Mine tells everyone how much he misses his son (but not me!!).
My dday was in August, 2006 and my XH and I went to MC for three months, but it was very clear that he was still in contact with her. I told him I was filing for divorce, and as soon as the words were out, he left and went to be with her-the day before our 21st wedding anniversary.
I could never find the exact word to describe what I felt, but as I was reading through all the previous posts, I found the word-abandonment. 21 years of married life invalidated because of his abandonment.
Interestingly, I got a phone call the other night from my XH-he thought I had called him and so was "returning" the call. Umm, no. So, we chatted for a little bit, caught up on news about our college aged kids who just went back to school. As I hung up, I was kind of relieved that I could talk to him without such intense anger and resentment. I felt like I was making progress.
Two days later, I heard from a colleague that he's not very happy with the OW and he made a big mistake. He regrets what he's done.
It's like a scab that's been ripped open again. I feel raw again.
[This message edited by foxglove at 7:50 PM, January 15th (Thursday)]
My daughters 21 and 24 still live at home and they are FURIOUS with him. The MC tried to suggest he move back home to help our financial and heal the kids but they might kill him in his sleep so it's probably not a great idea.
I will be moving from Alaska to Texas to take care of his elderly parents, late this summer. It may not be a permanent move, I have no way to know...
Reconciliation doesn't really look too likely- but omg, I cannot imagine going the rest of my life without being loved and held and (woohoo) sex. It's been bad enough that he hadn't touched me since July with any intention other than a friendly hug.
So I'm on a financial knife edge, an emotional battlefield (daughter's feelings toward him) and sexually frustrated. Adolescence had NOTHING over on THIS!
Maybe its selfish but it hurt even more to know that if it wasn't for the kids he would have left months before that. Maybe even before he met the OW.
1. You are entitled to set some limits. Keep clarifying the limits, but but keep some flexibility with the consequences for yourself. Try something like "This is extremely difficult for me. I refuse to share you with another person. I know it is difficult for you, but, at some point I will have to think of myself ahead of this current situation."
2. Get at the specific issues. Ask, "What does it mean to get it out of your system?" or "What do you need to get it out of your system?" If this opens a constructive dialogue this may be a good sign. If she's reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions. "Is he controlling you?" or "Does it feel good to be wanted by two people?" Allow your voice to trail at the end and say it calmly and self assuredly. This may open the door for discussion. Keep asking questions - dig deep. Keep asking "what do you mean by that?" and see where it leads.
Define your boundaries and stand up for them.
[This message edited by SerJR at 12:34 PM, January 31st (Saturday)]
They have already broken up once (she already doesn't trust him because she thinks he's too flirty on FB and MySp, plus she has her kids and her fledgling internet business to think about before she even files for divorce.) At this point I don't know, nor do I really care if they're together. If they are, boy, did she catch a real winner.
His mother makes a big show about how "devastated" he is to have to leave his son, who he's talked to on the phone for 2 minutes one time (and only after I prompted him to) since he left. Yeah, I fail to see his devastation.
[This message edited by StoryHour at 12:17 PM, February 17th (Tuesday)]
What can you do? Value yourself over the fears you have. Put the focus on taking care of yourself (the 180 is great for this) and start rebuilding your self esteem independently. Take action. Consult a lawyer for informational purposes, open a separate bank account and deposit money in there, draft up a budget, cut him off emotionally, get involved in activities you enjoy, and get yourself prepared - it's just good business. These actions will also help you cope and develop independent strength by dealing effectively with the adversity you face. They may also have the effect of waking him up to the reality he is creating. Take over the wheel in your life... and you get to decide where you go.
Our young adult daughters are still very angry with him (one still lives with me), but I have asked them to lighten up... What will be- will be. He left ME, not them, but they can't help but feel the way they do.
It matters not to me whether his new relationship lives or dies.
I have already discovered a new life & a new SO, who was once in my shoes. He is a kind-hearted & loving man who always manages to bring me back to earth when my emotions start to simmer.
Maybe this was meant to be, I don't know. But what a painful way for fate to correct things!
I do know that even if this new relationship doesn't work out, I still would never go back to the STBXH. I have way too much respect for myself to ever accept a second rate person back into my life. Especially since I now know what being treated really special feels like!
When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!
One observation though, so often people tell me I have to just get over it. We have been divorced for almost 3 years. I've dated but haven't found anyone that I click with or that I could have a ltr with.
Do you think that when they leave for the op that it takes longer to move on?
To me I look at the op and think omg she is a skank, she is ugly fat and stupid. What does she have that I didn't?
I am still just having a really hard time with all of this. Am I the only one?
Just like you, I wonder what that borderline illiterate, non-working whore has that I didn't. Why he was so willing to make their relationship work and could give a damn about ours (we were together 15years)! Almost every day I beat myself up wondering why her and not me?
People who haven't been in our shoes don't understand how hard it is to "just move on".
I wish I had some words of encouragement for your but I don't. I'm where you are and I will unfortunately probably be this way for a very long time.
Guess we just have to keep faith that one day, we will finally move on....it just takes time.
I'm wondering if I fear getting to close only to lose it or if I'm not really welcome and never will be. Just a few things that tend to bother me. Its like it will never stop feeling like my boys and I got left.......left for what, we don't really now yet.
I'll be damned if I do that for such an a**hole.
[This message edited by Jade1964dream at 2:52 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)]
the answer has to be - she kisses the ground he walks on and she'll lower herself to make him feel needed.
Jade-I think you are right!
Iíll admit, she is 13yrs younger than I (and wxh) and toothpick thin (even after having 2 kids) and I am at the moment, the fat one. As far as looks, we are both average. Despite those differences, I think the biggest difference between us is that I work (have done so since 16) and have a really good job. I can take care of myself and my kids, Iím self sufficient. She doesnít work (hasnít in 3yrs), and when she did work (2005-2006), it was very minimal. She is on state assistance for her first kid (from another relationship), and based on the content of a letter she wrote to my ex in 2005, she is not very educated. She IS NEEDY. Hell, she and my wxh both live with her parents!
Now, I'll admit, she is more skilled in the bedroom than I which is I think part of why my ex is so in luuvvv with her but I think the biggest draw is the fact that she NEEDS him. Heís her ďsaviorĒ, heís her excuse to not grow the fuck up and actually work to get ahead in life.
I even think he likes the fact that she isnít working because, hell, he can control her. She canít make it without him or the damn state. I think my ex was looking for someone who would praise him non-stop no matter what he did/does.
Only thing I donít understand is why he is being so faithful to her (hopefully itís temporary as they are both confirmed cheaters)
In a way, itís actually kind of sad that my ex thinks so little of himself that he chose a needy little girl over his wife. He doesnít even realize, that I was with him because I loved him and wanted to be with him, not because I needed him. How can he not realize that he will never really know why the OW is with him. He will always wonder if itís for love or necessity. Ah, who am I kidding, he doesnít care as long as she continues to feed the hunger of his brokenness.