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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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Eumenides posted 6/17/2008 15:02 PM

I have found that I have changed greatly since XH left. True, I was the one who physically packed his things and threw them on the lawn. I was the one who made the final push. But he was the one who had already separated himself from us in every way possible. Once he was out, the one place he went was the home of his OW. He wanted to sit on the fence and eat cake, treating DD and me like dirt all the while. I kicked myself for months for throwing him out, blaming myself.

But then, I realized that what I did was right. When I talk to him now (I wish I could cut him out of my life entirely), that fact is re-established over and over. He's a wreck. Oh yes, I packed his things, but the abandonment happened even when he was still physically present.

I remember crying at night, begging God to fix things. Praying that it would be okay, that I would get my marriage back. I prayed for change. Now when I look back, there *is* change. But it wasn't with XH, it was with me.

I'm poor as a church mouse now. Currently looking for a job and biting my nails constantly about how the bills will be paid and food put on the table. But I am *happy*. I used to cling to possessions and feel like if I didn't have the familiar with me, I would just die.

Lately I have been systematically going through my house. I'm purging about 2/3 of my things, because I flatly don't need them or want them anymore. When XH was here, I had to have things to try and feel happy. Now I feel as though I could take off down the road with kiddo, the car, and two gym bags and it would be more than enough.

Losing my marriage, being disillusioned seems to have severed my ties. I find that my sense of "place" has been altered. And it's really strange.

Anyone else here experienced that?

ktshadow posted 6/19/2008 18:49 PM

I have posted here once or twice, but have found this site incredible in dealing with the pain of this situation. I have made some big decisions about how I want to handle things for the sake of my son. I am meeting the OW tomorrow for lunch after a lengthy conversation preceding her introduction to my son. I have not talked to her very much about her relationship with my ex, but I feel that it is important for me to develop a rapport with her if she is going to be in my son's life. After talking to her, I can see myself in the early stages of the relationship with my ex...seeing what I needed to see and not the data to support that he was capable of all of this chaos. I have decided that if I handle myself with grace and dignity, I will feel better about myself and in the end, my son will benefit from what I am doing. There must be something about her that attracted my ex to her, so maybe we can even be friends. There can never be enough people in my son't life that love him. I am not claiming that this is easy for me, but for me, it's better than the alternative...feeling like the victim, wondering what she has that I don't have, separating myself further and isolating myself more from them which in turn makes a conflictual situation for my son. I am trying to be enlightened by this whole experience. Everything happens for a reason, might as well make the best of it.

lonelynlost posted 7/6/2008 00:16 AM


Very insightful and good for you to be looking at the situation the way you are looking at it.

Us BS are usually so hurt that all we want is for the WS to feel our pain.

Take care,


SerJR posted 7/9/2008 17:38 PM

Us BS are usually so hurt that all we want is for the WS to feel our pain.

An interesting point, but I think that if, *in many cases*, we dig down deeper we'll find that we truly aren't this callous. I believe that this compulsion to want them to suffer is the manifestation of unresolved feelings of abandonment.

I think that truly, the hardest thing to deal with is the total invalidation of what we had. They have, in effect through leaving us, made the statement that the marriage held little worth to them and was easily replaceable. This is the very same marriage that we held dear, trusted, and believed in. Because it held so much importance to us we bear the pain. I think that we want them to feel the pain and suffering because it is the most visible manifestation of our being told the marriage, which we all defined ourselves through, so therefore ourselves, are worthless.

In other words, we want them to feel pain for leaving to know that we did mean something, just as we feel that pain because the marriage had worth to us.

Unfortunately, if we hold onto that, it will encumber us from moving forward as they sometimes are incapable of ever taking responsibility and facing themselves.

Facade posted 7/9/2008 17:49 PM

I think SerJr is absolutely right on this one.

I've known STBX for 25 years. He's known his OM for less than one.

I find myself wondering if he'll miss having someone to talk to about all that know, Remember when ___ happened in 5th grade? Remember that crazy thing that happened at your brother's wedding? Remember so-and-so from college? Remember when we went to (wherever) in 1995? And so on.

I wonder if he's going to miss it because I miss it. And it doesn't make any difference to me that he went for OM because he's a man and I'm not. It hurts because he left ME.

Like SerJr says, we still have to move on, regardless.

after25years posted 7/10/2008 19:10 PM

I have to agree with SerJR: I want my STBXW to feel even a little bit of what I've gone through.

Married 25 years, but over the last 2 I cold feel my W grow distant, and even asked her specifically about the house-husband a few doors away-she denied all involvement until I found proof (text messages between them) at which point it was too late as her mind was made up that they are soulmates. She had no desire to even try to salvage our M.

I am bitter, angry, hurt, etc. All the expected emotions. But since I found SI I have found a lot of inspiration and strength, and every day seems a little bit better. But inside I still hope she feels even a fraction of what she has put me through.

SerJR posted 7/10/2008 19:19 PM

Hi after25 - Welcome here

Please read through the Healing Library and post as often as you need - we're here to help each other. I'm glad that you're finding your way to move forward - keep focusing on taking care of yourself and it will get better.

after25years posted 7/10/2008 21:08 PM

Interesting-I was reading the about no contact with the WS in the healing library when my WW called for the 4th time today. I let it go to voicemail. OK, it was about something that happened at the house (my old home) involving the kids, but she had spoke to me earlier about it, and I had already addressed with the them.

Over the last 2-3 days she has called a lot more then the previous 4 weeks since I moved out. Is she missing me, is it coincidence, just a random occurrance? It doesn't matter I guess right now. I feel that it's time for me to control these contacts from her; hearing her voice on the phone talking about everyday things like her job and such just tear me up. It's like she is totally ignoring how it makes me feel. Either that, or she's just so self absorbed that she is oblivious to it.

But the important thing is that I now know that I have some control if I choose to talk to her or not.

The 180 list is also extemely helpful.

It feels that progess is being made in finding out who I am in preperation for a life possibly without her.

SerJR posted 7/11/2008 12:23 PM


She justs wants to feel that she is still the most important thing in your life. Affairs are all about ego-stroking and validation and likely, and most often it doesn't stop once they leave. They can't seem to reconcile that this is a new relationship - not the old one minus the romantic perks.

It can be terribly confusing when we catch glimpses of the person we knew. However, if they were truly remorseful you would know it and would have no questions.

I commend you after25 - you've made great strides thus far.

after25years posted 7/11/2008 20:13 PM

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I've endured the death of a parent, and long time best friend, and those were difficult things to heal from. What makes this worse is that my WW chose her actions that have no logical outcome other than what's happening now. And while I'm lonely and miss companionship as well as intimacy (which she gets all of these fulfilled with the OM), I know these feelings are REAL, which is better than the lies I've lived through. The truth may be unpleasant but at least I know where I stand, and can decide how I deal with it.

It's better to have bad truth than happy lies.

survivedit posted 8/8/2008 07:43 AM

(raises hand). I left him because, even though it was an "open relationship" (one where he was breaking all the rules), I couldn't deal with him being "in love" with the newest OW, young enough to be his daughter, 11 years my junior, and 3 dress-sizes smaller.

She and I were always nice to each other, but it still made me feel really jealous, rejected, ugly, and sad when he broke dates with me, lied about it, and I found out later that he'd been with her.

When I left him, he seemed pretty relieved and told me that he "just needed his freedom right now". But shortly thereafter, the "recently seperated" status of his profile was changed to "in love!" - with her, of course. Wasn't surprised, but I was really angry, confused, and

I never really blamed her, because she was really young, and pretty naive at the time. I did blame him - he should have known better than to fool around with someone's feelings like that and not expect it to turn out badly.

Fast-forward: after 6 months of their unobstructed "in love" together time, I see him treating her like GARBAGE at a party. I feel sorry for her, and despise him more than ever. Shortly after the party, his profile status is back to "recently seperated".

hah hah

anyway, OW and I are on more friendly terms now - both of us have absolutely refused contact with our common horrible ex... we share our sides of the stories with each other and support each other emotionally.

So it did turn out ok, though it could have been much worse, if she hadn't been a decent person.

wannabenormal posted 11/13/2008 10:44 AM

I've been left - for OP, but she lives in another state. So I guess I was left so he could continue the relationship with her. He even told me he fully intends to still drive 250 miles to see her and vice versa on their every other free weekends.

His family doesn't yet know about her b/c, from what I can tell, he plans to 'hide out' until we're actually divorced and then he can intro her legitimately. But I plan to tell them before that happens.

This is hard for me because of her living so far away and even though they've been involved for the better part of a year, they're still in the honeymoon stage. They don't do real life together - they aren't even planning to move in together (not now anyway, apparently her custody won't allow for that, we're in the process of getting our stuff worked out - maybe he'll want to move. I don't know).

Anyway, I'm kind of on here venting b/c I was just ditched for the 'better' one and it's so painful. It's almost worse in a way that they're not shacked up in the same place right now, LIVING the dream - they still get to carry on their 'normal' lives, but live the fantasy every other weekend. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm in crap land actually doing all the REAL LIFE stuff for kids & I like 24/7.

Sorry - just bitching.

[This message edited by wannabenormal at 11:12 AM, November 13th (Thursday)]

ThriveNotSurvive posted 12/26/2008 13:38 PM

I guess I belong here. She will be moving here in a few weeks and I'm sure he will move in with her. He's in the spare bedroom right now.

Technically I left him. He was still trying to decide. I guess the D is my fault because I wasn't able to "think outside the box" to find a solution to make everyone happy. He was willing to set me up with a nice place and pay all my bills so he could keep DS close, and she was even willing to move her and OC in with us so we could share him!

Something must seriously be wrong with me if I chose to pass up those opportunities.

Numb and Angry posted 12/27/2008 10:43 AM

Oh, ThriveNotSurvive, I hope that's sarcasm in your post. This is not all your fault, it's your WS's warped sense of entitlement to continue to have his cake and eat it too.

After D-day, WS offered to keep supporting me and the kids if I agreed to be "a subservient wife and serve him". We're not a religious family, that merely meant he wanted to keep having sex with me and have our perfect looking little family life while getting to have his exciting life with her, too. I laughed in his face. The kids and I went on with our lives as much as we could without him and the week before Christmas, he pillaged our house and went to live with OW. (I have no idea on what terms she left things with her husband.)

While I am in the worst financial situation of my entire life, there's a kind of peace around here now. My kids are happier without all the stress and I am more calm, too. We really are better off without the self-centered, angry jerk stomping around swearing at us for the slightest noise or mess. And I know I'm better off not having to wonder if he's pretending to be here with me while he's off with her. Now she can have him and all the reality she hasn;t had to deal with before. Let's see how she likes WS's snoring, sleep apnea, hypochondria, poor hygiene and complete inability to pick up after himself. Have at it, OW.

[This message edited by Numb and Angry at 10:45 AM, December 27th (Saturday)]

betterdaysahead posted 12/27/2008 11:06 AM

I don't know why, but after two and a half years it has started to "hit" me recently.

I know he moved in with OW right after he left me...he moved from here to there...

I was so busy getting my life in order...taking care of my son and legal matters and selling the house and taking care of me....

I am just now coming to terms with the absolute horrible betrayal of him simply leaving us and moving in with OW after 25 years...and the way they did it....

They schemed for 7 months to see how they could do it and come out financially "on top" and take advantage of both of their BS.

My stbxh actually didn't tell my son and I where he was living for 3 weeks. I lived with the trickle truth...I didn't know there was a name for that.

He would give me little a riddle or a puzzle to put together. He said he'd let me know by the end of 3 weeks where he was...and that I'd just have to wait.

It was cruel. It was torture for both my son and I.

We were NOT to call his family or friends or his cell phone. He would call us in the am and check up on us. That was it.

I hate him more and more each day.

And I saw him yesterday in the Walmart parking lot holding hands with son saw him too, but neither of us acknowledged it.

We just kept driving and went home.

They carry on with their lives like we are supposed to "suck it up".

That was how it was since day 1.

I've gone on with my life.

I really want him to pay...I want some sort of justice. We are going through the divorce from hell. Maybe now that we are at the point we can go in front of a judge I will see some justice...

He has gotten away with so much. The rules never apply to him.

I could go on and on, but it's just a vent....sorry.

ThriveNotSurvive posted 12/27/2008 11:29 AM

Numb, yes, sarcasm seems to be my only form of talking or writing right now.

Hearing their options just made it so clear to me that I needed to get out. I love my H and I wish with everything I have that my DS could have a loving 2 parent family, but I refuse to give myself up for that. I know my worth even if he doesnt.

Betterdays, I hope you get some closure when the D is finalized. I'm so sorry we are all dealing with this.

SerJR posted 12/30/2008 13:08 PM


Both you and your stbxH will get the same thing out of this fundamentally. For you it will be your biggest gift to yourself. For him it will be the cruelest punishment...

You get to live with yourself. He has to live with himself.

doublesmom posted 12/30/2008 13:17 PM

Waving hand

He left us for OP. I read and read that most men don't leave for the OP, I was mortified, wondered what I had done wrong. Three days after he left he told me that they had been together a couple of times and it was for nothing more than companionship, so that means he either had a f*ckfest for three days OR he slept with her before leaving me, which he swears he didn't cause "he wouldn't do that to me"

I told him he had companionship and LOVE at home and he said "I supposed I did"

I am bitter, hurt, pissed off, you name it. I want him and her to feel what this hell is like. I want him to go to jail for his voyeurism and I want her to have to know what its like to have your life as you know it ripped apart because of one selfish asshole who cares only about the piece of shit he sees in the mirror.

TooAloof posted 1/2/2009 15:47 PM

Hi, I guess I belong here...

My WH left me for 3 months in 2007 and moved in with his Ho, but then came back when he realized his mistake... Then went right on having the affair with her. I allowed way too much contact (they worked together) I never stood my ground.

I finally got definitive proof in July 08 that they were still sleeping together, and began World War III with him that night.

To outsiders, I guess it looks like he "left me" for her, but Really, I pushed him out, asked for a separation, divorce, etc... But the only reason I did that, was because HE WOULDN'T GIVE HER UP.

So, stalemate, I guess.

It felt awful and humiliating. Then I started seeing someone, and that helped tremendously. Really, really helped. It got my mind off the horrible situation, and has bolstered my ego like you would not believe... I'm not saying that you need to find a replacement asap if your spouse dumps you, but for me it was a lifesaver.

And, this guy thinks he's the luckiest man alive. Tells me I'm beautiful and special and that he loves me all the time.

Really really loves me...

I still feel like a failure when it comes to my marriage, but I am feeling better and better every single day,


ReGenerate posted 1/4/2009 10:35 AM

My WS left me for OP. My predictions - WS will be in serious debt in 3 - 6 months. OP will be disillusioned with WS in about the same amount of time, as WS has children with me and CS will take a good bite out of his paycheck. With the economy sucking, I am slashing the household budget (have been for some time, which WS resented while we were together) and I am belt tightening like crazy. Me and kids will be OK. WS is spending like new life with OP is huge vacation!!! OP is not fully aware of financial arrangements and is not a big earner, and will soon realize WS is being supported by much much younger OP...

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