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When A WS Leaves For Their OP

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SerenityLost posted 1/2/2011 20:07 PM

Thanks for the repost! I think I may need to print that out and read it to myself everyday! I have a question for my fellow BS's. I know it's not very productive to think about it...but how many of you hope and pray that their WS will snap out of the fog and come back? I pray that I will one day have the man I married back. Not the man I am faced with today. I can't help but pray that this stranger who has left me to be in an online relationship with a 17 year-old girl will leave my best friend's body and my husband will come back to me. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone the whole truth. I can't help but feel like he is doing this as a result of traumatic things that have happened to us this past year. We have been separated for two months...I have initiated 180 several times with FR as a result. I have started 180 once again and will continue for myself. I am willing to do anything to save our marriage...as long as he's committed to it...which he is not as he keeps going back and forth on his decision for a divorce...he's fence-sitting. I haven't spoken to him in almost 3 days and it's killing me. I wonder if I've even crossed his mind or if he's considered the fact that he may have made a mistake in our separation. My head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. Does the unwanted separation get easier? Are there many out there that have been left for the OP that have later successfullly reconciled?

[This message edited by SerenityLost at 8:17 PM, January 2nd (Sunday)]

SerJR posted 1/2/2011 21:04 PM

Serenity...

In the early days I was certainly hoping that things would return to normal. They never did.

There came a point when I discovered that there were more important things than to holding onto something that was never going to happen. I'm not saying that it's necessarily the same as in your case... but I am saying that to reach your best hope you will have to do the same thing.

I came here thinking I was in a battle for my marriage. It turns out that the battle was for myself all along.

You cannot have a mutually respectful marriage if you do not respect and stand up for your needs. A marriage will kill you emotionally if you allow infidelity to continue. You have to put a stop to the infidelity in your marriage. Sometimes the WS will step up to the plate and take ownership. Sometimes they never will and you have to end the marriage. It's not fair... but it is not ours to decide. Ours is only to decide how we will deal with it. And if we are willing to deal with it... then we create for ourselves the opportunity to move forward to that brighter future... one way or another.

You have to be true to yourself above all else. If you can do that... I can promise you that you will be okay.

SerenityLost posted 1/4/2011 20:11 PM

Thanks for your reply SerJR. It's hard trying to decide to hold out for the possibility of reconciliation or move on. I'm on day 5 of my latest 180 and I intend to keep at it. The rejection by someone that I pledged my life to is like a knife straight through my heart...I know we aren't supposed to believe anything we hear and less than half of what we see, but it still seems to be getting past my beat up armor. Everyone's insight and shared experiences on SI has been such a blessing. I feel like I'm surrounded by people who truly understand my situation.

NeedingGodsHelp posted 1/5/2011 03:25 AM

I am definately in this thread. My WH left and after a brief stint at his parents house moved in with the OW. This was only a few months after blindsided me and walked out on us and almost a year BEFORE our divorce. They are still living together, and I have to sent my kids to be with them for his visitation.

To answer SerenityLost:
I am still standing for my marriage. For me, it is the path God has led me. Not at all an easy one, as he has shown no signs of wanting reconciliation... in fact, after almost 2 years since separation, he still cannot being himself to have an actual civil conversation with me (Guilt?).
I don't just want the man I feel in love with as a teenager... the man I married and my best friend back... I want someone better. I want God to do a work on him!
Ultimately, yes, I would love to see my family restored.

MikeMo posted 1/6/2011 17:09 PM

Almost 8 months since DDay and 3 months since divorce was final.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and the person that she used to be. Yes...Deep down, I hope and pray that my ex-wife will snap out of the fog, be open and honest with me, and help restore our family that we created together.
But, I don't think that will ever happen. Even if she were to snap out of the fog and discovered the reality that her soulmate was nothing more than a lot of talk, she would probably want to start over with a clean slate. She's a stubborn woman. Probably too stubborn to admit her mistakes and own up to it.
So, here is a question...Do WS ever really start with a clean slate?

[This message edited by MikeMo at 5:11 PM, January 6th (Thursday)]

Blueeyedfella posted 1/7/2011 10:57 AM

I am still standing for my marriage....I don't just want the man I feel in love with as a teenager... the man I married and my best friend back... I want someone better. I want God to do a work on him!
Ultimately, yes, I would love to see my family restored....

Serenity, maybe I misinterpreted, but are you saying you'd be willing to R with your xWH and get back together after D?


Deep down, I hope and pray that my ex-wife will snap out of the fog, be open and honest with me, and help restore our family that we created together.

Same question goes for Mo - you looking to R and get back together?

Honest1 posted 1/8/2011 22:11 PM

Like MikeMo said I have those same thoughts and my WW A began at leat 8 months ago and we have been S for 2 months waiting to wrap up D.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and the person that she used to be. Yes...Deep down, I hope and pray that my ex-wife will snap out of the fog, be open and honest with me, and help restore our family that we created together.

My WW just displayed genuine remorse 2 nights ago which took me off guard. I have been anxiously waiting to get D over with so that I can move on with my life. I had finally had enough of the fog and lack of remorse. A part of me still wants her back and part of me is so hurt and angry with her betrayal.

SerJR posted 1/8/2011 22:32 PM

How do you know that it's genuine and not just a bone so you stick around?

nightshadow posted 1/9/2011 01:40 AM

I am a member of the club.

CanISurvive posted 1/9/2011 04:13 AM

(((all on this forum)))

My WW has spent nearly every weekend with the OW, now 18 and in college, since she moved out. I told her that if she was going to continue the A, she could not do it from our home. I would not tolerate that. So she moved out into her own apartment so she could continue the A.

My WW was fired a year ago from a private HS teaching job after the OW's father complained re unprofessional e-mails, AIM chat sessions, etc. between my WW and his then 17 year old daughter. They reconnected after the girl turned 18 (I have the full story in my profile). Hindsight is 20/20; wish I had trusted my gut.

I am currently talking D with the WW, though she suggested Legal Separation 1st. I need to do one or the other...the A is still a big secret. If the OW's father finds out, I expect some type of lawsuit to occur (the father has lots of money). At this point I do not want to literally pay for her continued poor choices, and the only way I see to prevent that is to separate our property legally.

The hard part is trying to let go emotionally...it has been very hard losing my best friend, confidant, lover. A part of me still hopes she gets her head on straight and we try JC for a possible R, but her current actions and behavior do not suggest that is a real option. I took this next Monday off work to get the info I need from lawyers, talk re my options, etc.

Honest1 posted 1/12/2011 22:03 PM

SerJR,

How do you know that it's genuine and not just a bone so you stick around?

It sounded and felt like real remorse. I suppose time will tell whether is was genuine or not.

(edited for grammer)

[This message edited by Honest1 at 10:05 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)]

hurttothebone posted 1/13/2011 18:12 PM

Mine wants me to wait. Let him cake eat till April. And them maybe work things out. He is with her tonight. In our bed in our house.

BillieJean posted 1/13/2011 19:41 PM

My stbx left on D Day and never wanted R and has shown no regret or remorse. It still so painful.

I know I'm strong and I know that I will be ok but I don't think I will ever trully get over how easily he walked away. I was so blind sided on D Day. I KNOW that our marriage wasn't the nightmare he has made it out to be.

I love that man so very much. How can he not regret doing this?

rcantbleveit posted 1/14/2011 11:00 AM

I continue to pray that H will realize what a mistake he has made & want to restore our marriage.
We were best friends and still have a lot of love for each other.
I've been told by two men this week that cheated on their wives that although they are now happily remarried to someone else, they regretted not working things our with their XW.
They also said that if their wives had not kept trying to get them back & taking them back after being with the OW, they would have respected them more and they would have wanted to work harder on the marriage.
It's such a fine line... On one hand, you feel like they need to know that you love them, want them & your marriage but on the other, doing this makes them want you less..... Hope the fog lifts soon.

nooneeverthought posted 1/14/2011 11:21 AM


I love that man so very much. How can he not regret doing this?

When my FWS left us this was the question I kept asking too. I understand how much this hurts. Chances are sometime, someday he will regret it, he just may not share that information with you.

nooneeverthought posted 1/14/2011 11:24 AM

I continue to pray that H will realize what a mistake he has made & want to restore our marriage.
We were best friends and still have a lot of love for each other.
I've been told by two men this week that cheated on their wives that although they are now happily remarried to someone else, they regretted not working things our with their XW.
They also said that if their wives had not kept trying to get them back & taking them back after being with the OW, they would have respected them more and they would have wanted to work harder on the marriage.
It's such a fine line... On one hand, you feel like they need to know that you love them, want them & your marriage but on the other, doing this makes them want you less..... Hope the fog lifts soon.

I can cry reading this, I could have wrote it almost three years ago. As hard as it is to watch them walk away we really have no choice but to let them go.

I printed the 180 and the poem "letting go" and carried them in my purse as my rules. It is such a crapshoot what the WS will do. I can tell you from experience nothing we do influences that. Try and be strong and don't look for answers in his "fog". He might be foggy and he might not be.

nooneeverthought posted 1/14/2011 11:25 AM

Mine wants me to wait. Let him cake eat till April. And them maybe work things out. He is with her tonight. In our bed in our house.

I am so sorry

BillieJean posted 1/14/2011 12:04 PM

I haven't broken NC in over 6 months. Finances and DS only.

The first few months I was still in such shock. I never really called or texted him that much but I would not be able to control my emotions around him. I was angry and hurt and I let him know each time I saw him.

He used to be so cold but now he's really friendly and that hurts too.

ray-ray posted 1/14/2011 14:17 PM

Hello all. I belong here as well. My XW came home one day and said she wanted divorce and handed me all the excerpts right out of the WS handbook, nothing about having an A. I was blindsided she always said how happy she was. One year tomorrow that she left. Divorced for 8 months. But I never would get back with her. Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Kerpgh posted 1/21/2011 20:03 PM

Im at the point of just giving up on our relationship...Im tired of him being so very cold and uncaring...he blames me for his not being able to see his children...but it always has to be on his terms...when he feels like he should...unfortunatly this week we were busy...and now he's begging me to see them...Im like..asshole..you could have had everyday with them but obviously you would rather have a different life...Im meeting with a lawyer next week...started therapy...started back to work,had a psychiatric hospitalization and started taking meds..I actually feel a bit stronger today...
Live you life in the bed you preferred asshole...forget the past 16 years...because Im becoming stronger everyday...thank you everyone on SI for all the support and words of wisdom...couldnt have gotten to this point without you....

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