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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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tnt60 posted 4/9/2007 09:15 AM

Right now I feel like I can't fully move on until my X has suffered some sort of mental breakdown. We have only been S for about 5 weeks, so I hoping this feeling is natural and it would go away over time. The funny thing is I don't love or miss my X. I just want him to be in some kind of agony. I want him to realize the mistake he made for giving up his marriage for some relationship that he had only been in for about 2 months. My therapist did tell me that more than likely that will happened but he could have just been telling me anything to help me move on. Please tell me that you guys have had similar thoughts.

32years2day posted 4/9/2007 09:37 AM

TNT -right or wrong Im with you on this one.

I emptied him 6 weeks ago and hadn't spoken to or seen him since.However he arrived on Friday to tell me he was miserable where he is etc and I"M GLAD.
However this could be more lies as he followed it up by asking if I could give him money when his bankruptcy is up.
Bottom line this barfly thought she'd got a man of means because he likes to brag about what he's got-a home here and a holiday home in Spain but forgets everything is in my name.So she now knows obviously and has got a performing alcoholic,that owns nothing as her PRIZE.That thought makes me happy too and if that makes me a bad person then so be it.

tnt60 posted 4/9/2007 09:52 AM

I can't wait for my X OP to find out just how bad my X is at having or keeping money. The OP STBX is well off, and they ran in a pretty elite group. The OP is really taking a step down with my X in regards to this. My X is now trying to start his own business so he can keep up. He doesn't realize that starting a new business takes time to start making any money. I know its wrong of me to think or say but I hope this business goes belly up before it even gets off the ground That will teach him.

wherefromhere posted 4/9/2007 19:08 PM

Sad to say but I'm included in this one too.

He left me for her, he thinks she is a wonderful person and I'm this evil, mean, bitch who made his life miserable for years.

Nouveau - thanks for that link to the article "When a man leaves a woman". It is exactly what my WS is doing.

sweet_agony posted 4/10/2007 13:34 PM

My Xbp false reconciliation with me for 3 months, then he decided he had to have OW...spent a few nights with her...the same old stuff...I had enough of that crap, so I went to her house and wrote her a letter full of info he said about their sex life...boy did that cause her to scream and throw a fit full of dramatics and hyperventilatting and how terrible a person I am...

He has NC with me since then, never that with her...but I heard they are not working out, and are not together, but who knows. Time will tell.

starlight posted 4/10/2007 15:24 PM

Well, I don't know why I didn't see this sooner, but I belong to this club also.

Nouveau-thanks again for the link, that is such a great article and so true!

Dreamboat posted 4/10/2007 17:18 PM


I actually wonder if he set himself up to get caught.

I believe my X wanted to get caught. I mean, they were in my guest room. They heard me in the bathroom, just as I heard them in the bedroom. I did not go in immediately -- I was so freaked out I sat on the steps for a good 10 minutes trying to get ahold of myself, waiting for him to come out so I could confront him. But finally I walked in and there they were in all their naked glory

He may have been hoping that I would hop into bed with them and join their little party.

I don't know what he was thinking. He was dead drunk. she was sober. I don't know how many times he has said soething along the line of "If only I wasn't so drunk, I wouldn't have gone into her room." But he left me anyway. I know he wanted to go into her room. I just don't know how many times he did that before I caught them.

Hmm, this was a little ventish. I hope it's ok with the mods. If not, I will edit.

mer1ins posted 4/10/2007 18:43 PM

I kicked my WH out on 8/2/2006 and he moved in with the OW the same night. They both got a really good deal. None of WH's four kids will have anything to do with him and WH, OW and OW's alcoholic brother are sharing a mobile home in the armpit of BFE.

lra90 posted 4/10/2007 18:52 PM

Yesterday, my sister and I were talking about how good my EWH has it.

He lives with his parents so his mom cooks for him, does his laundry-including ironing his work clothes, makes his bed, cleans up after him.
He's able to come and go as he pleases.

He sees HER when he wants and she cooks for him, does his laundry when he stays over, cleans up after him, makes his bed.

He has no kid worries at either place.

I told my sister I wanted to go live with his parents.

Still_Lost posted 4/10/2007 19:40 PM

I belong here, too. They moved in together sometime in January.

I don't want to reconcile but it still hurts. I'm still waiting for the karma bus It's not suppose to last. Why is it still going on?

roadlesstraveled posted 4/11/2007 03:20 AM

I'm in this fun club too

My WS abandoned me over here in France 5 months ago...he just up an left, telling me he didn't know who he was or what he wanted out of life.
After he left, he basically cut off all contact with me. We have been together 10 years and married for almost 3.

I discovered the A on accident by finding emails stored on my computer. Those emails told me everything I never wanted to know. WS is now living with his mom (he's 28) and continuing his relationship with OW. She was a former co-worker (of course). She is 10 years younger than me, has a baby, and just divorced her husband to be with mine.

It was hard enough to deal with his sudden leaving and being out of the country for the year (he really did run away!)..but dealing with the knowledge of the A and lies/deceit/betrayal has been especially hard.
It's good to have this board and the support of everyone going through the same awful thing.

One thing I have been struggling with is the fact that in most of the books I have read on infidelity the authors don't spend much time talking about marriages where the WS leaves for the OP. The books mostly focus on reconciliation and how to survive in your marriage after the affair. This was never even an option for me. Has anyone out there found a good resource that specifically addresses our situation?? What if the WS leaves and has no intention of working on the marriage?
Just curious if anyone has found any good info on this topic. Apparently, it is especially rare for men to leave their marriage for an OP..but it doesn't seem that rare to me in reading all the stories here on SI!!

runaway posted 4/11/2007 05:01 AM

Thanks mods for this.

I'm in the club too - and been finding it hard to find stuff about how to get it back together when H just up and leaves (on d-day) for the OW.

She was married too. They now live wonderful life together with several large houses at their disposal, cushy double-income lifestyle (she's a divorce lawyer) and take my little girls every other weekend, playing happy families.

I find it hard not to feel replaced - especially when that is exactly what happened. He even told the children as much as pretends OW is their mum when they are out.

But then - like others said before - it is all my fault - I am evil bitch and he was unhappy the entire marriage etc. Just wish he'd bothered to mention it before (while looking at a new house the week before d-day even would have done?!)

Anyway - there's no point venting anymore - I just want to learn how to move on.

Big hugs to everyone here.

luv2swim posted 4/11/2007 12:16 PM

"One thing I have been struggling with is the fact that in most of the books I have read on infidelity the authors don't spend much time talking about marriages where the WS leaves for the OP. The books mostly focus on reconciliation and how to survive in your marriage after the affair. This was never even an option for me. Has anyone out there found a good resource that specifically addresses our situation?? What if the WS leaves and has no intention of working on the marriage?
Just curious if anyone has found any good info on this topic. Apparently, it is especially rare for men to leave their marriage for an OP..but it doesn't seem that rare to me in reading all the stories here on SI!!"

I too would like recommendations for resources. Most of my readings have focused upon attempts to heal this sense of rejection that is (was) so huge in me. I find Pema Chondron's writing of some help. She is an American women who (from my understanding) had a husband leave a long marriage. That event sent her on a path of seeking truth, and she turned to Buddhism. She is a Buddhist nun, and writes extremely well about compassion and forgiveness. About detaching basically.

I have also found Byron Katie's writing of huge value. Her approach is about "Loving What Is", and an awareness that we humans tend to tell ourselves "stories" about the other person. eg what they are thinking, what their actions mean, etc. She also points out that who our spouses left is only the person THEIR thinking believes us to be. I know my husband has recently told me how awful I am, how I will do such and such and be such and such. I do not recognize this women he is describing. I know it is not me. Yet he tells me this is who I am for him. The Byron Katie work has allowed me to listen to him as if he is telling me I have green skin and bright purple hair (which I do not), and know this is who he needs me to be right now, perhaps to justify to himself his actions.

There is a book that was popular in England a while back titled Revenge of the Middle Aged Women. It is fiction... a nice read for women whose H's depart for OW. The book "The Script" pretty much details what my H is doing. Right down to predict some of his speeches. Leads me to believe there are very few original "plays" humans live out. The scene changes, the actors change, small details shift... but basically, middle aged men in (fill in the blank of discord and crisis), will opt for one of several scenarios. Leaving a marriage for OW is just one of them. Maybe a most painful one for BS in short term. Maybe most painful for WS in long term?

I'll post more titles when I get time.

Candlemaker posted 4/11/2007 12:27 PM

I'm here. The hardest part for me is not that he gave me up for a new model, but that he gave his children and grandchildren up. He has no relationship with my youngest daughter and her daughter at all (and guess what he's found a way to make that MY fault in his pea brain) and a minimal relationshop with my oldest daughter and her son. Both are related to the fact he's attached to OW at the hip and the girls refuse to meet her of have their children around her, yet he denies he's choosing her over them.

BTW, this woman that is worth giving your whole family up for is such a paragon of virtue that the first thing new hires hear about is how many of the other coworkers she's done in the bathroom.

roadlesstraveled posted 4/11/2007 13:23 PM


Thank you so much for the recommendations on books and authors..I will look into them ASAP

A book I have found that has helped me (although it isn't about affairs/infidelity per se, but about the ending of relationships) is
"Uncoupling" by Diane Vaughan. She really explains the dynamics of the ending of relationships and gives both the leavers and leavees point of view.

roadlesstraveled posted 4/11/2007 13:37 PM

Here is a short selection from "Not Just Friends" that deals with this topic:

"Sometimes unfaithful partners choose to leave for their lovers. They use the revelation of the affair as a springboard to leave the marriage. Once the story breaks, they're gone. They often cover up their real intention, which is to pursue the affair, by giving lame excuses such as "I need some space right now" or "This isn't about you, it's about me". (I HEARD BOTH OF THESE!!!)

Betrayed partners who are left behind are often ready to forgive and work through the problems but have no say in the matter. They were powerless to stop the affair, and they end up being powerless to preserve the marriage. Many are abandoned against their wishes and against their values. They may consider divorce unacceptable and be horrified at the thought of their children being raised without two parents at home. They have to live with the reality that they failed to keep their family together, despite how desperately they tried.

Being left peremptorily and prematurely can leave the betrayed partner with a number of unresolved issues. Psychologically, one of the greatest difficulties is the lack of closure. If the unfaithful partner left early in the aftermath of the affair, the betrayed partner may never know the whole story of what happened. The crucial steps of recovery- getting the facts, searching for meaning- are never completed.

The one who is left must formulate the story alone, without the input of the central character in the drama. It's like trying to build a building without ever having seen a blueprint.

Some betrayed partners say that it would have been easier if their unfaithful spouse had died. What they mean is that enduring that loss would have been easier than enduring the betrayal.
They feel this way even if the unfaithful spouse is remorseful and are committed to stay and rebuild the marriage.

Think about what it's like for those who are both betrayed and abandoned. They lose both their relationship AND any conviction that their partner once loved them and cared about them."

Jynx posted 4/11/2007 20:20 PM

Yup, my WH left me right after I confronted him about his affair. Hasn't filed for D yet but is at all sorts of places with her....what a schmuck!

[This message edited by Jynx at 8:20 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

Hurt4Ever posted 4/11/2007 21:58 PM

Count me in. My XH left me on Mother's Day. Exactly one week later, the OW left her H and moved in with mine. Our first wedding anniversary apart (28 years...and yes, we were still married), my friend saw them at the mall picking out wedding rings. They are now living happily everafter. I hope they're so happy they choke.

luv2swim posted 4/12/2007 03:44 AM

thanks for posting the out take from S. Glass. Her book NOT JUST FRIENDS helped me to understand my own reactions (a few straws short of certifiably nutso for many months), were the norm. Especially under the circumstances.

Now... 6 months beyond the crazy stage, I have a whole different take on all that is happening.

I now feel my WH is very confused. Any human that can profess to love me as he did (does still at times), and treat me with such disrespect, is not well. Certainly no human would bring such pain into another, especially spouse/mother of their children, unless there is incredible pain and hurt in themselves.

Recognizing this as true leaves me with compassion for WH. I am the blessed one celebrating everyday with our teenage boys. I am able to watch as they do their unfolding into the most wonderful of young men. I am the one who gets to laugh with these boys, celebrate with them, and enrich my life with their presence.

I am the one who snuggles with our dogs and is loved by them, as only Golden Retrievers can. I am the one who lives here still... in such a wonderful home we built with love for US. Yeah, sure, I need to put in heaps of work in order to fix the place up and sell it. But I am here. Enjoying it. He is in a rental with OW (sounds like a nice rental and all... but our place here is nicer!). I am the one who continues to have the respect of long time friends (as long as I promise to never say I still love WH around them!). While WH has lost these friends.
I am the one who can look in the mirror everyday and know I did not betray, I did not lie, I kept my own vows, did my work, and really, truly, most wonderfully had an incredible marriage for nearly 2 decades.

My poor wayward H... he was the one in an awful marriage (apparently), living an awful life of sacrifice (he says), hurting because awful always happens to him (he says). I dunno... seemed like a mostly blessed life. He used to think so too.

I figure midlife depression is an ugly time. I feel sorry for WH... he had a wife who would have stayed for better or worse. He had a wife who loved him pretty much no matter what. I notice his OW has a tendency for betrayal, and leaving. Time will tell.

[This message edited by luv2swim at 3:48 AM, April 12th (Thursday)]

tnt60 posted 4/12/2007 09:18 AM

I'm with you luv2swim. My STBX is in some kind of depression, so it saddens me to see him acting so out of character. He's looking for something to take away the pain.

I just saw a new therapist yesterday. I have a really good feeling about her. Unlike the 2 male (not bashing) therapist I had, she really listens and picks up on what I'm saying. Her opinion on my EX is that he is hurting from so inner pain but instead of working through that he choose to pick the easy road by running from one woman to the next. The man has been 'in love' with 3 different woman in the last 12 months. Thats sad.

The good news for me is that I now realize why I'm taking this rejection so hard, now I just have to work on letting go of past resentments and rejections that I've been holding onto for years. Thats going to be the hard part. Anytime something bothered me, I would just bury it and try to forget about it. This has been my pattern of behavior since I was a kid. Its going to be great learning how to release this baggage.

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