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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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Nouveau posted 1/28/2008 02:12 AM

Can a relationship/marriage that "comes out of so much suffering and lies" last?

Sometimes they can. My 1st H left me in 28 years ago for the OW who was my former BF. They married 1 month after we were D. They are still together.

They ended up losing the house and have lived in a trailer park for the past 20 years and are not happy. They both gave up so much to be together that they are hell-bent to prove to the world that they can stay together, no matter what.

My last H married the OW within a year of the D. That was 3 years ago. They are still together. Will it last? Probably, as long as her money and his narcissistic supply holds out.

In other words, these 2 couples had a lot of problems before their relationships began. They didn't suddenly become healthy when they married. These 4 people are still the dishonest, shallow and disturbed people they were when they met. So they stay together because they are so much alike.

And it doesn't hurt anymore. I have moved on and done so much better things with my life without either of them.

devastated07 posted 1/28/2008 07:04 AM

Just wanted to share: I am reading this book called "How can I forgive you?" and it is excellent. Basically it says you CANNOT forgive someone if they have not earned it or if they are not in your life. Forgivness is a two way street. The offender has to WANT forgivness. Secondly, Acceptance is the path to true healing for those who cannot forgive. Acceptance is when you acknowledge that you will not view the offender as the ultimate enemy anymore. You will move on without them because when you hate them they become the center of your world. Acceptance is when you give up on them consuming your thoughts. This weekend I actually emailed my ex and outright told him that I will not treat him coldly anymore. He was consuming my thoughts way too much. I told him I will give him the courtesty that I would give any stanger. I did this for me, not for him. I highly recommend this book.

[This message edited by devastated07 at 7:06 AM, January 28th (Monday)]

devastated07 posted 1/28/2008 07:59 AM

I have heard once the affair is exposed they normally only last 6-12 months. Does anyone know if this is true?

Hopeless: Trust some of the "veterans" on this board. Once you work on your healing and consider yourself semi-healed (long process) you will not care if they last 1 year or 100. You just won't care...and its a good feeling.

burnt_toast posted 1/30/2008 22:37 PM

Thanks for sharing the book reference, Devastated. I'll be looking for it.

Anger is consuming me right now. I'm hoping once I'm over with the D, I can focus on expressing some of that anger to STBX, then start to let that tension go.

It_Hurts posted 2/2/2008 23:28 PM

My STBXW told me/threatened me last night that she will marry her OM. I doubt that'll happen, he's screwing another married woman besides my STBXW and he has other girlfriends too, my STBXW knows about them and accepts them apparently, but she said it to try to fire me up and make me angry and laughed when I asked her why would I care. She pointed to our 3 y/o son and mockingly told me her OM would be around my son....

Man my STBXW is a POS....anyway, I'm here to vent I guess.
Cheating spouses have no idea how much they hurt those that once loved them. Even now on the road to D, she has to try to hurt me. I did nothing but love her and even wanted to R more than anything...I honestly could've forgiven her for her A and worked on forgetting if she would just put in any effort into R and would go NC.
Today's been really tough. I have my son this weekend and when I look at him, he's so amazing, but he will never know what it's like to live in a home with both parents. It breaks my heart.

[This message edited by It_Hurts at 11:31 PM, February 2nd (Saturday)]

queequeg posted 2/8/2008 09:44 AM

Are there any WSs here who could answer the following question:

In most marriages the BS probably does as many good things for the WS as things that disappoint.

Can WSs explain to me how they can focus on only the negatives and disappointments and none of the good things the BS has done (assuming of course there is not physical abuse, or substance abuse etc.) before they start their A and leaving?

snowontheroof posted 2/9/2008 14:58 PM


I can only relay what my daughter told me. She said that she tried on a DAILY basis to explain what she needed i.e. stop spending every dime we have, think about getting a job that pays more or a second job so that you are an equal contributor since you are spending 3 times what I do. Stop avoiding my every touch as though my hand is on fire. Try actually talking to me so that I don't feel like I am in the room alone. Put my needs ahead of you mothers. Please don't stay drunk from Friday night til Sunday night, I come from a southern state and have never dealt with foot deep snow how about coming to get me when I am scared and call you for help after working a 12 hour shift. 6 months of this and guess what the OM (neighbor) was johnny on the spot when the 23 year old beautiful newlywed called crying because she was 1000 miles from home and her husband only told her to man up when she was insecure and afraid. I don't know but somewhere in this mess you might find the answer to your question. It still makes me sick to think about it.

green_eyed_devil posted 2/11/2008 11:57 AM

I'm new here and have been reading thru some of the posts. A little intro. My partner and I had been together for 6 years when he started having an EA with someone he met at work (didn't work with her but she spent a lot of time there). I was 7 months pg at the time and we weren't married. I told him I wasn't going to deal with it and kicked him out of our home. He moved in with OW, who BTW was only 18 and still lived at home with her mom! He married her 2 months later. She knew she had him and wasted no time planning a wedding when he was still shaken up over losing his life with me and our children. They married 7/7/02 and our youngest son was born 7/11/02. By the next month she was pregnant (told him she was taking birth control but was flushing the pills). He tried to divorce her but couldn't since she was pg. He left her when their daughter was 3 months old (8/03) and their divorce was final in 10/04. In 1/04 I agreed to let him move back in with me after coming home from active duty with the army. We finally married just last March, but have been together since 3/96, minus those 2 years with her.

I often wonder if I did the right thing by taking him back. The hatred and hurt was so awful while he was with her. He was so depressed and attempted suicide and I hated her for making him so miserable and trapping him into a marriage and child. But I also felt they deserved each other completely. We still are working on issues, mainly those surrounding the OC who will be 5 in a couple of months. OW has went on to have relationships with many more mm and men who are in long term relationships. It's like she doesn't know any better/different. She still has the fantasy that my H will go back to her, after all he left me once for her. She is now pregnant with yet another MM's child and due in April. His man packed his wife and 4 children up and moved out of state so his wife wouldn't find out. I'd love to get their name and number and give her a ring.

Enough of my ramblings. I wish I had known this site was here years ago instead of just coming across it while H and I are dealing with past issues. Are there any others here who have reconciled with their WS after they left them for the OW? And for those of you who are wondering if it can be done I'm here. It's been a long hard road, but it's been worth it in the end. Even though we are still working thru parts of it (due to OC) it can overcome.

unabletoheal posted 2/15/2008 13:34 PM

How do you stop thinking of them together? It kills me to think of that! I feel the only way I can stop doing that is if I get involved with someone else and I haven't even put in for the divorce yet. I am so heartbroken

devastated07 posted 2/15/2008 13:53 PM

Are there any others here who have reconciled with their WS after they left them for the OW?

Yes. Post this question in General or Reconciliation. You'll probably get more responses.

queequeg posted 2/18/2008 10:32 AM

Did anyone with a remorseless WS who left for the OP, ever have the nagging feeling during their marriage that they were constantly being judged?

Petrinka posted 2/19/2008 18:28 PM

Yes, QQ, I couldn't do anything right from the moment he met his skank. He actually told me I would have to have liposuction and a boob job. This all while he was 60 lbs overweight himself.

I was such a bad wife, what WAS I thinking to have a good full-time job, fix dinner every night, pack his lunch attractively, keep a clean house, never let him run of clean underwear, go fishing and camping with him, give him praise for taking out the trash (the ONLY thing he helped me with), and on top of it all, wouldn't allow him to have a girlfriend! Sheesh!

roadlesstraveled posted 2/19/2008 18:56 PM

Did anyone on here have a WS leave you and tell you that you did NOTHING wrong? Tell you that you were wonderful and that their leaving had nothing to do with you?

This is what xh told me when he left. He still says this today, over a year later. He says that I am great and that there is nothing wrong with me but that I deserve better than he could give me.

For some reason this makes me sadder than anything. It's been hard for me to find any anger in the whole situation, just a great sadness and disappointment that xh didn't even try to stay committed to me.

He never blamed me or gaslighted etc. Just said that we weren't meant to be and that he couldn't play the "role" any longer. Apparently, when he met me 10 years ago, he tried to be someone he wasn't..someone he wanted to be but in the end, couldn't.

Is that just an excuse? Or do people sometimes really try to be someone they are not in a marriage? In my case, xh tried to be a stand-up and good guy. Now he views himself as the ultimate scumbag and thinks that it is just in his genes to be somewhat of the "bad guy". Do you buy this? Is it nature vs. nuture?

XH claims that people can't really change the core of who they are. He says that he tried and it obviously didn't work. He thinks that people can only change so much before they break.

Any thoughts or opinions on this? Truth or total b.s.??

queequeg posted 2/19/2008 20:37 PM


Your H is providing himself rationalizations and excuses for his immaturity, lying, cheating, and infidelity.

The core of who your husband is did not change.

What changed was his commitment to you, and his inability to deal in a mature way with the stresses in your marriage.

Your husband needs to justify his degrading his wife in his mind and his sexual acting out with all that other crap.

Bottom line:

Marriage takes commitment and work, not some magic feeling and a "soulmate."

At the core of it, IMHO, is your husband's immaturity.

I wouldn't buy the rest of it, even if it was on sale at Macy's for 50% off.

Even at that low, low price you would be buying garbage.

[This message edited by queequeg at 8:40 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]

SerJR posted 2/19/2008 21:20 PM


"Couldn't be myself" is one of those wonderful sounding cliches - anyone can spout one and sound insightful to an uninquisitive mind. I think that if you push you will find that he can't back it up with anything concrete. They're likely just hollow words.

It is possible for two people to be different enough to cause incompatibilities, but that would have to be extreme to cause a marriage to break down. It's still not justification for an affair, running away, and not working through it.

I think Q is closer to the mark than your H. You H might just trying to avoid the whole confrontation and trying to play the martyr.

scorpio1 posted 2/19/2008 21:35 PM

By the time my WH moved to another state with the OW and the OC, I wanted him to go. I knew the distance would do me some good. All of the healing I was do was wasted because he was around, still playing his games.

I decided that I didn't have the right to get in the way if two people want to be together. My mind was filled more with, "I can't believe he abandoned his children," than thinking about him with the OW. And when it crossed my mind, I would accept it and smile because I knew my day would come.

I started a new job and met people. I am no longer a SAHM and am now a single, working mom. I'm tired but I am doing so much better without his presence. I fought the OW signing my name and my license being suspended. And I won! I bought a new car because the other car was dead. I started to believe that anything was possible.

I met this guy and I thought he was nice. Boy was I surprised when he started popping up in my dreams. Very erotic! We were both interested and I asked God for at least one time. And he granted it. Boy, it felt good to rock that 28 year old body - me being 38 after all. LOL!

Well, you can imagine the surprise when WH found out that I was dating. And being with the guy felt good. It was for me. For a minute, I did compare. And then I decided that neither one is better than the other. They are just different.

My husband has lived a lie with me for 15 years. I won't give up another 15 years of my life just to heal. To me, I have healed as much as I am going to. This is something that will be with me for the rest of my life. But as time goes by, its importance lessens and you really live again.

roadlesstraveled posted 2/20/2008 05:19 AM

Your H is providing himself rationalizations and excuses for his immaturity, lying, cheating, and infidelity.

The core of who your husband is did not change.

What changed was his commitment to you, and his inability to deal in a mature way with the stresses in your marriage.

Your husband needs to justify his degrading his wife in his mind and his sexual acting out with all that other crap.

Queequeg: what you said in your post makes a lot of sense to me and is very valid! I think you are right on- much of what xh says boils down to excuses and nothing more. We can be as good or moral as we make our minds up to be.

Commitment isn't easy and it takes work. My xh took the cowardly route and didn't stick around to face any of the "hard stuff". He left before he had to deal with any of it.

Thank you so much for your comments!
Insightful and helpful.

roadlesstraveled posted 2/20/2008 05:21 AM

Your H might just trying to avoid the whole confrontation and trying to play the martyr.

SerJR: Exactly!! He has always avoided confrontation and him leaving me was no different. He didn't even tell my WHY he was leaving (no mention of A or OW)..just something about trying to "find himself"...over a year and a half later he is still trying to do just that.

amireallyhere posted 2/25/2008 19:55 PM

I havent been here in awhile trying to adjust to my new life as a divorced mom. I cant believe it has been five months since my WH dumped me and the kids to go live with his "soulmate girlfriend". The pain and saddness of that reality is something I still deal with daily.

I have to say I am a lot better emotionally now then I was five months ago. I still do have some bad days, but for the most part I get through the day accepting what has now become my life.

WH has not seen his kids in three months. He moved away with OW to start his life and seems to have forgotten he is a dad. Kids hardly speak with him and when they do it is only through text messages. He was scheduled to visit this pass week. I agreed to let him stay in the home (I was leaving) to make it easier for the kids. He said both flights had been canceled so he wasnt coming. He only lives four hours away. I wonder if the OW gave him grief about coming back home to see his kids. I just dont get it. Why did he abandon them too.

I still try not to focus what their life is like together. I have received text messages from him saying he is lost and sad. He said he was sorry for giving up on us and hurting me and that he never wanted to be divorced. In the same breath he blamed me for all of our troubles. It still hurts.

How horible we are all sad and hurt. It would be better for me if he just adminted that he is happy with his decision and where he is. At least there would be some weak reason for all the rejection and pain I am trying to heal from.

I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me how my future is going to be. Will I always be this sad and lonely. Will I always regret that my children had to endure the pain of their parents divorce. Will he marry her and start a new family? I know we need to take one day at a time, but it is sometimes dificult to get through the day.

This really sucks that he is living with her when he should be with his family working on his commitments.

I still havent filed for divorce yet. I dont know what I am waiting for. I know it is over. Since this is what he wants why wont he file. Just another sign of what a coward he is. How sad that I believed in him for 25 years and it led to such disappointment and pain.

I know we all have some of the same emotions. The one emotion I refuse to keep is anger. It only hurts me. I think I will always be sad and hurt about the events, but I must move on. We all must. I keep saying to myself, everyday I move closer to being completely healed. I hope this is true.

What I know for sure is that after five months I still sometimes think I am living a nightmare. That this is not what has happened to me at this point in my life. That it was all a mistake. But I know it isnt. And I must fully accept that my husband is in love with and living with someone other than me.

amireallyhere posted 2/25/2008 19:57 PM

[This message edited by amireallyhere at 8:21 PM, February 29th (Friday)]

devastated07 posted 3/2/2008 20:24 PM

Did anyone on here have a WS leave you and tell you that you did NOTHING wrong?

Don't overanalyze this. This person was taken out of your life for a reason and one day that answer will be revealed to you. Someday.

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