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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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Jen posted 12/31/2009 01:45 AM

OMG ... I am so sad ... I also belong to this thread ...

I am in the JFO, general, law enforcement thread, divorce/seperation thread, LTA thread, oh yeah the my WH is a LEO thread ...

it just never seems to end ... I am actually afraid to do anymore surfing on the website for fear of how many more threads my WH's A is going to make me a member of unwillingly ... no body wants it duh ... but UGH !!!

WH and OW have been having a PA since summer of 07 the EA started he said around x-mas of 06 ...

the reason I moved out of state was because WH choose the OW ... they are still together and in love ..

I much more can I take ... I know the more forums I belong to the more support I get ect... but ugh I don't know ... it is also kinda overwhelming ...

Feels like everytime I find a new thread or forum I belong to it opens up a whole new can of worms and questions ... and makes me sad ...

but it also turns on some lights at the same time which is good ...

I am so

Star727 posted 12/31/2009 12:07 PM

If my WH leaves our family to be with the OW, she is in for a financial headache and I will be relieved of one.

I make more money than he so I've had to kick in some of my money to pay for things he needs or has to take care of like his personal bills, car repairs, etc.

He doesnt have a bank account because child support froze his account a couple of years ago (previous child support case still ongoing and the "child" is now 30 years old!!!). So he deposits half his check in my account and I pay his bills.

She's going to have to do that. And, whenever he has car problems, she's going to have to pull out the credit card and pay for that too. He seldom has cash on hand - it was always me who paid for a lot of stuff. Now she's going to have to do that.

Playing around with him for years for dandy for him. She has absolutely no idea all the other work that is required to be a "couple" with him.

I'll never tell her. She has to find out for herself.

Its kind of funny.

nooneeverthought posted 1/2/2010 17:50 PM


Sucks to be in this place

I am in the JFO, general, law enforcement thread, divorce/seperation thread, LTA thread, oh yeah the my WH is a LEO thread ...

When I first joined SI they didn't have the LEO thread. I didn't belong to LTA, I did belong to when your S works with the OP.Passive Agressive, etc.........It was really overwhelming for me so I focused on the one or two that helped me at that moment.

scorpio1 posted 1/2/2010 20:00 PM

I can tell you that it gets easier. My WH left two years ago to live in another state with the OW. Guess he didn't think he would miss the kids as much as he did. Or that they would have anger issues because of his move. Suffice to say, the kids didn't speak with him for five months.

Soon after his move, the OW starting seeing someone else and WH discovered how it feels to be cheated and having to spy to find out the truth. He eventually moved out and had to deal with Colon Cancer.

Meanwhile, I was left to raise three children on my own and dealing with depression. Evenutally, I started back to school full-time and recently graduated with an Associate's Degree. I am continuing on for my Bachelor's and should be finished in another year.

I have grown as an individual and have my own dreams now. I have proven to myself that I can raise three children, run a household and anything else that comes my way on my OWN.

He doesn't have a very good relationship with the kids as they don't respect him. He's dealing with a chronic disease that causes pain. Sucks to be him. My daughter recently told me that I should feel proud of myself because I accomplished so much without him.

He claims to have changed but none of us really see it. He still talks bad about me to the kids while I bite my tongue. But that just shows me I am on the right path without him and that he will never really change.

When he moved, I made the comment that sometimes when you lose, you win. And it's true. I lost a husband who was not really a husband and she won a person she discovered was not really worth all that hassle.

I suggest that you journal so that in another year you can look back and see how far you have come. Don't be afraid to go out there and live for yourself. Your WH made the choice to leave and there's nothing you can do to change that. Do for yourself and in years to come you will see that your WH will deeply regret the choices they made. But you won't care anymore.

Jen posted 1/14/2010 04:33 AM

hello, this is my last stop on the how many threads do I belong to train ...

gee whiz already ... when he has an A he does an f-ing good job, and this is his first and only, I can only imagine if it had been more like some on the SI site ...

not that I am greatful for my stbxwh's 1 and only A, but it sure hit thread jackpot on this site ...

anyway I hope that came across as a little funny it was meant to not to hurt anyone in anyway ...

just stopping in to check on everyone and say hello, and goodnight and I will check in tomorrow ...

Jen posted 1/21/2010 16:09 PM

hey everyone ... hello newbies to this thread ... we have some really great members of this thread and they give amazing advice and support ...
been having a pretty good week since I last posted ... can't complain for once ...

Only thing that has come up is I got my w-2's yesterday and mailed them off to stbxwh today ... he is going to file taxes as married more $$$ ...

then after that he will be doing the D thing ... so I really don't have any emotion about that yet ... don't know if I am in shock, numb, or just don't care anymore ....

I have not broke the 180 again since the last time I think it was over a week ago that I did ...

so that is my update ... just waiting on the roller coaster to start again and praying that it does not ...

Jen posted 1/24/2010 00:31 AM

wow this thread is really quiet ... shhhhh ...

if you listen you can here my typing ... hahahaha

I hope you all are doing ok and life is just normal & boring and you are living your dreams ...

No surprises ... no roller coasters ... just pure simple quiet good life ...

booger bear land is quiet for now ... no weird rides on the roller coaster ... I am on a pretty good high point on the roller coaster ...

hope this high point will help equal out the next low one ... I feel good but kinda like there is an impending doom in my gut ...

UGH !!! I hate all this ...

SerJR posted 1/25/2010 18:48 PM

Yeah, this thread will cycle up and down

That roller coaster can be trying at times, but if you can keep true to yourself you'll find, in time, that you get to be in control of it

Jen posted 1/25/2010 20:27 PM

thnx SerJr ...

Gottagetthrough posted 1/29/2010 10:57 AM

H left us for the OW only a few day/weeks after the stat of the A. (I think he met her in Oct, started affair in Nov, and left us 2 weeks later)

He came home for 3 weeks, and for the past month has been at her house. He has no idea that I know about the A. I have been talking to attorneys and getting evidence together before I tell him.

Has anyone been in my position and after you told him he came home? I would love to try to R, but with him at OWs house, LOL... yeah...

ooie32 posted 1/29/2010 11:03 AM

ooie checking in. OW#8 he left us for.

OnTheMend posted 1/29/2010 11:08 AM

I belong to this group. WH left to be with OW in 2002, now married and happy as far as I can tell.

OTM - London

gardenparty posted 1/29/2010 11:13 AM

Card carrying member here.

EX met OW in April (he was her boss), started affair in May, DDay July 4th and she was living in my house by October. They just got engaged over Christmas. I hope to get to the point that I no longer care what happens to him but it still bugs my ass a bit.

DiagnosticSherd posted 1/29/2010 11:29 AM

My situation is a bit different:
On Dday #2 (12/1/2009) I told her she couldn't come home. I told her to stay with her father.
She called me a week later and said she "...didn't want to stay there" (with her dad), I knew her brothers had no room for her at their place, so moving in with her OP was the obvious next step.
I have no idea if this was ever part of their "plan" for their relationship but I doubt it.
So, yeah, I guess she kinda left me for her OP but only because:
1. I discovered their affair
2. I told her we were getting divorced and she couldn't come home.

No matter what or how it happened, it still kills me to know that 11 years of our lives together were just thrown out so she could move in with her boyfriend of, like, 3 months. It hurts, I hate it and now she's his problem but it still stinks.

TimMe posted 1/30/2010 10:39 AM

Some food for thought......

From "Receiving Love":

At one time or another, every one of these six people (3 couples in the case study)felt that they had chosen the wrong mate."If only I had waited longer before getting married, stayed single,only had one child, laid down the law from the beginning,married my high school sweetheart instead".Take your choice!Each of them thought things would be fine if only their spouse shaped up.

Choosing a "better" partner would not have spared them their struggles.We (the authors)know this because we know how to read the clues they've left behind in their stories. They don't know it, but their relationship problems are really maps that identify the places they themselves have been wounded (aka FOO isues here). Their relationship problems reveal elements of the "between" that are hidden but have tremendous power over how they form connections with each other.Those struggles that make them wish for another partner would have become part of "any" BETWEEN with "any" other partnerthey could have chosen.

It's amazing how often family history and dynamics come into play when trying to understand "why" relationships fail.Of course, when someone is broken, it's up to them to figure it out without running or blaming. The hard part is to realize that something is out of whack and to understand empathically ( both partners)are actually crying out for help in some way- not fully grasping "why" relationships can often become an impasse or simply stuck.

Human beings are obviously complex emotional creatures,but I assure everyone here that unless your former partner's issues are finally addressed, the repetitive cycle of their brokenness will continue on - no matter "who" it's with. Just the fact that you (and others) come here in an attempt to figure things out speaks volumes in contrast to those who would rather run from themselves.

And that in my opinion, should make you feel pretty good (eventually) about yourself.

reaching4light posted 2/4/2010 01:32 AM

My husband was not comming home at night a couple of times a week. I knew that he was seeing someone and told him he had to leave. He did so without a word of protest. So I feel that he did leave me for her. I don't want my daughter to think that this is what a relationship is supposed to be like.

SerJR posted 2/4/2010 06:19 AM

Welcome here r4L,

I'm so sorry to hear that, but I am glad that you found us.

Right now I would focus on a few things:

1) Make sure you follow up with a lawyer - you and your daughter need to be protected.

2) Make sure you focus on yourself and your needs. Both you and your daughter will have grieving associated with this. The very best thing you can do for both of you is to frame this in the healthiest way possible. Demonstrate that you are a person of values, standards, and of boundaries.

Check out the Healing Library - in particular the 180 will be of interest as a way to rebuild yourself independently by first detaching from the insanity. Make sure you take good care of yourself.

Post and read as often as you need to. You'll find yourself in good company here.

TimMe posted 2/4/2010 19:31 PM


I understand that you are one of the respected veterans. I've read many of your posts and they are empathically written.

This is my second experience with infidelity- two different people.

When I first encountered the awful experience of infidelity with my XWW, I eventually got to the point (seemingly like yourself) where I thought it was more beneficial to think outside of myself(even though I was still hurting) and attempt to offer comfort to others who were going through this nightmare.

I found this site following the second betrayal- yes, it has been a life saver to me, yet when I've reached out it seemed that "my" situation" wasn't a priority- perhaps it wasn't the right thread title?

Inasmuch as I've tried to maintain that emapathic gesture of reaching out, the fact remains that I've struggled with this second betrayal.Your postings have given me "logical" explanations as to to human behavior, yet at times, I've wished there was a shoulder to cry on.........someone that would just tell me it would be Ok.

I don't post here consistently, but I do read religiously.

Why do I feel like I'm not one of the regulars who warrant that shoulder?

SerJR posted 2/4/2010 20:19 PM


Do you perhaps feel that your situation isn't a priority or that you deserve the shoulder?

As you mentioned, this is your 2nd bout with infidelity. From your post, it sounds like you did do fairly well with dealing with the first one only to be hit with the devastation all over...

Sometimes, when we give it our all, slug it out, and triumph over adversity it can be incredibly humbling to have to face it again...

Shouldn't I have known better?
How could I have ended up here again?
What's wrong with me that this happened to me again?

I wonder if, on some level, you may be experiencing this internal battle?

If you read here religiously then you already know the answers to those. Sometimes though, it's the question that eludes us. You need both for the puzzle pieces to fit.

Please post as often as you can. The more you post, even if seemingly insignificant, the more you can get out of the site as you'll be leveraging the experiences and insights here.

I can't lie to you and tell you that you're not going to struggle through this. It's a hell of a battle, no matter how many times you have been through it.

It's plain fucking scary.

But, no matter how many fears you face, no matter how mercilessly they assault you... there is one thing in this world more powerful than them....


Keep faith in yourself and it will be okay.

That's a promise that you can make to yourself.

[This message edited by SerJR at 8:19 PM, February 4th (Thursday)]

TimMe posted 2/4/2010 20:48 PM

Thank you for your eternal wisdom. There's no question that you haven't suffered yourself, yet I celebrate your new found love. I have always been true to myself- that being a strong foundation between right and wrong.There will always be people who challenge that.

Yes. I'm frustrated when I hold those virtues. I get frustrated when someone rejects kindness. I guess what I need is someone to dispel that thinking.

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