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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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tigerlilly posted 5/2/2008 05:44 AM

hesgone, I think you have to do your best o try and make some more friends. It is so important and so helpful. Even if you were still married, no one person should or can fullfill all of your friendship needs. Do 1-2 things every month to try to meet people. look in your local paper, go to community events, go to (this is not a dating site, it is a place for anyone looking to find others w/ same interests eg hiking, book clubs, quilting).

Please do this for yourself. You deserve people to hang out w/ and friends who know how to be loyal and trustworthy.

devastated07 posted 5/2/2008 08:29 AM

If anyone is interested, I found a helpful site dedicated to being abandoned by your spouse: (there is a section on their community board that deals with runaway wives as well)

hesgone posted 5/2/2008 17:13 PM

Tigerlilly, That's good advice. I guess I've been so wrapped up with getting my life together (housing, finances, kids, job, etc.) that I haven't made the effort to have a social life. I have done some things for myself, and I do have one or two friends who I see occasionally, but no close friends. So I'll think I'll try to make that more of a priority.
Devastated, I looked at that site. It's really mind boggling what people will do, and there does seem to be a pattern.

tigerlilly posted 5/5/2008 18:50 PM

Help. i need support re: my MIL. I keep in touch w/ her, talk to her about 1/month. we have agreed to keep WH out of our discussions, but she always finds a way to mention what a great father he is. Tonight, I said, "I agree that he interacts well w/ the children, but a good father would have worked on his marriage." I wanted to say so much more, like "yes he is good at lego, but I would have preferred he be a good role model re: marriage and committment. I would prefer he not give the message that it is ok to date when you are married, ok to leave w/o even trying, ok to leave mommy for her close friend .

I did not say this. i know she needs to think somewhat highly of her golden boy. i know it would have hurt her, but I am SO ANGRY. Just looking for a few nice words. Tiger.

[This message edited by tigerlilly at 6:52 PM, May 5th (Monday)]

hesgone posted 5/5/2008 19:49 PM

I think "a good father would have worked on his marriage" pretty much sums it up. I guess it's better to leave it at that. More discussion probably won't change either of your opinions, and it will get both of you upset. But I do agree with everything you say, and it's good to get it out here.

tigerlilly posted 5/6/2008 06:05 AM

Thanks, it really does help to get it out here. I know she feels badly about the whole thing, no need to really take away any more from her.

2trusting101 posted 5/6/2008 16:47 PM

Cliches are often used to sound like you're making a valid point and readily accepted by people who have difficulty thinking for themselves. Most often, if you keep asking them "What do you mean by that?" you'll end up with a blank stare.

SerJR, I know EXACTLY the blank stare you are talking about!! It's amazing because it seems as though he is looking at me as if I'm crazy!

When a WS says:

"You'll never be able to forgive me for what I've done",

The appropriate response is:

"That's my call and you never asked for forgiveness. So you are a self serving, unremorseful, low life with very little character. How I ever missed all that when I said, I do, is my problem."

Sinkingship, how I wish I had thought to say that!

Not Giving Up posted 5/9/2008 00:44 AM

I belong here as well. WH left on d-day 03/07/08 to live with OW. He has shown no remorse. Currently there is NC. I don't expect him to ever come home:( I wish the fog would lift and he would realize he is making a mistake. We have two small children and this sucks.

willriseagain posted 5/26/2008 08:59 AM

I belong here, too.

Reading "Uncoupling" has helped shed a lot of light on what was going on up until he finally let me in on his plan to leave. The fact is, he left the marriage long ago - he just never told me until he physically left. I wanted to R but he doesn't want to jeopardize his relationship with OW (or he's just trying to save face for me...who knows). It's been incredibly painful. Every person in my life who I've let get close to me has ended up betraying me and leaving. I thought I was safe from that in my marriage, I thought 13 years together meant something. I thought wrong.

I just started IC on Sat. Read Surviving Infidelity when I first was alerted that he was leaving, and like I said, I'm reading Uncoupling now and finding it insightful (though painful to read... even though it's the "how" relationships end, it hits so close to home that it makes me feel awful about it anyway).

So my therapist has me focusing on 180 and moving forward. Make more contacts since I've been pretty isolated. Get away from the kids when I can (I'm currently a SAHM trying to re-enter the workforce but it's not been an easy task). Get out. Fake it til I make it. Maybe he'll notice, but if he doesn't, what have I got to lose? It can't get worse, right?

tigerlilly posted 5/26/2008 12:16 PM

willrise, You WILL get through this. No matter what happens, it will get easier. You can do it, because not doing it is not an option.

hallie56 posted 6/5/2008 00:42 AM

My stbx is trying to change jobs to be with his new love. Ain't that a good one? Leaves me for her, then wants to quit yet another job for her. Oh well, she is his problem now for sure!

Mrmojorisin posted 6/5/2008 01:07 AM

My STBXWW went out on a date with her POS OM tonight and took our 4 year old with her. She claimed she was apartment hunting. How fucking stupid does she think I am? Apartment hunting from 6-11pm...

ittybittya posted 6/9/2008 15:55 PM

I think the biggest issue that I have had to conquer throughout this ordeal has been abandonment.

Is there anyone else that feels this way as well?

I got little remorse from my XH and altho I KNOW I'm much better off without him and his treatment......the abandonment has left a mark.

Anyone else?

SerJR posted 6/10/2008 08:27 AM


I think most would agree with that. It's not so much the affair, but how disposable you feel to someone that you loved so much that really hurts - even when you look back and realise that you may have been mistreated the entire time. Looking back with a rational mind it is easy to see - but it is so hard to give up on something that you believed in and was a part of you. Regardless... the facts remain the facts and everything else is just perception. All we can do to move forward is to look ahead.

ittybittya posted 6/10/2008 14:28 PM

Yes I suppose it is that simple, SerJR.

lilliolly posted 6/10/2008 19:35 PM

my husband left me for the OP 5 weeks ago after i found out about their affair, at first things were ok we were civilised and got on for the sake of the kids.
It has now all blown up, i saw him out with his OW and anger grew in me, i got in touch with his Ow ex boyfriend and told him everything, he knew about the affair but didn't know who it was. we emailed some nasty things about our w's. i regret it now because husband has read all the emails. things have turned nasty, he now only wants to see his kids everyother weekend (there 4 and 1) how can i get back on his good side, i have apologised. also why's he taking it out on the kids

SerJR posted 6/10/2008 19:42 PM

Lilly... communicating with these people... it just doesn't work well. Whatever you say they will use it for justification...

-If you argue with them they'll get angry and use that as ammunition...

-If you try to apologise and be supernice they'll push your boundaries and use that as ammunition...

-If you engage them in a normal conversation they will pick up on irrational details and use that as ammunition...

Are you seeing the pattern?

The best thing you can do is to treat this as a business deal and be cool and collected with a neutral tone - you can still assert yourself with this tone but it is a quieter, more powerful way. Limit the conversation only to pertinent childcare issues.

This will help you to detach and limit the opportunities for him attack you. This is a new relationship that he has with you and he will have to learn to respect that.

tigerlilly posted 6/14/2008 10:55 AM

Feeling kind of yukky today. Both my X and the OW are teachers and I feel yukky about the thought of them doing so much w/ the kids over the summer. I guess I am healing though, because this time last year, it MADE ME CRAZY to think about them together, being all 'romantic.' This year I could care less, I just wish it didn't involve the kids.

[This message edited by tigerlilly at 1:13 PM, June 14th (Saturday)]

woundedby2 posted 6/15/2008 09:43 AM

I think most would agree with that. It's not so much the affair, but how disposable you feel to someone that you loved so much that really hurts - even when you look back and realise that you may have been mistreated the entire time. Looking back with a rational mind it is easy to see - but it is so hard to give up on something that you believed in and was a part of you. Regardless... the facts remain the facts and everything else is just perception. All we can do to move forward is to look ahead.

Thank you for these words. We were committed to our marriages despite everything that was bad. We had our mission in life, we remained focused on that. We are people of integrity. We deserve so much more. I hope we will all find our happiness. We will, won't we?

SerJR posted 6/16/2008 08:58 AM


Will we find our happiness? That depends entirely on the person and how they define it and how much they are willing to work on themselves to find it. The following is a list of how to move forward onto a healthier, more emotionally balanced you:

1) Master your thoughts.

Ultimately, you determine what thoughts you give attention to and those thoughts will set into motion the dynamics that will affect you. If you tend to focus on the negative you increase the probability that you will become your own worst enemy. It is important to realise how your thoughts create your expectations of the future. By increasing your positive focus you will increase the chances of bringing in positive energy to your life. This does not mean that you’re being unrealistic or naive. It simply means that you are choosing to focus your thoughts and energy on success instead of failure and on the good parts of your life instead of the bad. You want to cultivate the thoughts that you want to have through positive affirmation.

2) Adjust your attitude.

Our attitudes determine our thoughts which translate into intentions which leads to actions. We can be very realistic about the challenges we face, but still form the inner resolve to focus on our belief that we can overcome obstacles and bounce back from adversity. To do so takes belief and patience with ourselves, sustained motivation and energy, accepting our personal responsibility, and willingness to perservere. If your attitude is peaceful and positive then you are in the best position to have the focus and energy available to find solutions. Grace under pressure displays your courage and fortitude even when you are fearful and anxious.

3) Practice acceptance.

Acceptance is something to do for yourself when you are ready to let go of the anger. When we can't accept the situation, we have less energy to spend on the present because we are holding on to bitterness about the past. Acceptance does not mean condoning what has been done or passively enduring mistreatment. It means that you are ready to move forward unencumbered by bitterness or anger.

4) Look for the lesson.

Experiences can lead us to new growth, understanding, and maturity. It is important for us to examine and redefine these experiences to be able to discover and access our hidden strengths and resources that we didn't know we have and learn about ourselves.

5) Continue to nurture yourself.

Make a commitment to continue to nurture yourself so that your energy and vitality will remain high. You are not being selfish to honour your needs, but are providing new growth and fresh perspective.

6) Examine your character.

As humans we all have strengths and weaknesses. It is important to be able to do an honest self appraisal so that we can be real about ourselves. We are all responsible for our character, qualities, and actions and for the effects that they have. As conscious beings, we are also able to acquire those qualities that we desire and it is up to us to use them beneficiently.

It's important to point out that many of the BS's in this thread have shown a tremendous capacity for resolve. That ability to perservere and boldly trudge through the dark and difficult times will carry us past that into a bright future. We never wished for any of this to happen, but that is not for us to decide. All that we can decide is what to do with the time that has be given to us.

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