Anyway, he seemed so happy when he left. Didn't tell sons when he would be back. I'm seeing a lawyer on Wed.
I just feel so tired, used, violated (OW was in my house overseas...using my things, etc. Thier daughter is the same name as our daughter who died)
Why do I still love this man? Why can't I let go? This false R was killing me inside. Now, I know it's over. It has opened an old wound because first xWH left for the OW (it didn't last) and never looked back, although he was good about child support for our sons.
This current WH.....I don't trust at all. For anything.
Sorry for the rant. My emotions feel so raw. I am seeing an IC and taking AD's, but the pain is so intense and it seems so hard to move beyond this.
Life just sucks when you see them happy. I torture myself by looking at pictures, reading blogs, and hearing about them through friends and family. I truly can't wait for the day when I can smile and truly mean it.
My heart goes out to everyone else on this thread who has experienced this same situation.
To make a long story extremely short, at my wedding, he brought OW against my wishes and when me, my father and mother were arguing about it, I said, "Let the child have his way." My father got this smile like a little kid who did get what he wanted. This extremely happy, selfish smile.
Fast forward 35 years. My second marriage. stbxWH tells me he won't leave OW. I tell him he's free. As he's leaving the house to go back overseas to his business (and her) HE HAD THE SAME SMILE AS MY FATHER ON HIS FACE!!!!!!
As for you DD, I hope that your WH will wake up and start contacting her again. I did finally make up with my father, but I guess as you can see, the hurt will always be there.
Why are they so selfish?
and I see we have a couple new members ... welcome and so sad you all are here ... but welcome we are quite the lively group here in ICR ...
well I watched the show with stbx in it ... and it was good ... natgeo did a great job on the show ... even tho they kinda just showed one side of the prison system perspective ...
and stbx was all over the show ... however only 1-2 scenes were with his face ... the rest were him dressed out in riot gear going in to get an unruly inmate ...
doesn't matter I knew who he was ...
and I did not trigger like I thought I would ... and I have it saved on my DVR ... and have only watched it once ... the night it aired ... thought I would be watching it everyday ... but I don't ...
so that is it ... things are still moving along ... the meadiation is set for May 13th ... I will appear by phone/fax ... last time I talked to stbx he asked if I would be coming to CO for the meadiation ??? and where I would be staying if I was ???
WTF ??? no I told him I will be by phone ...
no other news school is good and I am almost done with the first trimester ... 2nd one starts May 3rd ...
I found out about my H's EA on March 26th of this year. He had been very distant and cold for about a month, which was very unlike him...he was always a very loving and affectionate husband.
he moved out that day but told me that he still loved me and didn't want a divorce. I told him not to talk to MOW anymore because he needed to think about his family(we have a beautiful baby boy,2). Weel they spoke on 18 different occasions in a 24 hour period and when I spoke to him again he said he wanted a divorce and had not loved me in years. He said that they had a very passionate and emotional relationship and that she was going to leave her H and be with him. I asked him to tell me about this woman that he 'loved' so much that he would throw away his family for. He didn't know how old she was or if she had children(she has 2).
We haven't talked about "us" in 6 weeks. He has not even contacted an attorney and is currently living in the attic of a friends house, I suppose he is waiting on her to leave her husband. He has pics of her plastered on his wall but none of his son.
I had no idea things were bad, We had problems like finances and stress from work but we never went to bed angry and I thought we had something special. I asked him to go to counseling but he refuses saying that it wouldn't help. I told him that "he didn't know that and what would trying hurt...this is our family we have to fight for it." He rolled his eyes and walked out, leaving me crying on the floor. Who is this person?
Do WS who leave ever regret it? She probably won't leave her H but even if she does ,the things he is running from in our relationship( stress finances,responsibility etc...) will still be there with someone else only it will be so much worse because for 1: NO ONE will take care of him or love him like I have and 2: he knows nothing significant about her other than how little commitment means to her...
If a WS leaves as soon as the A is discovered does that lower the chances of R. I see alot of times where someone is caught but they want to try and save the marriage. I know that they might be "cake-eating".
Do WS who leave for OP ever want to come back when they realize what they have lost?
I just want the chance to save my family...
[This message edited by BillieJean at 12:08 AM, June 4th (Friday)]
Our first year of marriage was hard, he was working part time and going to grad school full time, and I am a nurse and work night shift. Between his job, school, studying and my job, we rarely had time together. And he just seemed distant. If I asked about it I was "complaining" and he always said he was just stressed out.
On May 12 we got into an argument and he busted out with how he doesn't love me, doesn't want to go to counseling and wants a divorce. I was devastated because although we had a tough year, we had been planning on starting counseling as soon as he graduated. I had never heard him say anything like this before.
Two days later I found his new e-mail address and all of the conversations between him and this same girl. It started to make more sense, but I am devastated. I asked him if he wanted to work it out, and he said no because he doesn't love me and never has. We have been together 6 years, married for 11 months. He told me that when he married me he was settling, but now he knows he can do better. He has shown no remorse, blames me for EVERYTHING (even says I made him marry me), and has no interest in R. Our anniversary would be next weekend. We had a trip planned, and the top layer of our wedding cake is still in my freezer. I feel like I am the only one whose H left her for the OW in an EA.
People keep telling me I'm lucky that I found out so early, but I just don't see it that way. I feel embarrassed that my marriage failed so soon (I mean, this A started at most 2 months into the marriage).
But, people who have experienced their WS leaving for the AP understand what I went through more than others. Although, I do feel that I have been spared some pain by the fact that they are not together openly.
I had suspected that my H was having an affair for some months. Friends tell me that I was expressing concern up to a year before it all imploded. I had been through this previously, in 1988-89, so I knew the signs, I knew what the gut feeling felt like. Although, he learned from that early affair. He knew that when I started expressing concern, to be sweet and reassuring, and not angry and mean, like he was back then. In 1988, when I would share that I felt uncomfortable about something (a 3 hour trip to the store to get milk?...$300.00 missing from the checking account?...) he would yell and scream at me...I was "accusing" him of things he would never do...I was a crazy bitch...etc...you all know the drill. This time, he kept my knowledge of the truth at bay by a very different tactic...the sweet and nice response. "Oh Sweetie, I wouldn't do that to you again. I love you Sweetie. I'm sorry Sweetie that you are worried. You don't have anything to worry about. It is just work Sweetie."
He had me thinking that I was crazy. I felt GUILTY that I was thinking he was having an affair. I was getting ready to arrange therapy for myself, to help me get over these feelings.
One day I woke up and I just knew something was wrong. After talking to my oldest son, I decided to sit my H down and tell him that I couldn't be talked out of my concerns, and that if I was, in fact, wrong, he would need to prove it (cell phone bills, access to computer). I knew I would approach this lovingly and in the most therapeutic way possible. My goal was twofold...get him to be honest, but to allow him to be honest while knowing that I was willing to forgive him and stay with him.
A few seconds before I asked him to sit down so I could talk to him, he kissed me on the top of my head, told me he loved me, that he was proud of me (I was in school at the time and working my butt off studying), and he told me that he'd missed me over the weekend (he'd gone rafting). In the next few seconds, after I told him to sit down and I started out with, "I love you so much and I can't think of anything that you would do that I wouldn't forgive you for, but I need you to be honest with me, and I deserve that." And WHAM, it was over.
He told me that he "couldn't do that" meaning he couldn't be honest with me about my concerns.
And then he told me that he'd not been happy for most of our two decade marriage. Really. Amazing. Maybe it is just me, but I cannot fathom sticking around for 20 miserable years when options existed. I couldn't do it. I could have been miserable with him for about 30 minutes before I would be compelled to SAY SOMETHING about it. Who is miserable for almost 20 years and not only doesn't utter a single syllable expressing concern, but ACTS HAPPY, SATISFIED, AND COMMITTED????
And then he told me that he'd not been happy for most of our two decade marriage. Really. Amazing. Maybe it is just me, but I cannot fathom sticking around for 20 miserable years when options existed. I couldn't do it. I could have been miserable with him for about 30 minutes before I would be compelled to SAY SOMETHING about it. Who is miserable for almost 20 years and not only doesn't utter a single syllable expressing concern, but ACTS HAPPY, SATISFIED, AND COMMITTED???? According to my H, him. He was miserable for 20 years, but he acted like the most loving, devoted husband ever.
When I told my daughter, who he raised and who loved him like he was her biological father, what he said (that he'd been miserable for most of our marriage), she said, "Mom, tell me he DID NOT say that?" Our children want nothing to do with him because of the horrific nature of his lies.
Long story short, I had no real proof of the affair the day I confronted him, just my gut feeling. For the next day, I think he thought he might get past it all, as long as I had no proof. But, the next day, I went through his desk at home and I found two things that proved he was lying to me. I called him on the phone to tell him about what I found. All he said was, "I'm leaving tonight."
And he did.
That night he left a voice mail for me telling me not to panic, that he wanted me to stay in school, and that this wasn't about me, it was about him, and that I deserved not to worry about "things." He sounded very depressed, almost suicidal.
Soon though, he was telling mutual friends and his family (anyone who was likely to want to believe him) a horrific re-write of our marital history. He said that there were two marriages...the one people saw on the outside, and the real one behind closed doors. And that he was practically an abused husband. (This is why the kids won't have anything to do with him now.) It was UNREAL. Everyone that knows the truth knows that I loved him like my life depended on it and IT SHOWED, behind closed doors included.
A few days after he left, I asked in an email if he would be willing to go see a therapist with me, and his response was that he wanted to wait a few months to address whether or not he would. I assumed he was waiting to see if his AP, who was/is married, would leave her H. (She didn't.)
I was so put off by his offer to make me a POSSIBLE Plan B, that I told him I had no interest in waiting two months to see if he MIGHT want to go to therapy. The thought makes me sick.
Friends came to me and said that he was willing to "date me" to see if there was anything to be salvaged. I declined that charitable offer too, LMAO. I don't know, perhaps it is just me, but I never wanted to do a tap dance show to try to win someone over, ESPECIALLY, a man who had already committed to me. I told them, "I don't date my husband like I am a perfect stranger." I don't regret that attitude. I will not be humiliated like that. There was nothing about me that required him to "date" me. He knows who I am, what I am. His crappy offers were rooted in his sh*t, his personal issues. Not my problem.
Well, long story stayed long.
Eighteen months into this mess, he filed for divorce. We only communicate by email. He kept his word to make sure I suffered no financial or physical hardship. I finished my degree, started my new career (RN), continued to live in our home without any complications. The day after he emailed me to tell me he had filed ("There's no easy way to tell you this..."), he emailed me to ask if I would forgive him and let him come home. I just about sh*t my britches. And as much as I wanted to scream "YES" from the top of the roof, to fire up the band and welcome him home, I said no, that he couldn't just waltz home like nothing odd happened. I set some very understandable boundaries...IC and MC, he had to live on his own (he went home to Mommy) while we went through counseling, he would have to tell the people he'd lied to that he had lied, and tell them the truth (that he'd had two affairs during our marriage and that I was a good wife), etc. My therapist said that I'd set some amazingly well thought out and appropriate boundaries.
He responded that I was crazy, and that was that. No more talk about R.
But, no divorce yet. We just live our separate lives. No contact except by email about "details."
I sold our home and built a new one. He gave me his half of the equity to put towards my new home. I appreciate his contiued concern about the quality of my life. I know of no man, who has abandoned his wife, who has done as much as my H to make sure his BS is "ok".
I have no contact with him. He moved a couple of hours away. I sold our home and bought my own. He gave me everything else and paid off all of our marital debt. I'm sure he's built a new life, probably has a girlfriend and everything. I have my life too, but I would never trust another man if my life depended on it. I work, I spend time with our kids and grandkids, I enjoy my beautiful new home. That's it for me. His divorce action was cancelled years ago, because he never followed through on it (I refused his intial settlement, the standard 50-50 split and he never counter offered and eventually, we settled everything anyways...he gave me everything, LOL, and he paid everything..) I plan to file in a few months.
The funny thing is, almost five years later, I STILL cannot believe he did this to me. He was *that* good...he really had me convinced that he was the best husband in the world, who would be by my side forever. (And he probably would have, if I'd just let him do what he did and not pressed him for fidelity...)
Sorry so long....
[This message edited by hurtinky at 9:55 PM, June 5th (Saturday)]
What the heck is with that? Do we ever really recover?
I was thinking he was going to end his A and was just going through some early mid life crisis. But guess this one didn't end at 6 months. Oh I am sure it won't last forever but maybe it will be another year? Who knows!
He told me he was going to go through with "the paperwork" (won't say divorce) about 5 times since we separated. I finally stopped protesting on the 5th time.
I will file in a month if he doesn't. I just wanted him to take responsibility and file since he was the one who wanted to leave, you know?
So anyone else's H take forever to file for D even though they kept saying they were going to???? arghhh!
Does anyone who has been through this have any suggestions on books that are helpful?
I found NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass to be very helpful in understanding my own reactions. I found Byron Katie's LOVING WHAT IS to be helpful in working my own way out of the craziness. For working your way through divorce without destroying everything, I recommend GETTING DIVORCED WITHOUT RUINING YOUR LIFE by Sam Margulies. And finally, if you are a Christian, or spiritual, I highly recommend Kristin Armstrong's book HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
In a way, the titles to all these books combine to what I have found to be true: No, they were NOT "just friends". I had to accept, even love to an extent, what was the truth. And once I did this, getting divorced without ruining my life became the chore. And now, I can see, that it is possible to "live happily ever after" in part, because the craziness and drama of hisself is removed from my life. And partly because I am, happy!
[This message edited by luv2swim at 6:09 AM, June 7th (Monday)]
Yeah... arghhh indeed. Part of the craziness is this fence sitting weirdness is the "I want a divorce... yesterday. But you have to file because I am such a kind person I would never do that... and I want a divorce". Mine did not file for over 2 years, though he livd with OW during that time. It was not until he purchased a home with her that I demanded he file (I would not file because we wanted to divorce in his Community Property state, not my Equitable Distribution state.
Now, after the divorce is final, he remains angry at me. Why? Because it took too long for us to divorce. And naturally, it is all my fault. My ex is exhibit A that the craziness does not evaporated with divorce.
Does anyone who has been through this have any suggestions on books that are helpful?
Another book that I found helpful especially in light of the abandonment of the relationship that we all experience is Susan Anderson's "Journey from Abandonment to Healing". Really excellent.
No-one can believe what happened, or how he could do this. His whole family and mine is shocked. They all said, you guys always seemed happy, you got along good, and have been together for 19 years.
My question is how could he do this to me and his kids? How could she move away from everything for a married man w/2 kids?
I would love to know what he is thinking and how he could have done this. HE just ran and replaced us w/her.
I am so devastated!!!
Don't listen to him...It's all words..Look for his actions! I am looking, but I can't see any action!