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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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click4it posted 9/16/2009 14:40 PM

Its totally ovewhelming especially when it just happens. Please take one day at a time. Its normal to question ourselves wonder WHY to everything. Hang tight and vent to us anytime. (((((((((hugs))))))))

jbp111 posted 9/16/2009 15:01 PM

I belong here XWW divorced me and married her OM less than a month after the divorce was final.

She got remarried without telling me, her kids or her family..Her parents hadn't even met him until after the big day.

It's a struggle.

JW123 posted 9/17/2009 07:32 AM

I just fail to understand why they give it all up for the OP and her/his children? I mean surely it is preferable to stay with your spouse who loves you and your own flesh and blood? my husband said I will never know how hard it was for him to walk away - but surely if it was THAT HARD, he would not have done it?

SerJR posted 9/18/2009 15:02 PM

JW - the affair is all about a fantasy version of themselves they build up, reflected through the eyes of the OP, that they fall in love with. When they leave for the OP it has nothing to do with you - it's all about their need to desperately clutch to that idolised version of themselves to cover up that ugly truth they don't want to face. Courage is strength of character to stand up for what is right. Cowardice is to run from one's self. Neither one is easy... courage does demand tremendous heart... but seeking instant gratification is often at the expense of our own character which is a truly horrible fate to suffer.

JW123 posted 9/25/2009 07:01 AM

Thanks SerJR, what you say makes so much sense. Apparently both of them are saying that they are in love because each is so kind, considerate, understanding and good listeners. I mean, I was all that, but I run a household, work a full day, have three children (her husband also is working hard to provide). I think you are right, they are being cowards....they are not prepared to look at THEIR actions but each blame me or her H for their poor marriages. THIS makes me VERY ANGRY. Trouble is how do I hate her so much but then have to let my precious children go to her every 2nd she can kill them with kindness. I want nothing to do with her (or him) right now!

goingkookoo posted 9/26/2009 07:16 AM

I am here too. He moved out on 9/11 as I told him to leave b/c he was fence sitting. He did and now is pursuing a relationship with OW and knows that I know. I see the phone records and the history of their texting (it is a long distance relationship). He went up to see her last weekend and it seems all is bliss in paradise while I sit here in misery trying to put on a smile for my children. I hate him/ I love him. I am so conflicted. I want to start moving forward but it is so hard. Each day I am not sure how I am going to make it but I know I will. I have to but it is not fair that he is so happy and I am so sad. Just needed to vent as I will not tell him any of this (180)....

nooneeverthought posted 9/26/2009 07:28 AM

Hey Kook, Chances are he is not as happy as you think he is, but, he is not going to tell you that right now. KWIM?

goingkookoo posted 9/26/2009 08:03 AM

Thanks - I sometimes wonder as he seems so indifferent...

nooneeverthought posted 9/26/2009 17:01 PM

I sometimes wonder as he seems so indifferent...

If he was actually happy, hon, he would be skipping through ya know? It is gonna hit him when he realized he has hit rock bottom and his only support system is a bottom feeder.

notsosureanymore posted 9/26/2009 17:39 PM

Checking in here to but I only read the first and last pages so far. Wow, I couldn't imagine if my fww actually married her bum,(no really) but she did stay at her mothers place to figure out what she wanted for 6to8 weeks. The thing is her leaving for the op makes it so much harder to get back to what was normal. But I guess he was just a tool. Here we are three years later and still having problems with it, at least off and on monthly and last two weeks. it would seem that it could be time to let it go. I can relate to what jw123 has said about your own flesh and blood wanting to walk away and serJR you always really nail it. I don't think my fww would go back to op at this point, I'd really would be surprised. Now I think she just may want to try living alone with the idea of someone else at this time.

Citizen325 posted 9/26/2009 19:20 PM

My ww left me for an om that was the complete opposite. Shorter, skinnier, uglier, uneducated, minimum wage job, 10 years younger. Honest to goodness less than me in every way. He even still lives at home with his parents.

My children want nothing to do with him. She has attempted to insert him into our previous social circle and all my children's events. It has been 9 months and, for me, the pain is actually getting worse. I have tried to move on but after a decade and a half of marriage it is tough. My only consolation is that I received everything in the dissolution. I am tired of being the responsible one and reaping no benefits. The one short-lived rebound relationship that I had was a disaster......

SerJR posted 9/26/2009 19:44 PM

Citizen - it's very common for the OP to be a polar opposite to the BS. There's a few dynamics behind this phenomena:

- No relationship is perfect... in any one not all of a person's emotional needs are being met 100% (let's say in your case you were doing pretty good and met 80% of her needs). The part that's missing (the 20%) becomes the object of pursuit - afterall the rest is already being met by you... it is assumed or taken for granted so the importance of the missing 20% becomes inflated. Due to fears of intimacy, the WS is often afraid to take responsibility for making their relationship better and this creates the perception of isolation. So, the OP can meet this hypothetical 20% and the WS will perceive all of their needs being met by the OP (attributing the 80% you offered as already there).

-Knight in Shining Armour Syndrome: A WS can temporarily relieve their internal insecurities by surrounding themselves with people even worse off than they are - this allows them to feel better than everyone else and perpetuates an illusion of being an adored/idolised version of themselves. (Note - often the more stable/secure the BS is the more the WS will resent them)

As I mentioned above, they're building their life around an illusion they want to believe. One can run from reality, but the consequences have a nasty habit of not giving a damn... a life built upon a sand castle may look pretty but lacks integrity... and there's nothing the crashing waves of reality love more than to eat a fool and his/her sand castle for breakfast.

Citizen325 posted 9/26/2009 19:51 PM


Very interesting.....but the utmost of contempt for me? Not only from her but her family as well. You would think that I were the catalyst in all of this.

Actually her and I came from two different backgrounds, socio-econmic, educational, etc. I used to be her KISA....just having trouble making sense of it all.

SerJR posted 9/26/2009 20:09 PM

"but the utmost of contempt for me?"

She has to have reason to resent you for her version of reality to make sense to her. It's reverse logic... if she hates you then there must be a reason. If there's a reason then she must have been justified in her actions. If her actions were justified then she's the victim and still gets to hold onto her illusionary fantasy of herself. As for her family it's pretty similar... nobody wants to admit they raised a jackal for a daughter so they'll believe what they want to believe.

"I used to be her KISA....just having trouble making sense of it all."

It might make perfect sense... instead of her learning to introspect, take responsibility for her problems, and solve them, she sought to medicate them through external avenues and never developed healthy coping mechanisms for constructively dealing with reality. When her fear of intimacy (affairs are fear driven) created the perception of isolation, again, she looked to external quick fixes instead of actually solving her problem. This just ends up further propagating the unhealthy cycle.

Citizen325 posted 9/26/2009 20:20 PM


Wow!!! Very astute!!! Is there any way to predict the outcome of her current relationship? I am not concerned for her, but my kids as we do have shared custody. This idealistic relationship of hers has been going strong since last November. She has burned through all of her finances so I think reality may be knocking on the door.

And one more thing, how does someone such as myself deal with the way I am perceived by anyone who has heard her side of the story?

SerJR posted 9/26/2009 20:24 PM

Here's a discussion regarding your first question:

Will the Affair work out in the end?:

As for your second... I'm reminded of a quote from Dr. Seuss to the effect of "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." But what truly matters is what *you* think of yourself.

movingonandup posted 10/27/2009 00:19 AM

I'm not sure if this is where I need to post or not. I have not been on this site for a long time, but I'm afraid I've hit my breaking point.

My ex is living with his AP. It has been 1 1/2 years since our D was final. We were married 30 years. I have felt like I have come to terms with the fact they are still together, but the thing that has put me in a tailspin is that now my grown children have started having a relationshop with their dad and her. It's killing me.

I have never felt this kind of pain, and I'm really worried this is more than I can handle. I don't want to feel betrayed by them, but I do. In the beginning all they said was that they would never have anything to do with her, never wanted to meet her...and I believed them. Especially my daughter. I never thought she would have anything to do with her, and now, here they are, having family get-togethers and I can't handle it:-( I've already lost everything and the thought of losing my kids and grandkids too is terrifying.

My family has brought me the most joy for the past 30 years, and now they are causing me the most pain. My ex & girlfriend now come to my grandkids events and it hurts like hell. Part of me wants to run away so I don't have to deal with the constant pain of it all. I have been trying to heal from all this the right way, but I'm ready to give up. I was just getting to a point I could tolerate being around him when he was by himself, but now that she comes with him, it puts me in a RAGE! I think I'm going crazy.

I've always tried to live my life the right way...and he is a liar, cheater and incredibly selfish, yet he has come out the winner in all of this. While I am alone, he is with her, her family and is now alienating me from all I have left. It's just too painful and I see no end in sight.

Buzz09 posted 11/3/2009 13:40 PM

She has to have reason to resent you for her version of reality to make sense to her. It's reverse logic... if she hates you then there must be a reason. If there's a reason then she must have been justified in her actions. If her actions were justified then she's the victim and still gets to hold onto her illusionary fantasy of herself. As for her family it's pretty similar... nobody wants to admit they raised a jackal for a daughter so they'll believe what they want to believe


I just had a flashback to an IC session. This is exactly how my IC explained it. Thins fell into perspective rather quickly after hearing that.

onhold posted 12/4/2009 07:49 AM

movingonandup, that is horrible and i can feel your pain.

what helped me.

hearing kids are 50% each parent and if they are on bad terms with one parent they are 50% on bad terms with themselves. so for the kids, it is psychologically better they have a reasonable relation with their father than one of hate, abandonment, resentment etc

knowing that the relationship xWH has with them can never compare with the relationship I had. He was busy at work, I was at home, thinking about them, caring for them, being there.

Not every father-child relation is like this, but this is how it was in our house. He put first work & himself. I put first kids & him.

And if their relationship with xH is 100 times weaker than their relationship with mem then the relationship with xH's new 'wife' is about 10 million times weaker.

She is nothing to them, they are nothing to her. Sure they can be polite, it is better than if she was being nasty. But I don't feel that that takes can hold the faintest candle to my relation with my kids....

luv2swim posted 12/18/2009 00:36 AM

I most definitely belong here. Former husband (divorce should be final by the end of the year), has told mutual friends that he and OW are getting married. They all ready own a house together (they bought this BEFORE divorce was filed, thanks to help from my mother "outlaw"

Ex is doing the demonizing thing. I am the demon and cause for his unhappiness. I think it is in the script, but only because so many here have noted the same pattern.

The really excellent thing about his venom, is I find gratitude for the OW now. She is doing me the greatest favor and taking ex off my hands while he passes through this phase of his life. I think of it as a resorting of brain matter! Honest, I really loved this man, and thought we had a very good marriage. But who he is now.. she can have him.

It took a long while to get here. I used to feel so sorry for myself: I was rejected and directly replaced. So sad... poor me... such an awful situation... blaming it on the vile seductress "spider woman" OW. And hating my in laws for encouraging the divorce, buying into my husbands complaints about me.

Then, I listened to Oprah Winfeys soul series interview (on iTunes under the's Spirit Channel) with Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuro scientist who wrote the book "Stroke of Insight". It is a 4 part interview, and along the way, Blote Taylor talks about our brain, and how all these emotions we are feeling, and the mind spin that we go through (especially with the pain of infidelity) all come from a place in the brain that is the size of a p-nut. And what we feel as this profound misery, is just the firing of neurons. Nothing more. Nothing less. And that when her own brain starts to take her to a place where she knows she is not going to feel good, she does her mindful tricks and makes the decision to not let the brain circuitry furthur tromp along the path of painful thoughts. And somewhere in the interview I believe she talks about how when we keep thinking along the lines of pain (for me, it was the looping path of "I have been rejected... I have been replaced... poor, poor me"), we actually encourage this pathway to become entrenched in our mind. YIKES!... we are telling our brain wiring to keep following that pathway, keep firing along those circuits so we can take that direct route to feeling so darned horrid.

YIKES!... so this is how it works in the human brain. And we do not have to keep going down that pathway over and over. We can recognize it is simply the activation of certain neurons (I think it is neurons, but do not quote me on this, listen to the interview, or read the book). And we can actually stop our mind from travelling down these pathways. It is in our power. And we can not hurt so darned much.

Anyway, I highly recommend listening to this interview.. and reading the book "Stroke of Insight" too.

And, there are several other interviews on this Oprah channel (all free on iTunes), that have helped to snap me back to a place of optimisim, gratitude, and reality! I think getting to this place is a bit more of a challenge for those of us left for the OP... and with ex spouses who appear to be so very happy with OP. So, I hope some reading this will find some of the same relief I have found.

And it is still a journey for me. I sometimes travel down that pathway of pain and feeling great loss. Part of the healing journey.

For what it is worth, I was really, REALLY, in a sad and barely functional state for nearly a year... and only a bit better the year after. It truly was the most painful place of being I have ever experienced. So I invite anyone who is still looping with pain, to go listen to the various interviews with Oprah, and see if they too can find some insights and relief. If I can heal, so can you!

[This message edited by luv2swim at 5:26 PM, December 25th (Friday)]

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