I believe as I type, she is enjoying my furniture, petting my cat & no doubt XXX'ing my WS to boot while I sit here, still blindly in another state. It hurts SO much she is SO FOS and he is SO blind :(

ittybittya posted 1/5/2008 20:04 PM

I don't post much on this topic and I'm not really sure why....

But, my XH married OP this past year he told me. I felt NOTHING. I remember thinking it would be my greatest fear post dday. It isn't. It never will be.

Yes I think it is a bit comical that they married but I'm also hopeful that maybe it'll work out for them. Not because I'm that nice of a person lol....

I just always thought it was ironic that two people left marriages to marry each other. What makes people think they have that great of a chance to make it work? I can't even fathom remarrying and I'm cool with that.

Just wanted to put this out there.

burnt_toast posted 1/5/2008 21:48 PM

Update on the regrets topic...

My STBX came home today for D related stuff... expressed lots of regrets, said he's been extremely mean to me and acted like an unmoral jerk... recognized the pain he inflicted me on several precise occasions.

And you know what ? It did me NO GOOD. NADA.

I've been hoping for apologies and the recognition of the pain specific things he's done inflicted me... got it and... no... not of any help. It made me suffer like hell, like a sour, terrible joke.

It's just too late once everything is destroyed. Apologies don't rebuild anything.
Apologies don't make beautiful children.
Apologies don't pay the rent.
Apologies don't hug.
Apologies don't give orgasms.
Apologies don't bring you soup when you are sick.
Apologies don't keep your bed warm at night.
Apologies don't make dinner when you're working overtime.
Apologies do less than any good AD's on the market.

I know that the lack of closure and regrets from the WS is a hot topic among us on this thread.

Now what I wanna say is this : I realized today that it's a waste of time and energy to wait for healing and closure to come from them. And if it doesn't come from them, it means we must have all what it takes to make it happen from within.

Lets not make our happiness depend on them anymore.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 9:51 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

amireallyhere posted 1/6/2008 17:47 PM

I am starting to agree that WH showing regret and admiting to all the damage he has done wont change a thing. burnt_toast is absoutely right, none of those things will change with an "I'm sorry"

I too am waiting for WH to announce his impending marriage. Ofcourse he has to divorce me first. I have this sick feeling OW is pregant.

Our area was hit heavy with a storm on Friday. We have been without electricty since then and it probably wont be back on for another three days. It is the first crises I have had to manage on my own. Trying to take care of the home, the kids and making sure everything is safe for us. I have been anixous and angry. Why isnt he here to help us, me. To top it all off he closed our joint bank account on Thursday, took remaining money and hasnt sent me anything for this month. Why does he keep piling this shit on me. I have so much to worry about. I am doing okay and do realize I can do it all on my own. Whether I wanted to or not, I am.

I have a questions to ask everyone.........I have told my children, age 16 & 17,and WH that they could not visit him at his new home until we are divorced. I have stated that it is wrong to be living with OW while married to me and have his impressionable children stay with them. I told him he could get a hotel and have them come and stay if he wants to see them there. (money for him is not a problem) he says that it is life and I should deal with it. I think why would you want your children to see you living like that. It is wrong on so many differant levels I cant believe I would have to explain that to him. I told him also to file for divorce to speed it up for our children to visit him at his love nest if thats what he wants. (No I havent filed yet) Am I being unreasonable? I know part of it is that I am not ready, but a big part just seems so wrong to me. Dont you think the kids will be uncomfortable? They havent asked to go, but they also know how I feel. No one has pushed the issue with me. What do you think?

SerJR posted 1/6/2008 17:52 PM

he says that it is life and I should deal with it.

And children carrying guns in 3rd world nations is life too. Doesn't mean it's healthy for them. You do what what is in the best interests of your children and you are most comfortable with.

ETA: "This is life" is just a cop-out to deny responsibility for what he did. Life didn't do this. He did.

[This message edited by SerJR at 5:59 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]

burnt_toast posted 1/6/2008 19:13 PM

he says that it is life and I should deal with it.

I agree with Ser... it's easy for them to banalize it, but it doesn't make it better.

I applause you for sticking to your principles and morals and not let him feed you this BS.

devastated07 posted 1/7/2008 14:22 PM

Came here to vent. There is a thread about Forgivness in General and some people talk about the A "not being about them" and how over time they can forgive the WS. But when you have been abandoned by the WS for the OP, how can you say "it wasn't about me"? How can you say, "I can forgive them over time"? Sometimes I need to separate myself from the Reconciliation crowd...the people whose WS came back to them to try again. WSs who came crying back for forgivness...then forgiveness, over time, is a piece of cake for them. But for us, hell, we have to use up all our energy to make our ex's as irrelevant as possible to our lives. Forgivness be damned. Is forgiveness possible for the betrayed?

burnt_toast posted 1/7/2008 21:54 PM

I'm not sure, devastated. I'm not sure. Maybe their importance in our lives will gently fade away as we rebuild ourselves, perhaps find a new partner... But forgiveness ? I'm really not sure at this point. I believe though that I will think forever of my WS as very, very foolish and selfish. But at some point, maybe it won't matter that much anymore. Time will tell.

SerJR posted 1/8/2008 07:24 AM

I think you're right burnt_toast. You will find two camps of thought on SI on that matter. The first believes that we can always forgive. The second believes that sometimes you can't, but you can come to acceptance.

The thinking for the 'acceptance camp' is that for forgiveness to take place it involves two parties - the one that was offended, and the one that offended who must be remorseful and want forgiveness. You can't really forgive someone who doesn't want it. All that can be done is to accept that the offense happened (after grieving) and move forward with life without holding onto resentment.

[This message edited by SerJR at 11:42 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

burnt_toast posted 1/8/2008 11:35 AM

@ Ser
Looking forward to that day.

kwash posted 1/8/2008 11:54 AM

I am living the debate of forgiving with/without remorse. I would agree that it is different - being given the opportunity to R has a lot to do with forgiveness in my mind.

My exH left me for the OW and never looked back. They are married now. He even had the gall (wish I had a better word) to tell me that our M could have been repaired but that it was easier to leave me and start fresh than to stay and work for it. I've given it a lot of thought over the years and explored forgiveness in IC and so far nothing. I have stopped actively not forgiving them, but I wouldn't say that I have forgiven them. Frankly I don't think I ever will.

Fast forward to now - my FWBF had dinner with a woman he met online (he says that is all that happened - I figure more, but that's another story). It was still devastating to be betrayed and I felt/feel many of the same things I did when my ex-H cheated and then left me for OW. FWBF is remorseful, working hard and readily agreed to MC. We're 10 months from d-day and I don't know if I've forgiven him yet, but I think I am on my way to.

I do believe that it is possible to forgive after a betrayal, though I wouldn't waste much energy on those who do nothing to earn it.

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