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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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InItNow posted 6/23/2010 08:32 AM

Just found this thread and I am a member of this group also....not by choice.
XWH moved in with OW 11/09 a month prior to the actual final divorce.
Last week Sat. had a dream he asked her to marry him.
Following Tuesday found it to be true ... plus she's pregnant.
I guess I had a feeling from the very beginning that it was going to go down this path. I had even written it in my journal that it was one of my biggest fears but somehow I just had a feeling. The same way I had a feeling he was cheating.
I'm crushed...

Why can't I let go? He did.

Clean Slate posted 6/23/2010 09:50 AM

InItNow - I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm going through the same thing. I am finding it so hard to let go. Unfortunately we cannot just switch off our feelings for our WS.

I wish I had a solution for us I guess the only thing we can do is let time pass until one day we will find the attachment is no longer there. In the meantine try and keep yourself as busy as possible to keep you away from brooding over it. Perhaps take up a hobby or spend more time going out with friends.

jrsdad posted 6/23/2010 14:32 PM

My WW left me and my DD. No affair was disclosed. She said that she wasn't happy and left. Three days later OM called me and confessed A. He was one of my closest friends. The A had been going on for 2 months. Those emotions that I felt can never be replicated. I did not know a heart could hurt that much and survive. My WW insisted on a quick Divorce. She never admitted to the A. She denied it, but people in our community knew about it. Her Dad, sisters, her friends and my friends knew. She moved in with OM at the one year mark of the A. Shortly after a pregnancy was announced then their wedding. Some of his family tried to talk him out of the marriage. My WW is miserable. She never looks happy and she rarely looks me in the eye. She won't talk to me. My WW will do almost anything I ask. She consistently meet me more than half way. It breaks my heart to see her so unhappy. She wasn't just my wife. She was my best friend. Even though she inflicted pain beyond description. I still want her to be happy.

lostwithoutyou posted 10/25/2010 23:51 PM

My last and final D-Day, he went back to OW#6. They moved in together, with her 5 year old daughter.

I'm told that they're still together but he's been spending a lot of time calling, texting and emailing me (something he's done in the past when his AP either leaves him or they find out about me and I make them leave)
So I think something or someone is rocking the boat. Perhaps OW#7 or 8??

Junebug0525 posted 12/12/2010 03:38 AM

These all sound so familiar. I got the "I need some time" and "I haven't been happy for a while" and "I didn't leave you for her"...

So he's with her, I hate it, but can't do anything. I'm just sitting back now and hoping that things blow up in his face and he regrets leaving me someday. I want him to come crawling back so I can in his face before I shut the door.

For those of you that posted here before, any updates?

ozzy344 posted 12/12/2010 05:34 AM

Why can't I let go? He did.

Kind of sums me up at the moment.

More and more, I realise and see the negative characteristics of the thing possessing what was my wife, yet still I want her back.

Had conversation on Friday, OM has split from her, felt a little good about that, talked yesterday (issue with son that went into relationship territory) and she came out with a comment "S13 needs to be comfortable around OM. What if I marry OM in future or someone else".

She has no intention of getting back with me, has never said she wants to, yet I still find it hard letting go. Dealing with a situation is one thing, but accepting it is harder.

Realised I am investing too much time thinking about our relationship, a possible future and not enough time thinking just about me and how I can improve myself.

I need to work harder on the 180, and focus only on me and my children now.

riverflow posted 12/12/2010 09:03 AM

same with me, though STBX still insists she's not THE reason he left I had my suspicions but didn't find out for sure until after he'd moved out and I filed for Divorce. Since the cat's out of the bag now he's all about his new life with her and can't understand what the hell we're all so upset about.

Junebug0525 posted 12/15/2010 22:51 PM

See that's what pisses me off. XH still said he didn't leave for her, but we never talked about separating, never talked about divorce, he always told me he was happy...UNTIL HE MET HER!!! Then all of a sudden the marriage was miserable to him, he hasn't loved me in a long time, etc...all the reasons we all hear. He told me "I didn't leave for her, I left for me." Right. You left for YOU so that YOU could be with HER. Whatever. Asshole.

beyondpain6107 posted 12/26/2010 20:56 PM

What I have found is that all the lies are the same. My silly (to be nice) XH told my kids that he knew he was going to divorce me when my son was 2, but wanted to wait until my daughter was 10...funny my son is almost 4 years older than my daughter. That was news to me, he sure seemed happy for all those 15 years until he started partying with OW and her XH.

Now he is married to OW...they will say what ever to make themselves feel and look better. They will paint a crazy picture of you. Mine comes up with different stories all the time, luckily my kids have a good enough memory to know the truth of how my marriage was.

wordsfail posted 12/27/2010 10:13 AM

checking in...

wherefromhere said:

He left me for her*, he thinks she is a wonderful person and I'm this evil, mean, bitch who made his life miserable for years.

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.

*I prefer to call her "the pig"

Blindbat posted 12/27/2010 11:31 AM

Hmmm, I'm not quite sure who technically left whom. I certainly feel I was dumped for the OW, and since he's barely spent 9 nights in the house since the end of October, the rest at hers, he's practically moved in with her de facto. But since it was clear he wasn't going to give her up to work on the marriage, I started to look for a place of my own and moved out 3 weeks ago. But mentally, he sure as hell left me for her. It really does the ego no good whatsoever to be traded in for an older model

beyondpain6107 posted 12/27/2010 15:41 PM

So I am a few years out and I PROMISE that you will look back and be thankful and even laugh.

Here are some things that never change. They continue to seek validation through means other than themselves. It will not be as rosie with the OP as they make it out. My XH called me about a month ago asking for sexual favors. Says he still thinks about me all the time and loves me. I was like I'm not having an affair with you, you're married.

Eventually the newness wears off and by then you are well removed from their crap...and it is crap.

THEY did NOT leave you for OP!!! It seems like that, but they left for the feeling, the validation.

There was nothing the OP does better...this I PROMISE. Doesn't matter what they tell you. If you're lucky like I have been, they will reveal bits and pieces that they will NEVER have it as good as they had it with you.

Having XH marry the OW was hard. No is hard when their kids (hers and mine) all get together and they do "family" stuff. It gets easier and easier.

hugs to all of you. I promise there is a brighter day

LisaBrandNew posted 12/28/2010 23:44 PM

STBXWH left me for a former student of mine - 18 years old. He is a man-child of 39 who is "in love." I helped her get a job working for him. So glad that I told myself that this sexually acting out, coke using, cutting, histrionic girl should be given a second chance. Well, now she is acting out with him (nothing more self esteem boosting than seducing the husband of someone you admire-her words). He just creeps me out now. He knew about her history, but when she began the flirting, he couldn't see a troubled kid, but an opportunity. Now the mental movies are the toughest for me. She tried to seduce me when she was my student, but I responded with strong boundaries and a counseling referral. WTF-he is nuts!

MikeMo posted 12/29/2010 19:31 PM

Ummm...Ya, I can relate to this thread. xWW left for her high school sweetheart after 20 or so years. He's married with 3 kids himself.
The story is in my profile. I really don't want to re-type it.
Even though the divorce is final, it still eats at me that she left her husband, her two children, and her home for this piece of garbage. Meanwhile, he's still putting on the husband and daddy act. Well, that's until the holidays are over. His wife is about to confront him and give him the boot. I can't wait. I'm giddy with anticipation.

Blueeyedfella posted 12/30/2010 09:23 AM

Just joined this thread. My WW moved out in July and OH officially moved in with her a couple months later even though he was there most of the time before that. We've been S since March.

I wonder what's the percentage of successful R to D here in this thread. Seems to be very heavily weighted to D - much more so in other threads.

beyondpain6107 posted 12/31/2010 21:35 PM

I wonder what's the percentage of successful R to D here in this thread. Seems to be very heavily weighted to D - much more so in other threads.

Pretty hard to R when they are with OP...

BUT, I can say that I think it is typical for WS to seek out BS even after leaving. Mine does and he is married to OW. I wont touch him with a 10 foot pole

SerJR posted 1/2/2011 08:13 AM

I wonder what's the percentage of successful R to D here in this thread.

The question to ask is 'what are *my* chances of moving forward to a healthier and brighter life?"

rcantbleveit posted 1/2/2011 16:46 PM

My EWH actually told me shortly after D-day that he had a hard time looking at me because he could see the pain in my eyes and to know that he was the cause of all that pain was too much for him to bear.

He also said shortly after that, that he just couldn't stay in this house anymore because he knew that he would never be able to "live it down"-meaning that he was afraid I would never forget that he cheated and therefore never let him forget that he cheated.
All of the above was said to me as well as "my friends told me to never come back because you would make us both miserable questioning everything I do".
His friends are cheaters too. He's only introduced the OW to them, not our friends that would never cheat.
It's like we have to suck it up so they don't feel bad in order to save our marriages. They just keep doing what they do. I feel like I'm suffering the consequences of H actions while him & OW enjoy the fruits of our labor. It's frustrating and painful.

wannabenormal posted 1/2/2011 18:11 PM

I hear you rcantbleveit. I think it's easier for some to leave their mess; continue to blameshift or act like there's too much damage (that's bullshit and they have to know that, it's a cop-out). Those are the wayward folks who probably won't ever 'get it'.

SerJR posted 1/2/2011 18:11 PM

Just a re-post since this thread's getting a bit more exposure recently


Why Do They Leave?

All too often we hear it. “The marriage was killing me, the love is gone, and we’ve grown apart”. It’s as if the marriage is an animate entity that made the wayward spouses do what they chose to do.

They rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. They convince themselves that their marriage was already bad, that their partner really doesn’t love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their “soul-mate” because he/she is the only one that understands them. Next begins the repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations, over and over again in their minds. It is as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed. In the affair, the wayward partner falls in love with the illusion of themselves that they have created. Period. Their true selves are warped and then reflected back to them. It is an escape from the everyday realities that must be dealt with and an escape from who they really are.

Over time, they really begin to believe all the lies they’ve told themselves. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. Wash, rinse, and repeat and soon they are deeply entrenched in the fog. If the “marriage” is bad, obviously, they don’t have to blame it on themselves. They can blame “it” on the other. Some of us find it difficult to look at ourselves. Some of us don’t know how to look at ourselves. Some of us never think of looking at ourselves.

It's not that they were necessarily unhappy with the marriage. What happens in many typical cases is that the situation is perfectly good. But then enter the other person. A relationship starts developing with the other person and energy that should have gone into the marriage is redirected. As this relationship deepens, walls are put up to prevent the faithful spouse from connecting emotionally with the wayward spouse. In essence, it's not the marriage that is killing the wayward spouse; it's the wayward spouse that's killing the marriage. The current situation becomes unhappy, because it was made unhappy.

When they leave, they aren't running from the marriage - they're running from themselves. Some people have the narcissistic notion that they are spotless white knights or pure maidens and they can't go back to what they destroyed because they would have to face themselves and put in the effort to make it right. Romantic relationships are often idealized in that we will get what we want without putting in the effort required. However, the status of a relationship is simply the output of what is invested in it. Couple this with the devaluation of the faithful spouse that the wayward spouse cultivates and it is easy to see why. Leaving the marriage offers the path of least resistance for them and the easiest way to deal with the mess they have created -by starting fresh and denial of the truth.

If your partner/spouse leaves and blames it on the “marriage,” don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is not the problem. You are not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the affair and to escape out of ignorance, fear, or inadequacy.

SerenityLost posted 1/2/2011 20:07 PM

Thanks for the repost! I think I may need to print that out and read it to myself everyday! I have a question for my fellow BS's. I know it's not very productive to think about it...but how many of you hope and pray that their WS will snap out of the fog and come back? I pray that I will one day have the man I married back. Not the man I am faced with today. I can't help but pray that this stranger who has left me to be in an online relationship with a 17 year-old girl will leave my best friend's body and my husband will come back to me. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone the whole truth. I can't help but feel like he is doing this as a result of traumatic things that have happened to us this past year. We have been separated for two months...I have initiated 180 several times with FR as a result. I have started 180 once again and will continue for myself. I am willing to do anything to save our long as he's committed to it...which he is not as he keeps going back and forth on his decision for a divorce...he's fence-sitting. I haven't spoken to him in almost 3 days and it's killing me. I wonder if I've even crossed his mind or if he's considered the fact that he may have made a mistake in our separation. My head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. Does the unwanted separation get easier? Are there many out there that have been left for the OP that have later successfullly reconciled?

[This message edited by SerenityLost at 8:17 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)]

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