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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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ReGenerate posted 1/4/2009 20:19 PM

BTW, my WS has the worst breath in the world!!! I will surely check out teeth and breath when I recover enough to begin dating again.

ReGenerate posted 1/7/2009 19:49 PM

Intercepted an email from OP to my WS (WS will never know!) apparently things aren't heavenly in fantasy world. OP is pouting because WS is pulling away, suggesting WS should leave. WS will stay, has no where else to go and no money...

inknots posted 1/12/2009 15:18 PM

Man, my STBEX does not want anything to do with me. He only emails to take the temperature and to ask for things he needs. He is 180ing me and I am 180ing him (only he has no idea what that is) and he is holing up with that whore in our house. He even admitted I looked great the last time I saw him but he does not miss me one bit.
I feel even more rejected now!

ReGenerate posted 1/12/2009 17:49 PM


Mine tells everyone how much he misses his son (but not me!!).

foxglove posted 1/15/2009 19:47 PM

I've been on this site for a few months and only just found this part of SI. I finally found where I belong.

My dday was in August, 2006 and my XH and I went to MC for three months, but it was very clear that he was still in contact with her. I told him I was filing for divorce, and as soon as the words were out, he left and went to be with her-the day before our 21st wedding anniversary.

I could never find the exact word to describe what I felt, but as I was reading through all the previous posts, I found the word-abandonment. 21 years of married life invalidated because of his abandonment.

Interestingly, I got a phone call the other night from my XH-he thought I had called him and so was "returning" the call. Umm, no. So, we chatted for a little bit, caught up on news about our college aged kids who just went back to school. As I hung up, I was kind of relieved that I could talk to him without such intense anger and resentment. I felt like I was making progress.

Two days later, I heard from a colleague that he's not very happy with the OW and he made a big mistake. He regrets what he's done.

It's like a scab that's been ripped open again. I feel raw again.

[This message edited by foxglove at 7:50 PM, January 15th (Thursday)]

invictus posted 1/15/2009 20:26 PM

Mine moved in with OW on January 2nd 2009. He still comes over to our house to help out with stuff because the weather is extreme up here... but (shrug) I just don't know.

My daughters 21 and 24 still live at home and they are FURIOUS with him. The MC tried to suggest he move back home to help our financial and heal the kids but they might kill him in his sleep so it's probably not a great idea.

I will be moving from Alaska to Texas to take care of his elderly parents, late this summer. It may not be a permanent move, I have no way to know...

Reconciliation doesn't really look too likely- but omg, I cannot imagine going the rest of my life without being loved and held and (woohoo) sex. It's been bad enough that he hadn't touched me since July with any intention other than a friendly hug.

So I'm on a financial knife edge, an emotional battlefield (daughter's feelings toward him) and sexually frustrated. Adolescence had NOTHING over on THIS!

sleepysleeperson posted 1/21/2009 09:55 AM

My STBXH stayed two months after Dday. Not for me, but because he didn't want to hurt the kids.

Maybe its selfish but it hurt even more to know that if it wasn't for the kids he would have left months before that. Maybe even before he met the OW.

Moving On Up posted 1/23/2009 01:01 AM

I am not quite there yet. Dday2 10 days ago, she hasn't seen him for almost a year(falseR),but found out she had been in contact almost through the whole time. Last week she told me he was still in her head and that she was going to stop contact.Four days of waiting for her to figure out her way of stopping contact she told me she is going to see him in a couple of weeks.She loves me(yeah right) and kind of wants me too. She wanted me to keep it quiet"so that if she came back and it was over we could maybe start again, and that she would sweep me off my feet" Too much even for me. I left the house 4 nights ago and am going to file. Want to go NC with her, I did tell her clearly that 100 per cent if she goes then there will never be a chance with me again. She is still angry with me and still in contact with him. Cannot hang around to let this bus hit me. Any ideas from you guys further along this road. I have stated and mean it that if she wants me she must end it NC and really show me she wants me. This seems a bit open ended to me. Any ideas

SerJR posted 1/31/2009 12:33 PM

Moving On Up,

1. You are entitled to set some limits. Keep clarifying the limits, but but keep some flexibility with the consequences for yourself. Try something like "This is extremely difficult for me. I refuse to share you with another person. I know it is difficult for you, but, at some point I will have to think of myself ahead of this current situation."

2. Get at the specific issues. Ask, "What does it mean to get it out of your system?" or "What do you need to get it out of your system?" If this opens a constructive dialogue this may be a good sign. If she's reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions. "Is he controlling you?" or "Does it feel good to be wanted by two people?" Allow your voice to trail at the end and say it calmly and self assuredly. This may open the door for discussion. Keep asking questions - dig deep. Keep asking "what do you mean by that?" and see where it leads.

Define your boundaries and stand up for them.

[This message edited by SerJR at 12:34 PM, January 31st (Saturday)]

prty_1 posted 2/8/2009 20:29 PM

Mine's left me and the kids 10 days after DD. Now lives with her 15 minutes from my home.

StoryHour posted 2/17/2009 11:13 AM

STBXH claimed he was leaving anyway when I confronted him with the knowledge that I knew, but I have emails between him and MOW that confirm he moved his moving plans WAY on up.

They have already broken up once (she already doesn't trust him because she thinks he's too flirty on FB and MySp, plus she has her kids and her fledgling internet business to think about before she even files for divorce.) At this point I don't know, nor do I really care if they're together. If they are, boy, did she catch a real winner.

His mother makes a big show about how "devastated" he is to have to leave his son, who he's talked to on the phone for 2 minutes one time (and only after I prompted him to) since he left. Yeah, I fail to see his devastation.

[This message edited by StoryHour at 12:17 PM, February 17th (Tuesday)]

sofresh posted 2/19/2009 08:07 AM

I think I will be joining you soon.
He says he stopped loving me before her. He wants to we don't aregue, and so he can see her (I am sure).
I just can beleive this....I wish I could discover I don't love him.
I have a young baby...oh and that's he main reason for keeping touch with me (I am sure).
I know we are all there any comfort here?

SerJR posted 2/19/2009 20:47 PM

sofresh... hope is never gone. It is a gift that we create within ourselves. However, too much hope placed in the wrong place is the opposite of despair... it can overpower and consume you in the end. Create the hope in you... for you.

What can you do? Value yourself over the fears you have. Put the focus on taking care of yourself (the 180 is great for this) and start rebuilding your self esteem independently. Take action. Consult a lawyer for informational purposes, open a separate bank account and deposit money in there, draft up a budget, cut him off emotionally, get involved in activities you enjoy, and get yourself prepared - it's just good business. These actions will also help you cope and develop independent strength by dealing effectively with the adversity you face. They may also have the effect of waking him up to the reality he is creating. Take over the wheel in your life... and you get to decide where you go.

akasha_1973 posted 2/23/2009 18:00 PM

Wow! After all this searching on the site, I sadly must call this place home. Here's my quick story. XWS - 38 BS (me) - 35
DS 4months OW - 23 Together 15 years. Strangely, my d-day was way after I asked him to leave. During the pregnancy he was really freaked out. We didn't think we would ever be parents. I remember watching Juno and telling him I thought he would leave me for his music and a new life just like in the movie...apparently, I was crazy to think that. He started staying out all night. He never practiced this behavior before. The 3rd time we were at our friend's house and he informed me he was leaving and staying out again all night. I left pissed off and texted him from home telling him to grab so of his clothes and things because his behavior was not welcome. He insured me that he loved me deeply but "in 2 months our lives are going to change and I just need this". He was out of the house for what I thought was going to be a week. He returned a week later telling me he didn't feel the same about me and wanted to walk away for sometime but would be back for the baby. I was so stupid and trusting that I actually let him have our car and I dragged my 7th month pregnant carcass around on transit. It wasn't till he told me that it wasn't cheating as I broke up with him. This was all news to me. He still refused to answer if he found someone else. Thankfully he saved that bomb for my birthday. I asked him directly again if there was someone else and this time he said yes. He fought me on the fact that I knew she was a groupie from his band's website. He didn't want me to think the music attracted this problem into my world. She is super supportive and thinks his music is really great and that he's a metal god. I was not supportive of the music because it was being placed in front of me and the pregnancy. They had been living together since he left me and he has really strong feelings for he loves her and has found his perfect match. He sees his son about once a week for about 15 minutes. He says just give him time and he'll be a better father. Since D-Day there have been several times where he called me or during a conversation about mediation he would cry and say that he still loved me. If he hadn't been so stupid to fall for someone else, he would be with me and our son now. Thankfully finding this thread has been awesome...I know that these were all common things that he will say. My favorite is the call basically asking me if he can come home but I said that I will not be involved with someone who will take the first chance to run downtown and screw is Whore Princess. I told him he had to play it out and see where we stand after. It's been 6months and I am freaking out. Should the newness not have worn off yet? Is she really that friggin wonderful and I suck that bad? I have days were it hurts but I can see it being a benefit that he is not around with his crappy attitude and then there are days like today where he doesn't call hasn't in about a week and I dearly wish that he would come home or at least remember me or his son. I want him to feel pain of loss and betrayal but it seems as though they are quite happy together. I'm now starting a 180 to get myself on track. I just don't understand why he gets to be so very happy without so much as a care about us. Even better, he refused to sign some documents when our son was born which has now caused the government to back check my records and so far....I owe them $500. THIS WASN'T WHAT I WANTED and now I am punished for his action not only with a loss of his income but now I have to pay out of my meager maternity leave. Right on!!!

Rella posted 3/2/2009 14:14 PM

Well, my WH left to immediately move in with the OW 5 months ago (to the day!). It's been very hard, as most you already know, but I've managed to pull myself up by my bootstraps & move on.

Our young adult daughters are still very angry with him (one still lives with me), but I have asked them to lighten up... What will be- will be. He left ME, not them, but they can't help but feel the way they do.

It matters not to me whether his new relationship lives or dies.

I have already discovered a new life & a new SO, who was once in my shoes. He is a kind-hearted & loving man who always manages to bring me back to earth when my emotions start to simmer.

Maybe this was meant to be, I don't know. But what a painful way for fate to correct things!

I do know that even if this new relationship doesn't work out, I still would never go back to the STBXH. I have way too much respect for myself to ever accept a second rate person back into my life. Especially since I now know what being treated really special feels like!

diditagn posted 3/7/2009 09:17 AM

just finally started reading over here. ex is with one of his ow now...,.and to be honest it really hurts.

One observation though, so often people tell me I have to just get over it. We have been divorced for almost 3 years. I've dated but haven't found anyone that I click with or that I could have a ltr with.

Do you think that when they leave for the op that it takes longer to move on?

To me I look at the op and think omg she is a skank, she is ugly fat and stupid. What does she have that I didn't?

I am still just having a really hard time with all of this. Am I the only one?

hope4better posted 3/9/2009 16:24 PM

No didit, you are not the only one. I have been divorced for almost 2years now and I still haven't let go or moved on.

Just like you, I wonder what that borderline illiterate, non-working whore has that I didn't. Why he was so willing to make their relationship work and could give a damn about ours (we were together 15years)! Almost every day I beat myself up wondering why her and not me?

People who haven't been in our shoes don't understand how hard it is to "just move on".

I wish I had some words of encouragement for your but I don't. I'm where you are and I will unfortunately probably be this way for a very long time.

Guess we just have to keep faith that one day, we will finally move just takes time.

ittybittya posted 3/9/2009 17:32 PM

Something that has been really bothering me lately and I honestly don't know if this might be because XH left for OP but I find myself feeling like I don't really fit with my SO's family.

I'm wondering if I fear getting to close only to lose it or if I'm not really welcome and never will be. Just a few things that tend to bother me. Its like it will never stop feeling like my boys and I got left.......left for what, we don't really now yet.

Jade1964dream posted 3/10/2009 02:50 AM

I've asked the same question (rarely now, no longer daily) - what does she have better that I don't. After reading alot of the posts on this thread, it just hit me (the similarities are just something that could not be ignored as most of the OW are skanky, fat, ugly, worthless, needy) - the answer has to be - she kisses the ground he walks on and she'll lower herself to make him feel needed.

I'll be damned if I do that for such an a**hole.

[This message edited by Jade1964dream at 2:52 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)]

hope4better posted 3/10/2009 10:59 AM

the answer has to be - she kisses the ground he walks on and she'll lower herself to make him feel needed.

Jade-I think you are right!

Iíll admit, she is 13yrs younger than I (and wxh) and toothpick thin (even after having 2 kids) and I am at the moment, the fat one. As far as looks, we are both average. Despite those differences, I think the biggest difference between us is that I work (have done so since 16) and have a really good job. I can take care of myself and my kids, Iím self sufficient. She doesnít work (hasnít in 3yrs), and when she did work (2005-2006), it was very minimal. She is on state assistance for her first kid (from another relationship), and based on the content of a letter she wrote to my ex in 2005, she is not very educated. She IS NEEDY. Hell, she and my wxh both live with her parents!

Now, I'll admit, she is more skilled in the bedroom than I which is I think part of why my ex is so in luuvvv with her but I think the biggest draw is the fact that she NEEDS him. Heís her ďsaviorĒ, heís her excuse to not grow the fuck up and actually work to get ahead in life.

I even think he likes the fact that she isnít working because, hell, he can control her. She canít make it without him or the damn state. I think my ex was looking for someone who would praise him non-stop no matter what he did/does.

Only thing I donít understand is why he is being so faithful to her (hopefully itís temporary as they are both confirmed cheaters)

In a way, itís actually kind of sad that my ex thinks so little of himself that he chose a needy little girl over his wife. He doesnít even realize, that I was with him because I loved him and wanted to be with him, not because I needed him. How can he not realize that he will never really know why the OW is with him. He will always wonder if itís for love or necessity. Ah, who am I kidding, he doesnít care as long as she continues to feed the hunger of his brokenness.

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