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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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devastated07 posted 3/10/2009 11:26 AM

Do you think that when they leave for the op that it takes longer to move on?
Interesting question. For me its a double edge sword: on the one hand, I am OVER my ex (its been 2 years since D-day and divorce). I have no feelings for him. On the other hand, I have no desire to have feelings for someone else. I somehow lost my attraction to men. So while I am A-ok and moving on, my trauma runs deep.

Jade1964dream posted 3/10/2009 11:29 AM

Really, what healthy 21 year old would date a married man, live with her parents, off state support, knowingly break up a marriage - for that matter - not only 21 year olds do this type of thing - only the sick ones.

akasha_1973 posted 3/10/2009 11:38 AM

I fully agree with the no understanding part. How can they be so blind? Yes, it is nothing more than idol worship and someone that will do it in the middle of the night....yep, he even had to tell me that one. How can someone I loved for so long, leave me and treat his whore with more value than myself or his own son. PLEASE KARMA BUS....Do your damage quickly.

sytycd posted 3/20/2009 20:37 PM

Ya my "forever soulbabe" felt like he needed to talk to someone back in November - and instead of his wife (me), a therapist (I had been suggesting for awhile he go because he exhibited signs of depression), or his friends he chose to start texting my best friend.

Now, if my BF's H stated txting me I would be saying right away 'why r u txting me, its inappropriate' and then I would tell her. But neither of my most trust "friends" thought I should know about this.

She also decided to get involved with my other BFF who is a male. And while she tries to say it was platonic with my H, when my H went to her in December and said he couldnt be the bad guy and leave us at xmas time and to wait til after xmas, she flipped and said he could go eff himself and he only had 1 chance with her and she deserved him not me blaheffinblah. Anyway if it was platonic I dont think she would have reacted that way.

So Feb 1 comes and he sits me down to tell me he wants to leave. Ok fine, I had had enough of his back and forth quarterly leaving festival and said fine. And we were amicable, he lived in the house, we kept life normal (as possible). But then he started dating about 2 wks later. Then I find out it was with my BFF - I lost my freaking mind. I kicked his sorry ass out, freaked out on the phone to her (she called my the male BFF to say she was afraid for her life and how dare I call her the names I did, she didnt deserve them). Since then he's been with her. I am in shock. SHOCK. What did I do to make this man hate me so much that he would take the most vile measure of what a spouse could do to another out on me? I know Im not perfect, but neither is he. She flew off to Cuba for a week a couple of weeks ago because she "couldnt take the stress" of what was going on (oh my heart bleeds) and when I took off to Mexico last week he calls me "mother of year". Like go to hell you pile of crap. If anyone needs to get away from all of this its me, not either one of them.

And then when I got back my daughter comes to me about 4 days later crying saying she just couldnt keep this secret anymore. And I was like "what????". Apparently this bitch called my H at MY home on the Friday night to come over and watch tv with them. And he asked my daughter and she was like "uh I dont think mommy would like that" and he goes "well she doesnt have to know" and she goes"no, I dont want her here daddy" so ok she didnt come. But then he sits her down and says "ok lets just keep this between us, you dont need to tell mommy and ruin her holiday, this is just our secret". THEN he was trying to pawn her off on the Saturday night so he could take slutski out and I made sure that no one would watch her so that he couldnt. I just cant believe how far up his ass his head is. How do you do that to a 12 yr old???? It had been 3 wks since we had found out about him and my BFF at the time and he wants to bring her into my home to watch tv with our daughter like it was NORMAL???? WTF is wrong with this man??? I flippped!!!!!! And when I asked him what the hell he was thinking he just laughed at me like it was joke. And Im just so bewildered, and I say "who ARE YOU????" It wasnt until I told him that our daughter wanted to email and mail and letter to his OW about how much she hated her for ruining her family and wanted to know if it was wrong if we drove by her house and threw a brick threw her car window that he finally got serious. When a 12 yr old is saying stuff like that, you know its bad.

I have both her and I going for therapy, but it doesnt start until April 21 - and he said he was going to see someone. And I said well that was good he should have done it long ago - and he says 'well its not for US its for ME' and I said "good cause you need it and I told you months ago you should go for just yourself, but ofcourse you didnt listen'.

Anyway - he is in la la land with this bitch, every spare moment he has he's with her, texting, going for coffees, spending the days together, going on dates - stuff Ive been trying to get him to do for yrs and he just wouldnt. He used to be this way with me too - it just pisses me off that she is getting the great sweet guy that I fell in love with and married and made a life with and Im left with a broken home, broken heart, a childs broken heart and trying to sweep up all the pieces and keep everything together while he tells me "she'll get over it".

I hate the things that he has done - but I cant say yet that I hate him. Is that screwed up or what?

sorry for such a long rant - just been away for a week and had a lot to get out.

etg814 posted 3/21/2009 14:19 PM

That sounds exactly like my ex. We were together for 14yrs and have a 10yr old daughter. Never wanted to go out with me or do anything as a family. Now he's always going out with his new girl, who is an ex from high school. She has a son also and they are always doing stuff with the kids.
I think the thing that bugs me the most is that her marriage ended because she was cheated on and I don't understand how anyone who has been through that could turn around and do it to someone else!

mab1982 posted 3/21/2009 14:49 PM

I am so afraid that this is going to happen to me. Not sure how I would deal with it. How could I be the only woman he wanted to have his kids (they had 3 abortions together), yet he loves her differently (and seemingly more intimately) than he does me? Hope he comes out of his fog and I dont have to deal with this...he says he would be a single father, but he has always been in LTR before me, so I doubt it. As long as it's not with OW, I will feel a little better. (Am I crazy for saying that?)

sytycd posted 3/21/2009 23:37 PM

I dont think you are crazy mab - I think you are reality and she is fantasy and men/women seem to like to escape from the real world. Obviously if they had 3 abortions together then that is not real. And I understand about how you feel if it happens but at least not with the OW. I feel the same way - my H could be with anyone but "it" (thats what I call her now, she doesnt even deserve profane names) and I wouldnt care as much.

What an awful situation to be pregnant and having to go through this. As if your hormones arent already flying out of control you have to deal with this too. (((mab)))

deeznt posted 4/27/2009 06:03 AM

Ok..Here is my story and I could use a LOT of support here...(I hope people read here...)I moved to another state for DH job. Dh decided to pick up with old gf from high school. Needless to say, our "new" life was me and the kids watching him leave us to be with her. He had pretense of his own apartment, but it was just a crash pad. Kids and I leave this state to move back home last Fall. STBX and OW have now moved to our home town (since last week..) and now he's insisting on bringing OW to all of the kids activities. We are not divorced yet...I am so mad and scared...Kids met OW at Dad's new place over the weekend. And, OW and stbx drop kids off at my house-but I'm not supposed to be at their's? HELP!!!! javascript:AddSmily(' ')

10/04 posted 4/29/2009 06:23 AM

((deeznt)) Do you have anyone else to go with you to kid's activities? (friends/family)? I am fortunate that ex doesn't bring HER around here. It must be very hard for you to see them together.

sofresh posted 6/5/2009 07:26 AM

Well, I was certain he was a sociopath, but my therapist says he's certainly NPD.

Did any of you get the multiple false R's I mean they were SO covincing. Each one better than the last. This last time he rented a U-haul took his best friend (who was also convinced) and they took EVERYTHING from her house. Then he was totally NC for 4 days, she would text, but I had his phone, she would drive to his freind's houses and beg them to contact him, she would e-mail them and call them too. He had told her lies everytim too. Like that he was living with his freind, but he was with me.(that's his record) and then they were seeing eachother while we were cohabitating "It's best for DS." he said.
He denied it although I had proof through keylogger. Then the NPD Mother-f'er brought her into my home and F'd her. When I played VAR he gaslighted. WTF!!!!!

I thought after all these months, his flip-flopping, crying , IC that he'd finally be coming more OUT of the FOG, but this Shit is DEEP!!!

He is lying to both of us. Why does this not make sense. I thought he'd pick one to be loyal too. He has slept with me at least twice everytime he came back ,and even before the R's he would proposition me when at the we've had sex at least ten times since he "been with her" but he has her convinced we have done nothing since D-day.

sofresh posted 6/5/2009 07:44 AM

They say Affair Relationships don't last, but it seems many WS have gone on with the OP and some marry.
Is it your observation that WS has changed?
I spoke to a freind whose H left her for his AP and he's been married to OW for years, and there is no evidence of cheating, WS is happy.

I just can't see it. My WH had cheated before...he has cheated on OW the whole time, and how do they think this Relationship will be better?!!!!

wannabenormal posted 6/5/2009 08:00 AM

I still have trouble with him leaving me for her. What's so fucking great about her? NOTHING. Yet I'm the unhappy one here. They're as happy as can be. Yay them.

Cocoad07 posted 6/8/2009 20:34 PM

Just want to post a note. Isn't it ironic how my XH left for another woman now the other woman does not want him talking to me, he says she's very insecure about me, she only wants me to text him we have few kids together. I am the other woman now. HA HA HA! Payback a bitch.

ittybittya posted 6/8/2009 21:40 PM

I just felt like posting this same thing here that I also posted in the NB someone that was left for the OP, I really felt like this applied here too.

... always remember, sometimes things fall apart for other things to fall into place (:

bbee posted 6/15/2009 18:08 PM

itty, I think maybe you are right. Some things seem to be starting to fall into place for me these days.

TotallyBlown posted 6/16/2009 08:22 AM


I like that saying. I'll try to remember it and maybe it'll give me some hope and being happy again somehow.

lingerdog posted 6/23/2009 12:33 PM

If you're willing to talk about it, when WS left for OP, and all the discovery process comes out, does it seem that more times than not, the WS was doing things, outside of the affair like opening new bank accounts and looking for apartments? Things like they were set to leave the marriage even had the affair not been caught?

runaway posted 6/24/2009 18:14 PM


and it still hurts

and I am still stupid and I still love him somehow and I don't know why and it's so stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

I rebuilt my career, I moved back to near my parents, I love my little girls but I can not speak to him or look him in the eye when he meets halfway to get the kids and the evil-bitch-whore-now-wife is smirking away and he is alternately flirting (when she is not looking) or bullying (when she is/he wants to do more dodgy deals over the house that won't sell/he wants the kids and I dare to suggest an alternative ever)

Why do I still care about someone who so clearly never cared for me and certainly doesn't now. I've been disposed of, replaced. I was just a cash cow and a surrogate mother and now he is irritated by my existence but I still have this ridiculous idea in my head that he wasn't always like that and I'm too old-fashioned to just move on and pretend the kids are not hurt and everything is fine.

It's not fine. It will never be fine. There is no karma and there is no point. Just stupid. I am so stupid.

SerJR posted 6/25/2009 08:05 AM

Linger - this is a definite trend with the emotional based affairs (which is what WW/OW's tend to be more involved in).

Affairs stem from poor self esteem, fear of intimacy, and inability to cope with reality. A lot of it has to do with the "win". Pride is the biggest hitter in all of this. Some WS's tend to medicate their self esteem issues with sex, and others with emotional romance and promise of the future. In the first case the WS had sex and it can't be undone - thus he "won" his prize. The latter case however, is looking for that promise of future... and that involves tearing her family apart in effort to prove she was right. Men tend towards the first case and women tend towards the second, although obviously not always.

So yes - your WW probably felt she had to leave for the OM so that she could be right. It has nothing to do with you or the OM - it's about her need to feed her pride.

devastated07 posted 6/25/2009 08:25 AM

(((runaway))) you are not stupid. Your heart needs time to catch up to your brain. There's some biological factors at work here. Trust me when I tell you, it gets better. Look back at your history with him and you will see that he wasn't an angel.

JW123 posted 6/25/2009 08:32 AM

Well I have been 4 weeks separated (he moved out) and after the first week he was back in contact with OW. They discussed their situations. She is getting divorced, and well we are separated. I just cant believe that after 14.5 years of marriage, he is thinking of leaving for HER. It burns me, it consumes me. It is like she has won. How do I handle this, how do I move on? Any suggestions. I DONT want her to be my children's step mother.

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