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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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still confounded posted 1/12/2008 21:35 PM

burnt_toast speaks wisely:

"Let's not make our happiness depend on them anymore."

And as for forgiveness? I quote the Dixie Chicks -- "I'm not ready to make nice."

And amireallyhere -- you're the mother. you have the right and the responsibility to pass on your values to your kids. YOUR values.

Being left for the OP stinks in every way, but, at least in my case, I think it's a bit like that speech from "Macbeth" -- the WS/XH and OW are "like two spent swimmers that do cling together and choke their art." In other words, they came together, each hoping to be "saved" and instead it appears they are drowning in debt and chaos.
I am not gloating. No really. I'm not.

learningasIgo posted 1/13/2008 22:28 PM

I have not been in your particular situation, but I thought I'd share my view of things. Forgiveness is overrated. I see no reason for it. This does not mean that you are consumed daily, monthly whatever with hatred and bile towards those you have not forgiven. It just means that you have not forgiven them. I have not forgiven my XH. I doubt, REALLY doubt, I ever will. He is a vile, evil person. Why should I forgive him? It doesn't cause me any inner turmoil or guilt. I just don't forgive him because he as done nothing to deserve my forgiveness. And this causes me no problems whatsoever.

Now I understand that many have faith practices that encourage or even compell them to forgive. And I respect that. It's right for them. But I'm not of that ilk. And I don't forgive him because he has done absolutley nothing to earn my forgiveness. Or deserve it. And therefore I'm not giving it. To do so would feel wierd, not natural, forced. (religion actually feels that way to me but that's just me). I don't feel it. He has done nothing to earn or deserve it. I'm not forcing myself to give it.

This is my view. Maybe (probably not because I realize it goes against the prevailing religious beliefs here) it will be helpful. If not, ignore it.

amireallyhere posted 1/14/2008 01:10 AM


I think that most WH/WW that betray their spouses set off on an intentional path to hurt the one they are betraying. How can you ever truely forgive someone who knows right from wrong, good from bad and honesty from dishonesty?

Forgiveness is for yourself not the one who betrays you. I think we all need to resolve what has happened to us and move on. Do we forgive them.....hell no. To me forgiveness would mean accepting that what WH has done was okay. That even though WH knew what he was doing in destorying our marriage and family, its okay. It is not okay and they know it just as we do. It is not okay to be a selfish self centered human being who puts your own happiness above all others. It is not okay to knowingly lie and decieve another for your protection.

No, I will never forgive WH for what he has done to me, our marriage and our children. He does not deserve it. Forgiveness might be a one night stand, not two years of lies. And when they do leave you for the OP I for one wonder how do they live with themselves. How can you base your new found happiness on others pain.

No, forgiveness is too easy. With deliberte actions, forgiveness does not come.

Now I value my faith, I do believe it is not our place to judge one another. Only our higher being can make a judgement about ones actions and chacater. Thats why I think it is important that for our own sake we forget and move on. I have to believe all of my WH sins will catch up with him. He will pay and suffer sooner or later. My job is not to let this toxic human being destory the rest of my life. He has already done enough damage. I am no longer giving him anymore power over my life. His time come and I will GLOAT in his new found reality.

learningasIgo posted 1/17/2008 22:15 PM

I think that the reason we are urged to forgive is for our own good. This is why so many religions encourage it. It's because hanging on to anger is harmful ultimately to our own selves. BUT I think it's possible to get to a place where you are no longer engaged with anger and still do not forgive. That's where I'm at. My XH takes up no more of my energy now from my anger, hatred, etc. That's done. I finally got through it and realized how toxic it was TO ME. But that doesn't mean I forgive him. Since my religious beliefs don't demand it, why should I? He's a horrible person who did terrible things to me and his children and continues to be toxic to them and he has no remorse or guilt. Why should I forgive him? I see no reason for it. I just want him AWAY from me which I've achieved. :)

queequeg posted 1/20/2008 18:01 PM

To those who married your XWS, because they were special and you shared some very important moments in your life with them before they left for the AP, are you sometimes still haunted by warm thoughts about them years after the D?

movingonandup posted 1/20/2008 19:47 PM

I also have a hard time with this forgiveness stuff. I am no way close to being able to consider that right now. I'm hoping to some day be able to let go and have this all behind me, but forgiveness??? I guess in my case I won't ever need to forgive, because as far as stbxh is concerned I'm the only one at fault. Maybe some day he can forgive me.

amireallyhere posted 1/22/2008 09:58 AM


I am not divorced YET. It will be sometime this year. What I do know is that I have no fond memories of WH. I havent fallen into the rewriting of our marriage that WH has but I find it hard to remember anything that I dont now associate with a lie. I dont know how long WH has been the person he is now. Probably for our entire 25yrs together. I now associate all memmories with lies.

Sadly, anything that was once special between us is now tarnished with the memory of his lying and cheating. His true intentions was to hurt me and he finally has.

I know with time the strength of my feelings will soften but I will always remember the hurt and betrayal which will never allow any fond memories to surface.

devastated07 posted 1/22/2008 11:52 AM

but I will always remember the hurt and betrayal which will never allow any fond memories to surface.
This is the key to my healing and ultimately, my survival. But sometimes when I think of the warm fond memories, I acknowledge and move on with great speed. It helps.

[This message edited by devastated07 at 11:54 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

Betrayed74 posted 1/22/2008 11:57 AM

Unfortunately, I DO remember the good times and warm moments and memories. Wish I could latch on to the lies and betrayal and believe me, I haven't forgotten but I do miss the good times we had and had there been a chance for R, I probably would have taken it. Blah.

He said something to me last week when we spoke on the phone--he said it without being prompted and fairly out of the blue. It was:

'I don't blame you for anything.'

Good. Because I know I am in no way to blame for what he did.

Heartbroken129 posted 1/23/2008 15:46 PM

I have been doing so good here lately. Since January 1st, I have felt like a new person. I am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of D-day and I can feel myself going down. All of a sudden I am more emotional about everything. This is the time when everything was so bad. I compare now to then and I have come so far but I am really hurting right now. My XH is still with the OW. I also received an email from another woman from a while back that wanted to apologize for everything that happened. When I dug a little deeper [because I had suspected something with her years ago, but things had changed or so I thought] I found out that he had never stopped talking with her and that she had talked to him up until the wedding. She said that she was sorry for everything that happened and for the part she played in it. She said she admired me for everything that I had put up with and how much I had overcome. She said she finally realized that he was the bad person and not me. It made me feel good for a little while, but it has also brought me way down. I didn't realize she was in the middle of everything too. It just makes me feel like even a bigger fool for marrying him. I don't understand how I missed it. I guess there was always the thought in the back of my head but I figured I must be wrong because if I was right why would he marry me. I just don't understand and I am beginning to feel hopeless about ever feeling better.

devastated07 posted 1/24/2008 10:19 AM

Uhhh! I'm so mad. I just found out exH has a driver's license! While we were married he NEVER had a driver's licesne and had no desire to get one. I used to chaufer us around, even while pregnant. I used to BEG him to get one. Now that he is with stupid piss-smelling OW he got one. Of course, she lives in another state so he probably felt that OW chauffering him around didn't look good.

burnt_toast posted 1/24/2008 18:24 PM

Oh, Devastated, I could say that with tuns of things, including losing weight, new clothes, and fresh underwear... typical.

lmom posted 1/25/2008 14:25 PM

[This message edited by lmom at 10:49 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]

amireallyhere posted 1/25/2008 15:38 PM

I had a major set back today that has just left me desevested and feeling like I am at day one again.

I havent spoken to WH since Jan 3rd. He text me last night saying he wanted to come see the kids next week. Asked if it was alright with me. He hasnt seen them in two months. Ofcourse its okay. But my daughter (17) doesnt want to see him or speak with him. She says they have nothing to talk about and shes done with him. I have tried to encourage her to speak with him, but I think she needs time to heal from the pain and anger.

Well he wanted to talk with me about this so I did. Big mistake. Two things really hurt me about our conversation.
First: He started bringing up the past. Saying that I never wanted to be married to him and that we were both there because of the kids. Also, if I were a good mom I would want and encourage his relationship with the kids. He says I am bad mouthing him. It is now my job to make nice with him to help our kids get through this. I have been asking him for help since he left and he just blew me off. He said some more hurtful things about how bad our marriage had been. He made up things that didnt happen and spoke of feelings I never had.
Second: I could clearly see he has resolved our marriage and break up to fit his memories. I know he has been living with her but this is the first time I heard in his voice that he has really moved on. That he was okay with his decision and his only concern was reestablishing a relationship with the kids. He wants us to talk once a week so I can update him and keep him connected so he can repair the relationships.

I cant do that. I want my kids to have their dad in their lives but they know how I feel about him. I tell them what happened between us was our stuff and that their dad loves and misses them. But his actions and absentance sends out a differant messages. He doesnt get this at all. Besides they are teenagers and I myself have difculity talking and maintaing a relationship with at times. I think their reactions to him are normal. They are fully aware of what has happened and how it happened.

I am just really sad to see things working out so happily for him while I am still so sad. He has never told me before that he was just here for the kids. I cant help wonder just how perfect things are for them. how he compares his happiness with her to his misery with me. I cant stop the movie reel in my head.

It is bad enough getting a divorce after 25 years, but to lose your WH to another women he thinks so highly of and loves. Its very painful. I am having problems dealing with the break up, rejection, sadness and the future. He has found love and happiness and has a great future.

I can not talk with him anymore. It just throws me back into a depression I am fighting so hard to get out of.

I know time will heal, but it sure is taking its time. I wonder if I will truely ever get over this pain and sadness.

allalonenow posted 1/26/2008 07:03 AM

I can't see or talk to WH right now. I either end up a crying basketcase mess or an insane angry bitch. The pain is so intense inside me!!! And what makes it worse is the lack of emotion from him.

I know that eventually he will crash & burn. I just hope I can stay strong & NOT be there to help him, he wasn't here to help me. Then he'll really find out what he's done becuz he's burned all his bridges with family & friends. Hopefully by then I'll be healed enough to not care (even if I will gloat a little ).

hopeless05 posted 1/27/2008 21:20 PM

Does anyone believe these types of relationships work? My stbx is still with the whore that he left us for and its been a little over 1 year. I have heard once the affair is exposed they normally only last 6-12 months. Does anyone know if this is true?

tkd1 posted 1/27/2008 22:31 PM

hopeless05 I am in the same sitch as you. I cling to the little things I read about "relationships born from affairs are doomed" and 2nd and 3rd marriages are much more likely to not work out....because this is her THIRD marriage.

I do want my WXH back. I can't get over that. I can't believe that something that came out of so much suffering and lies can last.

But I think I am just torturing my self, in the long run.

betterdaysahead posted 1/27/2008 22:33 PM

We were married over 25 years...he left one day and moved in with OW...they've been together over a year and from all accounts are VERY happy.

Do I care? NO....Will it work? Who knows.

HeartOfGlass posted 1/27/2008 22:40 PM

Ditto here. 7 yrs together, he meets some cyber MOW & kaboom destroys four families. Smart guy...:P

carpediembaby posted 1/28/2008 01:47 AM

I pretty much fit in this category.

I am being kicked out of the house by my WSO because "MOW wanted to live here". You know, because he(WSO) wants to take his life in a "different direction".

I have some suggestions for the "different direction" he can take this new life....

Nouveau posted 1/28/2008 02:12 AM

Can a relationship/marriage that "comes out of so much suffering and lies" last?

Sometimes they can. My 1st H left me in 28 years ago for the OW who was my former BF. They married 1 month after we were D. They are still together.

They ended up losing the house and have lived in a trailer park for the past 20 years and are not happy. They both gave up so much to be together that they are hell-bent to prove to the world that they can stay together, no matter what.

My last H married the OW within a year of the D. That was 3 years ago. They are still together. Will it last? Probably, as long as her money and his narcissistic supply holds out.

In other words, these 2 couples had a lot of problems before their relationships began. They didn't suddenly become healthy when they married. These 4 people are still the dishonest, shallow and disturbed people they were when they met. So they stay together because they are so much alike.

And it doesn't hurt anymore. I have moved on and done so much better things with my life without either of them.

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